We’ll be live-blogging the UF-Wyoming game this weekend while simultaneously keeping an eye on the BSU/UGA game-stop in and marvel at the nauseating emotional swings, which should get more dramatic as the vodka tonics settle in for the long haul sometime around five p.m.
Enjoy the sweet, ephemeral joy of a weekend of college football. James Wright said it better than we ever could in “Autumn Begins in Martins Ferry, Ohio:”
In the Shreve High football stadium,
I think of Polacks nursing long beers in Tiltonsville,
And gray faces of Negroes in the blast furnace at Benwood,
And the ruptured night watchman of Wheeling Steel,
Dreaming of heroes.
All the proud fathers are ashamed to go home.
Their women cluck like starved pullets,
Dying for love.
Therefore,
Their sons grow suicidally beautiful
At the beginning of October,
And gallop terribly against each other’s bodies.
Football. Goddamn, Football.
We love you New Orleans. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers, and give, bitches, give.
We’ll see you on the couch.
In the midst of CNNSI writer John Walters’ picks column for the coming week we find this astonishingly inaccurate comment amid the numerous Shecky Greeneisms:
Boise State coach Dan Hawkins has the best record of any I-A coach this decade (44-6) … whereas Sophie B. Hawkins had the worst record of any artist last decade (c’mon, sing it: “Damn! I wish I was your lover …”). I mean, even grammatically, that’s incorrect.
At least she looked hot crawling on the floor in a toga in the video.
In addition to deserving a foul for the forced segue, there’s an issue of atrocious imprecision, too.
Maybe John got lucky and was surrounded by glamour 24/7 during the Flannel Decade, but we were in the Tampa Bay area for a considerable amount of time in the 1990s, where it’s 1987 all the time no matter the date. Plenty of shit on the radio stank worse that the crapulent “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover,” and at least she looked hot crawling around on the floor in the video. To wit:
“Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba? “My Boo” by Ghosttown DJs? “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by Meat Loaf? “All My Life” by Jodeci? Anything by Jodeci besides “Lately” from the Unplugged special by Jodeci? “Indian Outlaw by Tim McGraw”? “Bugs” by Pearl Jam? “Dog Shit” from the carcass that was the second Wu-Tang album? “Tease Me, Please Me,” by the Scorpions?
Q.E.D., motherfucker. Please add your supporting evidence in the comments below.
*** Stranko’s Interjection: As for Sophie, you forgot to mention the lesbian chic thing she had going for her (or make fun of her appearance on Hit Me Baby One More Time). Lay off of Tubthumping because any song by anarchists with the refrain about getting pissed from a variety of fermented beverages isn’t all bad. You’re never gonna keep them down! As for worst song, how could you leave Canada’s own Tom Cochran off the list for his horrific “Life is a highway” nonsense.
HP, hold off on buying your plane tickets to Baton Rouge: the much-anticipated matchup between ASU and LSU may be another casualty of bitchcane Katrina. Tiger Stadium and surrounding facilities may become part of the “magnificent” response to the anarchy in New Orleans, according to Fanblogs. Probably for the best, lest a raging mob of refugees steal HP’s Jim Rome turtleneck and harm our favorite online oppugnant.
Two rivals have spot of tea and a chat prior to beating the crap out of each other for four quarters at Blue Gray Sky. Mass hysteria to follow.
First, tea. Then mayhem.
Former UF qb and Heisman winner Danny Wuerffel got through Katrina just fine, leaving his post at Desire Street Ministries for his family’s home in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. His house in New Orleans and the Desire Street Ministries building, where he runs an outreach program for families in the poorest neighborhoods like the submerged Ninth Ward, is not: the levee breach primarily responsible for the flooding happened across the street from Wuerffel’s house. Wuerffel has asked for donations to Desire Street Ministries in the wake of the chaos. Follow this link for donations.
Prior to all the hype surrounding the return of the Evil Genius to college football, last year’s Pac 10 also ran Oregon kicked off their season and debuted their new offense. Much like the architecture and decor of Venice, the new offense appears to be bits of pieces pilfered from other programs around the country… not that there is anything wrong with that. In fact, my hat is off to the Oregon staff for realizing that their mojo went the way of Andy Rodick’s after Tedford left to build a legitimate program at Cal.
It was a decent showing for an opening game on the road but there are some definite kinks to be worked out. Oregon’s new hybrid West Coast/Spread Option attack showed an ability to move the ball almost on command against an admittedly overmatched opponent, but early on stalled in the red zone. That is understandable, as the red zone is what exposes a team’s execution the most and Oregon is still in the process of learning this system.
The biggest problem, however, was Oregon’s secondary which got lit up in the first half with some major breakdowns on the deep ball. Matt Leinart must have been licking his chops while watching this game from a hot tub in Hollywood, while drinking his Cristal with a half a dozen Playboy Bunnies. On the positive side, they avoided these types of breakdowns in the second half. The verdict so far on Oregon’s rebuilding effort… hung jury. The potential is there for a nice offensive squad, but if they must improve in the secondary if they hope to compete with cream of the Pac 10, USC and Cal.
Come back in here Matt… the water’s great. And Nick Lachey is on his way over.
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Sporting the pre-season first team all SEC quarterback, the ‘Dores did something rarer than a scientologist on Prozac… they won a season opener. Unfortunately, because I know of no one with ESPNU, I was left to only reading about it. Too bad, because I’ve always had a little soft spot in my heart for those guys in Nashville who (like Notre Dame claims to) keep academics first and don’t even have an athletic department. The best part about this first opener win in 8 years is that it wasn’t even over a pastie…. if Vandy could even find one… it was over an ACC rival and half-way decent squad from Wake Forest. Kentucky better watch out this season.
College GameDay! We hardly knew how much we missed you. The good news is Mark May has grown a femme-pelt looking goatee of the ’70s porno variety. (Georgina Spelvin’s, actually, of The Devil in Miss Jones.) The bad news is that Corso’s pancaking the makeup on these days-he looks like an enormous piece of cauliflower caked in bronzer, twitching and pointing with all of the fluidity of the rusty animatronic Warren G. Harding from the old Hall of Presidents.
Move over, Franklin Pierce. Corso needs your chair.
He looks rusty, inconsistent, random…all words which could describe the ‘Cocks revolting performance in the last three quarters of the UCF game we watched tonight. Spurrier did throw his visor-thus officially beginning the college football season-but once wasn’t enough to describe the muddle that congealed on the field for the better part of the game.
Promise? Hell yeah-South Carolina and Blake Mitchell sprinted out of the first two possessions with fourteen points, a slew of nifty completions, and a frenetic attitude belied by the ridiculous cock’s crow following the danceriffic td romps. Then familiar, sneaking tendencies…issues with protection…stuffed traps and draws going nowhere…John Thompson’s goddamned “bucket of minnows” defense that alternately produces massive sacks and gut-ripping runs through the seams…and for three quarters, the Gamecocks played a lot like a team who remembered who they are. Like the Gamecocks.
They’ll get better. Syvelle Newton looked astonishingly good at wideout , and Blake Mitchell can throw the long, loopy parabolas Spurrier’s qbs channel from their coach. Ko Simspon is nasteeeee. But the team that looked the most improved in this game wasn’t the Gamecocks-it was O’Leary’s UCF team, who played tenaciously in the face of superior talent. They kept the ball away from the ‘Cocks, made Mitchell run around like a chicken with…well you, know, they had him working, that’s all. They won’t lose eleven games this season playing like that. Spurrier’s team will be lucky to win five playing the way they did tonight.
