On the last day of the work week, we offer some giggly distraction in the form of our first preseason conference all-name team. We begin with the ACC:
Offense:
QBs: Kevin Cronin, Tribble Reese. One's named after the lead singer of REO Speedwagon. The other's named Tribble. 'Nuff said.
C: Izzy and Lavdrim Bauta. Brothers!
OTs: D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Gary Burley, LaMarte McGee. A lineman named Burley is always funny, but damn--D'Brickashaw never fails to take our breath away. Manlier than being a football player in D-1? Being a D-1 starter whose nickname is "Brick."
OGs: Yomi Ojo, Arby Jones. An athlete, a roast beef sandwich, all in one!
WR: Chansi Stuckey, De'Cody Fagg, Jo Jo Walker, Max Opamuratawongse, Damarius Bilbo. As usual, the WR category had an outstanding selection of talent, with De'Cody Fagg continuing his inexorable rise to the top of the all-time all-name team list. What we wouldn't give to hear Larry Munson cussing under his breath when the spotter hands him "reception by Max Opamurata...ahwhatthefuckinghell..."
K: Gary Cismesia, Obi Egekeze. One sounds like a disease, the other a disgraced Ghanaian finance minister.
Defense:
DEs: Mathias Kiwanuka, Omarr Savage. For christ's sake, with a name like Omarr Savage he's got to be a football player. The extra "r" is what makes it extra tuff.
DTs: Kamerion Wimbley, Goryal Scales, Kyndraus Guy. Special mention to Goryal Scales, whose name fits into the "Vigo the Destroyer" category of intimidating monikers. Plus, it sounds like "gore y'all."
LBs: D'Qwell Jackson, KaMichael Hall, Devonta Brown.
CB: Jazzmen Williams, DeJuan Tribble. A noteworthy pair from Boston College. Jazzmen deserves special attention for having a plural noun for a type of people as his singular first name--imagine someone named "Plumbers," or "Damongolhorde," or even "Helpdesk." By the way, we just named FSU's starting linebackers in 2018.
FS: Jamaal Fudge, Greg Threat. A safety should take a new name when they earn a starting position, like a codename or the new label you take when converting to a new religion. Greg Threat wouldn't have to change a thing, though we recommend changing his first name to "Major" just for the hell of it.
SS: Matt Rising. A man who's name is a sentence, which earns him a starting spot. The sentence being a suggestive one only adds to the appeal.
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