Am I now the girl you always wanted, Mommy? AM I NOW?

There is a little bit of news this otherwise eventless Friday afternoon. Mike Leach's wrongful lawsuit against Texas Tech was dismissed in Texas, ending just one pointy end of Leach's many pronged-legal trident thrown at his former employer, ESPN, and Craig James. Leach's angry gorilla attorneys will have to find a way around Texas' "sovereign immunity" clause concerning litigation against state entities, and that will be difficult given the nature of any "sovereign" claim in a legal code.

Important note: Texas "sovereign immunity" claim is totally fine with us as long as Texas has an actual king. That king should be Willie Nelson, Bun B, Al Jourgensen. The Vice-Chancellor who secretly runs everything will be Robert Earl Keen. Your choice, Texas.

There's also this: next week, Run Home Jack and ourselves will be hosting an all-too extensive discussion of the classic film The Program. It is not the finest film about college football ever made, but it is our favorite, and the distinction between the two should be made very clear. It is not that we believe the moment that Andrew Bryniarski, playing the trouble Steve Lattimer, runs his head through a car window is the finest acting ever done. It's that we know it is. The Program is the finest movie ever made, and there will be no objections to the contrary.

Please enjoy your weekend, and attack it with the zeal of Alvin Mack reviewing film assignments.

Coach Winters: Alright, this is Mississippi State's offensive set. Second and two on our own 24, what defensive set might we call?

Alvin Mack: Eagle Zipper Hero, unless the setback shifts into the I.

Coach Winters: Good [clicks to next slide]

Coach Winters: , third and seven?

Alvin Mack: Oakie Thunder Lion.

Coach Winters: What's your assignment?

Alvin Mack: Kill the quarterback.

Coach Winters: [clicks to next slide]

Alvin Mack: Hit the tight end so hard his girlfriend dies.

Coach Winters: [clicks to next slide]

Alvin Mack: Kill everybody.

Kill everybody. Have a good weekend. And by all means, earn that place at the table.

Karl Benson left the WAC this past week to become new commissioner of the Sun Belt. Most saw this as a clear indication of the WAC's failing health, and that the conference is years or possibly even months from being cannibalized out of existence. The primary suspect would be the Conference-USA/Mountain West amalgam. It is the one sitting in the corner smacking its lips and salting the WAC's arm in between test nibbles, and isn't even trying to be subtle.

Benson's new tiny universe, the Sun Belt, is giving the universe hope. They are open to expansion, per Benson, and at ten teams would need two to get to a handy twelve.

[whooshing sound of cosmic fire]

The twelve team conference with two divisions would allow the conference to have a championship game. Those two teams could in theory come from the Big East. This would not be popular with those teams, nor their fans or administrators, and would make little sense in terms of football revenue, but it could still theoretically happen.

[Japanese words spoken over sparkly music. light appears on horizon. cartoon dandelions appear everywhere, falling from the sky like adorable cluster bombs.]

If they did, then one dream would still be alive. The Big East and the Sun Belt, combining forces at last, and fulfilling the prophecy of--

[TRAILING GLORY ACROSS THE SKY IT ARRIVES]

---THE SUNBEAST CONFERENCE.

History is in your hands, Karl Benson. Don't drop it before it has a chance to catch fire and turn college football upside down. #SUNBEAST4LYFE

THAT IS A VIOLENT FRUIT. VEGETABLE. WHATEVER. Delta State, home of the Fightin' Okra, show the proper method for explaining how you explain having a fruit/vegetable/unclassifiable plant matter as your mascot. Answer: YOU DON'T.

Well-executed play there, Delta State. Just try pulling that shit at Ohio State, brah. They're all waiting for the call for walk-ons, and we are not exaggerating, since the reason everyone at OSU wears jerseys is the widespread belief that, like ancient Spartans, any one of them could be called into combat duty at any second. They will deny thinking this if you ask them about it. That is how you know they are lying.

CALLING THOSE AFOREMENTIONED WALKONS. We're going to write a bit more about the horrors of undersigning later, but one specific detail about undersigning's damage to collegiate athletics? The dilution of athletic talent by the filthy hoi-polloi of walk-ons. Ahem:

Dear [student name], UF students interested in walking on to the Gator Football team, please visit the Florida football office at 4:45 on Friday, February 17th. The football office is located on the second floor of the stadium on the West side. Please enter the football office via the Bill Heavener Football Complex entrance (located on the corner of Gale Lemerand Drive and Stadium Road). If you have any questions please contact the Football office by email footballmail@gators.ufl.edu or by phone 352.375.4683 x4100. Thank You and Go Gators!

Scholarship athletes of Florida, protest this appeasement of the looter class at once! Don't go Galt, though. That's strictly the province of Maryland players under Randy Edsall, and you really don't want to bite the political stylings of the ACC.

A.C. LEONARD IS SUSPENDED, BUT NOT GONE. Will Muschamp suspended him indefinitely, so he could in theory return to the team. How this will happen when the testimony in the case has Leonard dragging a woman out of an apartment by her hair is difficult to reconcile with "giving a shit about things your players do," but maybe she was actually a giant and very hostile possum, and this is all a horrendous misunderstanding! (Probably not!)

ALABAMA IS CUTCO KNIVES. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE. HELLO RECRUIT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CRIMSON TIDE.

PLAYING LSU 18 TIMES IN 18 YEARS AND ALABAMA JUST THREE WOULD BE PERFECT. Bill C's answer to the SEC recruiting jam is simple: eliminate the rivalries without any real significance, and protect the good ones with a ferocity. Hello again, Florida/LSU and Alabama/Tennessee; goodbye, Vandy/Ole Miss and Arkansas/South Carolina. Bill's setup also keeps the SEC's oldest rivalry, Auburn/UGA, alive. So easy, bros. DUHHH.

LOUISIANA STATE IS VERY POPULAR IN THE REPUBLIC OF CHINA. It's not the knockoff Adidas shirts we saw that had the word "airport" on them, but they're close.

A LETTER TO THE PARTNERSHIP AT THE END OF THE WORLD. If the Classical were going to write about college football, well, of course it would be about the impending Mountin' USA conference.

ETC: House of Sparky does the "this thing is like this thing," but it's done well so applause all around. Martin Amis wrote a book about Space Invaders, and is deeply ashamed of it. Slobber-worthy recruiting video well sure. Anthony Shadid, Packers fan and foreign correspondent, died yesterday of an asthma attack. He was very good at both things, and will be missed. The Daily Show pretty much ends any discussion on Jeremy Lin from this point out.

[click to embiggen. Via @SEC_Chuck )

SABAN: "Uncle Elbert never went to school like the others. He got a bath when we could track him down. That wasn't often; he was fast as us, and took off into the woods through briars that cut us to ribbons. We didn't have his thick wild hobo skin, nor the touched brain that made this seem like a reasonable way to spend days. He was handsome when we cleaned him up. Real handsome."

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Darren Rovell,Sports Business Reporter for CNBC and Twitter personality, was on Twitter before it even existed.* A sample of the most important moments from his extremely historically accurate and somewhat humanity-deficient archives.

*No he wasn't.

NEW YORK, 1939

"Modell's reports Ellsworth Dahlgren jersey sales sluggish."

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BY LAW HE MUST ATTEND SOUTH CAROLINA, AND SOUTH CAROLINA MUST OFFER HIM A SCHOLARSHIP.

You like how you start laughing at the name, and then the pic is like OH NO NOT LAUGHING AT YOU, 6'4" 270 LB MANCHILD. NOPE. IT'S COOL, BRO. In case you don't get the menace, here's a picture of him with his friend Steve. You go ahead and laugh at that name. You go right ahead, meat. (Via SBN Recruiting.)

THAT WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED. We were really looking forward to having two tight ends this fall, but AC Leonard's lack of conflict resolution skills may have just ended that sweet hallucination of potential Ace 2-tight beauty. We don't know the circumstances, of course, and reports are preliminary, but we're sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for a 260 lb tight end getting into a fight with a woman.*

*NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE

OMG THE THREE PEOPLE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS ARE PROBABLY MAD ABOUT THE KIDS AND THE LIBERALS/CONSERVATIVES AND THAT STOP SIGN WE DON'T NEED ON THE PUBLIC ROAD. Tee Martin, by all accounts a rising talent as a recruiter who also happens to be the only quarterback in modern Tennessee history with a national title, is now coaching for Lane Kiffin because labor markets in a fluid capitalist economy mean one can change jobs at will. The real point of this post is that Duchess Peyton Manning never won a national title at Tennessee, and that Tee Martin, Al Wilson, and the immortal Raynoch Thompson did, and also that Tennessee fans are boot-licking peasants. (This is the point of many posts here.)

THE DELIGHTFULLY SIMPLE NUMBERS GAME THAT CAN GIVE YOU A NATIONAL TITLE. All you need is a quarterback who can make bad math for a defense. This is a review for any of you who've watched a spread option roaring along at full speed, but it's good breakdown nonetheless save for the omission of the detail that Urban Meyer secretly hates every running back he's ever met, and will never be happy with any of them ever.

WHAT A DEAL. Of course you'd pay $350 for a slice of Mountain West history! Or not!

MONTEL HARRIS IS CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF. And that is delightful for Boston College, because their quarterback is a hat rack with a special attachment for holding a football.

BO LAB. Boy, does this Catlab production take a graphic turn halfway through the video. You have been warned.