That’s our favorite Lil Wayne line ever, though “Smoke weed and talk shit like Lane Kiffin” is now up there. (Scroll to the 1:10 mark or so.)

Kiffin got wind of this, and thanked Lieutenant Vagina Beast on his Twitter feed.

There will be some tut-tutting about this, we’re sure. Fans saying things like, “Do you want to brag about an endorsement from a promiscuous, wealthy midget who openly abuses cough syrup and marijuana?” Sure, why not. It’s as good an endorsement football-wise as one from, oh, say someone like Phil Fulmer at this stage in his life, and certainly pleases the backdoor racist recruitnik. Why, the black rapper likes him? Certainly a young black man will do anything the dreadlocked Drank addict says to do! Well played!

Don’t ever, ever overestimate the public, though. To quote Frisky Dingo: “All Americans want is cold beer, warm pussy, and a place to shit with a door on it.” If someone famous says it’s good, then you should go flock to it, meaning all new recruits to Tennessee will commit by tattooing Lane Kiffin’s name in they mouth. If this sounds harsh, reconsider when you think about what body part Ed Orgeron gets to place his large, forceful inky signature on, and then call Lane Kiffin demanding when you’ve burned that image into your head.

UPDATE! Weezy’s not picky with his SEC references, as Andrew points out here. Tim Tebow gets his name checked around the 2:00 mark.

It’s a busy week in the Fulmer Cup. Vamonos!

Blaine Dalton and how to have a misunderstanding involving beer and hydrocodone. For the moment, Blaine Dalton, Mizzou’s freshman qb of high pedigree and hoopla, has scored a conservatively estimated five points for the Tigers for “suspicion of felony possession of a controlled substance, minor in possession of alcohol, possession of false identification and three traffic charges, including a lane violation and failure to provide insurance.”

We’ll back off the tiny traffic charges for the moment and hold fire as Dalton’s charges may likely be the work of overactive campus police imaginations. From the Columbia Daily Tribune via Bully for Old Mizzou:

“They looked in my car and found an unopened beer in the glove compartment,” Dalton said. “It was warm. I don’t know how long it had been in there. It wasn’t cold and it wasn’t open, and I wasn’t drunk or anything like that.”

“They’re mine,” Wilson said late Saturday night. “I don’t remember the exact date I went to MU to see Blaine, but I had on some shorts with no pockets and I threw the pills in his glove compartment.

Real friends always leave extra pills for you. Alibi or not, Mizzou gets the five for the moment.

Ohio State will now use their mandatory three points for the season. Ohio State maintains a constant low-level presence in the cup. We hesitate to call them a steady performer, but they usually show up for somewhere around three or four points, and usually for something completely innocuous like smoking weed in a dorm room or perhaps the random barfight or two, or perhaps a random DUI by a walk-on running back.
Two points for the Buckeyes are awarded, since it is a normal, run-of-the-mill DUI with a drunk but not spectacular BAC reported.

Aggie DUI Double Dazzles Defenders! Defense attorneys, we mean. Offensive linemen Matt Allen and wide receiver Terrence McCoy each picked up a DUI, which we’ll bundle as a package deal and award five points for in total (two points for each charge, and one bonus for accumulating them like twinsies.)

The “Mobile Vegetable Supply” sign made the police suspicious. We mentioned last week that Marshall had been quiet thus far, thus prompting concerned citizens and Marshall football players to do something about all that lack of trouble by getting arrested for felony drug charges.

According to Cabell County Sheriff Tom McComas, his deputies were patrolling for underage drinking when they spotted a car double parked. Bembry and Marshall were in the car. When they rolled down the window to speak with deputies, McComas says there was a strong smell of marijuana. Deputies then searched the car and found four individually wrapped bags of the drug.

The Thundering Herd stomps up seven points in all–three for each felony charge, and a bonus for doing this immediately after we said how nice and quiet things were in Huntington this Fulmer Cup season. Both are suspended from the team, absences putting a substantial dent in the team’s depth chart: Darius Marshall was a 1,000 yard rusher and the team’s leader in yardage on the ground last year, and DeQuan Bembry was the leader in tackles for loss. Marshall now sits at ten points total after three points from Bembry’s prior arrest in March, and puts the Herd in a very bad spot, indeed.

He’s a good boy. But Cameron Wade neglected to appear in court, and earns FSU one point in the Fulmer Cup.

Note: There are a number of other scores in the SAS Processing Station, but we think we may have scored them and assessed points already. We’ll check on it, but in the meantime we’ll let them stay under the heat lamps a bit longer.

We just assume everyone from Virginia Beach is perpetually blazed, so no real shock there. The same website is also reporting that Brian Cushing and Clay Matthews tested positive for steroids. These are demonstrably false, as we’ve heard nothing like this over the past four years, especially regarding Cushing.

Hawaii: Also Reminding You That You Probably Won’t Get Sexually Assaulted While You’re There. Ball State is probably your true leader at this point thanks to the seven-point indictment of JoPierre Davis, the cornerback whose nine point score just got a lot, lot bigger. That nine? It’s going to get larger, meaning JoPierre’s charges are the sole score for the Warriors, and thus eligible for the Ellis T. Jones award for outstanding achievement.

Now, if someone else on Hawaii gets frisky and decides to begin groping strangers willy-nilly, then we’re talking about an eligible team. However, it’s not fair to put a team in the lead with just one guy pulling all the weight, feloniously speaking. We have to track down which ones of these counts are felonies and misdemeanors, but when the charge “third-degree promotion of a detrimental drug” is a tiny extra on your list of misdeeds, you did something to piss off the D.A. properly.

I’m not a cop ha yes I am funny game that way. Relationships are important. This is why you never let a good weed dealer out of your life, and you never, ever, whore around your pharmaceutical dollar on the streets. Ladi Ajiboye, South Carolina defensive lineman, earns the Cocks two points for attempting to buy weed off an undercover cop, something he wouldn’t have had to do if he just hadn’t let that special if often late person out of his life. Lessons: life will teach them to you, even if you’re too high to remember them at the time.

Your Second DUI Is Just When You’re Getting Good At It. Pitt WR T.J. Porter decided to go a-motoring after having a few old-fashioneds while giving his driver the night off, starting an evening of festive driving in a manner disturbing to most of the residents of Toad Hall. This being his second offense and done on a suspended license (a gentleman cannot be expected to keep up with such details as petty paperwork), Porter was suspended from the team, and given a commoner’s charge of DUI (two points,) driving on a suspended license (one point,) and a bonus point for getting two DUIs in a year and being unfairly martyred for driving whilst in a blissfully relaxed state. Total of four points deeded to the Pitt Panthers. Behave, knaves.

Bayou Brawlin’. Finally, five points to the La. Tech Bulldogs for one felony battery charge, one assault charge, and one disorderly conduct charge in a fight of some sort at Rabb’s Steakhouse in Ruston. As long as the guys didn’t cause the cancellation of Zoso, the Led Zeppelin Experience this coming Thursday, all is forgiven.

Clarifications and Award of Points.

Jamar Hornsby: Synonymous With the Word “Charges” Again. Ole Miss’s prize transfer Jamar Hornsby left Florida after using a dead woman’s credit card for gas money, which could have been a misunderstanding, and let’s just give this young man another chance before stamping him with the official USDA approved “DUMBASS” stamp.

Break out that bit of bureaucratic labeling machinery, please; Hornsby was charged with aggravated assault (Felony, three points) and petit larceny (Delicious French misdemeanor, one point) in a brawl in Starkville, MS this past weekend. Our crack sources* tell us that Hornsby was engaged in a hella nasty lopsided fight resulting in some serious injuries, meaning he was not only malicious but unsporting. (All fair fights with lopsided odds should unfold as they do in kung-fu epics: one at a time, please.)

Thus one bonus point for being a repeat offender along with the four charged points for a total of five points for Ole Miss. After a quiet spell under l’Orgeron, Ole Miss has become a contender in both the season and off-season. GIGGITAH.

It is Huntington, WV. From this week’s Economist:

“Consider the shoppers at the Save-A-Lot supermarket in Hamlin, West Virginia. At the beginning of the month, when the food stamps arrive, they snap up buckets of lard so big that the label says: “Warning—Children can fall into bucket and drown.” The manager, Key-Ray Adkins, shrugs: “People now say lard isn’t good for you. But it’s what we grew up with.”

Hamlin is near the Huntington metro area, one of the unhealthiest in America. Some 77% of adults are overweight; an incredible 46% are clinically obese. Some 13% of adults have diabetes, 22% of those over the age of 45 have heart disease, and nearly half the over-65s have lost all their teeth.”

What with the gurgling cries of children drowning in lard and the crushing noise of the residents cracking sidewalks, why not block out the noise by getting baked in your dorm room or getting hammered in public to cope with the madness? Also, should you engage in illegal behavior, the chances of the morbidly obese citizens catching you on foot is highly unlikely.

If Marshall’s Fulmer Cup offenses could be described as an offensive style, they’d be closest to the late-stage Bill Walsh West Coast offense: short plays where they just get the trouble ball in the hands of playmakers with small charges. It nets them a total of four points here, and reminds us of Marshall’s solid long-term performance in the FC markets. Invest now.

Stricken: tOSU’s points awarded last week for weed possession, as charges have been speedily dismissed by Circuit Court Judge Tressel. Or someone like that.

UPDATE: Hornsby used brass-knuckles on a drive-through employee. He also was not enrolled at Ole Miss, so the points will not count. Hornsby also faces up to 20 years in prison.

* As in, on crack. But they’re all we’ve got.

Now that the legalities are out of the way: while some may brag about moving bricks, Maurice Langston is out there doing it, or was before he was pulled over this past weekend and police found A POUND OF MARIJUANA (a.k.a. “a Larry Bird”) in his possession. He’s being given a relatively modest single charge of possession with intent to distribute, which is a bit like finding someone with a howitzer and charging them with “illegal firearm possession.”

Langston has been suspended from all team activities for the moment, pending the results of the investigation, which should go something like “Hey, what were you doing with a pound of marijuana?” followed by “I was going to smoke some, sell some, and then buy some more” CASE CLOSED. Four points to Mississippi State for the three felony points and one style point, because a pound of weed is commitment to your craft, and we really should reward that.

Incidents, clarifications, and rank inaccuracies follow the board.

Ryan Mallett learns the Arkansas qb playbook. The Matt Jones one, to be specific. Ryan Mallett takes an epic mugshot in his arrest for public intoxication in Fayetteville this weekend, earns Arkansas two points on the Big Board, and gives Michigan fans further reason to crow that losing the blue-chip wunderkind was no real loss, after all, as he’s the kind of guy who will smirk but not outright smile during his mugshot. (The smile indicates you’re just insane; the smirk implies ’smug.’) Bobby Petrino responded by interviewing for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders’ head coaching position. (Score equals one point for public intox, and one bonus point for the mugshot mugging.)

I thought those Shirley Temples tasted odd. Shaun Prater could have given Iowa a mere two points for an OWI on Sunday, but he insisted on chatting with policemen, and chatting with policemen means they start writing the stupid things you’re saying down, and then they end up on the internet for all to see. (There’s a cheaper way of doing this, and it’s called blogging.) When Prater blew a .134, he responded with this perfectly understandable explanation:

Prater told police his bartender �must have put alcohol in his Coca-Cola,� the report said.

That earns him a bonus point for style, and gives Iowa a grand total of three points in the Fulmer Cup. It also marks another sign that the cosmos is working on fresh batteries, as a Fulmer Cup without Iowa is like an orgy without the sad fat guy in the corner that no one will so much as fondle.

Buck-high. Two Ohio State linemen get nabbed with “drug paraphernalia” in their car, a tantalizing charge since we’d love to see the broad definition of what qualifies as “drug paraphernalia” in the eyes of Ohio State campus police: Visine, a reading list from an English major’s classes, a sleeveless t-shirt, or anything else subversive you’d like to go ahead and tell us you have in the car, hippie. Each count gets a point, giving Ohio State two points in the Fulmer Cup and insuring that Ohio State never gets on the board for anything but minor marijuana offenses in the contest for the third year running.

Nebraska won’t make the big board for this, but TE Ben Cotton was cited for having a piddling .085 BAC in a dorm this weekend. That is enough for a single point, not enough to make the board, and certainly more than enough to get at least one coach on his ass in an unholy manner in spring drills. His father, Barney Cotton, is the Cornhuskers’ current offensive line coach, and owner of a striking lipstripe .

USF: Even Our Film Guy Is Leavitt-Intense. USF’s film guy may be charged in an alleged scuffle with a student. No points awarded, but we point this out just to show that if you’re going to work for Jim Leavitt, you’ve got to be ready to strike at any moment at any time for any reason. (Perhaps a reason they’re having difficulty filling the defensive coordinator position: there are so few DCs with cross-disciplinary experience in Muay Thai, Jiu-Jitsu, and Greco-Roman wrestling.)

A bad place to fall asleep is in the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s, which is where Preston Parker of Florida State fell asleep Saturday night. (Bobby Bowden: “He diyud, he diyud…but he’s a good kid.”) Parker was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs,” and admitted to drinking and smoking marijuana.

This leads us to the hilarious disclosure of this delightful piece of police report verbiage:

According to police, Parker’s blood alcohol content below the state’s drunk-driving limit.

However, Parker’s urine sample was presumptive positive for marijuana.

Oh, the endless number of people we could include under the title of “presumptive positive” for marijuana: Percy Harvin, George W. Bush (why the fuck not, sir?), anyone who just shook hands with L’il Wayne, Penn Wagers, Charles Haley, Christopher Buckley…this “presumptive positive” is going to be useful phrasing, as in “Tommy Bowden’s teams at Clemson were usually a presumptive positive for bitch mentality.” Muchas gracias, Tallahassee PD. We’ll honor you by passing out at the driver’s seat in the line at Zesto’s soon.

Oh, and Preston Parker puts FSU at the head of the drive-thru line for the Fulmer Cup with this three point offense: two for the DWI/DUI/whatevs, and one style point for falling asleep while waiting for his McRib.

No, I’m home. Come on in.

“Police” visted the “apartment” of “Penn State football players” “last night.” Whatever they were doing, it led to some stuff being searched, some stuff being taken from the apartment, and some of the vaguest, limited, and narrowly circumscribed reportage ever set to paper/screen. The most meaningful thing from the entire piece:

At least four Penn State Police vehicles were at the scene — a Special Response Unit, two cruisers and an SUV.

There was no violence or struggle, but just in case the local police were coming loaded for bear and in numbers, which ESPN says is evidence Joe Paterno may or may not be running a ROGUE PROGRAM!!! Get me dramatic shots of the campus; a statue of Joe Paterno in focus, and then out of focus; interviews with local columnists who, after three seconds of thought, will make an opinion surprisingly in key with exactly what I want to hear. Get me Jeremy Schaap and his muppet voice NOW!

Do not confuse this with fact, but the fact-like substance floating around about the case is that it’s a combo noise violation and weed complaint sure to draw twice as much fire as it actually deserves in the press. (Touch that any and all “allegedly and possibly inaccurate” sticks as you like.)

Snoop Dogg and Les Miles both admire having balls, no matter where they are anatomically.

We’ll drop a bomb of personal revelation: believe it or not, at one time we smoked weed. During our brief and unhectic time as a stoner, we learned important lessons about ourselves and the world that only marijuana could teach. For instance, we didn’t know we enjoyed Cabin Boy as much as any film we’ve ever seen, or that you can take an entire angel food cake and compact it into a single ball of sugar and egg whites about the size of a softball if you press it hard enough, and that you can eat said ball like some kind of sinister, diabetes-inducing edible softball.

We also, pre-weed, did not realize that couches had souls and names. (Ours was Wally; he vacillated from sadness to happiness at the drop of a hat, and had a penchant for the documentaries of Chris Marker and Brazilian afro-funk. See, non-stoners? You learn things on weed. We bet you don’t even know your couch’s sign. Walter’s? Sagittarius, of course. A rascal, that Wally.)

We never, never got violent in the name of weed. It’s just not that kind of thing, making the arrest of Bowling Green offensive lineman Orlando Barrow even stranger. Appropriately, Bowling Green takes their weed very, very seriously.

Bowling Green Police Lt. Tony Hetrick said investigators are seeking two other men who reportedly broke into an apartment at the Enclave II complex, pointed what turned out to be Airsoft guns at the three occupants, and demanded marijuana.

Airsoft guns fire a small plastic ball hard enough to sting–sting, we tell you! HOW YOU STAY SO GANGSTA, Orlando? As any plan this well-thought out goes, they results were dismal: after threatening to kill the occupants of the apartment and ransacking the place, the three fled. Allen was picked up a short time afterwards, though the two men accompanying him were not, meaning there’s two weed-craving madman on the loose in Bowling Green who will use fake guns in order to get what they want.

We suggest lures of compacted angel food cakes hung as bait to catch the remaining culprits. For Orlando Barrow, however, we give no cake, and instead award seven Fulmer Cup points to Bowling Green for the aggravated burglary and abduction charges. (Three for each felony count, and one bonus point for the genius of their “break in, scream and demand weed, and then run out” game plan.) Bowling Green, keep the fire burning tonight, sirs, and remember that if you’d just stayed home, eaten some chips, and watched Hellboy for the 26th time on DVD, none of this would have happened.

ESPN’s Jim Rome reported Friday on his “Rome is Burning” talk show that the Grand Rapids Rampage are one of two Arena Football League franchises interested in signing troubled LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux, who was dismissed from the Tigers on Friday morning.

Yet that’s news to Rampage officials.

Jim Rome doesn’t really report anything, per se; rather, he says things in a hilariously downpitched voice in between long pauses and pat phrases like “RACK HIM” and fawning calls from listeners read off index cards.

But it’s nice of Brian Van Ochten to take him that seriously. We heard Ryan Perrilloux was going to play first cockracquet for the Moon Team in the INTERGALACTIC BADMINTON SEX LEAGUE. Someone go fact check that immediately. (Press contact for IBSL Vance Duggans, 404-555-1234. He’ll get back to you as soon as possible.)

In the meantime, the Sixty Million Dollar Motherfucking Dollar Man has inspired LSUFreek to new heights.

Run, Little Mac! Run!

This means that Perrilloux didn’t just fail one test, of course: at Florida back in the 90s, Jason Williams failed no fewer than ten tests before he got the boot. We suspect the same range of drug testing leniency applied to the immensely talented AND stupid Perrilloux, as in RYAN WE ARE TESTING YOU IN A WEEK HERE’S SOME GOLDENSEAL AND A JUG OF WATER MIGHT WANT TO USE THESE HINT HINT HINT.

Good luck, sixty motherfucking million dollar man! It was fun knowing you. With Perrilloux, LSU was starting the season at the forty fucking yard line.

Without him, they’re on the 20 with everyone else at best.

Not pictured on the board but making their debut: Boston College. BC doesn’t make it onto the board, but with the arrest of defensive end Brady Smith for on-campus sexual assault (is that somehow worse than off-campus sexual assault?) and breaking and entering, the Eagles earn six points for the double felony charges. Even in their shame, Boston College fans would lie to point out that the six point score is more than the Notre Dame Irish scored against Georgia Tech last year in their opener.

Like Lance Armstrong in an EPO fit raging up the Alpe d’Huez, Missouri continues to pull away from the peloton with expert timing. Austin Wuebbels less than composed traffic stop fumbling earned the Tigers another 4 points this week, proving that when the competition gets close, the Tigers go to the no-huddle and being piling on points daring you to keep up.

Still missing: Florida? Miami? AND FSU? The Sunshine State’s gone soft friends. Blame the kind and benevolent governance of our fabulous governor Charlie Crist, who’s got the economy flaming despite the entire state taking it in the ass in the real estate market. They’re all simply too happy and well-governed to get tasered! (Crossing fingers, looking at the Florida team and hoping everyone’s got their gun locks in the fixed position on their assault rifles.)