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COACHING DEATH MATCH: BRACKETS

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In March, millions of fans nationwide will fill up their own brackets in an attempt to predict the exact pecking order of a 64 team tournament involving a sport called...basket-ball. Or something like that. If it's anything like Baseketball, we're positive it sucks too much to even talk about, especially since most of the guys playing the game appear to suffer from Marfan's Syndrome and play for colleges that DON'T EVEN HAVE FOOTBALL TEAMS. Those poor, poor people.

If basket-ball's anything like this movie, it sucks ass.

We're creating a more interesting bracket: the Coaches' Death Match bracket, also known as the idle, wildly speculative entertainment that could carry us through at least a month of the offseason. It all counts in large amounts around here, since until the spring games we're reduced to killing flies in our cell and tinkering with our meds for fun. (Tip: Haldol + Bourbon= total immunity to pepper spray and tasers. Thanks to the Decatur police for yet another contribution to our study, and for the bullet wound in our leg that eventually brought us down!)

Yesterday we announced our categories. Today we're filling the slots. These are provisional, meaning if you bitch enough in comments, the lineups could be reconfigured to include someone we overlooked in a moment of negligence. And if there's three words you should associate with EDSBS, it's "moment of negligence."

The brackets are as follows:

Division One: THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION.

Mark "Mr. Creosote" Mangino
Ralph "Gastric Superhighway" Friedgen
Tom "Hot Pockets" Amstutz
Phil "Gojira!" Fulmer
Charlie "I actually almost died from fatness surgery" Weis
(Slot to be filled--accepting nominations.)

Division Two: The USMC Samurai division.

Ed "The" Orgeron (ROOAAARRR!!!)
Dan "Fighting Lotus" Hawkins

Mike "Arrgggh" Leach
Joe "The Killer" Tiller (Mustache earns bonus points)
Dennis "The Menace" Franchione
Chuck "Blotto" Amato
Bill "The Thrill" Callahan
Houston Nutt (no nickname needed, as name is obviously already made-up.)

Division Three: The Ong Bak Deluxe Edition DVD© Division

Urban "The Denier" Meyer
Pete "The Truth" Carroll
Dirk Koetter (again, no nickname needed)
Mark "Morpheus" Richt
Tyrone "The Fairway Frightener" Willingham
Mike "Da Rulah" Shula
Karl "Quarrel" Dorrell
Bob "Bonecrusher" Stoops

Division Four: The Rockport Shoes© Old Dudes Division

Joe "Inferno" Paterno
Bobby "The Crippler" Bowden
Frank "The Tank" Beamer (w/Jenkins)
Paul "Bear" Bryant (dead)
Woody "Come here you little bitch, I'll..." Hayes (dead)
George "The Bleeder" O' Leary (not actually that old, but looks it.)
Fisher "The Smiter" DeBerry
Steve "Hurtin-ya" Spurrier (not that old, but uses old man hair dye.)

Again, revisions, suggestions, and requisite objections and profanities should be made below.