Mmm. Look at that ass. Makes ya wanna…

…yeaaaahhh. Don’t act like you don’t like it.

Music: BowchikachikachikachikachikaBOWBOWBowchikachikachikachikachikaBOWBOW…

When a shy girl is hungry, and bored with studying…

…who else is she gonna call but…THE PIZZA BOY?

Shy girl wearing Northwestern sweatshirt: “Yes? I’m hungry for something hot. Now.”

DING. DONG.

Shy girl wearing NW sweatshirt: “I’m not wearing pants. Oh, well, I’m so…hungry…”

Pizza Boy: I heard you needed a Meat Lover’s, and you needed it…now.

ANNOUNCER: He’ll give a smart girl all the learning she can handle. She’ll get it back because, beneath his brusque exterior, this scoring machine has no defense to offer up whatsoever. In the end, though, he’ll deliver all the extra sauce she can handle until she’s full, because in this metaphor you’re supposed to figure out that Northwestern will score but can’t possibly keep up with a fully engorged Mizzou team suffering from the blue balls of failed expectations HOLY ENTANGLED CULINARY GRIDIRON SEXUAL METAPHORS.

Rated NC-17 for overextended sexual conceits and violence. THE PIZZA BOY, from Pinkel Sensual Enterprises and Lawn Care, LTD.

Tagline: The only delivery where you beg for the tip.

The Alamo Bowl is on ESPN at 8:00 p.m. EDT tonight. It is family-safe…we think.

So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. (more…)

We review the plan for undefeateds around the nation for the rest of the season, and whether they’ll they’ll limp or roar to the finish line of the regular season. First: Texas.

Undefeated: Texas.

Current aroma: Sexy, leathery, and laced with the smoky edge of a team at full combustion after beating Oklahoma and Missouri back-to-back, with a hint of civet to give them that special note of ass, both kicked and hot.

That which has made them strong: Plaudits fail when discussing Colt McCoy’s accuracy this year: 81.2% on completions for the year, and not always of the easy three-yard sort, either: his high, perfectly thrown pass into semi-double coverage against Missouri to Malcom Williams was no prayer, but instead a laser-guided rocket thrown only where Williams could catch it.

It was a throw over double coverage, the kind of toss you only attempt if testosterone is squirting in whole drops from your eyelids, so balls-out confident are you. Drop as many as you like right now: with Shipley and Cosby quite literally beating people up for an extra three yards per play, you’ll throw into triple coverage if you think it’ll work. (And right now, it probably would.)

Like the other undefeateds, the execution has meant little change in the game plan for victory: pinpoint passing by McCoy opening up the run game for Chris Ogbonnaya, who emerged from the backfield muddle to averge 6.5 yards an attempt and turn the Longhorns into a steady, bleeding gouger of an offense.

The agricultural implement best describing their awesomeness right now: A thresher: steady, filled with blades, and on track barring disaster.

That which might make them weak: Aside from events of near-biblical malice like the smiting of Colt McCoy? McCoy’s likely due for a day when he can’t hit the broad side of a barn, which would mean that the Texas defense–improved to 39th nationally in total defense–would have to tighten up the 111th ranked pass defense. (A stat skewed by having already faced Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel.) The Big 12 comes down to holding serve, and if you miss a few easy drop shots as qbs are wont to do from time to time, then any match can turn into a loss.

Remaining teams who could plausibly do this: Oklahoma State, Kansas, and Texas Tech. Definite and noted advantage over Texas Tech: no need to pull kicker out of stands.

Suggested adjustment to counter innate team weakness: Aside from practicing pass interference penalties, we suggest Brian Orakpo begin throwing entire defenders at opposing quarterbacks. Todd Reesing may not want to see Sergio Kindle thrown through the air at a shrieking Todd Reesing, but we sure as hell want to see this, and if you can power clean 380, heaving a 230 pounder ten feet through the air should be easy cheese for the Texas Beef King himself.

Chase Daniel attempted to say “great grasp” of the game when complimenting friend and rival Colt McCoy, but you know how this whole “talking” thing can get sometimes, especially when Prince starts playing and you get the view of the Heisman assets from the shotgun.

Who says you can’t get away with wearing white pants after labor day? Index along in a moment.

#21 Wake Forest @ Maryland

ORSON, COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. Wake Forest will win because, like Indiana Jones in a fight, they will be punched, kicked, scratched, pushed face-first into something hot, and then the improbably pull victory out at the last second with a field goal, or by a safety, or by Maryland inept’ing there way out of sure victory. Jim Grobe will lose an eye, but his one-eyed visage will be the last thing you see.

HOLLY, ALSO IRRATIONAL BUT WITH CRITTERS. Let’s see, shut out last week by Al f’ing Groh…yep, they’re due. Maryland, recipient of this week’s ACC Roundelay Enjoy It While It Lasts Because It Won’t, Last That Is Tiara. FEAR THE TURTLE.

(more…)

Hi. You know who I am. This thumb’s for you, Colt McCoy, because you’re a champion who takes my breath away and turns in slow motion away from onrushing defenders bent on crushing you. You took the highway to the danger zone but took the exit toward Victory Lane, and for that I’m buzzing your tower and oiling myself up for a one-on-one volleyball game. You’re invited.

No more playing with the boys, Colt: just you and me, a Colt and a Maverick out in the field doing what animals do. I’m bringing this thumb. Let’s role play: this time, you be Sam Bradford, and I’ll be Brian Orakpo and Sergio Kindle.

This is your open thread for the afternoon. We don’t judge you, whatever you’d like to do with or to Colt McCoy and the rest of the magnificent Texas Longhorns, who played the finest game of the year thus far against the Oklahoma Sooners. Boom. Motherfucker.

Jim Tressel was asked about whether the inclusion of Terrelle Pryor at all limited what the Buckeyes could do on offense. The answer, presumably a simple one, instead revealed the soul of a man who both knows his limitations but embraces them as strengths.

“I’m not looking to have the biggest package in the world,” Tressel said. “I’m looking to have the most effective one. Give enough so you apply pressure to the preparation of the defense, but do it well enough so that you’re really applying pressure.”

An assassin like me only needs a dagger, baby.

Remember: winning the Tressel Way means using the most effective package, not the biggest, meaning he never really thought Santonio Holmes was that essential to the offense, and that he’s talking about football…but could be talking about his penis at the same time.

Perhaps you expected something else but I am a man of unexpected expectations. Intrigue is my game. If you expected sexy pictures, you obviously think I’ll have the rap to go with it, the lines, the flow, the standard tired pitch to try to unlock the cookie jar in your pants.

I don’t want to break into any cookie jars, woman. I want you to serve them to me on a plate.

You’re not ready, but here it comes anyway. BAM! Arched eyebrow comin’ atcha.

There’s other men with six pack abs and killer cuts around, I know: it’s a football team. There’s plenty of high-grade man-meat to go around. But that arched eyebrow? There’s cloak and dagger in that, lady. There’s private jets and shadowy affairs in there. There’s a tiger in a business suit driving a Maybach 140 miles an hour on freeway on the way to an assasination attempt in that arched eyebrow.

You know what else is in that eyebrow? A man unafraid to show up buck naked outside your door with a bottle of Andre Cold Duck, some discounted day-old supermarket sushi, and his trusty Sidekick in that arched eyebrow.

Feel it. Don’t be afraid. It might kill, but like a vampire’s bite, it definitely won’t hurt.

[/sentfrommysidekickoutsideyourdoornakedopenplzitsgettingchillyplzhurrythx]

The week’s picks, divided into the quasi-rational and nakedly irrational.

#18 Tennessee @ UCLA

SWINDLE: OPTION: QUASI-RATIONAL. Don’t consider this an endorsement of Tennessee so much as a suspicion that UCLA’s battered offensive line, JUCO starter Kevin Craft, and new offensive schemes will give Tennessee the opportunity to line up a few par 3 touchdowns thanks to turnovers. Tennessee will introduce the Clawfense, which is new itself and will feature spectacular, vurping hiccups. (Option route peekaboo: you run slant, I thought you were going the other way, we give six the other way ROCK.)

In a battle of two freshly molted offenses, though, Tennessee’s got better, less maimed tools to work with here. Our fanfiction ends with UCLA’s defense getting swamped by the offense putting them into untenable, unwinnable positions. Add in the unscoutability of the Clawfense–relatively unseen to this point–and the biggest winners of this game may be the Florida defensive coaching staff, who will have fresh gametape of Tennessee’s brand new dance.

(Oh, and because this is fanfiction, Ron Weasley is over in the corner tagging Hermione while Voldemort watches from his spank chair. That’s happening, too.)

HOLLY: RATIONAL/BLATANT HOMERISM Tut tut, looks like rain. Tennessee: New QB with mileage comparable to an Oldsmobile Alero never driven anywhere except to church on Sundays by your great-great-aunt. (more…)