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Georgia Tech head coach Chan Gailey has offered $5,000 dollar bonuses to each of his assistant coaches if they defeat Georgia this year. The bonuses reflect similar incentive clauses in Gailey's own contract, which include:

(Note: if you don't know or care who Chan Gailey is, refer to said shorthand to understand upcoming lines. Chan Gailey= 8-5 + Emerald Nuts Bowl + Ronald Reagan just before naptime in January of 1989. Mix in a pinch of anyone ever called "Gentleman Jim," toss in a dash of howdy, and sprinkle liberally with befuddlement...Voila! Behold Georgia Tech's head coach.)

In case you wonder what Gailey does most days it's ...well, this.

Ahem...the clauses include:

--Uninterrupted naptime on Tuesdays following conference wins.

--Pudding every Wednesday following an ACC win. Mmmm....pudding.

--New sparkly paint job on the bass boat with ACC championship game appearance AND special fishing session with Bill Dance.

--With ACC championship win, Gailey has the option to push the ever-clumsy Dance out of the boat.

--Bowl game not played before Christmas? Hello, Mr. "Matt Houston Season 1" on DVD!

--Win that game? Say hello to my little bonus friend "Riptide, Season 1!"

Stephen J. Cannell...genius.

--With BCS bowl game: special lapdance from Crystal Gayle.

--Beat Georgia? Officially allowed to finally bench Reggie Ball after incriminating photos of Gailey going hogwild in Saigon brothel circa 1971 are destroyed per contract agreement with Ball family.

--Beat Georgia and win bowl game? Custom copy of NCAA 2007 with Chan Gailey playbook, containing "fade, trap, screen, and slant--only" playbook.

--Win nine games? All the crystal meth-laced Geritol he can handle, plus a hundred pounds of marijuana found in a duffel bag in Reuben Houston's dorm room.

--With another 8-5 season, Gailey can retire and sit on the pile of cash he's barely earned. Oh, wait...that one's actually going to happen.