The math behind the first round of the Fulmer Cup was so overwhelming to us that we outsourced it to our consultants back in the motherland...North Florida. Big Mike--who's taken an almost academic interest in the race for the Felon's cup--happily obliged with the following estimates based on what we've followed here and the sketchy rules we'd come up with earlier:
I gave 3 points to the UGA kid on the toilet, I just felt like
rape should still be considered more serious than any poop related
crime, no matter how ridiculous.
We concur, Mike, though we'll tweak the scores a bit because, as Brian put it, "whatever Orson wants." (Thanks for putting the damn thing together, though.) Invoking that rule, we'll adjust a few scores:
--Georgia had their standard driving troubles, which adds a point and brings them to a 4.
--Florida moves up to a 2, if only for having an incident linking "(University Name)" and "Mossberg shotgun."
Summary: Purdue looks like they're running away with this thing. Several programs to watch, however, haven't made their typical run at the standings. These are the contenders who haven't made a Fulmer Cup entry yet who bear monitoring:
--Da U (Miami). Willie Williams is still on scholarship, which makes them a contender all by themselves. One of the few players in the game capable of taking over the game singlehandedly. Someday, someone will create a Vice City plugin allowing you to play as Willie Williams...and on that day, we will call that someone a total fucking genius. Miami as a whole may have some quality entries due to coaching turnover and a high degree of program instability this offseason.
Hoping and praying for the Willie Williams mod.
--Tennessee. Probably out of contention by virtue of their outstanding performance last year (repeating is hard,) but lacking a single entry going into March is downright uncharacteristic of the Big Orange.
--Texas. You'd think a championship hangover would produce a decadent side effect of minor arrests and the occasional felony, but Mack Brown's got to have a mafia in motion behind the scenes to keep priveleged, healthy, and muscular men out of trouble in the collegiate utopia of Austin, Texas. Jenna Bush gets a drinking underage charge in Austin and a Texas football player doesn't? Champions, my ass.
--Oregon State. We can't get so much as a gay sheep kidnapping out of Mike Riley's program.
--Ohio State. Look! We're typing a backhanded compliment to Ohio State fans! No arrests! Yayyyy! We'd bet a molar that it won't last, but for the moment Sweatervestavia is a peaceful, calm kingdom free from strife.
You know we missed something, so please, correct, berate, and concur in the comments section below.
Race for the prize! They're just humans, with knives and children...