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THREE BOWLS THAT SHOULD HAPPEN

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Life’s not perfect--fortunately, though, our fantasies are. Here’s a few of the bowls as they should be played, each with their own appropriate setting, sponsor, and ideal matchups. When we’re in charge of things, the whole system will be first against the wall, of course—but in the meantime, what we can’t kill, we’ll mock ‘til it bleeds.

December 24, New Orleans, Lousiana: The Crestor/Nathan’s Mr. Creosote Bowl

Teams: Kansas vs. Maryland

Katrina, Schmatrina. A total lack of public sanitation can only help the festivities sure to result between two teams piloted by the biggest men in the business, Mark Mangino and Ralph Friedgen. Game will begin not with a coin toss, but instead with a competitive eating contest on the fifty yard line between the coaches, who will down tasty Nathan’s hot dogs until one coach gives. Vomiting, diarrhea, gastric torsion, foundering or death will disqualify participants. The winner of the eating contest effectively wins the coin toss, and gets to coach the game lying belly down on a couch on the sidelines.

Favored: Kansas. Mangino’s unchecked swelling will carry the Jayhawks to victory--the man appears to be in the grip of an unending allergic reaction.

Mangino's the man to carry the Jayhwaks to victory in the Mr. Creosote Bowl.

December 26, Kingston, Jamaica: The Carnival Cruiselines /Visine Fog Bowl

Teams: Bowling Green versus the UAB Blazers.

Crimes abound, and one of them is the fact that both Omar Jacobs and Darrell Hackney will be staying home for the holidays. If there was a nanobit of justice in this world, the two would be playing each other in the Fog Bowl in Kingston, the first overseas bowl game. The game would feature a liberal concessions policy (fans will get hungry) , constant mellow reggae sounds piped in from the house band, and…well, something else that just totally slipped our mind, bro. But trust us, whatever it was, it was going to be awesome. The only logistical problem would be keeping the Miami Hurricanes from ditching their prior bowl obligation and crashing the party.

Favored: Bowling Green. Staying focused will be the key in a potentially sloppy second half, as both teams try to maintain poise in an aggressively relaxed atmosphere. Omar Jacobs has dreads, which confirms our suspicions that he's played in this kind of game before, or at least has conditioned himself for the playing environment of Kingston in his spare time.

Hiring this trainer would suit teams headed for the Visine Bowl well.

January 1st, Tallahassee, Florida: The Sylvan Learning Centers/University High School Oscar Davenport Bowl.

Teams: Kansas State vs. Tennessee.

Another variation on the coin toss can be found in the Oscar Davenport Bowl, where teams pick their best and brainiest partial qualifiers to face off in a pregame battery of tests designed to push the cognitive limits of their signal-callers' gray matter. (Davenport, by the way, scored a 6 on the Wonderlic.) Thrill as the Wildcats and Vols run out of chips in Connect Four! Gasp in stunned silence as they circle the board in Trivial Pursuit wedgeless for hours at a stretch! Laugh as home-schooled 8 year olds outspell the shit out of Division 1-A quarterbacks! A football game will follow the festivities, but who's paying attention to that when you've got two lineman sweating out a game of Mousetrap on the sidelines? Or Eric Ainge staring blankly at a game of Boggle with only these three words written down:

ART

FART

FAR

Favored Team: In pregame, Tennessee, since not even the Vols can go as low as Kansas State can for historically abysmal Wonderlic scores. Who cares about the game? We'll be stumping our opponent with our unstoppable Uno! technique and getting sloshed off our third egg nog.

Straight from those hard streets: Connect Four, bitch.