Really? Yeah, kinda, via some Fox Lubbock guy in a pink tie reporting from what appears to be an abandoned mall:
The players are stalwart enough after a game that was embarrassing even to watch, but Leach’s rapid whiplashing from “We didn’t coach well enough to beat A&M, and we didn’t play well enough to beat A&M” to “We’re not gonna listen to our fat little girlfriends” doesn’t speak to a steady hand on the tiller. Mike, Mike — don’t you know the plump ones make the best pirate lasses? And with still-ranked Kansas coming to town on Halloween, can you really afford to alienate the wench contingent of your student section?
Mike Leach has issued an edict that the crew of the Red Raider shall not, under any circumstances at all, tweet. This follows the linebacker and leading tackler Marlon Williams tweeting about Leach not being on time, which is definitely not the way to tweet about you coach. Williams would probably still have a Twitter page if he’d taken the Pete Carroll Tweeting Forever: Living Like a Champion in 140 Characters or Less pamphlet to heart (a publication with 140 character chapters, of course.)
Or he could have done something like this if he was going to tweet about his coach:
Now that Leach and his pirate navy of grad assistants have blockaded his players from Tweeting, we won’t find out the fate of Brandon Carter from his Twitter feed, which also disappeared after Carter posted about his dissatisfaction with the beginning of the season. Carter posted he was suspended, a suspension confirmed by Mike Leach in terms so icy a hitman might cringe at them:
Asked how much the offensive line will miss Carter, Leach said, “Not at all.”
Don’t fall off the side of the boat, Red Raider. Ships don’t have brakes, and it’s a long way to swim to Aruba if you’re tossed off the side “accidentally.”
…it’s good to be the captain. One more day until we sail. Red skies at night tonight no matter the weather, mateys. College football begins tomorrow, and the sailing is clear and smooth all the way to the horizon. Full steam ahead.
A fancy parlor in London where gentlemen of considerable intellect engage in bold conversation with resident curmudgeon and holder of shocking opinions, Mr. Leach.
Mr. Bummercund: What brings you down this sooty avenue, Mr. Abysinnia?
Mr. Abyssinia: Only the need for a bit of the hair of the dog that bit me, Mr. Bummercund. His teeth, they sank deep last night!
Mr. Bummercund: One hopes your manservant’s teeth aren’t covered in any of those preposterous “viruses” the famous Dr. Pasteur of Paris claims to have conquered. You’d be in quite a bit of trouble.
Mr. Abyssinia: Ah, touche, Mr. Bummercund. No, ‘twould be improbable since Buckley was run down by a Hansom cab last week. Dreadful.
Mr. Bummercund: Egads! Was he killed in the incident, Mr. Abyssinia?
Mr Abyssinia: Instantly. I was going quite fast when it happened. (more…)
But the third? That would be East Carolina, a team we sometimes refer to as “Eastern Carolina” here on the blog because we are dumb, and fond of screwing up proper nouns whenever and wherever possible thanks to our creeping Alzheinstein’s disease. Hey, these are probably the real lyrics to the fight song!
ECU is 6-10 against BCS teams since 2005, but with five of those wins coming against ACC teams. This lends further credence to what we’ll call “Groh’s Law”:
Groh’s Law: The theory stating that against all laws of math and reality, all teams playing in the ACC shall go 7-5 or 5-7 every year without variation, even if playing weak out-of-conference slates.
East Carolina has also played the most games against BCS opponents since 2005, with a mansome total of 16 games equalled only by the Ass-rippin’ Schnellenbergers of Florida Atlantic University (the ass-rippin’ being passive and offered, as they are 1-15 in games against BCS opponents.) Take ECU out of the sum total for Conference USA, though, and we’re plating up Fugly Salad: C-USA is 11-91 overall against BCS teams, a record bested–er, worsted only by the Sun Belt Conference, who has a 6-84 record against the BCS overall. Did you know that one anagram for the Sun Belt is “Feeblest Unconcern?” It’s not as good as “Enfeebles Corn Cunt,” but it certainly makes more sense.
A fancy parlor in London with frilly lady-types and gentlemen of considerable intellect engage in bold conversation with resident curmudgeon and holder of shocking opinions, Mr. Leach .
Frilly lady one: Surely you do not suggest Herr Schliemann’s theories on the location of the ancient city of Troy are in fact correct? And that the city exists in the form he proposes, and that Agamemnon himself may be found in its dusty footings?
Frilly lady two: If we are to believe such specious thoughts, we may as well crawl on our knuckles and dine on the fruit of the ba-na-na tree, as Mr. Darwin’s savage apes would have us doing a mere thousand years ago or so!
Coach Mike Leach, erupting from his chair: Cease, chickens. (more…)
SWING. YOUR. SWORDS. (HT: Doc Saturday, of course, who got them mad Rivals hookups.)
Clearly this shows the Red Rangers displaying great hands and understanding how to control the flow of a game. Shortly after this picture was taken the Oklahoma defensive line came and kicked them in the back of the thighs Switzer-style, causing the linemen to piss uncontrollably all over themselves in the process. (Consolation: it didn’t happen on national television this time.)
Mike Leach, famed pirate fan, may be called as an expert analyst sooner or later for a major news network. Very few people actually specialized in this kind of shit during their international affairs programs, so the only real experts are self-appointed. (And pirates, of course, but it’s kind of hard to get them to hang up the AK-47 and take up a guest faculty position, even when you mention the newly refurbished faculty gym and primo parking spot.)
Leach was then asked, jokingly, if he would be willing to act as an intermediary during negotiations.
“I don’t think they need an intermediary,” he said. “They need somebody to go clean that deal out. Whoever that leader of the SEALs is, I think he’s got it right. I think you ought to get the Navy SEALs out, have a long weekend…
Salient and sensible points all around: he way outperforms Lou Holtz as a pundit, though that’s a bit like saying you beat Pam Ward in a yardstick-measuring contest. Wait, that would actually be quite impressive, now that you mention it.
East Carolina’s been very clever over the years playing wink wink/nudge nudge with their logo, even putting a cleverly artsy AAAAAAARRRGGHHHHH on a billboard to welcome Virginia Tech fans to their 2008 matchup.
Yet some internet genius–mindful of the times and the sudden resurgence of piracy on the Somali coast–decided P.D. needed a makeover, Mogadishu-style. Regardez:
He’s missing a few things, but it’s hard to work in the qat-stained teeth, knockoff Italian loafers, and RPG in there. And please, not to be all The Big Lead on you, but someone did send this to us, and we don’t know the author. If the anonymous internet genius who made this will stand up, we’d be more than happy to hat tip you and send metaphorical cocktails your way all night.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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