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BELATED MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY

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Life intervened today and pulled us away from the pipe for a few precious hours, postponing our Mustache Wednesday holiday edition.

Actually, if we're going to do a Holiday Mustache Wednesday, we should clear something up ahead of time. First of all, don't even email in asking about a "Christmas Mustache Wednesday," because we'll let you in on a little secret: we're the one everyones talking about when they say "they've declared war on Christmas." Just between us, we've been trying to destroy if for years, if only to make the wall-to-wall football orgy that would be a college football playoff a reality and take that pesky so-called "holiday" out of the way. Now excuse us, we've got to get back to our spacious mansion in Pottersville before the servants release the hounds.

Since we're obviously failing badly in our crusade against Christmas, we've got to take life's lemons, freeze them, and through them through the windshields of outrageous fortune while we can. One way to do this is to beg our lucky stars that certain relatives default to the two easy options of last-minute familial gift-giving:

1. Asking the spouse.

2. Officially making the "fuck-it" gesture by throwing a gift card your way.

If this happens, and it usually does, then we'll be rolling on the floor watching one of two prized DVDs this holiday season: the 4th season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which could end anything resembling productivity in Swindle Manor in fifteen minute increments for the next month; or should we be cursed with the ultimate of distractions, the Pink Panther Box Set, which features both our featured Mustache of the Day and our favorite actor of all time, Peter Sellers.

Colonel Lionel Mandrake in the house, wishing you a happy Mustache Wednesday.