clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


After much quality feedback, we've come up with the following divisions for our Coaches' Death Match, the offseason time-killer of all time-killers where one coach will face another in the hypothetical Octagon, emerging only when the one lies bloody and dying in the ring, and the other emerges covered in glory and brain matter.

Division One: THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION. The People's Champs' division, dominated by some of the biggest men in the college game, brought to you by the experts at Meatnormity™, Burger King. Our participants will include but are not limited to Tom "Tons'a Terror" Anschutz, Mark "Manwich" Mangino, Charlie "Hips" Weis, and the incoming favorite, Phil "Glazed and Confused" Fulmer.

Amstutz: Meatnormity personified.

Division Two: The USMC Samurai division. Brought to you by our sponsors in the Marine Corps--who, according to their commercials, train by climbing pillars of sandstone without ropes or fighting Balrok-looking fire monsters with swords--the Samurai division will feature those coaches most in tune with the ooh-rah lifestyle. Representing the Zen side will be the cerebral but merciless Dan Hawkins; the Taoists will send madman Mike Leach and his swashbuckling methods; and emerging from a tunnel of flame in all his eight-armed, bloody-fanged glory, Tibetan death God/Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron will enter as the clear favorite in the early going in this division. Actual Marine Tom O'Brien will not compete, as he is too skinny for the division.

The favorite is clear...and currently eating a disrespectful Chik-Fil-A employee at a drive-thru in Oxford.

Division Three: The Ong Bak Deluxe Edition DVD© Division. Reserved for the wiriest and wiliest of our coaching pool, the Ong Bak division takes its allotment from the more sinewy coaches who obviously weave their way through the landmines of the offseason booster's buffets with caution. This division will no doubt be smaller, but should pack no less punch thanks to stunning aerial displays, lightning strike punching, and even shocking outbreaks of illegal in-ring knife-fighting. Urban "Disturbin'" Meyer, Dirk Koetter (no nickname needed,) Mark "Sensei" Richt, and Pete "The Dragon" Carroll will all stand a chance in the division, even with odds-on favorite Tyrone "9-Iron" Willingham training up a storm on the golf course in the off-season.

Division Four: The Rockport Shoes© Old Dudes Division. Old guys need their separate fighting bloc, both due to impending danger of hip fracture and the trained master strokes of their dim mak death strikes. The luminaries will all be there: Bowden and his acclaimed razor blade safari hat, Paterno and the limitless rage that's killed hundreds of opponents dead from fear alone, and the dark horse favorite Larry Coker, whose Uncle Fester looks have disappeared many coaches before their time (including two of his own coaches just last week.) Dead coaches, who by definition are old, may compete as well, though we plan to keep those slots to a minimum, reserving one each for Woody Hayes and Bear Bryant.

Paterno, seen here sucking the life from a young linebacker, is a favorite in the Old Dudes division.

Leave your comments and suggestions for bracketology below.