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YODA GETS LOOK AT NEW BUFFS.

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Spring practice storylines are sometimes hard to parse out, especially when not much changes in a squad (picture Coach X, looking out on the green expanse of his practice field, saying this into a thicket of microphones: "Well, the same coaches, most of the same players back, same qb...we actually don't plan on learning all that much here, gentlemen. Help yourself to some complimentary Powerade and kiss my ass.")

Having a new coach makes all of this Cajun Craw-Tator Spicy, of course, which is why one of the best storylines and source of new quotables comes out of Boulder, known most recently for scandal, slush funds, and the use of prostitutes as recruiting tools. Dan Hawkins will be cleanup guy for Colorado, and the Yoda-esque former Boise State coach and Ben Grimm lookalike has a large mess ahead of him, which has him in a predictably philosophical mood.

"Part of the beauty of this spring is you just don't know. I think every practice and every scrimmage is going to be a whole new adventure, a discovery of who can do things," Hawkins said.

Adventure...discovery..."don't think of it as a play-action rollout, man, but more like a jog through the veils of reality." Anywhere else besides Berkeley, and we'd predict that Hawkins would end up on the meathook in a matter of two years. But we are talking about Boulder, here, which ranks right up there with Madison, Wisconsin for sheer otherworldliness. Hawkins already fits in--we bet he brought his own chakra-aligning crystal and foot reflexology mat. Count us out when the trainer starts handing out colonics, though--unless you're talking about a coffee one, in which case we'll assume the position faster than Freddie Mercury on an Angolan prison barge. We hear that's like legal meth.

Coffee: good at either end.