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OFF-SEASON TIMEKILLERS: MEME-MANIA, PART 2

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Ian did it, who heard it from Joey, who heard it from Nico...shit, it's the offseason, and after writing the piece on the fraudulent craze that is the spread offense tomorrow, we'll be knee-deep in petulant internet ankle-biting again. Before we do that, a bite to the hook of the next random internet meme: "Songs that make you wanna...", a.k.a. "24 Questions on Music." (Not remotely college football related warning should be unnecessary here, but just for the record: Not remotely college football-related.)

1. A favorite political track.

"Fernando," by Abba. The weirdest political track ever recorded, since it's a bunch of Swedes writing about the Mexican Revolution in English. It's also topshelf vintage Euro-crap, with a chorus one could easily sing along with while holding a beer stein in one hand and another man's wife in the other (encompassing both parts of the Scandinavian equation, wife-swapping and binge-drinking to bland, well-crafted pop songs.)

They were shining there for you and me, for liberty, Fernando...

2. One of those tracks that will make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.

Biting from Ian's list, but the Rapture's "House of Jealous Lovers" would make Orrin Hatch do the Harlem Shuffle. It's sonically transmitted epilepsy when played on big speakers. Special mention goes to Crystal Waters' "Come on Down," which earns the nod for featuring a big gay club beat set behind the "Price is Right" theme.

3. The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.

"Ribbon in the Sky," Stevie Wonder. There's a reason it was the official theme song of every black wedding from 1984-1991. If you don't tear up while listening to it, we'd be happy to punch our hands through your chest to show you the empty space where your heart should be.

4. A song you know would sell lots of VWs (or ipods, or whatever) if they paid for it. (One that hasn’t already been used).

"Rock Lobster," the B-52s. Red Lobster, anyone? When the royalties trickle low, count on hearing this to embarrassing footage of restaurant employees dancing with trays of plastic lobster in their hands.

13.99 Lobster Dinner...let's rock!

5. A song that forced you to sit down and analyze its lyrics.

"Liberation," Outkast. Big Rube's monologue at the end, especially. Scathing, self-lacerating, honest, and almost painful to hear.

6. A song you like that a 2 year old would like too.

"Laffy Taffy," D4L. Because every 2 year old in Atlanta can't turn it off when it comes on the radio, either.

7. A song that makes you drive too fast.

"Every Day Should Be a Holiday." Because every Dandy Warhols song makes you want to snort coke off a starlet's tits shortly before wrapping your Mercedes/McLaren around a telephone pole.

8. A song that makes you feel like kicking someone’s ass.

"Academy Fight Song," Mission of Burma. A geek needs a geek fight song, and what would be more geeky than breaking someone's nose while screaming "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU I'M JUDGING ME!!!"

Geeks like to fight, too. Sometimes they even misssspelll thingz.

9. A song that both you and your grandparents (would probably) like.

Depends on the grandparents. One set: "Will the Circle Be Unbroken," Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. But for the other grandmother, "Heart and Soul," by Huey Lewis, because she's down like that.

11. The song you’d send to someone you hated.

Anything by Tori Amos.

12. A sad instrumental song that would be in the soundtrack to a movie about your life.

"Pictures of You," Thelonious Monk.

13. The peppy song that would start the opening credits in the soundtrack to a movie about your life.

"Am I Same Girl," Swing Out Sister. Seriously jacking up the Ladyboy rating with this one, but something about this song makes us want to hug life 'till its head comes off. The perfect song for strolling down the street with your umbrella swinging in a $ 2,000 suit with an army of dancers behind you.

14. An a cappella song.

"Homeless," Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Paul Simon.

In case you wonder what we wear every day...this exact outfit.

15. A good song from a genre of music that no one could guess that you liked.

"Could This Be The Magic," Barry Manilow. We will pitfight anyone who cracks on this song and feed them their own intestines. While we cry listening to this song.

16. A song you think should have been playing when you were born.

"Bone Machine," Pixies. Lots of screaming and nonsense, which would fit.

17. A favorite artist duo collaboration.

"New Wave," Common featuring Laetitia Sadler of Stereolab. Kind of takes the lid off your brain when you hear Common give way to a la-laing French Socialist, but only in the nicest way.

18. A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsenically, religiously etc.)

"Fuck the Police," N.W.A. We love this song like a fat kid loves cake...but worse. We love this song like a mutant cake loves eating fat kids. Will never play with the boss in the car because we forcibly cannot resist rapping along with every line, especially "You'd rather see me in the pen than me and Lorenzo, ridin' in a Benzo."

When a gheri curl mullet was street.

19. The song that you love despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.

"Panama," Van Halen. If it were our kind of world, we wouldn't send resumes to apply for a job. No, we'd just send them a DVD of us re-enacting the "Panama" video, complete with the scenes of David Lee Roth being led off by the po-po in nothing but a towel and drummer Alex Van Halen drinking beer while being suspended above the stage on wires.

There is no justice.

20. Your smooth song, for relaxing.

"Rock With You," Michael Jackson.

21. A song that you like but would play loud to annoy the neighbors.

"Doo Doo Brown," 2 Live Crew. "GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO !!!"

22. A favorite song that’s about a sport or sports.

"You'll Never Walk Alone," as sung by the Liverpool FC faithful. Indescribably moving when they sang it after coming back from 3-0 to win the European championship. A movie will be made about this someday, and it will not be half as good as watching it happen (even if it was on replay as we saw it.)

"We Are the Boys" was nice in 1997 vs. FSU, too, especially since everyone in the stadium was three seconds away from a stroke for the entire second half.

23. A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”

"Low Spark Of High-Heeled Boys," Traffic.

24. The song that makes you want to drink more beer.

"Back in Black," AC/DC. Makes us want to end the evening in mid-air, just seconds after being thrown through a plate glass window in a bar fight.

Fight!