Ladies and gentlemen, leave it to Dan Savage to turn even the twisted mind of Lewis Grizzard on its end:

I recently visited the University of Georgia in Athens, where the kids asked me to come up with a dirty meaning for “between the hedges,” which is their football stadium’s nickname. Off the top of my head, I said, “The boy in a girl-boy-girl three-way could be described as being between the hedges.” But upon further reflection, I think the term is a better description of going down on a woman with a particularly hairy bush—and the tongue, not the boy/girl doing the tonguing, is “between the hedges.”

Lewis would approve, if his marital history is any indication of his fondness for going between the hedges. (Or perhaps not, actually. Refusing to play home games between the hedges could shorten a marriage by a considerable margin.) Looking around the rest of college football, there’s certainly promising territory.

Death Valley. If an LSU fan hasn’t already called her vagina this, we’ll eat a bowl of driveway gravel, because you know “scoring in Death Valley” is low-hanging fruit for the degenerate minds of LSU fans.

The Big House. Oh, that’s not kind.

The Swamp. Too easy.

The Shoe. Kind of a rugged endearment for it, but sure.

Home of the 12th Man. Now we’re talking! Wait, whaaaa…

(HT: JCCW.)

Ladies, shield your ovaries.  Gentlemen, cling fiercely to your wives lest they be led astray by its weapons-grade babymaking prowess.

Programming note: Swindle is flitting about the Metro ATL area like an overly excited, be-fauxhawked schoolgirl and I’m typing through a haze that makes me wish Prohibition had never been repealed. Here is some highly subjective and illogical soothsaying. Game thread up a little later. Go cure cancer.

#23 Pittsburgh @ Connecticut

HOLLY, FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN LOLZ: The Wannstache is a master of his craft.� His craft is finding ways to lose juuuust enough games for no reason to make us all ignore him, then start winning just to piss us off. Pitt finds itself somehow sitting pretty at 8-3, and none of you had any idea, did you? Be that as it may, this is still the team that lost to Bowling Green.� Oooh, and Rutgers (and yes, we are very sorry we weren’t around for Mike Teel’s one-man show last night).� McCoy runs thisaway, Brown runs thataway, and this one’ll come down to whoever can kill enough of the clock in Q4. Huskies for the upset.

Navy vs. Army

HOLLY, INDIFFERENT (BUT PATRIOTIC, YOU BETCHA): Both teams can run. Both teams can also defend the run with relative ease. Neither one has had to pass, or had much success when trying all season.� Navy’s on a five-game streak against Army, but for the first time in a very long while the Black Knights (someone important please name our actual Army the Black Knights, all of it) ain’t that bad.� Navy, by force of habit.

#17 Boston College vs. #25 Virginia Tech

HOLLY, READY TO JETTISON THIS ENTIRE G-DAMN CONFERENCE INTO THE OCEAN FOR WHICH IT IS NAMED: We were tossing around the idea of taking a field trip to the ACCCG, purely because we were betting on getting prime seats somewhere in the $4.50 range and being able to drink ourselves stupid on television. You know what?� This game isn’t even worth watching for the novelty factor.� Pass.

Washington @ California

HOLLY, ONLY HALF-JOKINGLY APOLOGETIC: Look, we pick ten games and there’s not a whole lot in the way of choice this week.� Would you rather read about Western Kentucky-Florida International’s impending barnburner?� Me too, actually. Oh, and UW has this one chance to avoid going winless on the year, and it’s not a very good chance, because they are terrible. Fin.

#5 USC @ UCLA

HOLLY,� CAREFREELY MIXING METAPHORS: Palmam qui meruit ferat, lawyas. This’ll be fun.� USC’s taking their home jerseys to the Rose Bowl, shrugging off the two timeout penalty like it’s nothing, but in their defense, that’s only because it is nothing.� They will roll; they will roll large; Bruins Nation will lose their collective shit, again, and we will snicker at their righteous indignation for hours while sipping a variety of delicious cocktails. Yes, the football monopoly in Los Angeles is over, Bruins. It’s really more of a theocracy these days, and your graven idol is cardinal and gold.

It is to laugh!

#20 Missouri vs. #2 Oklahoma

HOLLY, HOOKING ‘EM: Mizzou.� Please?� I mean, we’ve seen this number once before this year, right?� Scary-ass Big XII South team stumbles badly against a slightly less well-regarded opponent? They can stop the run, can Mizzou, and Sam Bradford guarding torn ligaments in his spare hand might scorch the earth just a little bit less than he would at full strength (that’s assuming he can even hang onto the snaps this week).� Chase, buddy, you pull this one out and they’ll be carrying you through the streets of Kansas City on a P’Zone-encrusted pillow.� Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Arizona State @ Arizona

HOLLY, GRASPING AT MAYBE THE ONLY REMAINING STRAW WE HAVE: [to be read in your best In A World Guy voice]� In a season of madness….in a time of change….only one man….only one law…..stands between the forces of logic….and the destruction of all. we. know.� MIKE STOOPS.� LOSES FOOTBALL GAMES.� Rated PG-13.� Starts Saturday in selected desert stadia.

South Florida @ West Virginia

HOLLY, IN NO WAY PLOTTING A MORGANTOWN COUP FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF FIRING BILL STEWART, THEN PEACEFULLY SURRENDERING TO THE AUTHORITIES WITH THE SATISFACTION OF A JOB WELL DONE: Any AFC loyalists in the house? Got, say, a New England fan in your life who continually crows about how terrible the conditions are at Gillette and how that somehow makes his team superior because geography dictates they occasionally play in snow? I hate that shit.� Tomorrow, though?� It’s going to be 20ish degrees at kickoff in Morgantown, and that’s an edge West Virginia will desperately cling to if they know what’s good for them, because if there’s one thing Bill Stewart could fuck up better than everything else he’s fucked up this year (WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING), it’s Pat White’s curtain call.� Things work out best for the Mountaineers lately with White operating as shadow-coach, so just enjoy your Ovaltine, Stewie, and let darling Pitty-Pat’s little legs power you through to an eight-win season that should’ve been at least eleven.� YOU FUCKING USELESS CRETIN BOBBLEHEAD REBOUND BITCH.� [deep, calming breaths]

Happy trails, sweet warrior.

#13 Cincinnati @ Hawaii

HOLLY, CHEERING FOR ORANGE BEAR/CAT HYBRIDS OUT OF REFLEX:
We’re fairly baffled, still, as to why this game is even on the schedule, but TOP SCORE to whoever’s responsible on the Cincy end for getting those poor kids out of Ohio in December (and down to Florida in January, come to that).� Also, they will trounce Hawaii, and it will not matter, even to Hawaii, who has already accepted an invitation to the Hawaii Bowl Hawaii Hawaii.� Hawaii.

#1 Alabama vs. #4 Florida

HOLLY, PRETTY RATIONAL CONSIDERING THE CIRCUMSTANCES: So here come the only worthy contenders, nearly unbloodied after a season in bat country, to face their first and only real test of the year.� I’m taking the Gators.� They haven’t blinked or flinched since that unfortunate Giggitying in September, haven’t been caught sleepwalking once, which is more than I can say for the Tide even though they’re the undefeated squad. Nothing save that one Ole Miss game has been remotely close, all year. In their eleven victories,� they’ve outscored their opponents by an AVERAGE of thirty-seven (37) points.� And while the competition hasn’t been the stiffest, what should scare Tide faithful is how much time Florida’s had to workshop this machine all year. When you’re up five scores it leaves plenty of spare minutes on the clock to tweak, experiment, and hone your freakshow war engine to whiplash perfection.

(All the same, I’m still cheering for the meteor.� Which ain’t all that farfetched, since the last time Swindle was in the Georgia Dome, this happened.)

Texas A&M @ #2 Texas

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Sorry to make an afterthought of you, Agros, but the question here isn’t a Texas win or loss, but a Texas win blowout-y enough to maintain its eensy BCS lead over Oklahoma or not.� Still worried about the ‘Horns run game?� They can leave it at home, thanks to A&M’s very gracious (91st-ranked) pass defense.� Light ‘em up, Battle Cattle.

Grateful for: My veryown Daddy, for teaching me to recognize a 4-3 defense and how to grip a football before I had the training wheels off my first bike.

ORSON, DOING MACK BROWN TWO-STEP. If there is a crack, Mack Brown will be up between the sticky buttocks with a fierceness that will shock and astonish those who have never seen the politician in full attack mode. As much as we’d like Texas A&M to extend the dominion of Barlorath, the 5-headed visigoth spirit who rules the last three weeks of the season with a bloody sceptre and orders barked through a platinum megaphone, and disturb the Longhorns’ claim to a national title slot, the Longhorns are in resume mode. Snap to, Slothrop: them bombs is comin’ down hard and fast all day. The Aggies electoral map shows massive landslide for Senator Brown.

Grateful for: My dog, who holds down the couch with authority.

WFV @ #25 Pitt

HOLLY, WOOOOOOOOORATIONAL: VENGEANCE IS, Y’ALL!

This is the grudge match of the season, right’chere. “Pitty”Pat White will pad his QB rushing yards lead, couches will tremble, and the—wait, what? What do you mean, “Bill Stewart still works there”? Like, as a coach? Of the football team? Oh, man. Oh, they’re fucked.

Grateful for: Erik, JL, and their precious baby girl, my only family in California. (Even though they’re Penn State/Ohio State loyalists. Love knows no conference.)

ORSON, TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. Wannstache loses game they should have won: check. Wannstache should, by rule, demonstrate competence this week and win…unless the plan involves a counterintuitive collapse late, which with all this winning that’s been going on around Pittsburgh seems oddly logical.

Fighting this impulse: the Bill Stewart factor, which is like the Wannstache factor, but with worse clock management and a mustache. Take the Wannstache, because in the battle of which blind pilot’s landing this plane, we’ll take the guy who kind of looks like a swingin’ 70s Eastern Airlines air jockey.

Grateful for: The good people at TSN, who pay me to write about running and vomiting at the same time.

UCLA @ Arizona State

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Kevin Craft cannot throw a pass further than 7 yards down the field with accuracy; after the sticks, his passes might as well be paper airplanes. Arizona State puts their miserable season to an end with a satisfying final bullet against UCLA, who’s had it worse than poor Rudy Carpenter–and he’s the guy whose body is almost entirely made of spackle and bondo at this point.

Grateful for: Ole Miss beating Florida, which awakened some kind of latent awesome gene in them, thus turning them into world-beating ass barons this year.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: No one particularly understands how Rudy Carpenter is still alive (it would be foolish to discount the theory that he died in week 4 and it’s all being done with sticks and mirrors). Luckily for Rudy and any small children watching, while UCLA’s pass defense is quite serviceable, their sacks record is not.

Grateful for: The Edison, my personal mothership and the creepsome-freak-happiest place on earth.

#22 Georgia Tech @ #11 Georgia

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: After their oddly inept showings against Florida and Kentucky, I’m all kinds of done predicting Georgia will step up, particularly against GT’s stealthily excellent rushers (fourth in the country. Fourth!).� The Dawgs will prevail, but only because they have to, and I don’t see them doing so in a particularly skillful fashion.�� You’re better than this, Georgia.� Act like it.

Grateful for: Gymnastics blooper videos.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. We’re actually thinking one of Georgia’s best quantities–Rennie Curran–could be a total liability in this game, as he’s so fast and aggressive that Tech’s three-card-monte option game could have him running past plays in pursuit of men who no longer have the ball. The other worry for Georgia: Tech’s defensive line, a truly heinous unit that turned a bad Miami offense into slobbering zombies in under a quarter of work. 6′7″ Michael Johnson will bring back the sun when he decides to, young man. Georgia, but only because you have just a teensy bit more talent than Tech does on the scoring side of things.

Grateful for: My mother, who doesn’t flinch when I say motherfucker.

Auburn @ #2 Alabama

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Auburn’s offense.

Alabama, because rockets should go further than two feet, and as Georgia Tech’s offense has shown, having an antediluvian offense is no excuse for poor execution.

Grateful for: The city of Atlanta, the home of chicken-fried surrealism.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL AND BOARDING UP WINDOWS: Alabama has the talent differential, the coaching acumen differential, and the totally bitchingest proprietary fabric pattern differential working in their favor. Auburn, though…Auburn’s on the side of the angels. We’ve been toying with this idea like a particularly spiteful ball of yarn for a couple weeks now, but admit it: Tide fans aside, you want to see Auburn notch that crucial sixth win in Tuscaloosa. You have to. It makes no sense to think that they will, mind…but it’s crazy not to want it.

Grateful for: The Sports Night 10th Anniversary box set.

#4 Florida @ #20 Florida State

ORSON, LITERIRRATIONAL: Urban Meyer in rivalry games has a special knack for channeling the seventh century B.C. poet Archilocus:

My one great talent lies in making
those who wrong me suffer horribly.

As far as the poetry on the other side goes:

As he is not half as eloquent as his classmate Archilocus, Bobby Bowden loses the battle of poetry and that of the gridiron, because simply by being the coach of his designated other, he must suffer the wrath of Meyer and his team of mach 5 Lilliputians. To the pain, Florida.

Grateful for: The Economist subscription my in-laws get me every year. It is the only thing standing between my brain it becoming a tasty gel-like substance served on toast points at parties.

HOLLY, LOSING INTEREST: Whatever video game the Gators have trapped the bulk of their competition in since, oh, September, they might want to ratchet up the difficulty level just to keep us interested.� Florida State will be of no help in this regard. Bring on Bama already.

Grateful for: Shark Week.

Baylor @ #7 Texas Tech

HOLLY, BAWWWWWWWWW LOOKIT: There are some bears that are not to be feared.

Grateful for: My mother, who while still not over last year’s post-Florida wagering “incident”, has at least stopped yelling about it every time anyone mentions The Internet. And for never telling my dad about it.

ORSON, WEARING BLACK SUIT. Look away. Nothing to see here. That screaming is a drill. No, wait, that’s screaming. Fire? No idea what you’re talking about. That’s merely swamp gas reflecting the glow of the full moon. Bodies? They’re just sleeping. If you could look into this light, please, you’ll soon understand that this wasn’t so much a game, but a release of great anger and pressure upon a hopelessly outmatched opponent [FLAAAAAAAAASH!]

Grateful for: LSUFreek, Holly, and Donnie, without whom this site would be infinitely poorer than it already is in every way.

Kentucky @ Tennessee

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. We expect Randall Cobb to show his best game as a starter here, and to be unleashed hell in cleats next year. What the hell: Kentucky, because both teams are a push on defense and because Tennessee’s offense remains so horrendous its black cloud of suck is altering weather patterns in North Carolina.

Grateful for: Coffee.

HOLLY, RESIGNED: I don’t know. I really don’t know about this one. I can’t name a single genuine gamebreaker in blue and white, but will it matter? Also there’s this. Dammit, man, your name had “Claw” in it! We trusted you! More importantly, you could’ve had the greatest pantheon of nicknames in the history of college football, had you managed to, y’know, coordinate an offense. Oh, what might have been.

Grateful for: Eric “Jesus Football Christ” Berry, Britton “BAC” Colquitt, Nick “Tell ‘em, Nicky-Steve” Stephens, and all the rest of Tennessee’s once and future gamebreakers.� Heads up.

#23 Oregon @ #17 Oregon State

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. Even without Jacquizz Rodgers we trust Oregon State to win because they’ve stolen Tommy Tuberville’s close game mojo, cobbling together winning scores from one TD a game and a magic grab bag of safeties, field goals, defensive scores, and whatever else he can turn into points. The Coupon Team of the West Coast makes it three in a row over the Ducks for your improbable Pac-10 champions, the Oregon State Beavers. Beaver. Heh.

Grateful for: Someone giving me a copy of P.J. O’Rourke’s Holidays in Hell.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Oregon State, for the sole reason that a USC-Penn State Rose Bowl would be the sleepiest bloodbath.

Grateful for: Herr Swindle, for giving me a very large platform upon which to call Tennessee AD Mike Hamilton a goatfucker with ever-increasing frequency and ardor, and for telling me, “Write whatever you want, whenever you want”, and meaning it.

#3 Oklahoma @ #12 Oklahoma State

HOLLY, TREPIDATIOUS: If Oklahoma plays like they’ve been proving they can, there’s not a whole lot Gundy & Friends will be able to do to stop them.� Fine. What we’re all really looking ahead to is the horrorshow scrum to follow as the Big XII South teams are reduced to BCS dependency to get them into their own conference title game. SEC East Ghost of Seasons Past (You Know, When We Were Good Too) nods knowingly and extends a sad fist bump. Courage, gents.

Grateful for: You lot.� No, really.� Yes, Bammer/Barner threadjackers, even you.� Especially you.� It’s like having a buncha them pet fish that fight, or a playroom full of toddlers that can drink and talk back, which is to say you are all unbridled joys, each in your own way.

LOKI, JUST BEIN’ LOKI. WOULD NOT IT BE A FUN IF YOU HAD DE SOONERS LOSE DIS GAME! JUST LIKE LOKI’S FINEST WORK, WHEN HE FOULED UP ALL SWEDES UNDERWEAR WITH THE POWDER MAKING THE UNSTOPPABLE ITCH! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!

UNFORTUNATELY THE LOKI IS BUSY FILMING CAMEO IN NEW WAYANS BROTHERS MOVIE “THAT ASS WHICH IS SO STANK,” THE TALE OF THE BROTHERS BORN WITH BLACK BODIES BUT WHITE ASSES WHO MUST HIDE THEIR SECRET IN ELABORATE AND THE FUNNIEST OF WAYS. OKLAHOMA STATE, WE SEEING YOU NEXT YEARS!!!

Grateful for: TCOAN, the greatest boss anyone could ask for. The beatings will continue until morale improves, and we’re fine with that as long as you use the rubber hose, and not the claw hammer. Unless we ask specifically for the claw hammer, that is.

So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. He was a fat accountant named Stu, and while he was playing pink thermometer for Nancy–er, sorry, “Randy Rita”–he asked me, “Hey, ya think Dennis Erickson lost his touch?”

I thought about it. Maybe he has: just look at Erickson’s dismal in-conference record. The woman’s friend was busy with him while I kept myself in a holding pattern. “The Sun Devils are 1-4 in conference games this year. I mean, that’s just not gonna get it done at ASU!” He agreed with me. Then, ready to go, we hosed those ladies down like angry riot cops and went to the buffet.

(The kids are mine. Donald’s in the Navy because he can’t support them and they’re mine. I can’t help myself. Daisy was like a remora. Twice a day for seven years. Insatiable. Like a she-wolf in constant heat. Don’t judge me.)

I mean, Oregon State’s in line for the Rose Bowl: that’s right, Oregon State, the team that got killed by Penn State 45-14 on the road. I don’t want to downgrade what they’ve done, but that’s not exactly who you’d guess was in the catbird seat, now would ya?

You know what else I you wouldn’t guess? I’m having sex right now with my hairdresser. In drag.

We’re friends with benefits. I get free haircuts, and she gets nine inches of gratitude in multiple, rapid installments. I’ll be done in a second.

RUTHERFORD! B! HAAAAYYYES!!!!

Whew! Where was I? They do have Jacquizz Rodgers, who almost proves that size doesn’t matter. Almost, because it does, ladies. I’m thick like great steak and can use it to roll bread dough. Pants fear me. Sometimes I just drape towels on it not to brag, but because it’s useful. Call me. I’ll ruin you for other men. Ducks. Whatever.

Speaking of the Ducks: talk about perseverance in the face of a curse. They get down to their third stringer at qb and still make it 6-3? Way to make sausage out of shinola, Ducks? Doing the name proud. I used that pride to push through a difficult menage a trois the other night. I was on the ropes, but Chandra and Jessica had to tap out after I caught my fifth wind and put them into submission holds. Oh, yes. Duck is kosher, and still undefeated in the Cocktagon.

I’m sorry. Just one second. I have to finish pleasuring the maid. Ludmila, lift your leg, sweetie.

HERCULES! P.! BUTTERWOOOOOOORTH!!!

God, thats’s refreshing. How bout that Stanford? Jim Harbaugh, you’ve got them at 5-4 and looking at a bowl. That’s a great rebuild job, dude. Man, anyone can win this conference! Hey, you. Yes, you. Meet me in the back of the hangar in two minutes. I’ve got to pick up Mr. McD in fifteen minutes. I can have you barrel rolling in four. Let’s do the math together in two. Any landing’s a good landing, and judging from those support hose, you’ve had a few crashes in your day. I’ll bring you home in one piece, baby. Trust me.

Don’t forget about Cal? Anyone trust them to show up for two games in a row? Not this guy!

The week’s picks, divided into the quasi-rational and nakedly irrational.

#18 Tennessee @ UCLA

SWINDLE: OPTION: QUASI-RATIONAL. Don’t consider this an endorsement of Tennessee so much as a suspicion that UCLA’s battered offensive line, JUCO starter Kevin Craft, and new offensive schemes will give Tennessee the opportunity to line up a few par 3 touchdowns thanks to turnovers. Tennessee will introduce the Clawfense, which is new itself and will feature spectacular, vurping hiccups. (Option route peekaboo: you run slant, I thought you were going the other way, we give six the other way ROCK.)

In a battle of two freshly molted offenses, though, Tennessee’s got better, less maimed tools to work with here. Our fanfiction ends with UCLA’s defense getting swamped by the offense putting them into untenable, unwinnable positions. Add in the unscoutability of the Clawfense–relatively unseen to this point–and the biggest winners of this game may be the Florida defensive coaching staff, who will have fresh gametape of Tennessee’s brand new dance.

(Oh, and because this is fanfiction, Ron Weasley is over in the corner tagging Hermione while Voldemort watches from his spank chair. That’s happening, too.)

HOLLY: RATIONAL/BLATANT HOMERISM Tut tut, looks like rain. Tennessee: New QB with mileage comparable to an Oldsmobile Alero never driven anywhere except to church on Sundays by your great-great-aunt. A new offense that center Josh McNeil describes as “really complicated”. (Josh McNeil, you will recall, is not dumb.) And somehow…are those…safeties? In orange?? UCLA: Three-fourths of a working quarterback, combined, a set of Norm Chow schemes that will take weeks, if not a season to hone, and not one player with a prayer of running past our D-line. Advantage: Vawls.

Kentucky @ Louisville

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL Snack-sized Tony Dixon has a massive game, Kentucky wins, and Steve Kragthorpe adjusts ballcap, stares impassively towards godless, unforgiving sky. Dicky Lyons had a dream he had to fight his fiancee to the death, and when he woke up, he thought that she was still a better contest than the challenge of beating Louisville’s secondary, who made Florida’s look “almost competent” in comparison last year.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL-ISH Mildcats, per conference bias and Randy Sanders turning out to be an all-right quarterbacks coach. Where’d he pick that up?

#20 Illinois @ #6 Missouri

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL: Missouri. Outside of CB Vontae Davis, Illinois’ defense took a relatively laissez-faire to defending the pass last year, and that was with a schedule whose most intimidating passer was…oh, wait! That was Chase Daniel, who hadn’t even seen the glowing orb around Jeremy Maclin indidcating he was the impact player yet when Illinois lost 40-34. llinois stayed in this game last year thanks to Missouri turnovers and still lost; at a neutral site with Daniel at qb and no Rashard Mendenhall to hog possession, Missouri wins despite Juice Williams looking better than one might think Juice Williams has a right to, frankly.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL Chase Daniel in a shootout, despite being a contemporary of Martin Van Buren, because it’s easy to win a shootout when Illinois brings knives.� To the gun fight.� See what I did there?

Michigan State @ Cal

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Cal. No one’s talking about them, they’re operating without the slightest whiff of interest from the press or rabble, and this means we are all woefully incorrect about them. Also, Dantonio didn’t start Jehuu Caulcrick, who was huge and therefore entertaining. Actions must have consequences.

HOLLY: IRRATIONAL Cal, in a squeaker that won’t speak well for the head-scratchingly competitive Pac-10.� I watched an eminently beatable Nate Longshore pick apart Tennessee a year ago; he can only have settled the fuck down.� Right?

#24 Alabama @ #9 Clemson

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Alabama. We now reach into the UNO deck and pull out the “Tommy Bowden Flip” card: what are the expectations? Massive success? Flip that, take its opposite, and you lose your turn in the process. We just think Alabama’s going to win for reasons that go no further than a bet on Clemson to come through completely on expectations is a bet for defeat.

HOLLY:� IRRATIONAL Bama.� Because fuck Clemson, that’s why.

Arkansas State @ Texas A&M

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Texas A&M. Karma for not changing their team name to “The Arkansas State Meth Lab Explosion.”

HOLLY: IRRATIONAL I’m going AK State, by virtue of them being a) a not-bad football squad that no major conference team seems to notice until the game gets uncomfortably close in the second half *ahem*, and b) being unofficially mascotted after last year’s renaming contest as The Arkansas State Hot Springs. You’d pay to see a mascot squirt boiling water at opposing student sections. You would, liar.

Florida Atlantic @ #11 Texas

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL: Texas. But not by all that much. The cognitive shortcut most people are taking here is “2007 close scare versus UCF = early season thriller versus small but feisty Florida school > ability not to take bait on upset.” Add in the ineffable lightness of being Howard Schnellenberger and you’re swallowing the spinner bait con gusto. FAU is very, very tough: on the road at Florida last year, they were 28-20 right before the half and had Florida fans sweating the bad sweat at the Swamp. (The good sweat smells of cinnamon and victory; the bad stuff reeks of ass and shame.) They also will be in Texas, will have half as much talent, and will wilt in the fourth quarter as the talent gradient avalanche begins to crush them.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL Texas, but see above re: AK State. Schnelly don’t holler for nothin’, y’all.

Utah @ Michigan

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: Utah. Because we like the deep, well-traveled neurochemical pathways in our brain, like the one where Michigan drops a home opener to a team running the spread offense. It’s almost as comfortable as the one where, against a Florida team in a bowl game, they make us want to give ourself a facial with a belt sander.

HOLLY: IRRATIONAL Utah.� Because Charles Woodson is fat, fat, fat.

#3 USC @ Virginia

SWINDLE: IRRATIONAL: USC, BUT SCARY. Unless we’re talking about an opening series against Arkansas, USC can start the season with stutters, and has. UVA, when not giving Miami the most humiliating and aberrant home loss of their program’s history, likes to play sludgy, inconsistent, and often slow-paced football. We just feel a Groh game in the works: just on the verge of upset, perhaps even nustling its nose in victory’s collar and thinking fine thoughts about what could be…and then a house falls on them.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL USC, due to bringing a football team to Charlottesville.� (No, this is totally rational.� Have you seen UVa’s line?� Is “line” really the word we’re looking for here?)

Hawaii @ #5 Florida

SWINDLE: QUASI-RATIONAL: FLORIDA. Hawaii will be playing at six in the morning their time in a sweaty hellbath of screaming rednecks and the color orange. They will face a team whose talent is inarguably a grade above theirs at every position. The offense they must stop is one of the top three or four in the country even without Percy Harvin starting. Also, they are Hawaii, and they are playing halfway around the world. Boys for Pele, but in reverse.

HOLLY: QUASI-RATIONAL Florida.� Whoever scheduled this game for a noon kickoff ought to be dragged to the Hague.

Oh, excuse me. I should have locked the door. No, it’s okay. You just caught me working out with my shirt off, that’s all. It gets so hot, you know, that I have to take it off or I get the whole thing sweaty. If you’re comfortable with it, I’ll just keep it off.

You don’t mind? I’m pleased to hear that. I like being comfortable with people. Especially a beautiful lady like yourself. Is that…yes, I think it’s Herm�s’ 24 Faubourg, right? Why, thank you, but it’s hard to forget a smell like that…and harder still once you smell it on someone as beautiful as yourself.

Please, don’t blush. You shouldn’t. You deserve more. That’s what I want to talk to you. I know you’ve been hurt by what studs did to you. I know it, because I probably did it to you, too. I don’t want to pressure you, but I can’t stop thinking about you. You know, you don’t even really have to be my girlfriend, but…I just want to know your name.

We could hang out, hook up, or just chill. I’m not usually this forward, but we’re both adults here. I know that you’re not used to a man treating you the way you should be treated. Or, if he did, it only happened, say, 7 out of every 12 times it went down. I promise you that, even if there’s a rocky start, we can do better than that.

I’m good all by myself, but something’s telling me that we could be a force when we’re together.

You’ve got my number. I’ve got yours. Life’s short. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go receive a sports massage. The release it offers my tired muscles is almost unequalled by anything else, except for something a gentleman only shares with the woman he loves, cares for, and holds in his hand like the tiny baby sparrow she is.

Sincerely,

The Georgia Tech defense and Brad Jefferson.

ps. My friend Michael is available, as well. He’s a sensitive poet-warrior who requires a firm hand and a soft heart. I have enclosed a picture of him for your friends to examine.

FYI: He likes open mike night at spoken word and watercolors.

First, I’d like to welcome everyone here today. We work really hard to make a program that everyone can be proud of here at Iowa, and though we’ve had our struggles like any team, we believe you can be proud of that. We’re your team, ladies, and you turning out to see us today and to participate in our clinic is a great compliment. We thank you.

Second, we will be engaging in some serious physical activity today, so note the water and gatorade stands along the back wall. There’s also some bite-size protein bars back there if you need ‘em, but go easy on them. They’re bulky and tend to speed things up, if you know what I mean.

Now. Most other programs like to take advantage of this opportunity to parade shirtless players around like pieces of meat. This is unfair, I think: not only does it cheapen the bodies our players work so hard to build, but it leaves the ladies wanting something more, I think, for their hard-earned dollar than a bunch of guys in their underwear posing suggestively. I don’t like it, and we won’t do it here at Iowa.

I tell you what we will do, though.

Today, we’re gonna give you the chance to fuck the Iowa Hawkeyes.

Now, if you’ll look around, you’ll notice the benches are covered with towels. We recommend you use them, since this is an athletic environment, and the last thing anyone needs here is a dose of MRSA. You’ve been issued Hawkeye lube tubes, each containing Astroglide, an offical sponsor of this clinic. Use them to prevent unpleasant chafing that might affect your performance.

These are elite athletes, ladies, so don’t be afraid to push them. Many of you have been married for decades now, and if you’re like most married people, a hearty nap and a DVD-accompanied buzz job from the Fukuoku 9000 is your sexual Happy Meal. I assure you, our boys are up to much, much more than that. Some of them already have children, in fact! Be sure to test their limits, because unless you’ve been going to Curves pretty religiously, you’ll wear out before they do.

The benches are reserved for simple crouch missionary, which we perform with both feet on the floor here in Iowa City. We believe in five points of contact: the feet, the hands on the bar or on the bench, and of course, the genitals. Technique is key: as the partner, make sure you practice reps with your back flat to the bench, and with just a hint of tuck-under at the apex of the rep. Work with intensity and speed, and we’ll see some results you’ll be happy with, lady Hawkeyes.

Also: female superior is recommended on these benches, as well. Gentlemen, though I know you like to show off, please avoid overarching the back. We need you strong on the field, not injured in training.

Mats on the floor are reserved for rear entry submissive. Remember to watch the knees, which can abrade during vigorous training, and to support your elbows with a good shoulder press to prevent sagging. If you’re not strong enough, employ the Nandi Plow mod, which our S&C coach Chris Doyle will be more than happy to demonstrate for those who need it.

For the more adventurous, we have Olympic cages, ropes, and pullup bars on the far side of the weight room. Remember: we encourage creative training, but also want you to be safe. For that purpose use the condoms provided in bowls around the room for your training.

Two things and then we’re ready!

First: Finish the drill, ladies. But keep it sanitary, if you know what I mean. We use plenty of bleach here already, and need your cooperation to keep our supplies bills down. In football terms: no hits to the head or upper chest, gentlemen!

Second: Gentlemen, I repeat: ASK PERMISSION. We’ve had issues with this in the past.

Okay, who wants to be the first proud superfan? Volunteers? Not all at once, okay? LET’S GO LADIES! Don’t just stand there looking at me! LET’S GO!

Much, much more of her after the jump (NSFWish). Happy leering; see y’all Monday.