Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Florida State at North Carolina. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, the chance for you to listen to Chris Fowler unleash his happy self on a broadcast as an underrated and exuberant play-by-play man before he has to return to the set to baby sit Captain Handsomepants and Grampa Stammers (DON’T LOOK AT US LIKE THAT HE WAS STAMMER-Y BEFORE THE STROKE.)

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. To properly illustrate the duel we have going on here, pardon a digression into the past of a geek: the Marvel Superheroes Advanced Game.

Marvel Superheroes was an idea time-killer for the ADD set because it didn’t require you to build characters, scream “lightning bolt!” while you hurled a 20-sided die, or do anything else that required work or possible contamination from the tights-wearing ren-fair crowd. No, what you could do was pick three cards at random, and put your characters down on a board representing a city block, and then start wrecking some virtual shit. I try to rip the Hulk’s balls off with my mind. That’s the proper way to have fun with Professor X, Hollywood screenwriters. Take note, and cash us our 10% royalty check when the movie’s made.

The parallels with FSU and UNC follow forthwith: more often than not, we picked our players at random. (more…)

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Nebraska at Misouri. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game–the real beginning of your scheduled weekend leisure units, worker #383929–and the five factors determining victory with absolute scientific certainty…certainty that the Factor Five will predict victory in the other direction. Or not, as evidenced by the Factor Five’s 3-2 record this year, either a sign the randomness is becoming even randomness, or the Factor Five is about to go on a strong streak of breaking counterintuitively correct.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity.

Nebraska offers little data to speak of in the direction of solid numbers thanks to games against Arkansas State, Florida Atlantic, University of Louisiana-Lafayette, and one sluggo matchup versus Virginia Tech. The matchup against Virginia Tech exposed Nebraska as being subject to random passes from scrambling quarterbacks somehow finding scrambling receivers in the endzone, a weakness shared by every other team in Division One football. The other salient factoid from their only matchup against a quality team: Nebraska did manage to rush the ball successfully against the Hokies, going over 200 yards on the day. Mizzou has been decent against the run, but Nebraska looks more like the mudder here, even with Tigers LB Sean Weatherspoon cracking heads and singing sweet melodies from his linebacker spot. (more…)

We WILL be liveblogging this game at 7:30 p.m. Join us then and taste the chaos of an EDSBS liveblog of a middling between an inconsistent but talented team and an inconsistent and untalented team. Adventure has a thousand flavors!

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview Colorado at West Virginia. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the necessaries and completely arbitraries of the official beginning of your weekend, the Thursday Night special. This week’s special puts the “special” in Thursday Night Special, because Colorado is playing, and as part of their continued sponsorship of slow kids who like to play football, they will lose this game by a substantial margin.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Colorado’s defensive numbers, presented as one would show slides of a murder, cakewreck, or explicit slides of cheap hotel infidelity in a divorce trial: (more…)

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview Georgia Tech at Miami. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the necessaries and completely arbitraries of the official beginning of your weekend, the Thursday Night special featuring the Boys’ Club (Jesse Palmer imitations! Chris Fowler roaring with unrestrained glee! Everyone looking at Erin Andrews, and then looking away ashamedly! Craig James doing the broadcast with his finger stuck in a Diet Pepsi can, “Cause it got stuck that way, ma!”)

Georgia Tech hopes to avoid the curse of being Factor’d for the second week in a row as the Factor Five favorite, since they actually won in this spot last week and thus broke the curse of being the favored team.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For Georgia Tech, that number will be 472, or the number of yards allowed in this matchup last year by the Miami defense to Tech’s offense. Miami’s defense spent most of last year lunging at bright lights, tackling giant invisible rabbits, and laying down on the turf weeping when faced with an option play, and by the fourth quarter had given up hope altogether by allowing Lucas Cox, Tech’s geology-back, to take a leisurely continental drift up the middle for a long touchdown. Miami must not allow anything close this yardage to stay in the game, or else the Angel of Death arrives for them in the fourth quarter running a 5.2 and sending the Tech bench into gusts of laughter at a white fullback outrunning Miami LBs into the endzone. A possession back running loose in a blowout will and should do that to an audience.

For Miami, that number is ROOM 222 BAILAMOS CHICAS!!!

Apologies. A dance break was clearly in order. (more…)

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Clemson at Georgia Tech. We reintroduce the most superficial, capricious, and altogether specious preview available in college football, the Factor Five Five Factor Preview, brought to you this year by Turfman’s Products for Men. That’s Turfman’s, fine providers of essential masculine living products such as “Turfman’s Sanitary Rubberized Personal Windsocks For Intimate Moments.” When the winds of passion blow, be sure you’re protected from the elements with the responsible use of “Turfman’s Sanitary Rubberized Personal Windsocks for Intimate Moments.”

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. WILLY KORN. That had to be said before addressing any other issues here, since the invocation of Willy Korn’s name instantly generates magic. And turnovers. Did we mention turnovers, such as the fumble for six in the game against MTSU last week, or the pick he threw two plays later? Those should be mentioned, as should the zero touchdowns Clemson has scored in their last two visits to the Flats. Other numbers worth noting for Clemson: one, as in the number of CJ Spiller’s not listed on the injury chart this week: two, the number of wins Clemson had in Thursday night games in nine attempts under Tommy Bowden, and zero, the number of Tommy Bowden bitch mentalities present on the Clemson sideline this season.

For Tech, the number is three, the number of fumbles against Jacksonville State the Jackets lost thanks to all intensity evaporating for Tech after their first drive against Ryan Perriloux’s Plan B. (more…)

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of South Carolina at North Carolina State We reintroduce the most superficial, capricious, and altogether specious preview available in college football, the Factor Five Five Factor Preview, brought to you this year by Turfman’s Products for Men, fine providers of essential masculine living products such as Turfman’s Leisure Scotch for Men, the only Scotch approved by the FDA for use while biplaning, conceiving children, or simply taking the family truckster for a spin across the block. Now with convenient nipple-cap for easy sippin’.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For South Carolina, the number is 2.9 yards per carry on the ground, their average for 2008 and indication of a serious vitamin B(adass) deficiency along the line. Also five, as in five starters returning for a defense that, Florida game excepted, was passably excellent last year. The chances of that happening again are minimal, especially now that they sail without Captain Munnerlyn in the secondary.

Also, their starter is hilariously ball-insecure, threw for 6 TDs against 8 INTs last year, barely completed 50% of his passes, and has a floating Matthew McConaughey on his shoulder at all times.

For NC State, the number will be two, as in fingers sophomore Russell Wilson can see when you hold them up in front of his face. (more…)

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Miami at Georgia Tech A game where a Georgia Tech team beset by injury faces a young and talented Miami team rounding into form at just the right team. Tech would stand no chance in this game save for two factors:

a.) This is the ACC.
b.) The low tonight will be 31 degrees, and Miami dudes don’t like that shit.

The cold is just making us meaner, asshole.

Oh, and the five factors, which really decide who’s going to win this game, after all.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. 28.4 points a game, a shocking average for Miami, who we assumed scored points on the Tuberville scale of safeties, coupons, and 54 yard field goals at the gun to end games. For all the bitching about Robert Marve and Patrick Nix’s playcalling, they are third in the ACC in scoring. Whether that’s a triumph of talent over design is a question for the post-season (YES YES THEY COULD BE SCORING NINETYBILLION POINTS WITH SOMEONE ELSE)–what?

The Nebulous State of Dubious Statistical Validity for Tech: 40, or the number of missed assignments for the Tech offense according to the coaching staff. In a system as simple as the Nerdbone, precision counts twice as much as in other systems, and Tech probably won’t be that disjointed against the Hurricanes.

Advantage: Miami, because Tech takes soooo long to score.

Miami, You’ve been factor’d!

Category Two: Mascot: We went to the Duke/Tech game a few weeks ago. (more…)

This here be yr thread for congregatin’ and bloviatin’, HokieCane-steezy.  A scant preview:

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity.

VT:  6-3, 3-2 conference.  MIA: 6-3, 3-2 conference. Advantage: Eh?

Category Two: Mascot.

Advantage: Miami.  It’s a fucking hurricane.

Like a doll’s eyes.

Miami, you’ve been factor’d!

Category Three: Aura.

No Metallica entrance here, not that the Hokies deserve such awesomesauce this year. Advantage: Miami.

Miami, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Four: Names.

VT:  Jahre Cheeseman, Alonzo Tweedy,  Germond Oatneal.  Very Upstairs/Downstairs of you, sirs.  Miami: Cannon Smith (yes, of course he’s a quarterback),     Harland Gunn, which sounds like a Raymond Chandler character if Raymond Chandler wrote about O-linemen.  Advantage: VT, but it’s close.

Virginia Tech, You’ve been factor’d!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness?

Miami’s lost two in a row and four of the last five.

Miami, you’ve been factor’d!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 2-2, which we’re calling for Miami owing to VT currently fielding a potted plant at quarterback. Please place your bets for the Hokies accordingly.  Bonsoir, boys.

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Clemson at Wake Forest. No matter how this happens, this game is conveniently prepackaged to reinforce of any your chosen prejudices about the ACC. Close game? Shitty ACC offenses! Blowout? Further proof that [insert losing coach] is an overrated paycheck-stealing stuffed shirt! Shootout? See how inconsistent this conference is!

It’s an Escher drawing no matter how you look at it: inscrutable, meaningless, and will likely give you a headache. It’s also on tonight, meaning you will watch it.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Well, gakked straight from the Clemson Football team’s website comes this extraordinarily interesting tidbit:

Clemson owns 56 wins over Wake Forest in history, its second highest victory total over any opponent. Clemson has 63 wins over South Carolina.

Gamecocks fans, you’re welcome. Over the past five years Clemson has gone 3-2 against Wake, including a 1-2 record against them at BB&T Field, officially the most antiseptic name of any stadium in the known college universe. If they try to bully the Wakesters around tonight at home, they might find themselves overdrawn with no chance for bailout! Topical humor! Get Leno on the phone he’s gonna LOVE this one!

The Nebulous State of Dubious Statistical Validity for Wake Forest: Six, the number of turnovers Wake had two weeks ago against Navy, and an aberration that still left them with the fifth best TO margin in the nation. Grobe sexy, that is, as is a defense that can be devilishly hard to read at times thanks to the Demon Deacons continued use of zone blitzes, fancy binders for their book reports, really nice business cards, and every other possible little edge they care to take in the effort to remain competitive at their size. They have a credit for 42 cents at this casino, and they’d like to use it.

Advantage: Wake Forest, thanks to Clemson being generous with the ball. (79th in the nation in TO margin.)

: Wake Forest: You’ve been factor’d!

Category Two: Mascot:

You can’t tell, right you can’t tell right COOOL that’s good lemme tell you how we’re gonna do this we’re gonna put on some music and call my friends and we’re just gonna rage that’s right we’re gonna RAGE and if we have to we have Steve’s number and we’ll just call him and get some more hey have you seen Underworld it’s unreal vampires are awesome I feel so STRONG on this shit is my nose bleeding OH SHIT MY NOSE IS BLEEDING

Advantage: Clemson.

Clemson, you’ve been factor’d!

Category Three: Aura. Clemson really, really needs this game to maintain some semblance of competitive edge in the ACC. Even factoring in the powerful Tommy Bowden Bitch Mentality, this means they should, according to the script, begin their comeback toward an 8 win season, forcing Clemson to embrace the meh and re-up with Bowden, who will dampen expectations, then succeed beyond them, and thus prolonging Clemson’s turn on the Wheel of Life with Bobby Bowden and keeping them from a hypothetical trip to coaching nirvana.

Advantage: Clemson.

Clemson, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Four: Names. Wake Forest has a guy named “Junior Petit-Jean”, which loosely translates to “Little John, Jr.” Aw, look! He has his own pimp cup!

Advantage: Wake Forest

Wake Forest, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Wake Forest are far too tasteful to hold grudges. Rather, they shall pip away and give one for the Black and Yellow, yes they will! Clemson, meanwhile, beat them 41-10 last year, so grudgery doesn’t really apply here, but again: they really, really need this game.

Clemson, you’ve been factor’d!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: Clemson, You’ve Been Factor’d! Reminder: THIS MEANS BET ON THE OTHER TEAM.

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Louisiana Tech versus Boise State. The historical rivalry continues. Remember, men died in this rivalry, grown ones with children and beards, so respect this rivalry for what it is: a cross-country WAC showdown between two teams who’ve sort of kinda hated each other since July 1, 2001. Don’t disrespect seven years of mild distaste like we know you want to, philistine. Boise State keeps them corks poppin’.

From the Pillblogger, who helpfully watermarked that superb image.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For Boise State, it would be 100, the number of victories that a win tonight over Louisiana State would give them on the Smurf Turf, a number that won’t matter a bit if they don’t strap it on and get out there and play like their asses are on fire! [/coachspeak'd]

Another number: Kellen Moore, 7, or his rank in terms of passing efficiency nationally. (more…)