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WHO IS THE MYSTERY MIDWESTERNER?

About fifteen minutes of research helped us figure out who this is, but the real mystery is this: when do we get to hear about the cash? The orgies? The scandals? Thus far we've got a few complaints about staff not getting their bowl gifts, which would only be interesting if the bowl officials were handing out something like, say, bales of cocaine or Chechen war brides to the school. You know, like Oklahoma did in the early '80s.

Tony Montana, host of the Capital One Bowl, pictured with party favors. That would be a proper scandal.