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SPURRIER: DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL, Y'ALL

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The OBC is hitting up Gamecock alumni for cash the hard way: by saying that lack of cash=inability to compete in football. (For a university with some of the highest tuition of any public university, this boggles the mind. But this is the state where an Agricultural Commissioner ran a cockfighting ring out of state offices, so we really shouldn't be surprised.)

Just a few of the things Spurrier says are necessary to compete with the other megaprograms in the SEC, according to his speech at the Myrtle Beach Big Cock Club (no, not that one, though their drag show on Thursdays is pretty good) :

--An expanded weightroom

--A covered practice area for rainy days

--Golden toilet


You want to compete? Winners need golden toilets.

--Money to pay administrative assistant/punching bag/gimp Ray Goff, Spurrier's laundry coordinator, golf-spike cleaner, and one-on-one basketball bitch.

--Push-button triggered trap doors installed in defensive coordinator's office for quick and easy disposal.

--Money to fund research into "boomerang blade-edged visor" research.

--Seed funds for "Leadfooted, Rubber-armed White Quarterback Cloning Center."

--The Spurrier Channel. Campuswide broadcasting featuring nothing but episodes of Stephen J. Cannell programming, replays of Walking Tall, the 1997 Sugar Bowl, and Spurrier shooting a 73 at Augusta.

--The South Carolina Orbital Escape Elevator. Designed to lock up local recruits by exchanging four years of blood, sweat and tears for being shot into space and thus getting as far away from the Palmetto State as possible.