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FOOTBALL VOLDEMORT TAKES THE STAGE, STUMBLES ON CAPE

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College GameDay! We hardly knew how much we missed you. The good news is Mark May has grown a femme-pelt looking goatee of the '70s porno variety. (Georgina Spelvin's, actually, of The Devil in Miss Jones.) The bad news is that Corso's pancaking the makeup on these days--he looks like an enormous piece of cauliflower caked in bronzer, twitching and pointing with all of the fluidity of the rusty animatronic Warren G. Harding from the old Hall of Presidents.

Move over, Franklin Pierce. Corso needs your chair.

He looks rusty, inconsistent, random...all words which could describe the 'Cocks revolting performance in the last three quarters of the UCF game we watched tonight. Spurrier did throw his visor--thus officially beginning the college football season--but once wasn't enough to describe the muddle that congealed on the field for the better part of the game.

Promise? Hell yeah--South Carolina and Blake Mitchell sprinted out of the first two possessions with fourteen points, a slew of nifty completions, and a frenetic attitude belied by the ridiculous cock's crow following the danceriffic td romps. Then familiar, sneaking tendencies...issues with protection...stuffed traps and draws going nowhere...John Thompson's goddamned "bucket of minnows" defense that alternately produces massive sacks and gut-ripping runs through the seams...and for three quarters, the Gamecocks played a lot like a team who remembered who they are. Like the Gamecocks.

They'll get better. Syvelle Newton looked astonishingly good at wideout , and Blake Mitchell can throw the long, loopy parabolas Spurrier's qbs channel from their coach. Ko Simspon is nasteeeee. But the team that looked the most improved in this game wasn't the Gamecocks--it was O'Leary's UCF team, who played tenaciously in the face of superior talent. They kept the ball away from the 'Cocks, made Mitchell run around like a chicken with...well you, know, they had him working, that's all. They won't lose eleven games this season playing like that. Spurrier's team will be lucky to win five playing the way they did tonight.