SEC spring practice capsules are up and running at the Memphis Commercial Appeal. Unfairly excerpted suggestive verbiage includes:

Shula said that Wilson…”is thicker than Brodie ever was.”
“Nutt’s love”
“can give his offense an injection”

Annoying registration required, but you know what to do.

LD started the meme, so don’t blame us for tacking well off-course with this one, but something has to fill the empty pages between now and September. With that, we answer LD’s “Worst of the Worst” challenge.

1) What is the worst DVD/video you own? Hmm…not to be too Clinton-esque, but it depends on what you mean by “worst.” We know that Joe Vs. The Volcano isn’t what you’d call a good movie, but we love it nonetheless, especially the scene where Tom Hanks buys his luggage. (”May you live a thousand years, sir,” never fails to crack us up.) It’s got Abe Vigoda! And Meg Ryan, pre-infected collagen deformity lips, in three roles! And Robert Stack! And Nathan Lane, dressed in little more than a suit of crushed orange soda cans!

Luggage, sir. Luggage.

Even the kitsch value-the whole movie sounds like it was pitched as a joke that no one caught onto until it was far, far too late into the process- we’d never inflict it on anyone we liked (besides the Conscience of a Nation, who’s seen it at least five times.) The worst DVD in our collection is Ass Lickers 4, a piece of horrid pornography we “won” at a party. (more…)

Jon Stewart can take two routes with the oscars: he can go cuddly and Billy Crystal on everyone (”Oh my, Sara, what a benign, friendly Jew he is,” says an anonymous viewer,”) or he can squat firmly over the face of Hollywood and deliver a one-year-and-out Cleveland Steamer of a performance a la Chris Rock or David Letterman. We’re hoping Stewart opts for the second option, which will be judged by whether or not Sean Penn gets premenstrual over a Stewart quip. (And he will.)

Jon Stewart, seen here sporting quality Jew-fro, could Cleveland Steamer the Oscars with zeal this week.

We thought of a few Oscars of our own to hand out around here:

Best Foreign Film: Mathias Kiwanuka, Boston College. Plays wicked awesome defensive end. Has the presdential seal of Uganda tattooed on his back, which has to be a tattoing singularity since we can’t imagine Yoweri Museveni getting loaded on palm wine and getting tatted up in Kigali one crazy Thursday night. The grandson of an assassinated Ugandan PM comes to play football for the Jesuits while earning two degrees and making noises about entering politics after his NFL career. If this isn’t globalization at work, nothing is.

Kiwanuka, seen here imposing an embargo on completions on a player who he outscored on the Wonderlic by thirty points.

Best Screenplay, Nominees 2006 Since Texas won this last year, ruining fellow nominee and big studio fave “USC Best Evah 4 Real,” they’re out of the running this year. This won’t prevent ESPN, CNNSI, or the media as a whole from doing some ridiculously contrived story-arcing prior to the season. The nominated memes are:

1. “Urban Renewal.” Urban Meyer takes Florida to a national title with the Ladyback at qb, overcoming the obstacles of year one and affirming his status as the new pontiff of college fb.

2. “The Mighty Quinn.” Articles proclaiming the Irish’s inevitable march to title begin in 3…2…1…

3. “And a Hovercraft-lovin’, Sweatervest Clad Gangsta Shall Lead Them.” Late season surge, emerging offense, a solid, mobile qb, and the ever-bankable defense will have sportswriters flocking to the Buckeyes for early picks.

4. “Sooner, Rather Than Later.” Predicted Oklahoma resurgence will gain traction with a healthy Adrian Peterson and a Rhett Bomar who knows what the hell he’s doing now.

Remember him? Sportswriters will.

Best Acheivement in Costume Design The nominees will be anyone turning down any one of Nike’s one-armed Power Ranger outfits they’ll no doubt test out on squirming, helpless marquee programs locked into unbreakable, sealed with unspeakable curses Faustian contracts with Phil Knight. Oregon stands zero chance of enduring a new low in a long series of uniform indignities, but Florida and Virginia Tech should know better. (BTW, the one-armed Gator undershirts? Marked down to 22 bucks at Dick’s Sporting Goods the last time we checked. And we still pulled it off the racks with a pair of chicken tongs and refused to buy it.)

The interesting counterpoint to Nike’s avant-garde futzing with unis is Adidas, who’s partnered with UCLA, Notre Dame, and Tennessee, among others. Adidas-with the exception of the new Nebraska unis-rides the “classic” look ’till it breaks, which can actually seem more daring in the face of endless revampings and overhauls than any of the Cirque de Soleil/Freddie Mercury duds Nike makes their athletes ball around in on Saturdays.

As if Leak didn’t go through enough this year.

Petty arguments rule: Onepeat.com finally got their billboard up in L.A., as verified by CollegeFootballblog.org. We wish one of our L.A. readers could actually verify this, too, since we honestly can’t tell the difference between real life and photoshop anymore. (We know, we know, the naked photos of Lindsey Jacobellis going around are fakes. Don’t spoil our delusions, hater.)

They’re also hiring an ad truck-one of those mobile billboard thingys-to drive around the ESPN campus in Bristol with a Onepeat.com message emblazoned on the side. Please let this result in photos of Sean Salisbury flicking off the truck, please let this result in photos of Sean Salisbury flicking off the truck…

The sign, seen here with an obviously unbiased party as witness.

The 7th Floor Crew comes to Gainesville! Miami and Florida will pick up their sporadically scheduled rivalry again in 2008 and 2013, dates which may as well be three thousand years in the future for the college football fan stuck surfing the airwaves for shreds of arena ball and the occasional ESPN Classic game. (UNC-Virginia ‘02! THANK YOU SWEET JESUS!) Since both admins seem to be reluctant to schedule this one consistently, we’ve put together a few things they might have overlooked as potential Miami/UF weekend pregame festivities.

-The UF/Miami Academic challenge, where Miami athletes would be asked basic skills questions while Florida players from University High School will be asked to compete in challenging activities like “Connect Four,” “Chutes and Ladders,” and “Candy Land Supreme.(Now with challenging pastels!)” (Note: changed due to undue cheap shot on ‘Canes. Yes, we just wrote that.-ed. )

-The 7th Floor Challenge, where the lucky ladies of both school will finally get the gangbanging they evidently crave from the 7th Floor Crue, who see nothing gay at all about having sex with a woman in front of a number of their friends.

-The Larry Coker Men’s Fashion Show. ¡Caliente!

-The Mossberg Gatorcane Marksmanship Exhibition, where volunteers from both teams show off their shooting skills by peppering old police cars, empty apartment complexes, and whatever else strikes their fancy with armor-piercing rounds. Participants will compete for the charity of their choice, with the prime beneficiary being the Dee Webb Youth Foundation, also known as “Gats for Brats.”

Just warming up for UF/Miami ‘08, that’s all.