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CATHOLICS VS. MORMONS: HOUSE OF ROCK ON BYU/ND

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The House Rock Built, which is to Notre Dame blogs what we are to Florida football, has two fine posts this week on the upcoming Catholics vs. Mormons matchup with BYU. We have our own analysis of the game in a similar mode, basing ours on the pillars of civilization: ass, football, booze, caffeine, and sheer balls.

ASS

The Catholic Church's fastest growing populations are in Africa. A-f-r-i-c-a. Ain't no need in even asking, brah. Advantage: Catholics.

FOOTBALL

Lavell Edwards...or Knute Rockne? Advantage, Catholics.

BOOZE.

You got a problem with Dr. Booze, you got a problem with us. Utah: dry in more ways than one. Catholics: strong in Ireland and Spain. Advantage, Catholics.

Dean Martin concurs: on booze, advantage Catholics.

CAFFEINE. Colombia: Catholic. Provo: can't buy a fucking Coke. Advantage, Catholics.

SHEER BALLS. Catholics: at one point actually charged patrons for admission into the afterlife. Mormons: had leader who told followers his mandate came on gold tablets he dug out of the ground...tablets that mysteriously disappeared because "God had retaken them." But not before he wrote everything down, of course. Advantage: Mormons.

Admittedly, under our priorities, the Mormons never really had a chance here. (Really, if we moved there it might be the biggest mismatch in Provo since Jim McMahon stumbled around the campus.) But science never lies, friend.Overall advantage: Catholics.