We slammed a fifth of Powerthirst after waking up this morning, and the Curious Index is now the FURIOUS INDEX! Thus, it’s only fair we start things off with something satisfyingly harsh, like Pantera in front of tens of thousands of angry Russians. Mind the language, of course, but it’s likely your boss might care a bit more about the fact that it’s Pantera than if an F bomb gets dropped. Plus you can’t even understand any of the lyrics anyway.

Who the hell is “Terrelle Pryor”?: Recruiting minutia for those of you who care about this stuff… some Pryor kid, who seems more interested in basketball than football, has committed to the “University of Ohio State.” aren’t they in the MAC or something? Regardless, we expect this to have absolutely no effect on the college football world for the next four-five years. None whatsoever. We’re certain that Michigan faithful would rise up with pitchforks and torches and throw Rich Rodriguez into Lake Huron in 2010 anyway. Anyway, worst kept secret turns into not secret at all, and the other members of the BXI now have their excuse why they plan to lose to Ohio State 90-0 for the next four years.

June Jones cares about defense, pants: An alert reader sends us this tip:

But here was the big surprise — June Jones was coaching the defense. Seriously. I expected him to be right behind the quarterbacks talking to them about everything, but instead he had a notebook in his hand and after each play he’d flip it open and show something to the defense — I’m guessing a formation he wanted them to line up in. He even lined up as the right end a few times and at the snap would take a couple of steps into the backfield, like a rusher.

Picture evidence, which is too large for the constraints of this site, is here. There is no denying, now, that SMU is controlling Jones like Scientology. First, the clothes: Jones, who used to dress like a bad mix of a Jimmy Buffett fan and Bernie Focker, is posing in suits with the SMU brass. Now the former Hawaii coach thinks he’s a defensive guru. Don’t be surprised when, by July, Tom Cruise hears June’s name, thinks he’s a girl, and instinctively gets him pregnant.

Did we say “aggravated murder by arson?” We mean “misdemeanor.”: Charges against a Penn State player have been dropped. No, this is not a repeat. This time it’s Tyrell Sales, cited last Saturday for hollerating, and charges have now poof disappeared. This follows a long line of exorbitant Penn State charges that haven’t even come close to sticking, which just goes to show what happens when you hire Fericito as your attorney general. The Big Board will reflect the adjustment, assuming it was ever changed in the first place.

Did you have a good day with your bracket?: Yes, so did everybody else. It’s not like you had Georgia in the Elite 8 or any… oh God, you did, didn’t you. It’s okay, you didn’t need that money. Your wife can live off canned food for a while.

Two months in the can, one to go, folks, before 2007 is a misremembered, revisionist fog. Get every bit you can while you can. That is an order (Nevada-New Mexico State optional):

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.

Some of you had typical, idyllic fathers. Some of us, on the other hand, had Reece Bobby.

Drive with the fear! Our own father put us through the Swindle Tradition “The Month of the Wolf,” where we we turned loose in the woods as a five year old to survive or die, and thus allowing the gods to pass judgment on our virtue with life…or death. Fortunately for us, we were discovered by Irish Travelers on day two, passed into a human trafficking ring, and became the houseboy for powerful Guangzhou Triad boss with a predilection for kite-fighting and the works of Gino Vanelli between the years of 1983–1987. Happiness, for us, will always be the sound of kites blowing in the wind to the mellow sounds of mediocre balllads.

So Father’s Day’s always fraught with emotions, some of them requiring therapy of the professional or the amateur chemical variety. Thus we sympathize a bit with the pressured quarterbacks of the world whose fathers unfortunately turned the spotlight on themselves.

The list of our top 5 malevolent college football fathers includes both the negative effect they had on their son AND the deleterious effects they had on the fanbases.

5. Ken Wright, Miami. There’s little documentation of what he was like to his son, Kyle Wright of the Miami Hurricanes, but there’s plenty of evidence of Ken Wright completely flipping out after his son’s two picks doomed Miami in a game against Virginia Tech and becoming an ugly spectacle of a sports dad on tape. (more…)

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…because Peter Bean is back, Ragin Cajun Rebel is back in the mob where he does his thing, and because tonight we will be discussing one of the greatest questions in the world: Does Notre Dame exist?

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which remains damn lively–last week one commenter who shall remain nameless but is named Holly from Ladies… called an intruder on the board a cunt. Don’t mess with the parallelogram, y’all.)

To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

What: Tonight’s special guests are…Jay from Blue-Gray Sky and Brian Cook from MGoBlog and the Fanhouse. They will face each other in a Lincoln-Douglas Style Debate on the topic: Does Notre Dame exist, and should we care? For two Sun Belt football fans raised on Texas and Florida, this remains a very legitimate question.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. 1. ND–do you care? Simple enough–do you care about Notre Dame, ESPN and media borgs be damned?

2. Is the grief ND fans endure proportional to the crimes? We think not, especially given all the unwanted attention they receive when things turn turdulent in South Bend (ex: media hailstorm in 2004/05 surrounding Willingham, Weis, Meyer, etc.)

3. What do you like about ND? If anything? The hellacious student section. If the entire stadium were filled with fans doing what they do, they’d have to make the supports of the superstructure out of Nerf.

4.Would you sleep with a leprechaun? A better question would be “Have we slept with a leprechaun?” Silence defines us here.

See you tonight.

We knew vacation was over when the vodka ran out–which, sadly, it did. We’re back, up, and hoping to take the Serena Williams approach to blogging fitness. Meaning we’ll play our fat asses into shape over the course of the tournament. Edit: our fat beautiful asses.

Getting in shape? That’s what the first two rounds are for, suckers.

The morning roll call of extremely important events we missed while gone:

Auburn recruits allegedly changed the grades of two players had grades changed at the last minute to make them eligible, according to the Mobile Press-Register. We normally don’t even post allegations of malfeasance sent to us by either Alabama/Auburn fans re: Auburn/Alabama football players, but this one comes from an actual newspaper, not Roscoe’s House O’ Cheatin’ Bastards.blogspot.com.

The NCAA is investigating… (more…)

Sure, Brian was the one who told us about Brady Quinn dolled up in leather-dude gear and shaking it like Mr. Slave at AJ Hawk’s wedding. Well, him and the Big Lead, we suppose.

But did he add this kind of value to the photo? We don’t think so, ’scro.

What have I…what have I…what have I done to deserve this…

To be fair: if our body looked like Brady Quinn’s, this would be our version of a man-burqa.

The most enthusiastic responders to our call for spring practice/game reports came from none other than the Ohio State Buckeyes camp, showing that they either hold no hard feelings towards us after the national title game, or think they actually have to obey our orders as a condition of the loss. If it’s the latter, please donate a thousand dollars each to the EDSBS Paypal account NOW SERFS NOW!!!

The first, from Buckeye Dan:

It’s late April in Columbus, so that means it’s time for the annual spring game. Rosters are checked to see who the walk-on scrub who just lost 5 yards was, concessions are expensive, and no conclusions of any value can be drawn. Woo spring!

Questions heading in: Who will replace Troy Smith? How will a new wide receivers corps adjust to this new, unknown quarterback? Will Mike Conley call anything involving an iso block?

The answers leaving: Not Rob Schoenhoft. God, he sucks. Think “Sexy Rexy,” but without the talent. Fuck it. He’s throwing downfield, and by God, it will leave his hand at mach 8.

Fuck it, he’s going deep.

Antonio Henton, the redshirt freshman drawing Troy Smith comparisons is, well, young. He’s showing the ability to make accurate throws, but if his first option isn’t there immediately, he’s taking off. He looks good doing it, but he needs to learn patience, not unlike Mr. Smith himself, many moons ago.

Todd Boeckman has the job as of right now. He’s been in the system for eleventy billion years. I think he and Greg Oden’s grandkids play together at day care. (more…)

Ohio State, we knight you as an honorary member of the SEC:

“Tressel Hayes Huffines — sounds as sweet as an OSU victory over Michigan,” Brent Huffines, 27, said Sunday while cradling the 3-day-old boy in the neonatal intensive care unit at Ohio State University Medical Center.

The parents actually named their child after not one, but two Ohio State coaches, something so completely deranged we’ll go ahead and accuse the attending medical staff at the hospital of negligence for not immediately testing the father for tertiary syphilis. We’ll also predict that the child will take their first steps at age two, whereupon he will be tackled savagely by a helmetless Earl Everett.

Honey, get down! Get down Tressel Hayes!

Aside from serving as an argument as to why couples with an aggregate age under 50 should NOT have children, the birth also served as the occasion for a whole array of strange incidents:

1. Afterbirth contained lint roller and gambling chit signed by Art Schlicter.

2. Child’s first diaper stain? (more…)

The latest disturbing chapter in…

Houston Nutt should resign–just resign, leave, and go coach at some place where people don’t care as much about football. Care may be a weak word here; try “obsess,” “mull over 24/7,” or “pray to their secret arachnid overlord in the dark of night” instead. None still really cover how odd affairs at Arkansas truly are right now.

How about “football-haunted?” If that’s close, then Houston Nutt’s got a poltergeist on his hands. We dropped this in another entry, but someone used the Freedom of Information Act to get their grubby hands on Houston Nutt’s cell phone records, all game thanks to Nutt using an Arkansas-funded cell phone as part of his coaching perks.

Weirder–or more dedicated, depending on your relative sanity here–someone’s put together the equivalent of a legal brief detailing Nutt’s behavior and public statements as they correspond to his phone activity.

We mean this with gravity: don’t click on it unless you want to rearrange the cells in your brain to form new, frightening connections you may find disturbing. (more…)

Bob Stoops crossed over to the bitch half of the bitch-goddess side of coaching success sometime around 2002: two losses in national title games, middling years shuffling coordinators on both sides of the ball thereafter, and having alleged wunderkind Rhett Bomar bomb out of the program by taking an oddly lucrative job with a local car dealership. The kind of job where you get paid even if you don’t show up. The kind the NCAA doesn’t like.

Bomargate…not dead just yet.

Stoops put that behind him and guided Oklahoma to what in normal terms would be a very successful season:11-3 despite switching qbs at the last second and enduring a Kobayashi Maru replay scenario in a road defeat at Oregon. (Oh, and they played Goliath to Under Armour/Boise State. Forgot that little nut kick.) Demonz b gon, no?

Little flashback demon arrived via MSNBC, actually. Ex-Sooner lineman J.D. Quinn, kicked off the team with Bomar for similar cash-related issues, speaks loudly and clumsily here:

“All I did was take cash,” Quinn said. “I didn’t break any laws and I get kicked off the team, but there’s people on the team that are breaking laws and failing drug tests and stuff like that, and there’s nobody getting kicked off the team for that type of stuff.”

Quinn declined to provide details of his allegations about other players, but said it was not necessarily about players on the OU team.

…even if that’s exactly what he said just five seconds prior to saying it wasn’t about players on the OU team. (more…)

Short attention span theatre, the radio version, returns tonight with EDSBS Live!, the show so exciting it requires unnecessary! punctuation! just to capture its excitement! Our guest tonight will be Michael David Smith of Football Outsiders, who will discuss the upcoming NFL Draft. We’re talking about the draft because no one, repeat, no one is more knowledgeable than you when it comes to draft predictions, and NFL executives can listen to tonight’s broadcast and save millions of misspent signing bonuses actually listening to people who watched these people play for four years.

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 8:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast. Even if they make fun of our heavy breathing into the mike and audible belching.

Why: To put your “Adrian Peterson is the next Curtis Enis” boast on the record for posterity, sucka.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Michael David Smith of Football Outsiders.

To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below. The four questions for this week:

1. Who’s your favorite, non-obvious pick in the draft this year who you actually watched play?

2. Who’s your RADIOACTIVE BIOHAZARD DO NOT TOUCH AAAIIIIGGGHHH pick to avoid in this draft? We troy smith have no troy smith definite opinions on this. troy smith

3. Who’s your favorite college stud who failed to find success in the pros? Again, we have no leanings here.

Cough cough WUERFFEL cough cough

4. In the big draft board of life, where were you? Are you a first round bust right now? An unsigned camp invitee turned all-pro? An Arena League legend doing well in your niche? We want to know.

Orson’s totally sure he knows what he is, but you’ll have to listen tonight to find out.

Blogtoberfest: Much like the movie Babel, though sadly without deaf naked Japanese ladies. Random tourist killings? Being a Florida blog, you’re damn right we’ve got those.

Bound for Tallahassee from birth. No program has put the announcers of this earth through more hell than the Florida State Seminoles, fielding the Craphonsos and De’Cody Faggs of the universe without even offering the saving grace of a quality nickname.

Another recruit who, despite the possible ebbs and flows of recruiting over the next year, is destined to wear garnet and gold:

Yourhighness Morgan. Outside linebacker, Bushnell (FL) South Sumter

Yourhighness? The only queen we worship never put on pads. Well, maybe kneepads.

Steven Dubner of Freakonomics fame unearthed it back in August, of course. But we’ll take this opportunity to say that if Yourhighness does not play for the Florida State Seminoles, then nail your furniture to the wall, because gravity’s going sideways most fastly.

BONUS! He has a brother named Handsome, but does not in fact have siblings named Frito, President Camacho, or Beef Supreme.

Wanted: short, scatter-armed qb with bad tats. Georgia Tech’s Jonathan Garner has announced his intention to transfer, clearing the way for Taylor Bennett to claim the number one slot on the qb depth chart for the Yellow Jackets. Gailey, when reached for comment, said that he was:

“…sad to see him go, but it’ll work out. We’re still looking for a scatter-armed, converted third-string running back no taller than 5′ 9″ to really make this offense work, though. Then we’ll dump Taylor and let this pony run like it should.”

His pancakes are immaculate, too. Calvin Johnson, in addition to being a legendarily nice guy, water sanitation engineer for impoverished Peruvian villages, and the most underserved wide receiver in the nation, added another line to his resume this week: 4.35 in the 40 at the combine. Johnson ran the 40 against the advice of his agent, Jeremy Sanshuevos.

The quote from the AJC on Sunday: “He’s been working out like he’s going to be Mr. Irrelevant.”

Calvin Johnson: Like Randy Moss, but faster and undumb.

Bathrooms are a privilege no more in Texas. The Cotton Bowl will follow the Cowboys to their new home in Arlington, according to ESPN.com. This means that both the reasonable complaints (like, three bathrooms in the whole stadium) and the unreasonable (the “too-narrow” seating at the Cotton Bowl–lay off the Funyuns, supersize) will all be made irrelevant as the last remaining attraction vacates the Legion Field of the Lone Star State. When reached for comment, the Cotton Bowl said “Creak, drip, crumble.”

Michigan’s wide receivers just bought you an ice cream cake. WHAT! Ice Cream cake, y’all. Though he’s busy preparing for his second professional fight, Tom Zbikowski–and yes, we just realized this–is indeed returning next year to play out his string with Notre Dame in the defensive secondary.

Zbikowski, seen here against LSU, Ohio State, USC, or Michigan.

Alley Broussard, in his seventeenth year of eligibility. Alley Broussard, despite playing more seasons of college football than Hayden Fox ever coached, is still devouring goodwill at LSU. He’s in Les Miles doghouse for “team rules violations,” which means one of three things:

1. Skipped class.
2. Smoked weed and tested positive.
3. Tackled, upended, and then devoured a Geo Metro whole after a raucous off-campus party.

Money’s on #3 here.

Pete Carroll is scarily focused, chapter 346. Conquest Chronicles has further evidence that Pete Carroll is the Genghis Khan of recruiting, minus the horsestink and thousands-large harem.

Reggie Nelson Mancrush Update. Our favorite safety ever to play at Florida is keeping busy with preparations for the combine. Mohammed Massaquoi just dove to the ground after reading Nelson’s name. We’re sorry if it caused him any trauma.

Via Losers with Socks and the Wizard of Odds: this year’s Wonderlic wunderkind hits a bit close to home, if rumor is to be believed. Chris Leak, walking under Jamarcus Russell and and under Brady Quinn’s huuuuuge pectoral muscles to get to the classroom, allegedly racked up a whopping ocho on the Wonderlic test, the professional football equivalent to an IQ test. (For those not in the know, ocho is Finnish for ‘not good.’)

Is Chris Leak Like Cameron Diaz in ‘In Her Shoes’? Pretty and literacy-problematic?

Remember that last year agents were having kittens over Vince Young scoring a six? This story is like that, but instead of a first-rounder, it’s over Chris Leak, a prospect whose most optimistic supporters would be thrilled at a solid NFL Europe run followed by a steady Arena Ball career. Leak clocked a 4.7 instead of his vaunted 4.5 (a number no one believed anyway,) measured up at sub six feet, and now racked up a number that, while still above this year’s low of 4 (some poor Iowa State running back, presumably caught in a revolving door at this very moment coming out of his hotel in Indianapolis,) reeks of “literacy problems.”

Could it be true? Sure. Leak had trouble reading defenses, didn’t blow doors on the SAT, and majored in the subject that gives Auburn Academic All-Americans: sociology. It’s entirely possible he got that score, as anyone who saw the pick at the 2:00 mark in the video below can attest.

Antwain Robinson can believe it, sure. But the test itself might have been a bit unfair to Leak, as the Wonderlic famously preys on its takers’ insecurities. It can be a veritable psychological torture run for players, and for a player known to shudder under pressure, it may have been too much for Leak. Just take a look at the EDSBS exclusive copy of the Wonderlic Leak took:
(more…)

Who do we want to win the Super Bowl? The Florida Gators, of course. The Sex Cannon will extend Peyton Manning’s losing streak against Florida to four straight games, thus earning Florida not only the National Championships in men’s football and basketball, but also a Super Bowl Ring for gravy’s sake. (Alex Brown’s on the team, too. He’s the one with some of Tee Martin’s brain tissue in a tiny vial hanging off his wrist.)

Paraphrasing the great Tracy Jordan here: live this week like it’s shark week, Rex. We know you, and despite going 9 for 25 with a pick and a fumble, will lead the Bears to victory…all with a hangover and a bruised penis from some vicious pregame Sex Cannoning.

Go Deep, Rex. And Go Gators/Bears.

And to think we knew him when he was merely a sex mortar: Rex Grossman, Super Bowl Sex Cannon, as a gunslinging Gator.

Blogtoberfest…um…it’s like he’s fucking my wife, but with hyperlinks included.

Yay, hate! Boo, hating things we like. Ever see one of those realigned maps of the world not placing the United States at the heart of the entire universe? If you look at most of them, it’s actually more like they’re putting the island of Curacao at the center of the universe, where it certainly is for Andruw Jones and people who like getting drunk on blue liquor.

That’s precisely the vibe we get when reading Tallahassee.com. Everything seems normal; nay, even exceptional at times. You’re sailing through a quality piece like “Ten Things We Hate About College Football,” enjoying a snappy, perfectly digestible piece of snark:

1. College Gameday intro music- My idea of starting Saturday off right does not include Big and Rich or Bubba Sparxxx in any form or fashion.

w00t WWL hate! Hate hate hate! Cruising smoothly before we ran into this:

4. Gainesville- This would make a top ten list of things I hate about planet Earth. There’s nothing to do there but smell the urine-soaked streets and try like heck to get somewhere else. Oh, and you can also sell jean shorts.

Gainesville does not stink of urine. It does stink of rot, thanks to loamy soil, piles of rotting plant matter, and the combo of relentless humidity and an “aggressive” microbe community. But urine? He has the entire 352 confused with Bobby Bowden Field, which does in fact reek of piss from Florida marking its territory. Since the field was renamed after Satan, Florida is 3-0 against FSU and 2-0 in the town marked by the giant middle finger Florida shoots to the world.

At least they didn’t say they were “clean,” and “articulate.” Guilford College will continue its own investigation, but local police in Greensboro are closing their inquiry into a fight involving three Palestinian students and “several” Guilford football players. Guilford’s mascot? The pacifist Quaker, of course.

There’s one other Quaker we thought of who liked to fight. Just ask the entire nation of Laos.

Did you find Rule 3-2-5-e 1. Awesome, 2. Really Awesome, or 3. Speechless with delight and quivering in awe of it’s total fucking awesomeness. Please choose one. In the Bleachers takes a look at the NCAA’s coaches’ survey sent out to the signal callers of the nation and wonders: is it meant to flub the whole process by boring coaches comatose from the start?

The first question asks not about 3-2-5-e, but instead about granting variance to the rule requiring road teams to wear white jerseys. Important? No, unless you take the NCAA’s naked attempts to corporatize the game commitment to the integrity of the game into account and ask: how many viewers flee broadcasts when white pants pick up brown ass-stains from the dirt, thus creating the illusion that players have soiled themselves on the field? See? Losing fifteen viewers right there alone.

From cocks to bulls. One of Steve Spurrier’s first high-profile converts to Cock livin’ has fled the coop and transferred to University of Tennessee-Martin. Cade Thompson, former Mr. 4-A football for the state of Tennessee, left South Carolina after Blake Mitchell won the starting job over the highly touted Thompson.

This note appears for two reasons and two reasons only.

1. The writer’s name is “Bob Heist,” a semantic cousin of “Orson Swindle” in the name department. It is not his real name, and he has warrants for his arrest in Guatemala and Uruguay.

2. UT-Martin has a real, live rodeo team. If football doesn’t work out for Thompson, there’s always the bright lights of that danged old rodeo and the attendant buckle bunnies. Just something to keep in mind.

Mike Leach, magic man. Mike Leach can never die; we declare this by edict and all the powers that accompany us. For the 2005 offseason, Leach’s hobby was learning about pirates; for 2006, he got in touch with his inner Viking. And for 2007? He’s attempting to turn himself into the next Doug Henning/Tony Wonder:(HT: Dave)

From the Star-Bulletin:

Mike Leach worked his magic, and Texas Tech has its first recruit ever from the islands.

“We fed him lupulu (corned beef and taro leaves) and he was doing magic tricks with my brothers. It shows he’s a down-to-earth guy,” Fehoko said. “He was trying to do the haka in our house too.”

We have a fresh, hot, and perfectly intact kidney ready for extraction for the person holding a copy of that video in their hand. Every Mike Leach story turns our dreary old one hundred dollar bill of a day into one hundred glorious, gleaming, shimmering copper pennies of joy.

Our Boy A’s getting off probation. It’s a holiday in Alabama, and we’re not talking about Charlesbarkleyween. (Shhh. Don’t tell them he’s black–they think he’s just a jaundiced, really big half-Mexican.) Alabama is officially off house arrest, and is totally out of that anklet alarm thing and can come to the club ‘n all that.

While Nico sees no need to celebrate, we dissent. For the first time in 15 long years, Alabama’s clean and sober with the regulatory powers-that-be. Play some Free Bird, burn something. Call Antonio Langham and have him over for pot roast. Sacrifice a beer or two to your Bear Bryant Shrine. Give Mike Dubose a hug the next time you see him before you punch him in the balls.

Or invite a few friends over, maybe:

Recruiting is creepy, cont’d. SMQ has numbers on athletic investment, and they’re slightly surprising. (Then again, of course Vanderbilt will claim the highest amount invested in an athlete. They’re a private institution with lots of digits associated with their total cost.) The one thing we could possibly agree on? Merchandise sales, which benefit third parties because…well, because they said so.

Brian chimes in with a typical recruiting season anecdote regarding five-star cornerback prospect Ronald Johnson. How does an 18-year old kid go from beloved future son-in-law to the bride that is your football team to scrub who gave your baby genital warts? Only through the magic of recruiting season.

The Wheel of Pain. The House Rock Built details the Wheel of Pain that is recruiting. Like most things, it ends with someone’s bike getting stolen.

And finally, a “late qualifier.” A glossary to recruiting phraseology comes from BlogCritics.com, who obviously know their subject matter when it comes to recruiting:

•He had one off the field incident: Gunned down eight people in a dispute over an X-Box.
•He’s a workout freak: Doesn’t go to class.
•His Dad’s involved in the recruiting process: Poor kid is subjected to his father’s lifelong dream. Will end up like Todd Marinovich.

Points to you, sir. Points-a-plenty.

Namath, qb prospect. Cannon arm. “Likes to enjoy his free time.”