For lack of a better term, we’re calling this the “Kiffin Effect.” Pop quiz, hotshot: Coming off a 4-8 season and a 45-0 vivisectioning by your big in-state rival in which you netted all of 37 yards, what do you do? What do you do? Evidently, this:

Houston Nutt phoned in just now to say he has sucked it, as a matter of fact, and the Delicious Creamsicle of Immediate In-State Superiority was everything he thought it could be.

The pressure of being the preseason #1 for the Fulmer Cup must’ve gotten to them. I know all you EDSBS regulars have been waiting with bated breath for the first time I’d make a blatant plug for my dear Georgia Bulldogs, and here it is: For what feels like the first time since I was an naive, apple-cheeked freshman, the Dawgs have gone an entire offseason without a single player getting arrested. One hundred law-abiding cocktails to all of you, gentlemen! By contrast, the Dawgs’ season-opening opponent, Oklahoma State, won’t be suspending two offensive players arrested for pot possession in June. Note to Mike Gundy: If you’re going up against Georgia and you’re the one that looks slack on player discipline, there may be a problem. Unfortunately for the Dawgs, that righteous indignation plus two bucks will get Willie Martinez a grande Pike Place roast at Starbucks.

Your “Suddenly My Problems Seem Pretty Minor” moment of the day. The Tulsa World profiles Tulsa QB G.J. Kinne, whose dad, a high-school coach in Texas, was shot to death by the angry parent of a player four years ago. By contrast, I’ve spent most of the past 24 hours raging at having shattered the screen on my iPhone, and officially consider myself humbled.

We have met the enemy, and he is Tony Franklin. I mean us. We knew the Auburn coaching staff was a wee bit divided during last year’s 5-7 debacle, but evidently so were the players. Why was that, you think?

“The offense had their problems and some guys started hanging their heads – just stuff of that sort,” said defensive end Antonio Coleman. “That led to a 5-7 season. It was just the little things that led to seven losses. Coach Chizik came in and corrected that; and all the guys have their heads up.”

Yeah, it was just the little things — you know, division, not having any semblance of an offense, that sort of thing. You drop off by a few hundred yards here and there, pretty soon you’re going 5-7. It happens.

Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough? With the cash-strapped Big Three automakers pulling their sponsorship of the Motor City Bowl, Little Caesar’s Pizza may be stepping into the void, meaning “We’re gonna probably be known as the Little Caesar’s Pizza, Pizza Bowl,” according to bowl co-founder George Perles. As a Birmingham resident and much-put-upon supporter of the Papajohns.com Bowl, I have but one thing to say: YOU BASTARDS. Can’t you just let us have this?!?

It beat out other mottos including “Bereft,” “Unfulfilled,” and “Empty-Feeling.” Ole Miss’s team motto going into 2009: “Unsatisfied,” taking a commanding lead in the Most Depressing Team Motto of All Time competition. Tip: If it sounds like something you’d circle on a restaurant comment card after a particularly disappointing meal, it probably shouldn’t be your team motto.

The anthem to which the Rebels will be charging into Vaught-Hemingway in ‘09.

Failure to plan means planning to fail. As for the Early Bird Award for Most Absurdly Diligent Scheduling, Oklahoma and Army have won that one in a runaway by agreeing on a home-and-home — in 2018 and 2020. Congratulations, Black Knights, on being the first D-IA program to earn a guaranteed loss in a season that won’t even begin for another nine years.

Now, you go back to doing something latently homoerotic, all right? We’ve already posted Still Life With Shirtless, Oiled Football Players and Lamborghini, the curious poster Tennessee is using to arouse . . . uh, interest in the 2009 season, or something; turns out there’s a “making of” video. Go click the link yourselves, pervs, we’re not posting that nonsense here.

File under “Up, Nowhere to Go But.” UCF offensive coordinator Charlie Taaffe is “pleased” with the improvement his team has shown heading into ‘09. Considering that the Golden Knights finished 120th out of 120 in DI-A in both total yardage and first downs, the fact that there has been improvement at all is probably reasonable grounds for pleased-ness.

Twelve-pack? Better go ahead and make that a case. Scott Wolf compiles every single college football game that will be on TV opening weekend. If you can look at this and not devise a way to remain laid out on your coach from noon straight through midnight on September 5, you’re not really trying.

Got that? Did you count up all the things that looked wrong? Good, now check the answer key after the jump and let’s see how you did:

1. It’s all about Sandra Bullock. Not that the woman Bullock plays, Leigh Anne Tuohy, wasn’t an integral part of the story Lewis told in his book; she worked as hard as, if not harder than, anyone to lift Michael Oher up out of poverty. But she wasn’t the main character in the book; she looks like she’s going to be the main character in the movie. And that probably means that . . .

2. We’ve got another white-woman-saves-poor-aimless-black-people story on our hands. You could, if you were so inclined, condense The Blind Side down to that very cursory description, and to some extent film adaptations can only ever be stripped-down, USA Today versions of the books on which they’re based, but still, The Blind Side was so much deeper and more complex than that. We could’ve gotten at least an attempt at translating that complexity to the screen, but instead it looks like what we’re going to get is a lot more along the lines of Sandra Bullock being, in the words of Jack Donaghy, “Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.”

3. The “You threaten my son, you threaten me” scene. Is my memory of the book completely faulty, or did that never actually happen? Someone telling Mike Oher to “sleep with one eye open”? What are your cheap gangsta theatrics doing in my peanut butter?

4. The use of The Fray’s “How to Save a Life” in the first part of the trailer. Of the grown men I’ve known who have ever expressed any affinity for that song (or The Fray in general), all of them fell into at least one of two categories: a) Guys who had at least circumstantial evidence against their heterosexuality and b) guys who played it on their guitars so they’d look brooding and sensitive enough to pull in chicks. I’ve kind of gotten off topic here, but the point is The Fray has no place in any film that purports to be about sports.

Bright spots? Well, Quinton Aaron looks suitably mountain-sized to pass as Michael Oher (no mean feat), and Sandra Bullock is smokin’ hot as a blonde. And there’s always the cameos by Saban and Orgeron to look forward to. (Window treatments FTW!) Otherwise, it looks suspiciously like we’ve got some heavy football movie/chick flick miscegenation going on here, and the outlook, as the Magic 8-Ball might say, is not good. We’ll have to save the final verdict for November 20, of course, but this grand jury is still prepared to at least hand down an indictment.

Cross-posted at Hey Jenny Slater.

(Hat tip/blame: Senator Blutarsky, gouging out his eyes as we speak.)

You know good and well we could have run this photo unaltered and no one would’ve known the difference.

In Thursday’s review of Watchmen, EDSBS Senior Film Critic Sketch Diddlepants wrote:

“Dr. Manhattan is a glowing superhero who spends much of his screen time showing off his iridescent blue penis …”

This did not refer to Dr. Manhattan or Watchmen, and was instead incorrectly cut and pasted from a review of Tim Brando’s new off-Broadway one man show, “Brando: The Naked Truth.” We regret the error.

Last Friday’s Tennessee guest column “Goddamn You Dave Goddamn Clawson” suggested that the ousted Tennessee offensive coordinator was successful in his former position as head coach of the Richmond Spiders because “Division I-AA isn’t actual football”. Further research on the part of our editorial staff has revealed that the success of the Spiders was due in large part to the repeated and thorough deployment of actual spiders in all gadget plays. We regret the error.

This Sunday’s Crossword featured a clue reading “a three-beat gait/Mark May’s role on College Football Live?” The punny answer is “C-A-N-T-E-R.” “C-U-N-T-E-R” is not a word or a horse gait, though it is a periodically accurate description of May’s work on the ESPN show.

Our regular Monday feature The Week In Steve Spurrier’s Catalog Of Neuroses contained a minor inaccuracy. We reported that the South Carolina head coach was the target of a weekend intervention, as family and friends grew concerned Spurrier was becoming withdrawn and distant and responsive only when speaking of his collection of antique teapots. Coach Spurrier collects tea towels. We regret the error.

On Monday, our Piece “Bodywork” included a piece entitled “The 700 Pound Deadlift: It’s Not Just for Football Players.” This should have read “…It’s Just For Football Players.” We regret the error, and apologize to Steve Slippert of Columbus, Ohio, who is recovering from his injuries at Ohio State University Hospital, and to Emily Garett, whose eye was put out by Slippert’s expelled vertebrae on its flight from his back across the gym into Garett’s eye socket. Hope the EDSBS t-shirts forestall any legal action on your part, and may every day be a Saturday for you!

Tuesday’s report on Rich Brooks’ most recent press conference contained an incomplete item. Our transcript detailed the explanation given by the Kentucky head coach for the dismissal of two wideouts last week (”And they fucking know why, the little bastards”), but neglected to mention that Brooks then stomped from the podium muttering about “those goddamn wasps”. We regret the error.

Thursday’s “Can You Believe This?” piece on Tennessee’s new DUI laws inaccurately stated the following:

A story Monday about the use of ignition interlock devices by people convicted of driving while intoxicated misstated which vehicles are covered by the existing state law. Any vehicle driven by the person required to use the device would have to have the device.

The revised legislation should now read:

A story Monday about the use of ignition interlock devices by people convicted of driving while intoxicated misstated which vehicles are covered by the existing state law. Any vehicle driven by the person required to use the device would have to have the device especially Johnny Majors, who needs one even for his commuter donkey.

We regret the error.

On Wednesday we reported that several BYU players have been implicated in the beating of a female student who had expressed interest in trying out for an open kicker spot on the Cougars’ scout team. The victim, Shelley Morrow, 19, was attacked after vocalizing her desire for a fulfilling career outside the home, but at no time mentioned football. She was treated for a broken collarbone and bruises. We regret the error.

On Friday, The Police Blotter listed a murder suspect as resembling the following:

5′10″ Duck wearing green and yellow, bent on slashing and shooting his way through all he sees until he slays whichever dies first: humanity, or his bloodlust.”

The Duck is actually 5′8″. He remains armed and extremely dangerous, and may be behind you right now.

The suspect seen here devouring a victim’s liver in a police image.

Front:

Back:

Dearest–

Thank you for understanding my yearly walkabout, and for your patience and devotion. Mogadishu is lovely this time of year, as it always is. It’s good to see good friends again, even if many of them have lost limbs and eyes since the last time I saw them.

I will be home after an expedition with my old friends on the Horn of Africa. I have enclosed a picture of the unique collateral I brought with me this time to fund our yearly adventures.

The picture:

We-Are! Being-Held-For-Ransom!

LOL,

Jimmy

ps. “Lost” my passport in Afghanistan please file for a new one love again ly jim

pps. I am going to spank you like a Somali shepard whips a camel when I get home, but only in the loving, consenting way we always do. XOXOXOXO –J.

So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. He was a fat accountant named Stu, and while he was playing pink thermometer for Nancy–er, sorry, “Randy Rita”–he asked me, “Hey, ya think Dennis Erickson lost his touch?”

I thought about it. Maybe he has: just look at Erickson’s dismal in-conference record. The woman’s friend was busy with him while I kept myself in a holding pattern. “The Sun Devils are 1-4 in conference games this year. I mean, that’s just not gonna get it done at ASU!” He agreed with me. Then, ready to go, we hosed those ladies down like angry riot cops and went to the buffet.

(The kids are mine. Donald’s in the Navy because he can’t support them and they’re mine. I can’t help myself. Daisy was like a remora. Twice a day for seven years. Insatiable. Like a she-wolf in constant heat. Don’t judge me.)

I mean, Oregon State’s in line for the Rose Bowl: that’s right, Oregon State, the team that got killed by Penn State 45-14 on the road. I don’t want to downgrade what they’ve done, but that’s not exactly who you’d guess was in the catbird seat, now would ya?

You know what else I you wouldn’t guess? I’m having sex right now with my hairdresser. In drag.

We’re friends with benefits. I get free haircuts, and she gets nine inches of gratitude in multiple, rapid installments. I’ll be done in a second.

RUTHERFORD! B! HAAAAYYYES!!!!

Whew! Where was I? They do have Jacquizz Rodgers, who almost proves that size doesn’t matter. Almost, because it does, ladies. I’m thick like great steak and can use it to roll bread dough. Pants fear me. Sometimes I just drape towels on it not to brag, but because it’s useful. Call me. I’ll ruin you for other men. Ducks. Whatever.

Speaking of the Ducks: talk about perseverance in the face of a curse. They get down to their third stringer at qb and still make it 6-3? Way to make sausage out of shinola, Ducks? Doing the name proud. I used that pride to push through a difficult menage a trois the other night. I was on the ropes, but Chandra and Jessica had to tap out after I caught my fifth wind and put them into submission holds. Oh, yes. Duck is kosher, and still undefeated in the Cocktagon.

I’m sorry. Just one second. I have to finish pleasuring the maid. Ludmila, lift your leg, sweetie.

HERCULES! P.! BUTTERWOOOOOOORTH!!!

God, thats’s refreshing. How bout that Stanford? Jim Harbaugh, you’ve got them at 5-4 and looking at a bowl. That’s a great rebuild job, dude. Man, anyone can win this conference! Hey, you. Yes, you. Meet me in the back of the hangar in two minutes. I’ve got to pick up Mr. McD in fifteen minutes. I can have you barrel rolling in four. Let’s do the math together in two. Any landing’s a good landing, and judging from those support hose, you’ve had a few crashes in your day. I’ll bring you home in one piece, baby. Trust me.

Don’t forget about Cal? Anyone trust them to show up for two games in a row? Not this guy!

Rubbing our whiskered chin, let’s revisit history here…Stanford has a toxic, staphylococcus-infested couch…time passes…then Stanford suddenly not only beats USC, but then the following spring USC comes down with an outbreak of jock itch so crippling it actually sidelines players? Jim Harbaugh bows to no man or bacterium. Let the conspiracy theories begin.

A powerful high-caliber recruit who shot into the starting lineup as a left guard on the 2006 national title team, Ronnie Wilson will be reinstated at Florida as a walk-on on the defensive tackle position*.

Wilson, who spent over a year away from the team following an incident where the lineman discharged an AK-47 in a downtown Gainesville parking lot**, aims to help the Gators reload on the defensive line. The d-line will need significant firepower this season to assist a secondary still reeling from being shot to pieces by opposing quarterbacks in 2007. Wilson, a 6′4″, 310 pound former starting guard, could provide some substantial fire along the line, though there is a firefight of competition surrounding the spot.*** He’ll have to acquire all the skills d-lineman need: looking down the barrel of an onrushing offensive lineman, shooting the gap, and strafing through blocks in rapid-fire fashion to bring down his target.

Given the current state of Florida’s defensive line, we predict Wilson will rise with a bullet to the top of the depth chart!**** Go Gators!*****

*Really? Reeeeeeeeally? Agog. Agape. Not with surprise, but with disgust, since we sort of expected him to be back on the team in November of 2007. By that standard, we should be happy, if that “standard” didn’t mean “bitter sarcasm,” and it does.