If we’re playing the Social D, then it’s wrong time…or at least speculative wrong time. A long IM conversation with Russell from Football Outsiders prompted this question: what, if anything, does instituting a forty second play clock do besides put the onus on the officials to spot the ball faster? Even if the take 15 seconds to spot the ball–and watching this laggardly work by an SEC crew in this year’s LSU/Rebels game, that’s fairly brisk–it’s likely a push with the current system. And the more plays bit could come from the variable time that bleeds off the clock while the officials are pushing their walkers around spotting the ball. (Get them some offroad tires on those motherfuckers!)

So the 40 second clock may not be the real problem here, as Russell was quick and correct to point out. We were wrong, potentially, here, if the more logical types we know are correct.

The real-play shaver is still there, though:

“After a player runs out of bounds and the ball is made ready to play, the official will start the game clock. Under the old rules the game clock would not start until the ball was snapped. This new rule will not apply in the final two minutes of the first half and the final two minutes of the game.”

Hrm. it won’t be 3-2-5-e level trimmin’, but there’s some absolute time loss here without the promise of more plays. But that’s not the point here: we jumped the gun here and didn’t do our math correctly. See after the jump for the requisite self-flagellation.

(more…)

There’s cold, then Siberian…then there’s the Absolute Zero kind of cold. This response to the a police dog biting Jerraud Powers along the endzone sideline Saturday is beyond frosty. We need new verbiage for the degree of coldness delineated there.

(We have no idea who did this…but well played, sir. In a ruthless, heartless bastard way.)

We earlier mentioned Jon Chait, Senior Editor at the New Republic, as a candidate for the job of Michigan head football coach. We regret that there were some inaccuracies in the piece regarding Chait and his qualifications, which we would like to clarify with Chait’s own words right now.

From: Jon Chait
To: Orson Swindle
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1:44:38 PM
Subject: You are seriously understating my qualifications to be Michigan ’s next head coach

However, to reiterate, I am not interested in talking about the Michigan job.

We regret the errors. This disavowal of interest only confirms that the editor is, in fact, the current frontrunner for the job, along with Glen Mason, Gary Barnett, Rick Neuheisel, Bill Callahan, Dennis Franchione, Walt Harris, and Rich Kotite. Hey, if you just read that and died, we apologize.

Mistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend’s vagina, but hey, that’s why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we’re getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it’s only when you’re down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you’re down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It’s like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.

Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)

I can feel the lack of trust. It’s OK. This is why I’m going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is… well forget that. Oregon isn’t looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That’s not going to happen again. Oregon’s playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops’ job. I’m sure they can’t wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it’s useless, and by the second half, they’ll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you’re already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.

West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)

The Mountaineers are coming to town and they’re bringing Steve Slaton, the nation’s #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with ‘em. They’ve outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD’s over those 2 games. I’m sure you saw West Virginia’s terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.

Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here’s what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn’t walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn’t walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn’t walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he’s fat. (more…)

This week’s blogpoll draft, put up to get the obvious mistakes charred out of the hide of this beast before submission. Preparation: it’s the new procrastination!

Errors, early apologies, and questions below.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Oregon	1
3	LSU	1
4	Kansas	2
5	Oklahoma	—
6	Missouri	1
7	Connecticut	3
8	West Virginia	1
9	Arizona State	5
10	Boston College	2
11	Georgia	6
12	Southern Cal	14
13	Virginia	10
14	Virginia Tech	6
15	Texas	4
16	Tennessee	—
17	Penn State	9
18	Florida State	8
19	Michigan	1
20	Florida	6
21	Clemson	8
22	South Florida	3
23	Boise State	3
24	Alabama	2
25	Arkansas	1

Errors, queries, other minor tragedies.

Dropped: Wake? Unsure why the first draft doesn’t have them on, other than that we feel the marginal victor of choice in the ACC is not the Demon Deacons but the Virginia Cavaliers. Purdue and Hawaii get no apologies for lack of performance and lack of schedule strength, respectively. BYU gets bumped in the bustle, but Auburn’s the real question mark here. They have the best defense overall in the SEC, and are likely worthy of an edit for inclusion.

Added for dubious reasons: Arkansas, who may be in the poll as a nod to McFadden/Jones alone.

The muddle at the top: The Big 12 dominates the top ten, and we’re suspicious of that clump up there, especially Kansas, who now that everyone has universally acknowledged their goodness will immediately choke–because this is 2007, and we trust no team given a compliment to not let it go to their head and immediately crash and burn the following week.

Oregon at 2 looks like a keeper, though. Their nod over LSU at this point is their snappy, clean offense and discipline, something LSU’s rollicking mess of an offense–talented beyond belief but prone to errors that make things far, far harder than they need be–does not have.

Critiques, invective, and comments below.

Heads had to roll, and roll they did in this week’s blogpoll. In fact, if this were detached head theatre, this would be like the battle scene from Detached Head Theatre Presents: Mean Girls, the Director’s Cut. (The movie ended with a spectacular battle scene with no fewer than 57 decaptitations. Dr. Strangelove originally ended with the world’s biggest pie fight. The editing room floor has claimed much greatness.)

Anyway, outright apologies, errors, and hapless defenses of our poll follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	5
2	LSU	1
3	Oregon	1
4	Arizona State	—
5	Oklahoma	2
6	Kansas	3
7	Missouri	2
8	Boston College	1
9	West Virginia	3
10	Connecticut	10
11	Texas	—
12	Wake Forest	14
13	Clemson	13
14	California	9
15	Auburn	11
16	Tennessee	10
17	Georgia	9
18	Michigan	8
19	South Florida	11
20	Virginia Tech	5
21	Purdue	5
22	Alabama	1
23	Virginia	4
24	Hawaii	—
25	Brigham Young	1

Please take our vote for tOSU at number one as a white flag of surrender. We ran out of reasons not to place them in the top spot this week.

Oregon and Arizona State will shake out soon enough, since they play this weekend in Eugene. (Rudy Carpenter’s banged up–advantage, Oregon.) Kansas and BC are more troublesome in terms of proofing; Kansas v. Missouri will be a pivotal game for both in the last week of the season, but even then you’ve got the confounder of the Big 12 game in there to boost/sink one team dramatically while others sit statically in the poll. Boston College looked shaky versus Virginia Tech, and when the ship starts to list they just keep throwing, throwing, and throwing with Matt Ryan. He attempted 52 passes in Blacksburg; do that enough against a Miami or Clemson through the home stretch, and any quarterback will make a critical mistake.

Clemson looks particularly nettlesome for BC: on the road in a difficult environment, clouds of bourbon wafting off the stands, a dominant run game to grind clock, and a decent enough defense to force Ryan into mistakes.

Florida, g0nz0rz. A defense with the give and tenacity of talc on the hardness chart gets you sent to poll purgatory. Pray for forgiveness and a final spot in the high teens.

Having given UConn the respect they deserve, we now fully expect them to cough up a home loss to Rutgers in return. MAO! Ditto for sentimental fave Wake Forest, who we’ve undoubtedly got too high, but that Jim Grobe just seduces us each time with his pluck and spunk. Plus they can beat anyone in their conference–that helps,too.

The rest, of course, is a total weeping mess. Especially the SEC knots with Auburn, Georgia, and Tennessee, and whatever the hell we’re going to do with South Florida. They’ve become the oversized dinner table of poll: they don’t fit in the living room, but you can’t fit them in the dining room, but it’s too nice to leave out in the garage…it’s a mess. But we admit that, and for our brave ignorance we demand cookies. Shortbread, preferably.

You lose points for lutefisk.

Polling is becoming like composing the UN’s HDI rankings: at the top, you’ve got indisputably happy football people quibbling over the tiniest and most subjective of details.

Norway: We have universal health care and the highest standards of living in the world.

Denmark: Oh yeah? Well, that is a valid point.

Then there’s the middlins, who have one glaring weakness they can’t possibly help, like South Korea’s situation with having a crazy, psychotic, and very well-armed brother just over the fence, or Florida’s dazzlingly talented yet immature youth movement. These are followed by the bottom dwellers of the rest of the top. Think of Hawaii as South Africa: Exotic! Exciting! Awesome relative to its neighbors, but still not punching G8 weight! But have you seen our lions and dazzling gold jewelry!

This week’s abomination is below. One clarification: our ballot below is the corrected ballot, which was not the hasty-as-usual ballot crapped into Brian’s inbox this a.m. that had–among other errors, a rise in Cincy after a loss, a few curious bunches of teams in the same conference, and a vote for ice cream at eight. Because we really, really wanted some ice cream this morning. Again, we remind you:

1. The arrows mean nothing.
2. We fucked up.
3. We’re clearly an ass. Asses. Damn plural first person…

Off with our heads, and on with the ballot…

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	—
2	Oklahoma	—
3	South Florida	—
4	LSU	—
5	South Carolina	—
6	Boston College	—
7	Kentucky	—
8	Arizona State	1
9	Kansas	1
10	Missouri	2
11	California	2
12	Oregon	2
13	Texas	2
14	Southern Cal	1
15	Florida	1
16	Penn State	1
17	Auburn	1
18	Cincinnati	10
19	Texas Tech	—
20	West Virginia	—
21	Tennessee	—
22	Illinois	—
23	Virginia Tech	—
24	Hawaii	—
25	Wisconsin	—

Clarifications, errata, and outright shames.

WHA OK? Yes, Oklahoma. If you wonder what the methodology is, it’s a hybrid of resume balloting and truthiness subject to coffee, mood, and whatever we saw in the intestines of our daily pigeon kill this morning. (Augury–it’s what’s for breakfast.)

Which means that at this point, it’s absolute value voting, and that’s the absolute value we see. Boston College helped this by not trouncing Notre Dame, or even scoring as many points as Purdue did against the Irish. And South Florida could prove us very wrong by running Rutgers over with their Charismatic Fiero of Tampa Bay Area triumph. But for the top ten, that’s our value, with two notable creepers…

The last midgets up the hill. Arizona State may have peaked on the year with this ballot, since they’re both going into the grinding end of their conference schedule. Kansas, though, could pop up a few more spots over the rest of their angel-soft schedule. Their real bid for top 5 comes with a defeat of resilient Missouri and an appearance in the Big 12 Championship game. For an instant, the picture of Kansas in the national title game just flashed across our consciousness. We saw the Eternal Footman hold our coat, and snicker, and in short, we were afraid.

Climbers: Pretty much anyone between the 11-20 spots, really. We think brand name bargains are a-plenty down here, since many are retooling in angry fashion. Texas has begun this process, and we think Florida will do the same. This is the point in the movie where the soft version of the heroic theme song is playing, and they’re working out in montage at the gym like a madman. Or puking their puppet guts up in an alley in a drunken wallow of self-pity (see: USC.)

Texas Tech is always the dark horse in the Big 12, but keep an eye on them for real now that their defense isn’t playing under some exotic curse.

The rest? A glorious mess, of course.

Our Blogpoll ballot for week three. Of course we insulted your favorite team.

BTW: pay no attention to the arrows. They’re corrections of corrections. Onward!

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	Oklahoma	—
4	West Virginia	—
5	California	1
6	Florida	1
7	Oregon	1
8	Texas	18
9	Penn State	2
10	Georgia Tech	1
11	Rutgers	1
12	Wisconsin	1
13	Louisville	—
14	Nebraska	—
15	South Carolina	3
16	Ohio State	1
17	Tennessee	4
18	Boston College	1
19	UCLA	3
20	Clemson	1
21	Arkansas	1
22	South Florida	1
23	Georgia	1
24	Arizona State	6
25	Washington	1

Notes, apologies, blatant admissions.

We fucked up. Again. What you see above is the slightly more thought out blogpoll ballot we resubmitted after our morning meeting, two cups of coffee, and done with a checklist next to us in a methodical fashion. What you will see under our ballot as tallied this morning is a neglectful piece of trash submitted a minute under the wire pre-coffee on our way to a meeting. Therefore: Texas, we apologize, having left you off completely in a hurry.

This means less to Texas than it might to other teams, since we all know how starving for attention and acknowledgment the Longhorn football program is. But if you see our blogpoll ballot and notice the mistake, save the comment and just call us imbeciles as we are. This would be a correct statement.

As seen on TigerDroppings: the Geauxrilla.

Fear the Geauxrilla. LSU is number one by proof this year. Offensively: they’ve demolished a decent MSU defense to begin, and then merc’d Virginia Tech’s defense in week two, allegedly among the best in the nation. Defensively: reduced Sean Glennon to cinders, which is easy enough, but also crushed VT’s run game from the onset. Weaknesses exist–watch their offensive tackles against decent competition for one–but right now they’ve cleaned the most impressive plate of anyone at the buffet.

South Carolina won, but……like all teams that live by the skin of their teeth, their climb will be slow and steady in the polls. We had them overvalued to begin with, so this market correction is less a matter of punishment, and more one of curbing irrational exuberance about their season.

Rutgers, babeee!!! We’ve undervalued them, especially in light of their actually playing defense in the Big East. (Even if they allegedly yell “YOU GOT FUCKED UP!” to Navy. Rutgers, have you ever considered replacing Vandy in the SEC? You’d fit right in.) South Florida nudges in following a win versus Auburn, who may or may not suck completely. Their quarterback literally chucks and ducks at this point waiting for the impact of oncoming rushers.

Bullish on the Pac-10, who erased a daunting slate of competition this past weekend. Cal may be too high, but we’ll happily hop Florida over them provided they beat Tennessee in fair to impressive fashion this weekend. Oregon earns points for properly euthanizing Michigan, who really was in a lot of pain.

The knot of the SEC: The absolute value of Georgia, Tennessee, and Arkansas are all difficult to calculate right now. For all intents and purposes, they’re treading water in this poll and either a.) about to swim, or b.) preparing to drown. If Florida trounces Tennessee, we have this crazy theory that Phil Fulmer will be in serious, malicious trouble. That Nutt guy, though–he could lose by fifty to Alabama and no one would care. Seriously. They love him up there with cuddles and fairy dust and everything.

Dropped: Hawaii. Well, it was Louisiana Tech. Only Mike Dubose loses to La. Tech from big boy football. They didn’t lose, but they needed miracles, and that’s enough (along with TCU’s loss) to frighten us off the upstarts for a week or so. And Colt Brennan only threw for 400 548 yards? DOES HE HAVE CANCER WE WANT TO KNOW?!?!?!

I’ve known señor Swindle since around 1992. I like the guy. Really, I do. But sometimes he needs a little tweaking now and again. On that score, we bring you Orson’s least favorite cheesecake option of all time to celebrate the end of the offseason when we desperately need the weekly distractions. Without further ado, EDSBS’s Friday Cheesecake is the distinctly non-latin, silicon-filled, college football lovin’, Bobby Bowden worshiping Jen Sterger.

(more…)

Ahem. Be prepared to be totally wrong, college football fan. There are no pundits. (Except for Phil Steele. He’s a macheeeeen.)

Why? Because there was no possible way Chris Leak was going to win that game for Florida. None. He’s not that good, and never will be. There’s no anger in saying that, no resentment, and no bitterness. It’s just what he is, a statement made free of predjudice, irrational reasoning, and malice. Off the field, he’s everything you’d want a player to be: polite, a good citizen, and a dedicated member of the community. On the field, he’s Doug Johnson with slightly better wheels, and there’s three and a half years of game tape to prove it.

–EDSBS, 10/15/06. Brilliant stuff, there.

Wait…holy smoking popes. Mike Vick can be found running a Man v. Bear fighting operation in Port-au-Prince and it wouldn’t be bigger than Joe Paterno getting arrested for this. We mean…this is it. This is huge. This is the story that flips the enormous turtle the world rests on upside down, thus flipping the whole universe into disarray. Just…just hold yourself while you read this.

Say it ain’t so, Joe!

Joseph Paterno, of 1245 Palm Bay Rd., was charged with trafficking cocaine after Palm Bay police spotted something being tossed out of the passenger-side window of a car he was traveling in on Monday, reports show. Paterno is being held on a $50,000 bond at the Brevard County Jail in Sharpes, reports show.

First of all, JoePa’s been living a lie. He’s actually 23, thus disproving the zombie theory of his longevity and entering a new variable into the equation: the heartbreak of progeria. This means that there might have been several coaches named Joe Paterno, each cloned from the same proto-Joe who died from the disease somewhere around the year 1949…just as the original Joe was getting his first job coaching. (Manhattan Project connection? Hitler’s brain? They’re all involved, too, but we don’t have time for that here.)

Second, Joe’s facing a mandatory minimum of three years if found guilty, meaning Penn State must find a new coach as in like, now.

Wow. We’re just soaking it all in. This is…what. Joseph Paterno?

Some 23 year-old who’s not… So it’s not…and he’s not the coach of…

FAAAAAAAHCK! We mean: oopsie! Thank God we haven’t posted this yet. Whew! Would that be embarrassing! HA-ha. Wearing the shiny slacks of failure, now that’s what that would be!

(HT: Mike and Run Up The Score.)

Phil Steele is off the press. Without the structure of practices and the watchful eye of coaches, player arrests are mounting. And the low-hanging fruit which are Stewart Mandel mailbags are back on our internets. (Wait… savoring that one… Okay. Stew! Love ya babe!)

Yes, college football is on the horizon. We’re not exactly close, but we’re getting close to the time when it’s close. Fall practices will kick into gear in six weeks. Conference media days won’t be far behind. Preseason polls (for 2008) should be available for perusal any day now.

We. Are. Getting. CLOSE! (Sort of.)

Our nightmare is soon to end, college football fans. Ignore the baby on the ceiling.

Before we get too close, though, and the excitement of it all overwhelms us, Peter Bean and Orson Swindle humbly offer a set of proposals, which we pledge to follow. If you’re inspired to join the Movement and sign with us, there’s more than enough room on the train.

However, as we’re suspicious of any movement that would have us as a member, don’t join. It’s surely disreputable, will cause hives, and will ruin your credit. Fair warning.–O.

Proposed:

1. We will not participate in the Conference Wars. We won’t be shy to look closely at schedule strength in talking about our dear sport and the ranking of teams therein, but we solemnly swear to avoid the tired, generic Conference War Chest Thumping.

2. We will actively abstain from 1=1 thinking/writing. Wins are good, losses are bad. You’re smart enough to figure this out on your own. We’re here for the curly fries, please, and not the standard potatoes you can find anywhere else.

Mmm. Curly fries.

3. We will abstain from constructing an All-American team. Until our requests for film of every game played gets approved by every university, we’ll politely decline the temptation to construct such a list. Truth is, we don’t know. There are better ways to talk about the keepers.

4. We will not break down a Stewart Mandel mailbag. This was a hard one for us, but damnit, we’re drawing the line in the sand. When we fry fish in 2007, we’ll be gunning for dolphins, not minnows, dig? Plus Braves and Birds has already perfected this form, anyway.

5. When referring to a team’s ranking, we will use the BlogPoll. Two years of Beta Testing were enough to let us know that the bloggin’ types pay a lot more attention to their ballots than the jaded, overworked sportswriters. (more…)

Ronnie Wilson, best remembered as the hopefully former Gator lineman who pulled an AK-47 from his trunk to “scare” a man who followed him out of a Gainesville nightclub a few months back, has finally been formally charged for the offense. The tally:

State Attorney Bill Cervone said Thursday that Wilson has been charged with one count of battery and one count of discharging a firearm in public. Gainesville police had recommended Wilson be charged with a felony count of aggravated assault and a count of using a firearm in the commission of a felony.

Don’t blame the nefarious tentacles of Florida boosters for the reduction in charges–blame Florida’s TOTALLY AWESOME and tourist-friendly “Shoot First” law, specifying that a person may “use force, including deadly force, against an intruder or an attacker in a dwelling, residence or vehicle under specified circumstances; creating a presumption that a reasonable fear of death or great bodily harm exists under certain circumstances…”

Wilson, for the record, is 6′3″, 316 pounds. His lawyer better hope the “threat” in the case is big–like, Nikolai Valuev-sized kind of big.

Didn’t you play the part of a Persian in 300, dude?

Wilson is not currently enrolled in classes, but “would like to remain at UF.” Urban Meyer will conclusively kick him off before the judicial hearing in August, and thus assert himself as a disciplinarian! It’s opposite day yay!

Ahem. He’ll totally be back and in the starting rotation by November when he gets his conditioning back. We’re already resigning ourselves to this inevitable and sad fact of having a Lou Holtzian coach. Stop looking at us like that–we suddenly feel…threatened…(reaching in trunk…)

That whole “this is sparta” business?

Um, we retract. Welcome back, Billy. Didn’t mean to kick you down the well just yet.

We’ve engaged in a joint venture with not one, but all of the LadiesDotDotDot crew. Better still, it’s an act of congress with six women our wife approved: a creation of an internet phenomenon involving no penetration or actual infidelity. We’re just that gangsta, ’scro.

The Ladies crew in conjunction with EDSBS have created the ultimate in playbook science: how to make love to a specific kind of sports fan. Since we’re all a little different, you need to know how to turn the corner on a toss sweep of a Volunteer fan’s panties, or turn a routine swipe of the bat into an inning-ending double play with a Red Sox fan. It’s knowledge the world needs, and we’re giving it to you cheap as free, internets dwellers.

The first installment? Our own unveiling of the intimate secrets of: HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN, written by EDSBS Senior Gator Copulation Tactics Correspondent Orson Swindle. Holly and Texas Gal’s guides on how to make love to Texas and Tennessee fans will follow. That’s actual women writing about sex, and not the “women” you chat with on AOL who turn out to be state troopers.

How to make love to a Florida fan. Start by being Good Chris Leak, not Evil Chris.

Again, how you lived without this we’ll never know. Warning: contains sexual language of such a frank and unbridled nature that it would make Trick Daddy blush.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN

Oh, Florida fan. You love scoring, and tonight I will hang fifty on you by halftime and have you begging for more. And that, Gator, will just be the start. (more…)