Baby Can I B The Worm In Ya Apple Butt?
Now Gon Back It up, And If U Back it Up
I’ll Suck The Front Of Dat Pussy From Da Back Of Ya
And Imma Urban Legend Like A Black Acura

That’s our favorite Lil Wayne line ever, though “Smoke weed and talk shit like Lane Kiffin” is now up there. (Scroll to the 1:10 mark or so.)

Kiffin got wind of this, and thanked Lieutenant Vagina Beast on his Twitter feed. (more…)

This picture and Party Dog have nothing to do with the Fulmer Cup. Please move on.

It’s a busy week in the Fulmer Cup. Vamonos!

Blaine Dalton and how to have a misunderstanding involving beer and hydrocodone. For the moment, Blaine Dalton, Mizzou’s freshman qb of high pedigree and hoopla, has scored a conservatively estimated five points for the Tigers for “suspicion of felony possession of a controlled substance, minor in possession of alcohol, possession of false identification and three traffic charges, including a lane violation and failure to provide insurance.”

We’ll back off the tiny traffic charges for the moment and hold fire as Dalton’s charges may likely be the work of overactive campus police imaginations. (more…)

We won’t argue with Muddy Waters’ formula. Neither did Percy Harvin, according to NFLDraftBible.com.

We just assume everyone from Virginia Beach is perpetually blazed, so no real shock there. The same website is also reporting that Brian Cushing and Clay Matthews tested positive for steroids. These are demonstrably false, as we’ve heard nothing like this over the past four years, especially regarding Cushing.

This week’s Fulmer Cupdate is sponsored by the Hawaii Board of Tourism, who reminds you that if you have to collapse and crawl across a finish line while soiling yourself and stinking of ammonia, why not do it in paradise? It is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Hawaii: Also Reminding You That You Probably Won’t Get Sexually Assaulted While You’re There. Ball State is probably your true leader at this point thanks to the seven-point indictment of JoPierre Davis, the cornerback whose nine point score just got a lot, lot bigger. That nine? It’s going to get larger, meaning JoPierre’s charges are the sole score for the Warriors, and thus eligible for the Ellis T. Jones award for outstanding achievement.

Now, if someone else on Hawaii gets frisky and decides to begin groping strangers willy-nilly, then we’re talking about an eligible team. However, it’s not fair to put a team in the lead with just one guy pulling all the weight, feloniously speaking. We have to track down which ones of these counts are felonies and misdemeanors, but when the charge “third-degree promotion of a detrimental drug” is a tiny extra on your list of misdeeds, you did something to piss off the D.A. properly.

I’m not a cop ha yes I am funny game that way. Relationships are important. This is why you never let a good weed dealer out of your life, and you never, ever, whore around your pharmaceutical dollar on the streets. Ladi Ajiboye, South Carolina defensive lineman, earns the Cocks two points for attempting to buy weed off an undercover cop, something he wouldn’t have had to do if he just hadn’t let that special if often late person out of his life. Lessons: life will teach them to you, even if you’re too high to remember them at the time.

Your Second DUI Is Just When You’re Getting Good At It. Pitt WR T.J. Porter decided to go a-motoring after having a few old-fashioneds while giving his driver the night off, starting an evening of festive driving in a manner disturbing to most of the residents of Toad Hall. This being his second offense and done on a suspended license (a gentleman cannot be expected to keep up with such details as petty paperwork), Porter was suspended from the team, and given a commoner’s charge of DUI (two points,) driving on a suspended license (one point,) and a bonus point for getting two DUIs in a year and being unfairly martyred for driving whilst in a blissfully relaxed state. Total of four points deeded to the Pitt Panthers. Behave, knaves.

Bayou Brawlin’. Finally, five points to the La. Tech Bulldogs for one felony battery charge, one assault charge, and one disorderly conduct charge in a fight of some sort at Rabb’s Steakhouse in Ruston. As long as the guys didn’t cause the cancellation of Zoso, the Led Zeppelin Experience this coming Thursday, all is forgiven.

Your Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Rampage Jackson, who reminds you that black on black crime is acceptable only if it gets his belt back. The board is Brian’s; his pants bulge with a manliness only Reggie Nelson finds comparable to his own.

Clarifications and Award of Points.

Jamar Hornsby: Synonymous With the Word “Charges” Again. Ole Miss’s prize transfer Jamar Hornsby left Florida after using a dead woman’s credit card for gas money, which could have been a misunderstanding, and let’s just give this young man another chance before stamping him with the official USDA approved “DUMBASS” stamp.

Break out that bit of bureaucratic labeling machinery, please; Hornsby was charged with aggravated assault (Felony, three points) and petit larceny (Delicious French misdemeanor, one point) in a brawl in Starkville, MS this past weekend. Our crack sources* tell us that Hornsby was engaged in a hella nasty lopsided fight resulting in some serious injuries, meaning he was not only malicious but unsporting. (All fair fights with lopsided odds should unfold as they do in kung-fu epics: one at a time, please.)

Thus one bonus point for being a repeat offender along with the four charged points for a total of five points for Ole Miss. After a quiet spell under l’Orgeron, Ole Miss has become a contender in both the season and off-season. GIGGITAH.

It is Huntington, WV. From this week’s Economist:

“Consider the shoppers at the Save-A-Lot supermarket in Hamlin, West Virginia. At the beginning of the month, when the food stamps arrive, they snap up buckets of lard so big that the label says: “Warning—Children can fall into bucket and drown.” The manager, Key-Ray Adkins, shrugs: “People now say lard isn’t good for you. But it’s what we grew up with.”

Hamlin is near the Huntington metro area, one of the unhealthiest in America. Some 77% of adults are overweight; an incredible 46% are clinically obese. Some 13% of adults have diabetes, 22% of those over the age of 45 have heart disease, and nearly half the over-65s have lost all their teeth.”

What with the gurgling cries of children drowning in lard and the crushing noise of the residents cracking sidewalks, why not block out the noise by getting baked in your dorm room or getting hammered in public to cope with the madness? Also, should you engage in illegal behavior, the chances of the morbidly obese citizens catching you on foot is highly unlikely.

If Marshall’s Fulmer Cup offenses could be described as an offensive style, they’d be closest to the late-stage Bill Walsh West Coast offense: short plays where they just get the trouble ball in the hands of playmakers with small charges. It nets them a total of four points here, and reminds us of Marshall’s solid long-term performance in the FC markets. Invest now.

Stricken: tOSU’s points awarded last week for weed possession, as charges have been speedily dismissed by Circuit Court Judge Tressel. Or someone like that.

UPDATE: Hornsby used brass-knuckles on a drive-through employee. He also was not enrolled at Ole Miss, so the points will not count. Hornsby also faces up to 20 years in prison.

* As in, on crack. But they’re all we’ve got.

There’s some debate as to whether this counts in the Fulmer Cup: Maurice Langston had just transferred into Mississippi State as a JUCO recruit, and hasn’t played a down for Mississippi State, and isn’t on the two-deep. However, Langston was an early enrollee for 2009, and if he was enrolled may be eligible for Fulmer Cup points. This announcement brought to you by the Law Firm of Pfister, Phoc, and Drulin, the official law firm of Swindle Industries, LLC., and Mystikal, who reminds you that you lawyaz don’t know ’bout that purple weed.

Now that the legalities are out of the way: while some may brag about moving bricks, Maurice Langston is out there doing it, or was before he was pulled over this past weekend and police found A POUND OF MARIJUANA (a.k.a. “a Larry Bird”) in his possession. He’s being given a relatively modest single charge of possession with intent to distribute, which is a bit like finding someone with a howitzer and charging them with “illegal firearm possession.”

Langston has been suspended from all team activities for the moment, pending the results of the investigation, which should go something like “Hey, what were you doing with a pound of marijuana?” followed by “I was going to smoke some, sell some, and then buy some more” CASE CLOSED. Four points to Mississippi State for the three felony points and one style point, because a pound of weed is commitment to your craft, and we really should reward that.

The weather and cabin fever prior to spring practice can only be blamed for the psychobilly freakout that occurred this weekend in an active Fulmer Cup scoring session. The Big Board is updated and brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Incidents, clarifications, and rank inaccuracies follow the board.

Ryan Mallett learns the Arkansas qb playbook. The Matt Jones one, to be specific. Ryan Mallett takes an epic mugshot in his arrest for public intoxication in Fayetteville this weekend, earns Arkansas two points on the Big Board, and gives Michigan fans further reason to crow that losing the blue-chip wunderkind was no real loss, after all, as he’s the kind of guy who will smirk but not outright smile during his mugshot. (The smile indicates you’re just insane; the smirk implies ’smug.’) Bobby Petrino responded by interviewing for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders’ head coaching position. (Score equals one point for public intox, and one bonus point for the mugshot mugging.)

I thought those Shirley Temples tasted odd. Shaun Prater could have given Iowa a mere two points for an OWI on Sunday, but he insisted on chatting with policemen, and chatting with policemen means they start writing the stupid things you’re saying down, and then they end up on the internet for all to see. (more…)

There’s good places to take a nap in public. We prefer the chairs some kind retailers put out for sad husbands to hold down while wives or girlfriends browse clothing and suffer minor cycles of breakdown/affirmation. It’s a bit like going to community theatre; if it’s dark enough, you can nod off comfortably while your significant other passes through the entire dramatic cycle in ten minutes over a single pair of pants.

A bad place to fall asleep is in the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s, which is where Preston Parker of Florida State fell asleep Saturday night. (Bobby Bowden: “He diyud, he diyud…but he’s a good kid.”) Parker was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs,” and admitted to drinking and smoking marijuana.

This leads us to the hilarious disclosure of this delightful piece of police report verbiage:

According to police, Parker’s blood alcohol content below the state’s drunk-driving limit.

However, Parker’s urine sample was presumptive positive for marijuana.

Oh, the endless number of people we could include under the title of “presumptive positive” for marijuana: Percy Harvin, George W. Bush (why the fuck not, sir?), anyone who just shook hands with L’il Wayne, Penn Wagers, Charles Haley, Christopher Buckley…this “presumptive positive” is going to be useful phrasing, as in “Tommy Bowden’s teams at Clemson were usually a presumptive positive for bitch mentality.” Muchas gracias, Tallahassee PD. We’ll honor you by passing out at the driver’s seat in the line at Zesto’s soon.

Oh, and Preston Parker puts FSU at the head of the drive-thru line for the Fulmer Cup with this three point offense: two for the DWI/DUI/whatevs, and one style point for falling asleep while waiting for his McRib.

Washington State finally breaks Troy’s iron grip on the Fulmer Cup with a two point marijuana charge for freshman defensive lineman Anthony Laurenzi. Laurenzi was arrested last week for carrying under 40 g of weed and for possession of paraphernalia, and has been suspended for all team activities as a punishment. Meaning that in the meantime, you know, he’ll just hang around and chill and…um…relax naturally.

No, I’m home. Come on in.

Words: they can be vague. From LA Now.

“Police” visted the “apartment” of “Penn State football players” “last night.” Whatever they were doing, it led to some stuff being searched, some stuff being taken from the apartment, and some of the vaguest, limited, and narrowly circumscribed reportage ever set to paper/screen. The most meaningful thing from the entire piece:

At least four Penn State Police vehicles were at the scene — a Special Response Unit, two cruisers and an SUV.

There was no violence or struggle, but just in case the local police were coming loaded for bear and in numbers, which ESPN says is evidence Joe Paterno may or may not be running a ROGUE PROGRAM!!! Get me dramatic shots of the campus; a statue of Joe Paterno in focus, and then out of focus; interviews with local columnists who, after three seconds of thought, will make an opinion surprisingly in key with exactly what I want to hear. Get me Jeremy Schaap and his muppet voice NOW!

Do not confuse this with fact, but the fact-like substance floating around about the case is that it’s a combo noise violation and weed complaint sure to draw twice as much fire as it actually deserves in the press. (Touch that any and all “allegedly and possibly inaccurate” sticks as you like.)