My gun is this big.

A powerful high-caliber recruit who shot into the starting lineup as a left guard on the 2006 national title team, Ronnie Wilson will be reinstated at Florida as a walk-on on the defensive tackle position*.

Wilson, who spent over a year away from the team following an incident where the lineman discharged an AK-47 in a downtown Gainesville parking lot**, aims to help the Gators reload on the defensive line. The d-line will need significant firepower this season to assist a secondary still reeling from being shot to pieces by opposing quarterbacks in 2007. Wilson, a 6′4″, 310 pound former starting guard, could provide some substantial fire along the line, though there is a firefight of competition surrounding the spot.*** He’ll have to acquire all the skills d-lineman need: looking down the barrel of an onrushing offensive lineman, shooting the gap, and strafing through blocks in rapid-fire fashion to bring down his target.

Given the current state of Florida’s defensive line, we predict Wilson will rise with a bullet to the top of the depth chart!**** Go Gators!*****

*Really? Reeeeeeeeally? Agog. Agape. Not with surprise, but with disgust, since we sort of expected him to be back on the team in November of 2007. By that standard, we should be happy, if that “standard” didn’t mean “bitter sarcasm,” and it does.

A little-known fact: we actually attended Georgia Tech and hold a degree from that fine institution. Just back from vacation, we offer up an appropriate evaluation of the hire written in a language we think all Tech grads will agree is a common tongue.

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The Catlab: enter it at your own risk. You may remember the trippy K-State video from a few months back. If you don’t, take some mescaline and stare at a picture of the K-State mascot for five hours, and you’ll get the same effect, only with more vomiting.

More product has emerged from the frightening minds behind the Catlab, and the subject is Notre Dame. They may deny it to the end, but we’re certain that if you could put an antenna up and pick up the film playing inside most Notre Dame fans’ minds, it would look eerily similar to this.

HT: The unstoppable BearMeat.

It’s been a slow news day, but we’ve still managed to have one of the biggest days on the site ever–and the biggest this offseason–because people can’t get enough of D-Mac’s panty-evaporating ride.

So it’s gravy to us to be able to offer you this amazing toy created by the good people who brought you The Game That Ended Your Marriage™, NCAA 2008: the Taunt-O-Gram. It features a tiny cheerleader who, slave to your typing hands, will spell out pretty much whatever you want her to within the span of sixteen letters.

Ragin’ Cajun, who started this whole thing with us, sent this first. Our variations follow after the jump.

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The SEC will convene this April in–where else?–the heart of the Redneck Riviera, Destin, Florida, to discuss topics important to the SEC: academic integrity, the future of amateur sport, and if you really can get a grown man to bite on a hook baited with a blueberry cake donut from the Donut Hole. (Our verdict? Hell, yes.)

They’ll likely discuss money, too. Lots of it. In the hypothetical and real senses of the word. In fact, we have a copy of Bernie Machen’s entire presentation to the collected heads of SEC schools:

That’s likely it for the underlying semantics of the argument: MMMMMM CASH TASTY SWEET CASH. (more…)

10. Current BCS fiasco has created a previously impossible scenario: Michigan fans actively pulling for Ohio State. Coming soon: Hutus for Tutsis, matter colliding happily with antimatter, and dogs living with cats.

9. Outrageous and indefensible voting in human polls only further presses point of eliminating humans from the process altogether. Michigan again doubles funding for Robot Overlord Construction Program in hope of making BCS and weak, fleshy humans obsolete. Lloyd Carr’s brain wants a comfy jar in a robot.

It’s on the way, Lloyd. Weak, fleshy human voters…

8. Hypothetical contrasts highlight UM erudition in flattering way. Pissed-off, highly literate Michigan fans likely to only leave 10,000 word retorts in little read tweedy rags like The New Republic and The New York Times. Ohio State fans, if in same situation, would leave flaming bags of poo on Gator doorsteps.

7. Song Girls will cheer even when you score, Wolverines.

6. Michigan will escape discomfort of dumping Gary Danielson. He’s already, calling, texting, wanting to cuddle and shit…and we just hooked up one night, man. Like, giving us a rash already, dude.

5. PR move by SEC in scheduling to be countered in ‘07 with promotional spot airing immediately after SEC game. Spot will feature Michigan football team crushing rocks with bare hands, making deft catches of cute infants thrown from tall buildings by evil, mustachioed madmen, and disarming ticking bombs seconds before detonation. Soundtrack: Live To Win, by Paul Stanley.

4. Spared soul-wrenching second loss in a year to Buckeyes? (Too soon?)

3. Allowed to satisfy evil quotient for year by rooting against Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian.

2. Will thrill to Florida returning to the site of the program’s biggest, most humiliating, excruciating, and total loss ever, the 6227-24 loss to Nebraska in the 1996 Fiesta Bowl. Former Florida wideout Chris Doering is actually still stuck in the turf of the stadium, having been blocked into the ground by Michael Booker in the late third quarter of the fiasco. He serves as groundskeeping consultant and pens childrens’ books on his laptop under an umbrella the crew puts out for him somewhere around the 32 yard line.

Eyeballs…scorching…

And the number one reason Michigan fans should be happy they’re not in the national title game…

1. Michigan fans will be spared hallucinations caused by staring directly at Barry Alvarez’s tie, who will be calling the title game along with Thom Brennaman and Charles Smith in the booth. Will also be spared Brennaman’s “Troy Smith takes off…the ten…the five…SAFE! The ref says he’s SAFE!”

Every now and then, something in the news cycle that has nothing whatsoever to do with college football breaks but is so important that we feel compelled to let our readers know about it.  Not since finding out that Santa Clause was… well, I can’t even bring myself to talk about that one… anyway, not in a long time has our faith in humanity been shaken to this degree.  We are no longer sure that love exists.  What is it that causes us this angst?  Britinay and Kevin are calling it quits.  The fairy tale is over. 

How can we be expected to vote after hearing this news?

Hosted by My Opinion On Sports this week, we submit our answers to the Blogpoll Roundtable questions of the week.

1. Which coaches are clearly on the hot seat at this point? Who is surprisingly not?

There’s a slew of easy answers, most notably the dead ringer for Uncle Fester whose team clearly forgot the basic tenets of the Geneva Convention against Florida International last Saturday night. The midfield waterboarding of an FIU trainer was simply unspeakable. And involving the wounded in the battle? Clearly against international law. If boosters don’t sack Coker first, Samantha Power will surely be hot on their heels.

We’ll see you at the Hague.

A piece of expired meat on the coaching buffet sorely in need of spotlighting is Mike Riley, a coach who’s lived each degree on the great compass of coaching. He’s gone from being highly coveted to unwanted to back to coveted and now has swung back to extremely, extremely unwanted, a holding pattern for him now that will result in his quiet, inevitable firing following the season.

Riley’s big victory last season over Cal should not impress; the Beavers faced as discombobulated a team as Tedford’s fielded in his tenure there last year, and following their complete use of all talent fuel in the game against the Bears they went on to lose all but one of their remaining games. (And that was over lowly ‘05 Washington, a team whose stank-nasty quotient was only exceeded by lowlier ‘04 Washington.)

The ‘06 numbers don’t exactly change the trend arrow on Riley, either: (more…)