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SPRINGAPALOOZA: THIS WEEKEND'S COMPLETE PRACTICE GAME AND SCRIMMAGE ROUNDUP

Sure, we understand how level-headed and logical you are at heart. They're just spring games, just practices...JUST THE ONLY TASTE OF FOOTBALL YOU GET FOR THE NEXT FOUR FUCKING MONTHS OF YOUR MISERABLE, PETTY LIFE. So since you're so calm, cool, and not at all obsessed, here's a rundown of this weekend's major spring scrimmages.
-Reggie Ball scrambles a lot, but doesn't throw ball away on fourth down in Georgia Tech's defense-heavy spring game.

Reggie Ball: may improve despite Chan Gailey, a.k.a. the man who made Kordell Stewart the qb he is today.
-Colorado's freaky Bernard Jackson-a qb-busts a 78-yard TD run in the Buffs' scrimmage. Starter Joel Klatt looks good, too. Wanna bet Gary Barnett can't create a qb controversy where there isn't one? He is a genius, after all...across the state, acclaimed "non-genius" Sonny Lubick's CSU team was on the field, too.
-Virgina Tech looks like themselves in brutal, low-scoring Maroon/White game. Marcus Mexico-er, Vick- shows "flashes," which means he should probably begin an appropriate course of antibiotics immediately.
-South Carolina didn't burn up the scoreboard in the Garnet and Black game, but seeing the ball fly over ten yards through the air seemed to satisfy the record crowd at Williams-Brice stadium. Across the state, Clemson racked up huge yards in the Orange and White game. The over under for Clemson/SC this year: 132 points.

A guy named Bowden will play a guy named Spurrier in a bitter rivalry game this year. Paris says the look for 2005 is retro.
-NC State's defense tallies 12 sacks in the Red/White game. Did anyone else know they were the number one defense in the nation last year? Despite allowing 24 points to a team coached by Chan Gailey? And 45 to a team quarterbacked by Brock Berlin? And having a head coach who wears his sunglasses at night?
-Vols, who have enough players to hold a proper scrimmage despite recent legal pecadilloes-assault? Who doesn't get arrested for assault every now and then?-stoke the fires of the lamest of sportstalk conflagrations, a qb controversy in Knoxville.
-Jeff Bowden's offense continues its holding pattern as the FSU defense throttles the offense in Tallahassee. Bowden says he sees improvement, potential, and little pink elephants on parade wherever he looks.
-Houston Nutt tells QBs to "go run around and do stuff," defense romps in Razorbacks' scrimmage. Nutt chews on towel, throws hands in air, rants, and holds post-game press conference in hog suit he wears at second job as barbecue restaurant greeter. (We can only dream...)

Famished, Houston Nutt orders a sandwich "this long."