Every Day Should Be Saturday - All Posts

LOUISVILLE'S NEW HEISMAN CAMPAIGN

2013-05-20T20:51:02Z

Things have never looked brighter for Louisville - a big Sugar Bowl win over Florida, a reaffirmation of commitment from Charlie Strong in the offseason, and a returning superstar ready to vault to the top of the Heisman list in Teddy Bridgewater.

Except...Bridgewater's not interested in a Heisman campaign. That's selfless and shows focus on team success, sure, but it's also a big problem. See, Louisville had already set aside the money in the budget for that ad blitz, and now it has to get used. There's really only one option: JOHN WALLACE FOR HEISMAN.

Here are some extreme facts about KICKER JOHN WALLACE, HEISMAN CANDIDATE:

- Made ALMOST EVERY ONE OF HIS EXTRA POINTS in October 2012
- ZERO regular season kickoffs out of bounds
- NEVER takes the last CRESCENT ROLL
- LED TEAM in TOTAL TACKLES by a PUNTER OR KICKER
- Scored MORE POINTS PER GAME than Marqise Lee
- Name is worth TWENTY SIX points in Scrabble without LETTER OR WORD MULTIPLIERS
- LOVES his GRANDMOM
- Would be FIRST Heisman winner named JOHN
- SINGLEHANDEDLY BEAT Rutgers AND Cincinnati
- MORE 2012 KICKOFF YARDS than Blake Bortles had passing yards
- Holds Wallace FAMILY RECORD for MOST CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS WEARING HIS RETAINER LIKE DR. MITCHELSON ASKED

John Wallace. A Kicker. A Leader. A Winner.

JIMBO FISHER'S QUANTUM PLAYBOOK

2013-05-20T18:38:55Z

E.J. Manuel claims Buffalo's NFL playbook is simpler than the one he worked with at Florida State. It should be, according to guest commenter Jamarcus Russell, who in one reality explains how Jimbo Fisher tutelage turned him into the most successful and least successful player in an infinite number of varied universes of possibility.

I am Jamarcus Russell. I am 27 years old. I am also 17, and 38.

In your world I am a laughing stock. In another I have won three Super Bowls already. In still another I left football to become a fisherman. I am quite happy in that reality, I'm told by that other me, who is me, 42, and trim with a flowing neckbeard and a Vietnamese wife I love very much. We fish on the coast of Alabama. The sun sets behind the oil rigs; each ray splinters through the metal frames of the platforms. Each ray chooses its own path. Their energies live forever, and are never destroyed, but instead transformed.

You are talking to that man, and all of them, at once.

There was at one point one Jamarcus Russell. He entered the Jimbo Fisher offense on this play.

"You made a nice throw on this play, Jamarcus," he said, writing on the whiteboard.

"Sir, I've...I've never seen that play before." That Jamarcus had just reported to camp and settled into the dorms at LSU. He had, to his knowledge, never seen the play before, or even been coached for a single down by Jimbo Fisher.

"You have, Jamarcus. You've both thrown this play and already not thrown it. This play is every play. This play is no play at all. Our offense is multiple, Jamarcus. Are you aware of what that means, Jamarcus? Truly aware?"

I was not.

"Jamarcus, every single action creates reality. Every last single one of them. With each single twitch of the finger, you redefine reality. What'd you have for lunch, son?"

"I had a ham sandwich, sir. Some chips, too."

"Somewhere, there was another Jamarcus Russell who had a salad. And then another the next day, and the other, and somewhere yet another Jamarcus who continued doing this until he was a lean, mean killing machine of a football player. He's already out there somewhere, Jamarcus. You see what I'm saying?"

"No."

"Well...lemme just say this. What's the best thing an offense can be? Multiple, that's what. And what's the most multiple thing in the world? Everything, that's what. And what's the most inclusive view of everything?

"I dunno."

"Simple: the quantum playbook. Every play is your base play. Every pass route ends with every outcome. Every audible is on; every protection has been made, countered, and made again. Take the Z receiver here. He's running a post route, right?"

"Yeah, coach."

"Sure he is. But what if the middle of the field ain't open? Well, here's what could happen. He can turn that route upfield."

"Okay."

"And then turn into this."

"That'll freak 'em out, right?"

"Sure would, coach."

"Then he's running full speed towards the wall, right?"

"Yessir."

"What's he gonna do, Jamarcus? Is he just gonna keep going and hit that durned ol' wall at 20 miles per hour? No sir, he's gonna duck through a wormhole just at the last second."

"A wha--"

"He'll find hisself on a mysterious train in a mythical island filled with riddles."

"Is that a touchdown, coach?"

"No, but it's fuckin' fascinating, that's what it is. You know what ain't on that mystic island of riddles?"

"What, coach?"

"A physical defensive back stiffing him at the line of scrimmage, that's what. Wide open all day and behind the defense to an extent they can't possibly comprehend. Who else runs THAT route, huh? That's the point, son: we're every offense at once, except in one place."

"That sounds confusing, coach."

"In certain realities it is, sure. But you'll get it, or you won't. It'll work out either way."

He was right. I went on that season to win ten games, and five, and also go undefeated. I was drafted by the Colts, the Chargers, and the Raiders. (The Raiders one was funny, and also not.) I left football, and stayed in, and did both, and also became a noted reality show star in Venezuela after three seasons in the league. JImbo was right: I was all things at once in the Jimbo Fisher offense: failure, success, mystery, plain fact, given, enigma, bot, human, ignominy, heroism, shame, and triumph.

The only defense for it, ultimately, was itself. On any night, it was all things, but ultimately had to walk the path between one choice and another. Those sunbeams had to split. E.J. Manuel never understood that on the night they lost to NC State, somewhere, just through the 3.4 centimeters of quantum matter separating us from the next plane of existence, he was in fact winning that same game, yet differently. His choice would be his, and would always be his unless he went to a black hole where time, space, light, and energy converge at an infinitely dense point from which there is no exit, no other side.

He went to Buffalo. That is the same thing, I'm told, at least according to those who know the universe's playbook better than we do.

P.S. There's a timeline where Jeff Bowden took over after Bobby retired. Florida State has two championships there. In basketball. Also that Earth is ruled by OwlLords.

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 05/20/13

2013-05-20T13:22:19Z

MIKE GUNDY'S CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE. It's a terrible book series, because a third of the pages are ripped out and Coach Gundy himself slaps the book out of your hand if you make a choice he finds unsatisfactory. Turn to page 78 if you want to transfer to Washingt(SLAP). Of course, it could be worse.

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING LET IT GO. See, this is how transfers SHOULD work. Rich Rod lets you depart for another school, even one within the same conference, and then once you're gone you realize how much you miss his gentle singing voice and transfer back. The power of Groban is not to be denied.

IT'S THE OFFSEASON SO LET'S GET MAD FOR NO REASON. Viewpoint A: Gene Smith pointed out what everyone pretty much knows - intercollegiate athletics is an arms race and you're better off not aspiring to ICBM Dreamz if you've got trebuchet cash. Viewpoint B: Gene Smith is a hater and an idiot and Iowa State is better off without him. Viewpoint C: TATTOOS PASS INTERFERENCE RIGGED RAFFLE GATOR BOWL SUCKEYE SEC.

SUN FOR THE SUN GOD. The new Sun Belt logo does not look like a robot's sphincter. The new Sun Belt logo does not look like a robot's sphincter. The new Sun Belt logo does not look like a robot's sphincter.

MICHIGAN WEEK IS OVER. We thank the Wolverines again for their largesse and remind them that we will always be haters first.

ETC. IN THE A IN THE A IN THE A IN THE A. See, MMA isn't JUST sweaty dick punching. Great, now Putin's gotta go see what the warranty policy is on gerbils. Your body is a (gross and disgusting) wonderland.

THE REAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL SATAN: ODDS

2013-05-17T18:02:53Z

Napa Know How Guy: 2/1

Bill the Goat: 3/1 Already has horns and rectangular pupils.

Johnny Manziel: 4/1 This is actually more reason why you should respect his Heisman season, because it's a lot of work to be a first string quarterback AND stay eligible academically AND give Clay Travis writing prompts.

Bill Hancock: 5/1 Despite previous rejections of Satan/his works/his empty promises, Hancock would consider taking the position if the money's right.

Bret Bielema: 8/1 He's big and red. Sort of a South Park Satan in appearance and demeanor. Example: if you don't think Bielema's used a dangly rubber dildo as a pointer in meetings, then you clearly don't understand Bret Bielema.

Nick Saban: 9/1 Formerly "the most beautiful of all angels in heaven" per Milton?

Perhaps Saban only shows He's a strong candidate, however, for this reason: only Satan would consider hanging around Alabama that long to be a comfortable or advisable thing.

3rd and five: 11/1 Nobody converted on this down and distance last year. Run and you came up short. Pass and you didn't complete the throw. (This isn't true, or is it? Such are the obfuscations of Satan.)

Jon Gruden: 13/1 Before God cast him out, he thought him beautiful. Then, he made him live in a dark room in Tampa, and forbade him sleep. (And made him watch the NFL for a living.)

Brent Musburger: 18/1 Survived years with Jimmy the Greek, and made a substantial contribution to Cars 2.

The Sun Bowl: 20/1 If God's the oldest thing in the world, and the Rose Bowl is the God of Bowls, then what is the second oldest, aka Satan himself? THE SUN BOWL, the Grand-uncle of them all, nestled right there amidst the waterless rocks and devilish heat of the flatpan torturescape of near-Juarez. Also: sponsored by Brut for a while there, which is sort of evil (though not necessarily Satanic.) Argument contra: Lane Kiffin lost in this game to Georgia Tech last season, which is at least a suburn of some kind of heaven.

Hugh Freeze: 24/1 Satan is described as being the coldest of all in The Inferno. Additional evidence: had something to do with Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar.

Bill Snyder: 30/1 More likely to be a golfing buddy of Satan, or maybe Satan's dad, but still in the running. Likes Pinocchio to an unnatural degree, and that's more than enough to put you under some suspicion. Have you ever seen what he'll do to an FCS team when no one's looking? Or to Kansas, when only Kansas State fans are looking? COMPLETELY SATANIC.

Lane Kiffin: 30/1 The 70s were a different time. People had some weird ideas about birth control, like "she can't get pregnant if a Selmon brother's in the room." The Devil regrets not being better informed at the time.

Steve Spurrier: 75/1 Being Satan's cousin means there's almost no chance he's also Satan himself.

Mark May: 80/1. Already kicked out of Hell for his "shitty attitude" according to the e-mail we received.

Charlie Weis: 200/1 Yes, Satan and Charlie Weis are both self-important. But Satan has powers, and Charlie Weis only thinks he does. (Also Satan could have scored more than 6 points on Gene Chizik.)

Sean McEvilly: 500/1

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/17/2013

2013-05-17T14:43:40Z

DECENT PLAY-FAKE. Terrible, risky throw, though, but that's what you get when you have a gunslinger doing gunslingery things.

Roll jugglin' a TD troll job Tide.

THE MIGRATION IS HERE AND NOW PAUL JOHNSON IS COVERED IN ANGRY GEESE. Georgia Tech's recruiting photoshops are pure madness, but they did lead to this, so it's not all the lowest and most random application of meme'in let loose on the internet:

I am just going to go ahead and repurpose this Photoshop: i.imgur.com/BkmvYts.jpg. #themigration
— THE KEY PLAY (@thekeyplay) May 17, 2013

#TheMigration is using the weather as a selling point for Georgia Tech, which is something Georgia totally can't do because Athens is constantly under a cloud layer raining blood hail on the campus at all times. That's science because Georgia Tech does science, and don't argue with it, recruit.

KIRK HILL AND JERRY FERENTZ. Both equally disturbing, though Jerry Ferentz is way, way more pedostache-y.

IT WILL DRIVE YOU TO INSANITY. When you're one of the 58 people who really, really care about Boston College football, and have been through the recent history of Boston College football, you will start to see things in everyday objects that might not exist at all.

NOTRE DAME WILL CONTINUE TO PLAY FOOTBALL. And they should be pretty good at it in 2013, too.

ETC: Tommy Tomlinson on Dick Trickle, who shot himself yesterday at the age of 71. Boomer just makes you feel so relaxed like you're talking to a buddy at the sports bar. Hey, the NFL still employs someone who doesn't consider concussions to be a serious injury.

SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE RON ENGLISH SIXTY GRAND

2013-05-16T20:45:56Z

Eastern Michigan needs money, and self-described "rapacious bird" and EMU head coachRon English is going to make this happen even if he has to throw himself out of a plane and take him with you to make it happen.

We have questions and thoughts:

1. Ron English needs sixty grand for facilities. This is something most college fans understand, but the first thing he mentions is re-tiling the bathroom. Never mention something involving large sums of money, and then mention a task capable of being performed in cooperation with your local Lowe's home care expert. "I need a large sum of money for, um...groceries. Yeah. Like eggs and shit."

2. Ron English says the words "sixty thousand dollars" like he's saying "ONE GORILLION DOLLARS." And for a MAC team, this really is well over one gorillion dollars. We're also a little anxious over the hard sell of going to dinner, Ron. We're fine with friendly dinner, but this belle in a hoopskirt ain't turning into a tulip in bloom for anyone on the first date.

3. Alternative theory: Ron English is building the world's first bathroom that is also a weight room. SQUAT WHILE YOU SQUAT, MACsters.

4. English, like David Letterman and Michael Strahan, embraces his tooth-gap. Respect. It's a brand, and it's one you have to work, dammit.

5. Their fundraising page announces EMU as "the Michigan MAC Champions." Every MAC team in Michigan finished at 1-1 in 2012. Central beat Eastern and lost to Western: Western beat Central and lost to Eastern; and finally, Eastern beat Western, but lost to Central. In the "Michigan MAC," it is middle school field day forever. You truly are all champions. The math says so right here.

6. Someone please steal one of those bags filled with $60,000 just laying around a Big Ten administrator or SEC recruiter's office, and give it to Ron English before he kills himself wingsuiting to get Eastern Michigan a new pair of goalposts.

HAIRSWAPS: RIVALRY EDITION

2013-05-16T15:59:13Z

Yesterday. 10:00 a.m. or so.

Freek: Mornin boss

EDSBS: Mornin. Site's fucked. Like, maybe forever.

Freek: you gonna kill yourself

EDSBS: maybe. or maybe we can just make some hairswaps because there's nothing else to do

Freek: on it. theme?

EDSBS: rivalries would work.

Freek: gimme a sec

Freek makes all of these in 15 minutes.

Charlie Weis looks like the Skipper from Gilligan's Island. If Butch Jones wants to know what he's going to look like in 30 years, well: you're going to look exactly like Bill Snyder with Charlie Weis' haircut, that's what.

Whittingham with blonde hair becomes Ron Gruden, Jon's sketchy younger brother who runs a payday loans business and has a boat he can't afford.

This really doesn't change much, though the upgrade in Rich Rod's used car dealer rating is proof that putting a little bit of Todd Graham on anything makes said thing instantly 100% more hucksterish-looking.

There is no describing what happens to Bob Stoops here outside of saying that he looks like a Central Asian televangelist. We don't even know what that means, but it's as close as we could get without invoking the terrible words "Tom Hammond."

Paul Chryst has utterly lost his shit here.

Lane Kiffin: the surliest Mr. Potato Head ever. Shaw, meanwhile, is raving about how his hair looks so realistic he can dive into a pool without anyone suspecting the truth about his new coiffure.

SENATOR HOKE (ca. somewhere in 1938 America.) Antibiotics haven't been able to kill whatever is growing on the Ohio State coach's head yet, but debridement and skin grafts have managed to keep it at bay.

Never really noticed how Mark Richt has a Giant Atlas Moth on the crown of his head, but now that we have we will never unsee it.

Not that Gus Malzahn doesn't already look enough like an amnestied, brilliant, and slightly terrifying Nazi rocket scientist quietly working in the hills surrounding Huntsville, but yes: give him Nick Saban's hair, and he now has a fully functional V-2 just sitting in his garage. Nick Saban is so much a part of his own system that even switched hairstyles begin to look like he had them all along.

Mark May: surly lunchlady. He worked hard on that Turkey Tetrazzini. YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BASTARDS DON'T KNOW HOW HARD MARK MAY WORKS TO FEED YOU EVERY DAY.

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/16/2013

2013-05-16T14:52:00Z

STUMBLING TO LIFE HERE. In case you didn't notice--and if you tried to access the site consistently in the last 24 hours, you did--the site spat up oil, lurched to the side of the road, and caught fire sometime around 9:00 a.m. yesterday. This is because of a hardware failure not just with EDSBS, but with the SB Nation servers, a malfunction that like every other literal mechanical malfunction caused a chain reaction down the line. Chaos ensued, and the engineers and dev team have spent the last day trying to unfuck what was randomly fucked by one server stack going bonkers. Servers: they're like nuclear power in that they're reliable until they ain't, and then you better run for the hills scrubbing yourself to get all that nasty plutonium dust off.

This should all continue to hiccup out over the next few hours or so, so thank you for your patience.

WHOO-HAAAAAHHH. No, we do not make a big enough deal out of Oklahoma once having a wide receiver named "Buster Rhymes," or respect his response to a snowball fight started by Brian Bosworth enough. His response was firing back an Uzi. Put your hands where my eyes can see, indeed, sir.

HEY BUTTHORN WHAT IS THIS OH HIGH SCHOOL YEAH RIGHT-- The idea of Lane Kiffin working with high schoolers is a delight the mind may snack on for three, perhaps four minutes of pure pleasure. "I'LL CUT YOU AND shit yeah just run that again pure eyes full farts can't lose or something mumble mumble--"

AT 22 YOU PROBABLY WERE NOT THE OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR OF YOUR OWN LIFE. The NCAA's best offense period in 2012 was run by a 22 year old who will be running an FBS team's offense in like, fifteen minutes.

BUT YEAH ABOUT TORADOL. Penn State is defending itself against SI's big piece on its medical staff, but what we'd like to point out is schools still using Toradol as a pregame painkiller without saying, hey, that's nasty-ass Toradol.

ETC: Cormac McCarthy's lookin' swole. Hot ham 'n cheese with the freshest jamz.