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WEIS SIGNS 4 MILLION YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION

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Notre Dame announced late yesterday that they have come to terms with first-year coach Charlie Weis on a four million year contract extension. The unprecedented contract will pay Weis 4 million dollars a year adjusted for inflation over the first million years of the contract, with arbitration to determine pay increases as of the year 1,002,005 A.D. Bonuses include rewards for national championships, attending BCS bowl games, and surviving alien attack, plague, severe climate change, and Armageddon itself.

No one was more surprised by the terms of the contract than Weis himself.

"I honestly don' t know what they're thinking," said the coach at his weekly press conference yesterday morning. "I'm probably gonna kick off in forty years at most, and that's getting awfully optimistic, frankly. I probably like my brats and MGD a little too much to make it that far, you know?" Reporters chuckled in response.

Notre Dame AD Kevin White, the prime mover behind the contract according to behind-the-scenes sources, attempted to explain the eons-long commitment Notre Dame was making to a man who would likely be dead long before the terms of the contract expired.

"Notre Dame is about passion, excellence, and a commitment to the things that matter," White said in a conference call Monday afternoon. "What better way to show that commitment to excellence than showing our commitment to the future--not just for the next decade, or century, but for the likely remainder of human civilization? It's innovative. It's proactive. It's thinking outside of the box. We want to be all of those things at Notre Dame, even when the spider robot overlords rule the earth in the year 32,956 A.D. "

White also refused to show concern over Weis' inability to survive the full span of the contract.

"Coach Weis has demonstrated excellence in all facets of his program thus far. We're positive that longevity will be just another facet he'll succeed in. But I want to also say a word about his toughness. We're confident Weis can guide the Irish to national championships time and time again, even through the Water Wars of the late 64th century and the Great Imploding Ass Fever epidemic of the early 26th century. When a recruit comes to Notre Dame, we want to say that your coach will always be there for you--even if Indiana becomes a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by roaming bands of body-armor clad psychopaths who would kill you for a single drop of gasoline. "

Weis, seen here in the late 24th century, has the tactics to guide the Irish through tough times, according to AD Kevin White.

"We're looking for a Coach to guide us through tough times like that. Charlie Weis is that man."

Despite the generous compensation, Weis still appeared befuddled when pressed by reporters.

"One jackoff writes a column and they go frickin' nuts around here, " said Weis. "One column. I'm sitting there looking at it and going, 'Hey, you know I'm gonna be pushing daisies up in forty years,' and the lawyers are sitting there just saying 'Charlie, think of the recruits.' So you sign the thing, shut 'em up, and go back to your office for a cup of coffee."

Students, however, expressed their excitement at Weis' landmark contract.

"There's gonna be robot spider overlords?" said ND student and football fans Ed Korlovski. "Fucking A, I say. Weis will own them. "