As most of you know by now, Phil Fulmer--who is very, very fat--is a bit of a gossip. (Know this though: apparently Fulmer only likes giving tips to the NCAA.) He also had a very, very bad year as Tennessee head football coach, prompting him to write an email to fans both apologizing to fans for the down year and promising to re-evaluate the program from the top down.
EDSBS has acquired an early draft of the email, which Fulmer hand wrote himself over a lunch of...well, a lot of things, we suppose, judging from the condition of the letter. The email is revealing: Fulmer not only continues to display his penchant for gossip--censored in red pen by the legal department--but also shows a shocking preference for the jelly donut, not the plain glazed Krispy Kreme that Fulmer-watchers long suspected.
Page 2 of Fulmer's rough draft. Who knew Fulmer liked Dos Equis?
Dear ungrateful ingrates Tennessee Fans,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for the making me fire Randy Sanders great support you give our team. Your unhealthy, cheez-curl fed obsession passion and pride for our program is what makes me us lie sleepless with a loaded Glock with no safety under my pillow at night special!
By the way--did you know Mike Shula waxes his chest. My wife's sister's pastor's mechanic's hairdresser says he gets it done once a month along with a trim around the man-bunker. Why would anyone want to go to a school coached by that guy? Just asking--Go Vols!
This year was a disappointing season for everyone in the Tennessee family. We started this season with great expectations and failed to live up to those expectations, maybe because I haven't slept right for years waiting for one of you tubby orange-clad lunatics to pick me off through my window like a ten-point buck for punting on 4th and 2. I assure you that no one is happy about our season - especially Randy Sanders, heh heh me, and I know that our fans deserve better than what we produced this year which was total horseshit.
Now that the season is over, I am taking a step back and FIRING SOME MOTHERFUCKERS re-evaluating the entire program. BUT FIRST: DID YOU KNOW THAT JOE KINES HAS TWENTY-THREE BASTARD CHILDREN IN HAITI? We're doing a lot of things well - especially our defense, but obviously not enough. We grossly underachieved offensively, and special teams were erratic at best. I've dealt personally with the situation by killing Randy Sanders with my bare hands, and eating him leisurely over the course of three days. Sanders in a Bernaise sauce with a broccolini side was my personal favorite. As I've said before, the results this year are unacceptable and accountability starts with Randy, who as I said before, I ate from his tasty brains down to his chewy, delicious little toes me.
My cabal of slave minions chained to tape machines staff and I have great determination to get things back on track. In order to get things turned around, we first have to go to Calhoun's and eat an entire pig--from the rooter to the tooter. That's what champions do. look at what happened this season. I'm doing a complete audit of everything in our program. No stone will be left unturned and no question left unanswered as to what went wrong. But did you ever ask yourself this question, people: why is Pete Carroll always so happy? Prozac, y'all. Pops 'em like I pop hush puppies. You wanna play for that guy, recruits? Prince Valium? Plus, I'll let you in on another secret: everyone in California is gay. Every last one of 'em. Ever wonder why they parade around in that armor? Gayness, that's why. Not a single one of 'em in Knoxville, I tell you what. Go Vols!
I've taken some steps already and others are in short order. Mmm...short order. Tex, fry me up a midget! Stat! All that Randy-meat's got me hankering for some long-pig. Hell, I don't know, see if they've got one rotting out on the Body Farm, for all I care. Haven't you ever heard of aged beef? Same thing, just cheaper. I have made some coaching changes to move forward. I feel the addition of David Cutcliffe as offensive coordinator is a great step forward for us. He is a great football coach, but better yet he's a leader and teacher who couldn't possibly be as ineffective or tasty as his predecessor. He will challenge our thinking, be creative with our offense and very demanding of our players.
I appreciate the constant fucking harassment support and patience I've received from the administration and Tennessee fans everywhere to make the adjustments I need to make to flee to a third world country where I can live tax free with a 90 pound mistress who doesn't speak English in anonymity, resting all day on a pile of discarded chicken bones and pineapple husks get back to where I believe we should be. We have had many great moments, games and seasons together and will again. Especially once I get out the rumor that Spurrier once threw a ball threw the chest of a second string qb who audibled to a run on first down in a scrimmage. Oh, and you know Ed Orgeron? He ate his offensive coordinator, too, but didn't stop there--he went on to eat his house, his car, and his boat, and when he was finished, he grunted a shat a bronze statue of Ed eating the guy. You wanna play for that guy? Go Vols! Tennessee football is about pride, and it's my first priority to restore that pride.
Head Football Coach
NB: Sending this forward for legal to take a look at---you know what happens when I start sending emails around without clearance!