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We dropped out of the first-run movie consuming public sometime shortly after our family purchased a VCR and a worn copy of Sharkey's Machine. But here on Mustache Wednesday, we can't help but ignore the horror being assembled in the studios and backrooms of Hollywood: a rehashed big-screen version of...Magnum P.I.

Why will it suck? Besides the obvious reasons of it being a rehashed television series? A few of our predictions:

1. The shorts won't be short enough. They just won't; part of the insouciant confidence that Magnum brought to the screen came via his insistence on wearing pantalones so brief Richard Simmons would balk at them. Magnum didn't care, and neither did the endless parade of big-haired, generously bosomed, and flat-assed television beauties who waltzed through his waterbed on the show. Some people saw "gay", but ladies saw easy access and some serious confidence in a nice pair of he-legs.

2. ACTC will be too fit. TC was supposed to look like a guy who drank beer and flew a helicopter. The film version will be someone like Ving Rhames at the peak of a nandralone cycle. TC was tough, sure, but he wasn't pansy enough to worry about ab work. He was too busy buzzing volcanoes, sleeping with the one black woman who walked in the bar, and kicking ass without caring enough to take names. Don't believe us? Watch the episode where he beats up half the adult male population of the Big Island to save the orphanage. Bad. Ass.

Inexcusable error--the author has been shot.--ed pps. Not fatally, but he is very badly wounded.--ed.

3. The mustache, whomever may be knighted to wear it, won't compare. It can't so don't try.

He is all that is man.

*** Stranko's 2 Cents*** I could get behind this project
IF it were to star a mustachioed Matt Leinart as Magnum and Reggie Bush as TC AND it is directed by Ang Lee and produced by EOE to be shown non-stop on ESPNHD. Otherwise, it is an abomination.