Praise be to Allah and his only prophet Mohammed, and Go Gators. Madame, please cover your hair and go behind that screen. You are making me nervous with your chin and visible mouth. My religion does not approve.

Praise be to Allah that he has seen to give me so many talented teammates, the blocking to keep out infidel pass rushers, and my brother, Brandon Spikes, who crushes those who would oppose our jihad by even considering running up the middle. To Allah all praise is due.

The sword shall fall on Charleston Southern tomorrow. They stand in the way of our holy war against all that is evil in college football. May God mete out the punishment that is due to them, and let their blood water the grass of Florida Field so that its brilliant green may shine into the next week and forever.

We shall take their complex blitz packages seriously, or at least as seriously as you have to take a team that placed third in the Big South Conference last year.

They shall be destroyed, inshallah, before the second quarter’s close. Then I shall sit on the bench and wear a headset while jumping up and down enthusiastically. Let Allah be praised, and let us wreak fiery destruction upon the enemy unto our caliph Meyer’s satisfaction.

Praise to all Albert’s creation, and may God Bless You all, except the infidels here, who shall die in a fiery apocalypse of their own making. Apologies. That’s not really negotiable here.

NARRATOR (V/O): You’re watching “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.” Percy Harvin was one of the most talented athletes in college football history: A five-foot, eleven-inch receiver out of Virginia Beach, he broke records as an all-purpose offensive player for the University of Florida, totaling 32 career touchdowns and helping to revolutionize the role of the wide receiver in the modern-day spread offense. He was drafted in the first round by the Minnesota Vikings and signed a five-year contract worth more than $14 million.

Scene: A classroom in a Florida high school. A dozen or so high-school football players are seated at the desks; PERCY HARVIN, flanked by the high-schoolers’ coaches as well as some of his own former coaches, stands behind a podium at the front of the room.

NARRATOR (V/O): Harvin had a speaking engagement at a high school in Florida to tell some potential Florida recruits about his time at the university and how it prepared him for the NFL, when one of the students asked him a fairly innocuous question.

STUDENT 1: So, like, I know the football program at Florida is one of the best in the nation, but what’s it like outside of football? Do they let you go off and have any fun?

NARRATOR (V/O): As one of Florida’s biggest stars, Harvin was used to making public appearances and giving pat, innocuous answers to the media about practice or upcoming games. As an NFL player no longer bound by the athletic department’s strict rules, however, he felt he had the freedom to talk more candidly about his time as a college student, particularly if it might help “sell” the university to an interested youngster. In other words, Harvin decided to “keep it real.”

HARVIN: Oh, hell, man, Gainesville is a blast. Let me tell you something, brother, high as the football program is ridin’ these days, people on campus know you play ball, you are the king. There ain’t nothing you can’t do down there: Go to bars, go clubbin’ until four in the morning, and the girls — good lord. They jump on you the minute you walk in the door, I mean, if you wake up in the morning and you got less than six girls in your bedroom, you weren’t even trying, son.

FLORIDA COACH (hurriedly): Yes, well, there’s time for socializing and everything, but the strongest bonds you make as a Gator are with your teammates, wouldn’t you say, Percy?

HARVIN: Oh, no doubt. Me and the guys, if we didn’t go out we’d just sit up in someone’s apartment, firing up jays and drinking and playing XBox — man, have you ever played 2K9 on weed? It’s hilarious! Me and Brandon Spikes were going up against each other one night, and he was acting the fool and –

STUDENT 2: They let you smoke weed?

FLORIDA COACH: Oh, no, no, that’s not a –

HARVIN: Let me? Man, they can tell you not to do it, but when it comes right down to it, what are they gonna do, babysit us every second we ain’t at practice? I mean, yeah, there was that one coach who barked at me because I was late to practice and showed up all bloodshot and everything, and I guess I kind of went off and choked him and whatnot, but it wasn’t like anybody was gonna let that get out. Trust me, you keep bringing home those SEC trophies, they’ll take care of you.

STUDENT 3: Can we go back to the girls for a second? Which sororities on campus are the biggest sluts?

HARVIN: Now y’all got your heads in the right place. Check this out: Me and Chris Rainey were driving down the street one afternoon and we saw all the AOPi pledges standing out in front of the house waiting on something, so he leans out the window and yells, “I haven’t seen that many white girls in one place since my . . . ”

FLORIDA COACH: OK, OK, thanks, guys! Thanks for coming . . .

NARRATOR (V/O): After being de-scheduled from Florida’s remaining recruiting visits, Harvin is back in sunny Minnesota, gearing up for his rookie NFL season with last year’s 25th-ranked passing offense. It doesn’t get any realer than the pros.

Scene: A quiet evening at Harvin’s condo. Outside, the weather is gray and drizzly. Harvin is on the phone with the Vikings’ offensive coordinator.

HARVIN: Yeah, you put me in wherever you want, man. Between me taking those direct snaps and then Favre throwing to me on those deep routes, we gonna be in the end zone so much we’ll be payin’ rent, baby. Huh? (pause) He didn’t? He’s staying retired? But I thought he was talking to . . . (long pause) Well, hell, who’s our quarterback, then? (pause) “Tarvaris Jackson”? Who the fuck is that, one of the Jackson Five? (pause) Whatever, man, whatever. Call me back later. I got weekend plans to make.

Harvin hangs up, pulls out a joint, and lights it. He then dials a number on the telephone.

HARVIN: Fuck Minnesota, I’m calling my boys down in Gainesville to see what’s up. I gotta go someplace real.

NARRATOR: Percy Harvin: Once a college superstar, today an ominous reminder of when “Keeping It Real” goes wrong.

FADE TO BLACK

Oh, you might have thought you were just talking about Notre Dame, or Nebraska, or whatever doomed team you were trying to hype into believing they could beat a far superior team. But in reality, Lou, we were all taking a knee and drinking it in like wide-eyed freshmen. Like them, for one fateful instant, we believed.

Now you’re Dr. Lou…which forces us to sing songs of lament and instant nostalgia.

(HT: OPS and Holly on the Holtzfarks.)

God forbid you take a second off that spreadsheet, but if your boss is a Mark May-scale dick and won’t let you take two minutes to watch a fine internet production, listen or download below. Boston Market has a great dinner special for $6.99.

MP3 File

Dear EDSBS,

I’m a South Carolina fan, so I just can’t resist relaxing with a hearty jug of this all-season favorite at the game!

Sincerely, Bobby in Columbia

*****

Dear EDSBS,

Usually, by noon, I’m feeling pretty efflorescent. I think that means “too drunk”. It must, because that’s when I start drinking this:

Takes my efflorescence right off, along with my esophogeal lining. Plus: Safer than Muriatic Acid!

Yours in tracheotomy, Louis from THA U

*****

Dear Fuckface,

GOVAWLS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Troy in Tennessee
*****

Dear sir,

Here in Ann Arbor, our shooter of choice goes down as smoothly as…well, as life!

Very truly, Mitch in Ann Arbor

(For rills, though: Three more months of this until honest-to-Phil-Steele’s-parietal-lobe football, and we’re well and truly racked enough with ennui to implement what will surely be a monumentally ill-advised Wednesday mailbag. Hit me. And before you ask, and speaking of racking, the Property Of Mister Tebow picture is still back there in the archives somewhere, so if you want to see tits go fetch it your ownself.)