Navy @ #6 Ohio State

Terrelle Pryor IS Belle IN La Belle et la Bête. Not the Disney cartoon Beauty & the Beast, but the 1946 Cocteau version where everything is sepia-toned and miserable. (The rest of Columbus is the beast, whom la princesse charms with his gentle, caring ways and methed-up deer speed.) The Buckeyes are a three-touchdown favorite, but Navy has been popping up here and there as a trendy upset pick. This year, that’s a mistake. Niumatalolo is as wizardly as he is unpronounceable, but OSU actually looks to be fielding something on the order of a solid (no, really, for real this time) squad and Tressy has a sterling opening record. (If this were the Disney version, though, he’s so totally that matronly teapot.)

#13 Georgia @ #9 Oklahoma State

Mark Richt IS Obi-Wan Kenobi IN Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The East is down, but not out, you rebel scum. Though contractually obligated to take Georgia here, it’s not a bad bet. Even with a not-grievously-injured Zac Robinson and zippy Dez Bryant primed and ready, the Richt “We <3 U Lowered Expectations” party line is a party line for a reason. And while Okie State may not have to play the kind of frantic, tailspinny defense usually required of Big XII South squads, Georgia’s backfield woes have been unnecessarily exaggerated (even is Joe Cox is just wheezing back there and can barely lift his arm to hand off). Woe betide the rest of the SEC when they emerge from their summer cocoons, more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Nevada @ #23 Notre Dame

Jimmy Clausen IS Sonora Webster IN Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. It’s a dirty thrill a minute when you join up with Jolly Charlie’s Travelin’ Circus, but be warned — one instant you’re a diving girl in a pretty dress savoring the roar of the crowd, the next minute you remember you signed on to jump a goddamn horse off a high platform into a barrel and people paid good money to see your slender ass go through with it. Nine billionteen points later, knowing these two quarterbacks, will J-Claw be the toast of South Bend or blinded in a freak accident and reduced to learning the ways of life — and love — at the strong, silent hands of Al Carver? (In the movie. It happens in the movie.) My money’s on the other baby ostrich signal-caller, EDSBS favorite Colin Kaepernick. (Programming note: Just for giggles, I’ll be picking against the Irish for the entirety of the season, even when I don’t think they deserve it, just to see how long it takes for this one Y! commenter of mine to plant a bomb in my car. I explain this here because y’all have a singular ability, unparalleled anywhere else on God’s green internet, to take a joke with good cheer, and because Harrison Smith and Golden Tate are still my boys no matter the jersey colors. Although, for rills, we really think they might get outgamed tomorrow.)

Baylor @ Wake Forest

Robert Griffin IS Tom Waits IN Coffee and Cigarettes. ZOMG ROBERT GRIFFIN IS ON OUR SCREEN THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING SWEET…and then five minutes later we have absolutely no clue what just happened, only that this is supposed to be awesome because everyone we know keeps telling us so. (Actually, as the only player on either team worthy of any affection we’d cast Griffin as RZA, GZA, and Bill Ghostbustin-Ass Murray in the only memorable sequence of the bunch.) Like, you know you’re supposed to watch this because this is material you’re supposed to care about, but around the 40-minute mark you start to get low on oxygen.

This is the college football equivalent of “Delirium”, and Wake might as well get their disappointing asses out of the way early.

Missouri vs. Illinois

Juice Williams IS Inspector Thompson IN Gosford Park. Bumbling but jovial, in charge but out of clues. The case won’t get solved but an amiable solution will be arrived at, thanks in no part to our dear Inspector. Williams absolutely baffles my other internet boss, whose usually steel-coated unflappability falls to pieces when trying to justify his utter conviction that Williams is a terrible quarterback with numbers that say otherwise. (Co-starring Arrelious Benn as the world-weary, put-upon copper who actually treads closest to cracking the murder mystery but whom everyone refuses to pay the slightest bit of meaningful attention.) We lost all interest in Mizzou with the departure of our favorite ready pizza joke franchise. I-L-L!

#20 BYU vs. #3 Oklahoma

The entire BYU two-deep IS Roger Thornhill IN North By Northwest. Oh-oh, mistaken identity! Someone’s got BYU mixed up with a squad that has a sliver of a snowball’s chance in hell of hanging with the Sooners. There’s a pretty wide class gap in the rankings when two ranked teams are separated by oddsmakers by a margin of over three scores. Can freshly-minted Indianapolis Colt Austin Collie be replaced? Will it even matter since Max Hall has no line to speak of thanks to injury and attrition? Can BYU afford any sort of slipup with fellow MWC upstarts Utah and TCU at their shapely heels? No, no, and nuh-hoooooo. This kind of pressure this early in the season may crack Big Game Bob Stoops, but not in Week 1.

#5 Alabama vs. #7 Virginia Tech

Tyrod Taylor IS Billy Batts IN Goodfellas. I am fondly reminded of my “because FUCK Clemson, that’s why” opening-week pick last year, which turned out to be accurate enough, but while the Hokies are overrated, they’re not that overrated, and just had the bad luck to schedule a buzzsaw on the opposite sideline for Week 1. Bama has only begun to flex its mob muscles and is hopping goddamn mad after their last appearance on a football field of any import. Virginia Tech will be shot, thrown into a trunk, stabbed, and re-shot just to make sure. Is McElroy any good? Does it matter, when it’s Julio Jones going to get the ball? CyberTyde hums in stern approval at your predetermined acquiescence, Hokie-types, and would point and nod if he had hands or a face. He’ll settle for yours.

Maryland @ #12 Cal

Chris Turner IS Carol Anne Freeling IN Poltergeist. Ignoring all manner of portentous signs that all is not what it seems, most notably last year’s bizarro match, the Turtle is the one what ought to be fearing this week. Jeff Tedford may finally be manifesting his true evil potential, largely by means of getting out of his own genius-y way, and his ire is not to be discounted in a grudge match. Also, at one point Jordan Steffy will be dragged into a bottomless pool of scummy mud-water by animated skeletons, all played by Ralph Friedgen, who is totes skinny now, did you hear huh huh?? MINI FRIDGE JOKES, HIGH FIVE!!

#8 Ole Miss @ Memphis

Dexter McCluster IS the Alien Queen IN Alien: Resurrection. The Rebels. They’ll breed. You’ll die. And with Houston Nutt at the helm it’s gonna be ugly as all get-out and hackneyed as hell. Jevan Snead is the comely Winona Ryder in this inexplicable cinematic juggernaut, and Houston Nutt is Ellen Ripley, who cannot die but who can make some rrreally gruesome mistakes. This won’t be one of them.

Colorado State @ Colorado

Darrell Scott IS Nicolas Cage IN Knowing. Will Scott spend more time in the endzone or on the training table this season? Can Dan Hawkins get to ten wins, ever? And what of the perpetual plight of being the coach’s kid and not that good at football? Who cares; (SPOILER!) the earth is about to be destroyed in fire at the end of the fourth reel, with Hawkins and a trusty stuffed rabbit its only survivors. (Buffs, then. We guess. Since we’re all gonna die anyway.)

Cincinnati @ Rutgers

Brian Kelly IS Elizabeth Bennett IN Pride & Prejudice. Or, more accurately, Keira Knightley, tabbed for stardom early on, with some out-of-nowhere indie and blockbuster successes and a sterling record, and a reputation as kind of an asshole that somehow just leaves us wanting more. (Getting crabby about having to shake Kragthorpe’s hand after beating him, on the road? TOP SCORE, Commodore.)

Miami (FL) @ #18 Florida State

Sean “The Cobra” Spence IS Corey Woods IN The Wizard. Yes, the whole thing is just a trumped-up commercial enterprise over untested or falling-apart structural work, and neither squad has stood the very late test of time, but we’ll be tuning in. Because we love The Wizard because it’s The Wizard, and we love Miami just for being them. Because Randy Shannon’s deep doe eyes make little unicorn-shaped crystals form on the walls of the black pit where our heart should be. Because fuck Florida State, that’s why.

ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.

“A little sun in the folds. That’s all I need.� Away from the sleet and the mail bombs and Clausen’s INT-to-TD ratio, on my way to a place where they deep fry whole fucking pigs for my pleasure.� That’s the ticket.”

But sometimes life…has another itinerary.

JIMMY: What are you doing here?
CHARLIE: Came here to murder you! [uncomfortably hysterical laughter]

When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons,’ and bail.�� The Hawaii Bowl. Opens Christmas Eve, 8:00 PM on ESPNs everywhere.

Shake off the cobwebs of a largely abysmal morning slate of games and strap on your fighting shoes, campers—it’s go time.� And by “go”, we mean “drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight”.

#21 Wake Forest @ Maryland

ORSON, COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. Wake Forest will win because, like Indiana Jones in a fight, they will be punched, kicked, scratched, pushed face-first into something hot, and then the improbably pull victory out at the last second with a field goal, or by a safety, or by Maryland inept’ing there way out of sure victory. Jim Grobe will lose an eye, but his one-eyed visage will be the last thing you see.

HOLLY, ALSO IRRATIONAL BUT WITH CRITTERS. Let’s see, shut out last week by Al f’ing Groh…yep, they’re due. Maryland, recipient of this week’s ACC Roundelay Enjoy It While It Lasts Because It Won’t, Last That Is Tiara. FEAR THE TURTLE.

#22 Vanderbilt @ #10 Georgia

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Matt Stafford’s at 8/3 on the year, but WOOOO SIC ‘EM YOU AIN’T WILD YOU MILD: peep that 61.3% completion percentage, a barrier enormous fetus-hating hater-types said Matthew Stafford couldn’t broach. Broach this, assfaces, because if you’re looking for a handout, der Kegmeister’s not in the handout business, and after losing to the ‘Dores in Athens two years ago, neither are the ‘Dawgs. Apah-ca-leeeeeepse, Bow. (Wow.Wow.)

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. My SEC East season fantasy since about Week 4 involved Vanderbilt going undefeated until Tennessee came to town and left with what would be the Vols’ only conference win. How wrist-slashingly appropriate that would’ve been. Thanks a fuckin’ lot, Croom. Vandy collapses big against the first weapons-grade offense they’ve faced all year.

Ole Miss @ #2 Alabama
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. HammerFight of the Week: Alabama finally plays a team that can provide them with a mansome challenge on the lines, particularly on the defensive line where Peria Jerry, Greg Hardy, and shaved bear Jerrell Powe may actually make running for the Tide a challenge, thus putting John Parker Wilson into active passing mode, and thus tilting odds toward Ole Miss enough to make this interesting. Prepare crash pads around your couch to prevent injury, as you will fall off it when the Tide pass on first down. Taaaaahhhde, but close.

Portrait: Jerrell Powe.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. Houston Nutt and his ragtag fleet knocked off Florida, sure, but a Florida team that was very much Not Themselves. I’m afraid Alabama will be quite operational when the Rebs arrive. Crimson Tide, and it won’t be pretty.

#16 Kansas @ #4 Oklahoma

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Oklahoma lost last weekend. Kansas has no run game to speak of and will attempt to mimic the surgical dissection of the zone Colt McCoy accomplished last week. This will not work two weeks in a row, because the Sooners are bent on obliteration. Get your disaster on, Kansas, because it’s coming whether you like it or not.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. Quick, what’s scarier than Oklahoma’s offense? (No, besides Texas’ defense?) A cranky Oklahoma offense still very much in the Big XII title race thanks to the Longhorns’ strength of schedule. Our sincere condolences on your impending snackification, Jayhawks.

#12 Ohio State @ #20 Michigan State

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL BUT PREJUDICIAL. They’re essentially the same team, the kind of well-disciplined, defense and field-position-oriented teams that, were they surrounded by festive fans oozing bourbon fumes, we’d celebrate in the SEC. Alas, Pam Ward calls many of your games and you play in the land of overcast suicide skies, so we dub you the Big Ten and mock your sluggish ways. The quasi-rational thing to say would be that in a push of teams, you take what you suspect to be the better defense and the team with the quarterback that could actually make something out of nothing. BUCKEYE!

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL BUT HUMANITARIAN. No matter your particular team or conference affiliation, all right-thinking American patriotic fans of the game should be pulling for the Spartans here. The USC loss was the double-shot to the chest, a mercy kill to spare the Buckeyes and a weary nation the irritation of a third straight title game massacre. They’re still hanging a little too close for comfort in the polls, though, so time to put one in the head. (So to speak, Columbus. So to speak.)

#23 Pittsburgh @ Navy

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Ride with the devil when you bet with Wannstedt: coming off an upset of South Florida and a long layoff spells “s-l-a-c-k” like nothing else, especially given the induplicable scrum of the Navy flexbone. Gouge away, Navy, and nix this sudden attack of competence the Wannstache and Pitt have going, thus restoring the universe to its proper axis.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL. Both teams have one win notched that might maybekinda mean something (Pitt over South Florida, Navy over Wake Forest). But only one of them lost to f’ing Bowling Green. The other has somehow racked up the #2 rushing game in the country. That team is Navy, and Sad Wannstache will be the order of the day.

Miami @ Duke

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Duke was absolutely muscled around the field by a larval Georgia Tech team made up of players who, though immensely talented, cannot blip around the field one-on-one like the players Miami can put two-deep at every position on the field. The pony trick with Miami is that once you remind them of this, they make unbelievably breathtaking mistakes at every turn. Oh, and Patrick Nix is their offensive coordinator, and thus expert in blunting a team’s chances no matter the situation. Duke to cover, but not to win.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL. With four ranked teams remaining on the schedule and three wins to their name, Duke needs all the help it can get as far as bowl eligibility. Picking them here because the idea of David Cutcliffe taking the Blue Devils to a bowl game while Phil Fulmer sits at home in January is morbidly delightful.

Mississippi State @ Tennessee

ORSON, IRRATIONAL.

Croomed. Learn the vocabulary of the people and speak their language when you address them. Time. Mar.Ches. ON ON ON ON.

HOLLY, SEC-RATIONAL. Appallingly similar stats aside, I think we survive this one, because Croomings fall to teams that might otherwise matter. It’s in the nature of Missy State to throw wrenches where they’ll do the most damage, so look for them to upset the Crimson Tide in November instead.

#11 Missouri @ #1 Texas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Missouri hasn’t been exposed, but they’ll have a different hole to plug this week: the porous defense not fully exploited by Oklahoma State last week. Colt McCoy carries the first half by keeping up with Chase Daniel’s pointsapalooza; the defense carries the second half when Muschamp dials in the adjustments and suffocates Daniel. Sergio Kindle is hungry for ribs, and will be dining on them in the backfield. (Meat supplied by 35 year old pizza delivery man bringing the beef.)

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL BUT WITH A REALLY GOOD POINT. Longhorns, you don’t know them very well, I know, but trust me—you don’t want to live in a world where Alabama is the top-ranked team in the country. Half of the actual state of Alabama concurs. Don’t fuck this up for the rest of us.

#13 LSU @ South Carolina

ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL ELL-ESS-YOUUUUU, mostly because Les Miles will start with an onside kick EVEN IF LSU RECEIVES. How this can happen, we don’t know, but he’ll find a way.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL. Picking South Carolina to knock off LSU solely because Garcia’s slated to start would be just crazy, right? Crazy like an SEC school with a perennially drunken fanbase that employs a live tiger as a mascot!

That’s just lazy, and maddeningly vague.�� There’s nineteen different ways this could’ve been more informative, and they went with a grand total of none of them.� “Sealed for your protection”?� “Detour ahead”?� “Not to be used as a flotation device”?

We’re here to help, after the jump:

Further suggestions welcome below.

The week’s picks, divided into the quasi-rational and nakedly irrational.

#18 Tennessee @ UCLA

SWINDLE: OPTION: QUASI-RATIONAL. Don’t consider this an endorsement of Tennessee so much as a suspicion that UCLA’s battered offensive line, JUCO starter Kevin Craft, and new offensive schemes will give Tennessee the opportunity to line up a few par 3 touchdowns thanks to turnovers. Tennessee will introduce the Clawfense, which is new itself and will feature spectacular, vurping hiccups. (Option route peekaboo: you run slant, I thought you were going the other way, we give six the other way ROCK.)

In a battle of two freshly molted offenses, though, Tennessee’s got better, less maimed tools to work with here. Our fanfiction ends with UCLA’s defense getting swamped by the offense putting them into untenable, unwinnable positions. Add in the unscoutability of the Clawfense–relatively unseen to this point–and the biggest winners of this game may be the Florida defensive coaching staff, who will have fresh gametape of Tennessee’s brand new dance.

(Oh, and because this is fanfiction, Ron Weasley is over in the corner tagging Hermione while Voldemort watches from his spank chair. That’s happening, too.)

HOLLY: RATIONAL/BLATANT HOMERISM Tut tut, looks like rain. Tennessee: New QB with mileage comparable to an Oldsmobile Alero never driven anywhere except to church on Sundays by your great-great-aunt. A new offense that center Josh McNeil describes as “really complicated”. (Josh McNeil, you will recall, is not dumb.) And somehow…are those…safeties? In orange?? UCLA: Three-fourths of a working quarterback, combined, a set of Norm Chow schemes that will take weeks, if not a season to hone, and not one player with a prayer of running past our D-line. Advantage: Vawls.

Kentucky @ Louisville

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL Snack-sized Tony Dixon has a massive game, Kentucky wins, and Steve Kragthorpe adjusts ballcap, stares impassively towards godless, unforgiving sky. Dicky Lyons had a dream he had to fight his fiancee to the death, and when he woke up, he thought that she was still a better contest than the challenge of beating Louisville’s secondary, who made Florida’s look “almost competent” in comparison last year.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL-ISH Mildcats, per conference bias and Randy Sanders turning out to be an all-right quarterbacks coach. Where’d he pick that up?

#20 Illinois @ #6 Missouri

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL: Missouri. Outside of CB Vontae Davis, Illinois’ defense took a relatively laissez-faire to defending the pass last year, and that was with a schedule whose most intimidating passer was…oh, wait! That was Chase Daniel, who hadn’t even seen the glowing orb around Jeremy Maclin indidcating he was the impact player yet when Illinois lost 40-34. llinois stayed in this game last year thanks to Missouri turnovers and still lost; at a neutral site with Daniel at qb and no Rashard Mendenhall to hog possession, Missouri wins despite Juice Williams looking better than one might think Juice Williams has a right to, frankly.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL Chase Daniel in a shootout, despite being a contemporary of Martin Van Buren, because it’s easy to win a shootout when Illinois brings knives.� To the gun fight.� See what I did there?

Michigan State @ Cal

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Cal. No one’s talking about them, they’re operating without the slightest whiff of interest from the press or rabble, and this means we are all woefully incorrect about them. Also, Dantonio didn’t start Jehuu Caulcrick, who was huge and therefore entertaining. Actions must have consequences.

HOLLY: IRRATIONAL Cal, in a squeaker that won’t speak well for the head-scratchingly competitive Pac-10.� I watched an eminently beatable Nate Longshore pick apart Tennessee a year ago; he can only have settled the fuck down.� Right?

#24 Alabama @ #9 Clemson

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Alabama. We now reach into the UNO deck and pull out the “Tommy Bowden Flip” card: what are the expectations? Massive success? Flip that, take its opposite, and you lose your turn in the process. We just think Alabama’s going to win for reasons that go no further than a bet on Clemson to come through completely on expectations is a bet for defeat.

HOLLY:� IRRATIONAL Bama.� Because fuck Clemson, that’s why.

Arkansas State @ Texas A&M

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Texas A&M. Karma for not changing their team name to “The Arkansas State Meth Lab Explosion.”

HOLLY: IRRATIONAL I’m going AK State, by virtue of them being a) a not-bad football squad that no major conference team seems to notice until the game gets uncomfortably close in the second half *ahem*, and b) being unofficially mascotted after last year’s renaming contest as The Arkansas State Hot Springs. You’d pay to see a mascot squirt boiling water at opposing student sections. You would, liar.

Florida Atlantic @ #11 Texas

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL: Texas. But not by all that much. The cognitive shortcut most people are taking here is “2007 close scare versus UCF = early season thriller versus small but feisty Florida school > ability not to take bait on upset.” Add in the ineffable lightness of being Howard Schnellenberger and you’re swallowing the spinner bait con gusto. FAU is very, very tough: on the road at Florida last year, they were 28-20 right before the half and had Florida fans sweating the bad sweat at the Swamp. (The good sweat smells of cinnamon and victory; the bad stuff reeks of ass and shame.) They also will be in Texas, will have half as much talent, and will wilt in the fourth quarter as the talent gradient avalanche begins to crush them.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL Texas, but see above re: AK State. Schnelly don’t holler for nothin’, y’all.

Utah @ Michigan

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Utah. Because we like the deep, well-traveled neurochemical pathways in our brain, like the one where Michigan drops a home opener to a team running the spread offense. It’s almost as comfortable as the one where, against a Florida team in a bowl game, they make us want to give ourself a facial with a belt sander.

HOLLY: IRRATIONAL Utah.� Because Charles Woodson is fat, fat, fat.

#3 USC @ Virginia

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: USC, BUT SCARY. Unless we’re talking about an opening series against Arkansas, USC can start the season with stutters, and has. UVA, when not giving Miami the most humiliating and aberrant home loss of their program’s history, likes to play sludgy, inconsistent, and often slow-paced football. We just feel a Groh game in the works: just on the verge of upset, perhaps even nustling its nose in victory’s collar and thinking fine thoughts about what could be…and then a house falls on them.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL USC, due to bringing a football team to Charlottesville.� (No, this is totally rational.� Have you seen UVa’s line?� Is “line” really the word we’re looking for here?)

Hawaii @ #5 Florida

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL: FLORIDA. Hawaii will be playing at six in the morning their time in a sweaty hellbath of screaming rednecks and the color orange. They will face a team whose talent is inarguably a grade above theirs at every position. The offense they must stop is one of the top three or four in the country even without Percy Harvin starting. Also, they are Hawaii, and they are playing halfway around the world. Boys for Pele, but in reverse.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL Florida.� Whoever scheduled this game for a noon kickoff ought to be dragged to the Hague.

2007: Recently unsealed medical records indicate that Patrick Cowan’s knee problems were an aggravation of a previous injury sustained while reenacting the mattress surfing scene from Disney’s Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement:

1991: Tommy Maddox sits out the entirety of spring practice after overturning a campus vending machine in an attempt to procure an extra can of Fresca.

1988: Troy Aikman is rushed to the hospital after ingesting a packet of silica gel he found in his new cleats, misses week of practice leading up to USC but recovers in time to take the field.

1984: Steve Bono undergoes season-ending surgery to his left foot after becoming entangled in a mall escalator.

1983: Rick Neuheisel is held out of the Arizona State game following a “Sun-In incident.”

1972: Mark Harmon misses four games with a sprained face.

1966: Gary Beban slices off entire left hand opening a can of pears, is held out of Rose Bowl.

1961: Billy Kilmer misses the College All-Star Game after dislocating his shoulder while removing tags from a new mattress.

1943: Records from this time period are spotty, indicating only that Bob Waterfield did not play in the first two games of the season due to “freckles”.

In all seriousness, for rills: This does suck, we’re in no way looking forward to playing a UCLA team that’s at anything less than full strength, because where’s the fun, and we wish a speedy and actual recovery to Olson and the rest of the Pac-10 QB casualties.

We slammed a fifth of Powerthirst after waking up this morning, and the Curious Index is now the FURIOUS INDEX! Thus, it’s only fair we start things off with something satisfyingly harsh, like Pantera in front of tens of thousands of angry Russians. Mind the language, of course, but it’s likely your boss might care a bit more about the fact that it’s Pantera than if an F bomb gets dropped. Plus you can’t even understand any of the lyrics anyway.

Who the hell is “Terrelle Pryor”?: Recruiting minutia for those of you who care about this stuff… some Pryor kid, who seems more interested in basketball than football, has committed to the “University of Ohio State.” aren’t they in the MAC or something? Regardless, we expect this to have absolutely no effect on the college football world for the next four-five years. None whatsoever. We’re certain that Michigan faithful would rise up with pitchforks and torches and throw Rich Rodriguez into Lake Huron in 2010 anyway. Anyway, worst kept secret turns into not secret at all, and the other members of the BXI now have their excuse why they plan to lose to Ohio State 90-0 for the next four years.

June Jones cares about defense, pants: An alert reader sends us this tip:

But here was the big surprise — June Jones was coaching the defense. Seriously. I expected him to be right behind the quarterbacks talking to them about everything, but instead he had a notebook in his hand and after each play he’d flip it open and show something to the defense — I’m guessing a formation he wanted them to line up in. He even lined up as the right end a few times and at the snap would take a couple of steps into the backfield, like a rusher.

Picture evidence, which is too large for the constraints of this site, is here. There is no denying, now, that SMU is controlling Jones like Scientology. First, the clothes: Jones, who used to dress like a bad mix of a Jimmy Buffett fan and Bernie Focker, is posing in suits with the SMU brass. Now the former Hawaii coach thinks he’s a defensive guru. Don’t be surprised when, by July, Tom Cruise hears June’s name, thinks he’s a girl, and instinctively gets him pregnant.

Did we say “aggravated murder by arson?” We mean “misdemeanor.”: Charges against a Penn State player have been dropped. No, this is not a repeat. This time it’s Tyrell Sales, cited last Saturday for hollerating, and charges have now poof disappeared. This follows a long line of exorbitant Penn State charges that haven’t even come close to sticking, which just goes to show what happens when you hire Fericito as your attorney general. The Big Board will reflect the adjustment, assuming it was ever changed in the first place.

Did you have a good day with your bracket?: Yes, so did everybody else. It’s not like you had Georgia in the Elite 8 or any… oh God, you did, didn’t you. It’s okay, you didn’t need that money. Your wife can live off canned food for a while.

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.

Drive with the fear! Our own father put us through the Swindle Tradition “The Month of the Wolf,” where we we turned loose in the woods as a five year old to survive or die, and thus allowing the gods to pass judgment on our virtue with life…or death. Fortunately for us, we were discovered by Irish Travelers on day two, passed into a human trafficking ring, and became the houseboy for powerful Guangzhou Triad boss with a predilection for kite-fighting and the works of Gino Vanelli between the years of 1983–1987. Happiness, for us, will always be the sound of kites blowing in the wind to the mellow sounds of mediocre balllads.

So Father’s Day’s always fraught with emotions, some of them requiring therapy of the professional or the amateur chemical variety. Thus we sympathize a bit with the pressured quarterbacks of the world whose fathers unfortunately turned the spotlight on themselves.

The list of our top 5 malevolent college football fathers includes both the negative effect they had on their son AND the deleterious effects they had on the fanbases.

5. Ken Wright, Miami. There’s little documentation of what he was like to his son, Kyle Wright of the Miami Hurricanes, but there’s plenty of evidence of Ken Wright completely flipping out after his son’s two picks doomed Miami in a game against Virginia Tech and becoming an ugly spectacle of a sports dad on tape. A Herald reporter caught the whole thing on audio after the defeat.

Click here to listen to Wright Sr.’s back and forth with Miami fans. Amazingly, it’s not a zero sum game–everyone ends up sounding like a huge asshole, Wright’s father included.

4. Jim Clausen, Sr. A relentless promoter of his children to recruiters who claimed amazement at all the interest in Jimmy Clausen…

“He’s just little Jimmy,” the elder Clausen said. “He didn’t ask for all this.”

…before allowing the infamous, nationally-televised monstrosity of a press conference where Clausen announced his commitment to Notre Dame after entering the scene via a Stretch Hummer stolen from a Cash Money video. Oh, and he had his own PR firm by then, too, but we had one in high school, too. (Those damn sexual assault charges can’t be fought in the courtroom alone, you know.)

Attention? Heavens, where did that come from?

Clausen Sr. then went off the Coach Weis script by commenting directly on Clausen Jr.’s wonky elbow, announcing that “We’ve been aware that this was an issue” when Weis insisted Clausen was ready to go for spring.

And at number 4 and still meddling, Clausen Sr. has serious potential for a rise in the rankings.

3. Curtis Leak. Father of both Chris and C.J., and a “domineering” presence in recruiting in both the negotiation phases (handled like Trans-Asian pipeline agreements) and in the promo phase. (Chris Leak’s notoriety coming out of high school was as much a product of Curtis’ PR campaign as it was Chris’ talent.) Tennessee fans in particular tasted the wrath of Leak Sr. when C.J., a highly pumped freshman, couldn’t crack the starting lineup and eventually dropped out of the program.

Florida fans thought Tennessee fans were cracked, of course, until Curtis went on talk radio and said he’d been told that “some Florida fans don’t want a black quarterback breaking Danny Wuerffel’s records.” We handily pointed out that this was not because of Leak’s blackness, but rather his being Jewish, which anyone could have seen if they’d noticed the Nike Swoosh yarmulke Leak wore on the sidelines. (Duh.)

2. Chris Rix, Sr.“My son was made a scapegoat for the offensive ineptitude,” said Chris Rix Sr., the father of Florida State’s much-maligned former quarterback. “Funny, but the many problems Chris was blamed for are still there now that he’s gone.

All true, sure. Rix, Sr. didn’t stop there, though. He went as far as showing up in person to harangue Bobby Bowden, an incident that may have gotten him tossed out of FSU’s offices by security.

In Dec. of 2003, I found my son was lagging in some of his courses. I talked to the Academic Athletic Support Director at FSU, the President, the AD, the Compliance guy, and then made an appointment with Coach Bowden’s secretary to see him one hour after I talked to the Compliance guy. I got to his office because I was not to pleased when the Academic guy says: “I failed your son, Chris”. While I’m cooling my heels, two FSU police show up carrying automatics, and, catch this, say they are here to “escort me from the building”, as “per Bob Minnix (the compliance guy I just talked to”, due to Coach Bowden’s “bowl preparations”.

A nightmare of a parent whose perpetual riddle to reporters regarding his son’s role in the FSU offense was “If you’ve got the keys to a Ferrari, you’ve got to drive it?” Rix Sr. never realized that his son was more of a well-maintained Ford Pontiac! Fiero caught in one of the worst coaching/parent traps we can remember a player being in ever.

Caught between dad…and these guys. Good luck.

And with no due surprise…

Marv Marinovich. The tale’s a bit tired, but here’s a precis: Created the planned cyborg quarterback for the future, his son Todd, by controlling his wife’s diet during pregnancy (only lean protein!) and continuing the iron discipline through Todd’s childhood. Put his son through workouts, reportedly tied his son’s hand behind his back to make him left-handed, and put the creatus through a training regimen that included everything but its own Heidelberg scar.

Marinovich excelled through high school, but then fell to pieces with a taste of freedom, picked up a very disciplined drug habit, and fell through the ranks of the NFL, CFL, Arena League, and eventually into a Newport Beach, California public bathroom, where he was arrested for possession of child porn and drug paraphernalia after a short chase on a children’s bicycle.

Of course: Marv makes the top spot, and with good reason.

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…because Peter Bean is back, Ragin Cajun Rebel is back in the mob where he does his thing, and because tonight we will be discussing one of the greatest questions in the world: Does Notre Dame exist?

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which remains damn lively–last week one commenter who shall remain nameless but is named Holly from Ladies… called an intruder on the board a cunt. Don’t mess with the parallelogram, y’all.)

To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

What: Tonight’s special guests are…Jay from Blue-Gray Sky and Brian Cook from MGoBlog and the Fanhouse. They will face each other in a Lincoln-Douglas Style Debate on the topic: Does Notre Dame exist, and should we care? For two Sun Belt football fans raised on Texas and Florida, this remains a very legitimate question.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. 1. ND–do you care? Simple enough–do you care about Notre Dame, ESPN and media borgs be damned?

2. Is the grief ND fans endure proportional to the crimes? We think not, especially given all the unwanted attention they receive when things turn turdulent in South Bend (ex: media hailstorm in 2004/05 surrounding Willingham, Weis, Meyer, etc.)

3. What do you like about ND? If anything? The hellacious student section. If the entire stadium were filled with fans doing what they do, they’d have to make the supports of the superstructure out of Nerf.

4.Would you sleep with a leprechaun? A better question would be “Have we slept with a leprechaun?” Silence defines us here.

See you tonight.

Getting in shape? That’s what the first two rounds are for, suckers.

The morning roll call of extremely important events we missed while gone:

Auburn recruits allegedly changed the grades of two players had grades changed at the last minute to make them eligible, according to the Mobile Press-Register. We normally don’t even post allegations of malfeasance sent to us by either Alabama/Auburn fans re: Auburn/Alabama football players, but this one comes from an actual newspaper, not Roscoe’s House O’ Cheatin’ Bastards.blogspot.com.

The NCAA is investigating…which is a bit like saying your best man is helping the bride clean her teeth. With his penis. In the bathroom five minutes prior to the wedding.

Bernie Machen says cash rulz everything around him–Dollah dollah bill, y’all. At one point we remember a story to the contrary saying that Bernie Machen, playoff advocate and current UF president, wasn’t even going to get to propose an SEC push for a post-season tourney. That’s evidently changed, as Machen plans to explain his Method Man theory of bowl economics to SEC presidents:

He has also said that, despite the millions already in play under the current BCS system, a playoff system would likely generate in excess of $100 million more, a figure that might sway the thinking of some presidents and leagues.

Cash rulz everything around him! We expect 100 million dollars could be persuasive. If not, a warning: Bernie’s powerful Wu-Tang slang is mad fuckin’ dangerous.

Machen Man and the other MCs of the SEC will be meeting at the pedestrian Sandestin Hilton Resort, a disappointing choice in our opinion. A frozen ice fortress or volcano lair wasn’t available?

You know what the problem with college football is? Overtime, according to the editor of the Clanton Advertiser. You can almost hear the sports editor of the Clanton paper banging his head againt the desk: “This week, Norman, I shall be writing about sport!”

Pirates in Tucson! A Mike Leach crewmate has been given control over the University of Arizona’s offense, a move clearly pulled from the “Why the hell not?” file, as Arizona has averaged 100th in national offensive rankings during Mike Stoops’ tenure as head coach there.

The Rivals bit also mentions Tuitama’s frequent head injuries as being a reason for the switch, cueing up yet another bit of informative type information from the piece: in the past seven years at Texas Tech, no quarterback has missed a start due to injury. The piece hints at Tuitama receiving four “head-dizzying hits” last season, which must be code for “nasty-ass concussion.”

It certainly sounds more glamorous than “swollen, bruised brain,” doesn’t it? We’ll refer to our hangovers from this point on as “drink-slammed liver swoons” just to keep up.

Not an ACL tear, but a “heroically interrupted bond between knee and ligament.”

Arizona also gets pub as an “up and coming” program in a Rivals piece about the next Boise State/Louisvilles of the world, which seems odd given the Arizona Wildcats were once good and still sit in the middle of a major conference that ends up on television frequently. They don’t exactly wear the mantle of dark horse, outsider rogue talent well.

USF, the EDSBS pet pick out of Tampa, gets a mention as a possible rising talent. We’re hoping for it with every atom of our being, mostly because the trailer-park alumni the Bulls could pull out of the Tampa metropolitan area would make Alabama’s look like a crowd of Bertie Woosters in comparison. CAN YOU SAY ICEHOUSE AND CRYSTAL METH YOUNG MAN? We knew you could.

But did he add this kind of value to the photo? We don’t think so, ’scro.

What have I…what have I…what have I done to deserve this…

To be fair: if our body looked like Brady Quinn’s, this would be our version of a man-burqa.