Ladies and gentlemen, leave it to Dan Savage to turn even the twisted mind of Lewis Grizzard on its end:

I recently visited the University of Georgia in Athens, where the kids asked me to come up with a dirty meaning for “between the hedges,” which is their football stadium’s nickname. Off the top of my head, I said, “The boy in a girl-boy-girl three-way could be described as being between the hedges.” But upon further reflection, I think the term is a better description of going down on a woman with a particularly hairy bush—and the tongue, not the boy/girl doing the tonguing, is “between the hedges.”

Lewis would approve, if his marital history is any indication of his fondness for going between the hedges. (Or perhaps not, actually. Refusing to play home games between the hedges could shorten a marriage by a considerable margin.) Looking around the rest of college football, there’s certainly promising territory.

Death Valley. If an LSU fan hasn’t already called her vagina this, we’ll eat a bowl of driveway gravel, because you know “scoring in Death Valley” is low-hanging fruit for the degenerate minds of LSU fans.

The Big House. Oh, that’s not kind.

The Swamp. Too easy.

The Shoe. Kind of a rugged endearment for it, but sure.

Home of the 12th Man. Now we’re talking! Wait, whaaaa…

(HT: JCCW.)

Syracuse teammates Jonathan Meldrum,  Bud Tribbey and  Josh White are suffering from an overabundance of charm (and, it appears, free time).  Kindly allow them to share a little of both with you, gentle readers.   Via Messrs. Nunes Magician, we bring you…we’re not entirely sure.

Ladies, shield your ovaries.  Gentlemen, cling fiercely to your wives lest they be led astray by its weapons-grade babymaking prowess.

Programming note: Swindle is flitting about the Metro ATL area like an overly excited, be-fauxhawked schoolgirl and I’m typing through a haze that makes me wish Prohibition had never been repealed. Here is some highly subjective and illogical soothsaying. Game thread up a little later. Go cure cancer.

#23 Pittsburgh @ Connecticut

HOLLY, FOR NO REAL REASON OTHER THAN LOLZ: The Wannstache is a master of his craft.� His craft is finding ways to lose juuuust enough games for no reason to make us all ignore him, then start winning just to piss us off. Pitt finds itself somehow sitting pretty at 8-3, and none of you had any idea, did you? Be that as it may, this is still the team that lost to Bowling Green.� Oooh, and Rutgers (and yes, we are very sorry we weren’t around for Mike Teel’s one-man show last night).� McCoy runs thisaway, Brown runs thataway, and this one’ll come down to whoever can kill enough of the clock in Q4. Huskies for the upset.

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Texas A&M @ #2 Texas

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Sorry to make an afterthought of you, Agros, but the question here isn’t a Texas win or loss, but a Texas win blowout-y enough to maintain its eensy BCS lead over Oklahoma or not.� Still worried about the ‘Horns run game?� They can leave it at home, thanks to A&M’s very gracious (91st-ranked) pass defense.� Light ‘em up, Battle Cattle.

Grateful for: My veryown Daddy, for teaching me to recognize a 4-3 defense and how to grip a football before I had the training wheels off my first bike.

ORSON, DOING MACK BROWN TWO-STEP. If there is a crack, Mack Brown will be up between the sticky buttocks with a fierceness that will shock and astonish those who have never seen the politician in full attack mode. As much as we’d like Texas A&M to extend the dominion of Barlorath, the 5-headed visigoth spirit who rules the last three weeks of the season with a bloody sceptre and orders barked through a platinum megaphone, and disturb the Longhorns’ claim to a national title slot, the Longhorns are in resume mode. Snap to, Slothrop: them bombs is comin’ down hard and fast all day. The Aggies electoral map shows massive landslide for Senator Brown.

Grateful for: My dog, who holds down the couch with authority.

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So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. (more…)

The week’s picks, divided into the quasi-rational and nakedly irrational.

#18 Tennessee @ UCLA

SWINDLE: OPTION: QUASI-RATIONAL. Don’t consider this an endorsement of Tennessee so much as a suspicion that UCLA’s battered offensive line, JUCO starter Kevin Craft, and new offensive schemes will give Tennessee the opportunity to line up a few par 3 touchdowns thanks to turnovers. Tennessee will introduce the Clawfense, which is new itself and will feature spectacular, vurping hiccups. (Option route peekaboo: you run slant, I thought you were going the other way, we give six the other way ROCK.)

In a battle of two freshly molted offenses, though, Tennessee’s got better, less maimed tools to work with here. Our fanfiction ends with UCLA’s defense getting swamped by the offense putting them into untenable, unwinnable positions. Add in the unscoutability of the Clawfense–relatively unseen to this point–and the biggest winners of this game may be the Florida defensive coaching staff, who will have fresh gametape of Tennessee’s brand new dance.

(Oh, and because this is fanfiction, Ron Weasley is over in the corner tagging Hermione while Voldemort watches from his spank chair. That’s happening, too.)

HOLLY: RATIONAL/BLATANT HOMERISM Tut tut, looks like rain. Tennessee: New QB with mileage comparable to an Oldsmobile Alero never driven anywhere except to church on Sundays by your great-great-aunt. (more…)

Oh, excuse me. I should have locked the door. No, it’s okay. You just caught me working out with my shirt off, that’s all. It gets so hot, you know, that I have to take it off or I get the whole thing sweaty. If you’re comfortable with it, I’ll just keep it off.

You don’t mind? I’m pleased to hear that. (more…)

Welcome to the Iowa football ladies clinic everyone. Please, be seated. A few notes before we start.

First, I’d like to welcome everyone here today. We work really hard to make a program that everyone can be proud of here at Iowa, and though we’ve had our struggles like any team, we believe you can be proud of that. We’re your team, ladies, and you turning out to see us today and to participate in our clinic is a great compliment. We thank you.

Second, we will be engaging in some serious physical activity today, so note the water and gatorade stands along the back wall. There’s also some bite-size protein bars back there if you need ‘em, but go easy on them. They’re bulky and tend to speed things up, if you know what I mean.

Now. Most other programs like to take advantage of this opportunity to parade shirtless players around like pieces of meat. This is unfair, I think: not only does it cheapen the bodies our players work so hard to build, but it leaves the ladies wanting something more, I think, for their hard-earned dollar than a bunch of guys in their underwear posing suggestively. I don’t like it, and we won’t do it here at Iowa.

I tell you what we will do, though.

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EDSBS Cheesecake Ambassador kleph contacted us this morning with three words: “Angie By-God Dickinson.” No arguing with the expert.

Much, much more of her after the jump (NSFWish). Happy leering; see y’all Monday.
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