Since our computer's speakers are fucked up and refusing us the pleasure of listening to WATB's spanking new podcast, we're left here in silence to ponder which announcers we might find most amusing if they were allowed a turn in the booth during a college football game of little import. The 11:00 p.m. EST Mountain West game on ESPN 2 would be perfect, we're guessing.
1. Paris Hilton. Dumb as a bag of hammers and just as useful, she's the perfect candidate to cover the late-night BYU-SDSU game. Imagining the middle-aged announcer giggling over her would be worth it alone-"Paris, do you think he blew the coverage on that one?" (snort-chuckle-chuckle-chuckle-snort)-but also interesting would be Paris' commentary on the game, which might center on questions about the game itself since we doubt she's ever watched a down of college football. (Eg: "Why do they keep talking about how sweaty that fat guy's ass is? That is so fucking gross.") Let's not pray for her to get familiar with the college game, though, since her previous work of note indicates that once she gets familiar with a subject, she turns it into a repetitive, monotonous joyless exercise with a lackluster finish.
Yes, we are shamelessly posting a pic of Paris Hilton.
2. Ron Zook. Three seasons away from his inevitable canning, we can't help but imagine what a success Zook would be in the booth, if only because he could bring a perspective oft-unheard outside of the confines of the Jim Rome show: total cluelessness. Everything would show improvement, including four stalled drives in a row; an incompetent bit of clock management would, of course, be "correctable," and just a sign that a guy "was trying to give his team the chance to win;" and finally, once the other guys were off the air, Zook would work an additional seven hours in the empty studio with his headset off, commenting on how beige the walls were while calling up seventeen-year old A/V club members compulsively on the phone at 3 a.m. asking them to intern with ESPN 2. ("We've got a great program for young men here. We're getting better and better...")
3. Vladmir Putin. Yes, his English isn't great, and he knows a lot more about killing Bulgarian dissidents with poisonous umbrellas than the spread option. (Where else you gonna get a Georgi Markov reference in a college football blog, fool? Huh?) But what could be funnier than the presence of dead serious former KGB agent Putin in a booth with two pot-bellied yuksters covering the UNT-Idaho game at 12:30 in the morning, commenting in a monotone until he eventually tires of them and has them jailed or killed?
Especially with Putin's platinum-grill bodyguards stealing their jewelry and peeing in the corners during the broadcast?
Announcer: Wow! Vladmir, those guys just ran through Idaho's defense like a knife through butter, didn't they.
Putin: Yes. I also think they run like knife through skin. You tire me, Mike Golic. Georgi, pozhalsta...(Sounds of struggle, ripping, and a body being thrown from the booth through a plate glass window...)
Bill Curry, this Mountain West matchup tires me.
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