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JIM TRESSEL RULZ IN NE OHIO

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Urban Meyer has garnered much of the recruiting season hubbub--mostly by walking into homes, pointing his hand with index finger and pinkie extended a la Crocodile Dundee and mesmerizing recruits with his animal charisma. (It's enough to make you wonder if he and Dan Mullen urinate on the door to mark their territory as they leave.) The storyline now is an eventual UF rush to a number one ranking in Rivals' recruiting watch, which classically has been both an indicator of future success and inevitable harping from fans instantly expecting national championships, conference titles, and free puppies for everyone.

Urban in person: yeah, just like that.

One ongoing storyline not to forget, though, is the continuing dry-humping of Northeast Ohio by one Jim Tressel, a.k.a. Cheatypants Sweatervest, in the handshake wars. Tressel has the area, tradionally a battleground for Michigan and Ohio State's coaches, is firmly in the Sweatervest's lollipop-filled hands.

Why the complete turnover? A few scenarios we imagine playing out may explain why Michigan has lost almost all of their ground in this important recruiting theater.

Greetings

Tressel: "I'm Jim Tressel. That's an Escalade in your aunt's name. Can I come in? "

Carr: "Hi, Carr here. Don't look so happy. You're a second closer to death, you know. Jesus, same shit, different day..."

First gestures.

Tressel: Extends oddly warm, soft hand to parent. Palms fresh Benjamin with youth minister's smile into parent's grasp.

Carr: Barges through door, starts rummaging through kitchen cabinets while grumbling inaudibly.

Items carried in pocket.

Tressel: Lollipops. Unmarked bills. Keys to cars he doesn't own. A gun. Spare clip-on tie.

Carr: Wallet. Keys to car he owns. Twenty-eight dollars. A packet of McWhorter's "Essential Vitamins for the Bitter and Grizzled."

The pitch.

Tressel: "Buckeye means championships. Buckeyes means excellence. Buckeyes means wiping with twenties and farting hundreds, Billy, and waking up every day up to your eyeballs in gold bullion and pussy. It's kind of like being god, Billy, except you can wear pants and smoke weed on campus. Not even God can do that, as far as I know. God also didn't just put a little something in the candy dish on the table. Neither did Jim Tressel, as far as you know...but he'd be happy for you to count it all. "

Carr: "Tressel been by? Shit, that's nice. Real fucking nice. You got any scotch?"

Length of visit:

Tressel: Three and a half hours

Carr: Thirteen minutes, plus bathroom break. (Unless CSI Miami's on. Little known fact: Lloyd Carr loves David Caruso.)

Carr's favorite actor. Loved him in Jade.

Farewell

Tressel: "Thank you for having me in your home, and taking the time to meet with me today. It's an important decision, and not an easy one. Perhaps sitting in the front seat of this brand new BMW Z4 roadster will help you clear your mind..."

Carr: "'s been nice, real nice. Say anything about this to that pansy Tressel and I'll burn down your house. Michigan rules, Ohio State sucks, and if you wanna play for a real man, come talk to me. I'll be at the Applebee's down the street laying waste to a plate of jalapeno poppers when you're ready. Jesus frickin' Christ, these people..."