EDSBS » would you like some sexy beef

April 8, 2008

COACH, THAT’S NOT A PROBLEM. REALLY.

Corwin Brown, Notre Dame defensive coordinator, is doing what every defensive coordinator who doesn’t have the perfect lineup this spring is doing: tinkering, moving pieces around like an interior decorator swings furniture around, waiting for that perfect Ping! arrangment that just screams “sophisticated neocolonial style!” Wait. We meant, “Skull-slamming defensive rotation.” (It’s so easy to get the two confused, sometimes.)

Brown has one guy he’s particularly fond of, and hopes to stay fond of safety Harrison Smith, who unlike previous safety Tom Zbikowski and several coal towns in West Virginia, is not currently on fire. And unlike all those other asshole players he’s coached, Corwin Brown hopes he won’t defecate in his food. Again!

“He’s a hard-working [player], he’s smart, he’s tough. I don’t want to say too many good things about him, though, because he’ll probably poop in my lunch bucket.”

Threat, dare, or invitation? Corwin Brown, after a Notre Dame loss this year, will walk sad laps in short pants and a prep school tie and jacket with a reeking lunchpail, tears welling down his face. Mom! They did it again! For Notre Dame players, this could evolve into a powerful motivational technique for the player on the defense demonstrating the least effort in a game: the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.

Chunky is the disappointment of bearing the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, i don't have time for this shit, pudding, would you like some sexy beef by Orson Swindle

[ 16 Replies ]

March 25, 2008

FULMER CUP: IT MUST BE YOUR CHICK FLICKS

With the towel, like a gentleman.

Keenan Jones of Hawaii has been arrested and charged with unauthorized entry into a motor vehicle and second-degree assault. The two counts are both felonies, and total seven points for Hawaii in the Fulmer Cup. Seven, you ask? Why add a bonus point on top of the three points a piece for the felonies? As usual: style, sir, sheer inescapable style, brought to this case by the inclusion of some low-quality PPV pr0n.

A court document on the latest charges noted “the catalyst” for the domestic problems between the two stems from Jones allegedly using the woman’s cable provider to rent 13 porn movies resulting in a bill of over $300.

Lady, you don’t understand: this is how the deal works. Keenan gets porn, you pay for it, and when you complain about it, I shut a door on your toes and break two of them, because your bill must be mistaken. And those charges must be from your chick movies like August Rush and shit, because everyone knows porno is free–you press a button and it just shows up there on the tv. Amy Adams, though…damn. That girl can play Keenan’s cello anytime. Or share the couch with me when I crack out the butter churn and get to work on the couch, which I would do with a towel under my ass just like a gentleman would. That’d be some positively Enchanted shit there.

Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Mid Major Conferences, Rules? We don't like your...rules., sprained cerebrum, the 'bone, true love, virility, would you like some sexy beef by Orson Swindle

[ 18 Replies ]

March 5, 2008

MUSTACHE OF THE DAY: ROGUE BLOGGER

Bearded lunatic no more: we’re our own Mustache Wednesday today.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Filed under: Mustaches, damn that's smooth, lolrus, would you like some sexy beef, your worst nightmares by Orson Swindle

[ 45 Replies ]

January 24, 2008

FULMER CUPDATE: EROTIC CHICKEN + BEER = ARREST

Resisting arrest with zest: Ole Miss.

DA REBBAH DONE–wait, wait. We can’t do the Orgeron voice when it comes to Ole Miss stories anymore, can we? He’s moved on to the Saints to coach their defensive line, meaning we fully expect to see Ed himself crashing double teams when he suits up in an attempt to psych his troops up next season. Watching a man blow both ACLs at once will never have been as festive, ami!

Instead, we’re left with the sadness of an Ole Miss team coached by the merely insane Houston Nutt. They make their debut in the Fulmer Cup with the arrest of safety Jamarca Sanford, who refused to leave the parking lot of Night Town, a billiards club, the kind we hate because it’s loaded with douchebags who, if you come within ten feet of them, give you the death glare and ask you “hey hey HEY! Little room at the table, here!” (See: Twain’s, Decatur, GA, for another of these.)

Apologies, Minnesota Shats–we’ll just be over here moving the cue ball with our minds, causing you to miss shots by fractions of an inch. Perhaps Jamarca hates these places, too, and just wanted to fight–or perhaps he was mesmerized by the menu offerings at Night Town. Erotic chicken might make us feisty enough to get arrested, too.

Fried Mushrooms - basket of ’shrooms served with ranch dressing. These ain’t the mushrooms that’ll get you to that Rocky Mountain high… But they’ll get you damn close. $4.50

Cheese Sticks - mozzarella cheese sticks served with marinara. Hung like your boyfriend but tastes twice as good. $5.00

Potato Skins - Potatoes, taken out back and stuffed to the brim by the capable hands of young Cuban ladies… topped with melted cheese and bacon bits, served with sour cream. $4.50

Chicken Tender Basket - hot, sexy chicken tenders and fresh-cut french fries served with your favorite spread of mouth-watering sauces. “NightTown… the most erotic chicken in Oxford.”

They watch ‘em on 8mm? Now we totally want to hang with the owners of Night Town. It’s a rare breed of gentleman that breaks out the double-reel for his porno, sir.

Oh, and two points for Ole Miss in the Fulmer Cup.

Erotic chicken cant u see, thoughts of pretty u and me.