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COACHES' DEATH MATCH: BUNTING V. ALVAREZ

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…the final match on the card for THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Huss Kies Personal Grooming Products:"Because You Want to Wash Your Ass With A Stick, Not 'Cause You Have To!”™)…we request your full attention be drawn to the center of the blood and mayonnaise-spattered ring for our next two opponents, two tubby titans of the gridiron bent on paying the other's exit fees from this mortal coil, one fresh out of a brief retirement, the other a desperate man holding on to his job and therefore not to be trifled with!

Barry Alvarez

Somewhere between Colonel Kurtz and George "The Animal" Steele...

Height: 6?3?

Weight: 260, but cush new job as AD could see new heights on a steady diet of chicken dinners and barbeque socials with boosters. Plus: lives in Wisconsin, where cheese comes on your ice cream.

Hometown: Burgertown, PA. (His girth was destiny.)

Fighting style: Submission fighter with vicious overhands and a wrestler's flair. Known to come off the toprope and immediately place a stunned opponent in armbar. Prone to eating turnbuckles like his mentor, George "The Animal" Steele. Reminiscent of Tank Abbott with less cardiovascualr capacity.

Strengths: Vicious, quick, and unafraid to terrify his opponent with screams, pre-fight intimidation, and theatrical finishing moves once the match is no longer in question. Deadly off the ropes, and skilled at joint locks. Gets crowds on his side by slapping his own face, eating the aforementioned turnbuckles, and grabbing his own hand as if it were possessed before employing choke holds on helpless opponents. Capable of being seconds from defeat and still inexplicably rallying, especially with a cheering crowd behind him.

Weaknesses: Besides limited endurance, Alvarez suffers from his mentor's weaknesses: a penchant for showboating that often lands him in trouble, usually involving a metal chair or a third party entering the ring behind his back. Distracted by the crowd's adulation, Alvarez showboated for a full three minutes once before Randy Walker brained him with a table pulled from ringside, turning what had been a dominating performance into defeat.

In-ring oufit: Black wrestling bikini.

John Bunting

Hacksaw Jim would be proud.

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 83 Carolina Rib plates

Hometown: Portland, Maine

Fighting style: Whuppin' and a-hollerin'.

Strengths: Trained in bar-brawling and redneck shooto technique, Bunting belongs squarely to the Road House school of fighting, excepting the school's tendency toward feathered hairstyles and kung-fu silliness. He bites, kicks, and plain bludgeons his opponents into unconsciousness with a cold, mean ferocity fight experts describe as "hard to watch," "illegal in forty countries," and "banned under the Geneva convention." Fond of fast attacks to the testicles and eyes.

Weaknesses: As with all "Road House" stylists, cannot handle a match longer than thirty seconds, after which he tires and holds hands out to be cuffed helplessly.

In-ring outfit: One-strapped overalls with two-by-four and broken bottle.

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