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Marshall, always a strong contender in the race for the Fulmer Cup, scores some spectacular points with the arrest of signee Karon "Kirby" Watson for possession of both marijuana and crack cocaine this past Tuesday night. (Why's the "Kirby" in quotes? Is that the alias he uses when getting a herpes test? Is he pink, spherical, and capable of swallowing objects equal to or larger than himself in single swallows? Can he fly for short distances? We have questions.)

Before we dole out base points and spicy modifiers, this choice quote:

When removed from the vehicle, Watson had a “strong, pungent odor of cannabis on and about his person,” police said.

Several small pieces of suspected crack cocaine and cannabis were found in Watson’s seat and on the floorboard beneath his seat.

I smell 'dro all on you, homes.

We'll use this opportunity to show how we'd give it a base score and then add modifiers. The base score doesn't wiggle, thus eliminating a totally capricious system based on "whatever the hell we want." We've got two charges: possession of pot and crack. Under the current system, we charge for both:

Crack: 3 points (the Biggums rule.)

Pot: 2 points

So you have a total of five points right there--but do they count with a recruit? Marshall as a school will exit this case with at least a point of association by guilt, the "taint rule," since they recruited this kid in the first place and had to know he was an amateur biochemist or a fan thereof. The points would be awarded in full if Marshall plows ahead and takes the guy anyway, a rule known hereafter as the "Willie Williams Rule" for rowdy recruits who display atrocious behavior and get scholarship offers anyway. (HT: Devil Grad)