From SN Today’s profile of Joe Cox: his favorite attribute is his hair, the skill he wants most is a good putting game, and one of his favorite movies is Anchorman. This means he’ll get this joke when we say: it’s the pleats, Joe.

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AP–LOS ANGELES. The Jackson family said they were moved by Lane Kiffin’s tribute to Michael Jackson yesterday in a formal statement issued through the Jackson family publicist.

“From one active recruiter of 13 year olds to another, we thank Coach Kiffin for his moving tribute to Michael’s work with youth,” read the statement. “We certainly appreciate it in this trying and difficult time, especially from someone so busy. Sincerely, the Jacksons.”

Kiffin could not be reached for comment, as he currently has his arm caught in a snack machine on the Tennessee campus.

Monday’s cooking segment “In the Kitchen with the Texas Tech O-Line” contained several factual inaccuracies.  Contrary to stated remarks by left tackle Brandon “Mankind” Carter, it is not possible to become pregnant by ingesting whole quail eggs. Also, mussels that do not open when steamed can in fact cook through and are safe to eat. We regret the error.

A clarification is needed for a quote in Wednesdays’ “Spring Practice Capsules.” We quoted Steve Spurrier improperly due to a typographical error. The quote should have read:

We just fiddle around the wishbone in practice. It’s not for game situations, just something for the guys. The wishbone is strictly for the guys.

We apologize for any offense the gay community may have taken at the implications of the typo as it originally appeared in the piece. The wishbone is a football offense open to both straight and gay football players, and has no preferences no matter how many dive penetration jokes you make. We regret the error.

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Last Friday’s “Where Are They About To Be Now?” feature reported that Tennessee sophomore Gerald Jones will spend his summer vacation in a traveling production of Avenue Q, to improve his agility and lung capacity. Jones will be featured as The Count in the more kid-friendly Sesame Street Live. We regret the error, and reiterate that the Jones family does not condone puppet sex in any form.

Ah-ah! [thunderclap]

Monday’s post entitled “Bret Bielema Shreds!”, we reported that Bret Bielema uses old karaoke tracks to provide the background for his series of moving interpretations of popular songs. He in fact constructs the song himself with MIDI instrument tracks, and then uploads them carefully at the end of a long day. We were accurate in reporting that his favorite track is “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog, because he gets to sing both parts.

Monday’s Better Know Your SEC Snack Foods mistakenly reported that gunpowder, a key ingredient in any crawfish boil, was invented by the Chinese in the tenth century.  (more…)

Until this week, I worked 14 hour days at a Russell Athletic plant outside of Tegucigalpa, Honduras. It was brutal work: paid substandard wages, abused by adult overseers, and forced to do repetitive work without variation for months at a time. I want you to know that it was difficult for a youngster like me to bear.

That is, if I wasn’t tough as shit and didn’t have the ballingest life a kid in any country could ever have! (more…)

[SCENE: KELLY AND TODD'S HOUSE. Game night. They have invited JIM and BOB over for a game the whole family can enjoy because Trivial Pursuit is only fun for smart people.]

Bob: So, how does this work?

Kelly: Okay, Bob and Jim. In the fun-for-everyone game of Cranium, the final round is decided by one question we determine at random with a roll of the die.

Jim: Sounds easy enough. And familiar. (more…)

See, John Parker Wilson stands at a bar at Bourbon Street, and he’s wondering what to drink. There’s a lot of beers, see. Tons of them. There’s Abita Amber, Abita Turbo Dog, Bud, Bud Lite, Corona, Coors Light, Harp, Guinness, PBR. So many options! He’s just about to decide, he’s looking, he promises he is and he’s looking….he reaches his bruised arm into his pocket to get money.

The bartender asks: “What do you want?”

And in the moment, just when John Parker Wilson is about to decide, he is tackled by three defenders wearing Utah jerseys. They take his money and mock his bangs before heading to Pat O’Brien’s to drink Hurricanes until their eyes cross.

Oh, go ahead and laugh and lean back in your chair and lean back on that most Alabamian of nostrums, “There ain’t no answer for power football.” There is: tt collapses in the face of more powerful football played to nasty precision fueled by a level of infectious anger that, to the disloyal objective viewer, had to convert you to rooting for the Utes by the second quarter.

Award Utah a fourth of the national title. This is not 2004 Utah, a team that turned a fluffy schedule and a victory over a palsied Pitt team into an undefeated season. Utah beat 5 ranked teams and embarrassed the SEC West champion. They did not lose a game this season. They had a defense that dealt out harm to all they faced and boasted one of the more accurate quarterbacks in the nation. They beat people with spread-option tactics executed with wishbone brutality.

If you want more from a team, you’re either unreasonable, a total flaming asshole, or both. In lieu of a playoff, we have to resort to fractions, and to be fair: one fraction is just as good as another.

Therefore, the gold coin of the national title this year will be delved out in pieces of eight. Utes, you get at least a quarter for perfection achieved against quality. This may seem unfair, and it is, but in this most imperfect of college football worlds, unfair desserts are the only dish on the menu.

IN A WORLD where Mike Stoops is not good at football….

[Snow Patrol's "Open Your Eyes" swells in the background]

(….which, let’s face it, could be anywhere…)

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So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. (more…)

A UGA tailgate. The sounds of “Straight to Hell” by Drivin’ and Cryin’ waft over sea of red tailgate canopies.

Georgia fan: Where’d I put my “You don’t need nObama if you got Knowshon” sticker?

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