While you’re analyzing the wonders of the new Michigan offense…consider our corrections. We regret the error.

Monday’s profile of Dan Hawkins erroneously reported that the Colorado coach is growing out his hair in the offseason to more closely resemble the school’s mascot, Ralphie the buffalo. Hawkins assures our editorial staff that he merely enjoys the sensation of having his locks braided each morning by cartoon birds. We regret the error.

Tra la motherfuckin’ la.

On July 14th, we described Columbia, South Carolina as being “as butt-nasty as the rattiest corners of Zombieratville Corners, Incorporated Hell, Hell, Hellsylvania, People’s Republic of Hell That’s Right We Really Live in Hell, Motherfuckers.” We apologize to the citizens of Zombieratville Corners for the unflattering comparison, which was unfair. We regret the error.

This week’s Offseason Injury Report stated that several Wake Forest players were hospitalized following an aborted attempt by Demon Deacons head coach Jim Grobe to summon an actual demon, the lesser god of Hell Bes, for a demonstration of proper blocking technique. The shadowy figure in the scrying circle was actually offensive coordinator Steed Lobotzke. We regret the error.

No jumping offsides with this little guy across the line.

In Tuesday’s Crossword, the answer for number 4 Down, “Pam Ward,” was correct. However, the clue was not, and was missing an important definite article. It should have read: “What ESPN announcer was a collegiate champion in weightlifting, specializing in the 69-75 kg snatch.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s report that Ohio State’s Jim Tressel leads Division I active head coach in Median Sideline Bubble Diameter was incorrectly sourced. A spokesman for Tressel states unequivocally that he has never engaged in such a joyful frivolity as blowing bubblegum. We believe him, and regret the error.

Thursday’s look back at 2007, The Season That Was, noted that former Appalachian State safety and Wolverine slayer Corey Lynch owes his translucently pale and delicate skin to a childhood spent locked in the attic of his grandparents’ manor. Lynch’s mother has since contacted us to assure the world her son is not in any way related to the Cory of V.C. Andrews’ infamous Flowers in the Attic, and merely possesses a naturally alabaster complexion. She then excused herself without allowing us to question her further, explaining she had left a pot of hot tar on the stove. We regret the error.

Last week’s news wire ran an item from Reuters stating that Colombian politician and activist Ingrid Betancourt was freed from captivity by Colombian soldiers. New photographic information suggests that her release was orchestrated by a lone hero, whose photo appears below.

More information as it becomes available. We regret the error.

Monday’s Weekend Legal Wrap reported that Kentucky coach Rich Brooks had been spotted last week striding into the U.S. Supreme Court to deliver an impassioned argument against overturning the Washington, D.C. gun ownership ban. (more…)

Monday’s report that former South Carolina head coach and current television analyst Lou Holtz is being questioned by police following the death of a woman in his employ contained an inaccuracy. Brandii Shawn Baytes, 29, who had served as Holtz’s assistant in his offseason career as a traveling magician since March, died from massive external hemorrhaging, not internal. We regret the error.

For my nextht trick…

On Thursday, our interview with former SEC commissioner Roy Kramer contained an inaccurate quote that requires immediate correction. The printed exchange should have read as follows:

RK: The best part about being SEC Commissioner? The blood. Oh, the rivers of sweet, sticky blood.

The excerpts in bold should be replaced with the word “relationships I developed over thirty years of hard work.” We regret the error. Deeply.

Wednesday’s Curious Index reported that Tennessee defender Eric Berry (more…)

Monday’s “The SEC East, Astronomy, & You” feature misidentified a celestial phenomenon seen blazing through the skies over Orlando last week.  The object reported as “[Florida safety] Kyle Jackson still encircling our planet in a torrent of flame following the Capital One Bowl” was, in fact, an early Perseid meteor, although one that seems to share Jackson’s poor choice of tackling angles.  We regret the error.

Artist’s rendering not to scale.

This week’s sidebar poll, on the comparative beauty of COACH Rick Neuheisel <3, contains no mention of Pete Carroll.  After much debate amongst our staff, we came to the conclusion that invoking Pete Carroll in the college football blogosphere carries consequences very similar to those of Godwin’s Law.  He is removed from this discussion because he is removed from us, existing on a higher plane of unicorns and everlasting muscle tone.  This should have been made clearer, and we regret the error.

Yesterday’s “Where Are They Now?” segment on former Auburn coach Terry Bowden stated that the Yahoo(!) columnist has found offseason employment selling turkey legs at a traveling Renaissance Faire concession stand.  Mr. Bowden’s booth sells snow cones.  We regret the error.

(more…)

Monday’s feature “At Home With The Big 10″, profiling Iowa Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz, listed “sensitivity” and “soft hands” among his most commonly recognized qualities. Our editorial staff has since been contacted by Ferentz’s wife, Mary, who reports that he is a cold and unfeeling lover. We regret the error.

A late-night breaking news bulletin quoting Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban as saying he had “no surprises” for his “extra” scholarship players was incomplete. The blurb failed to include Saban miming the twirling of a mustache he does not possess, and should have been accompanied by the following photo of a little-used Tuscaloosa practice field:

We regret the error.

(more…)

Monday’s lead story reported that Florida quarterback Tim Tebow was instrumental in the weekend capture of terror mastermind Osama bin Laden. A US government spokeswoman informed us late last night that while Mr. Tebow has been an active participant in the manhunt, he has aligned himself with numerous federal agencies in a strictly advisory capacity. As of this posting, bin Laden remains at large. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s post “SEXXAY TENDENCIES” included the phone number for the University of South Carolina, which was listed as “800-588-2300.” This was accompanied by a chorus singing the phrase “EMPIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!” This is, in fact, the number for Empire Carpets, and not the South Carolina Gamecocks athletic department, who may be reached at 1-800-WIN-COCKS.

Get out of my head, earworm from hell!

Thursday’s Curious Index was published with an inaccurate photo caption. This man is not former Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione: (more…)

Monday’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Police Blotter misidentified a man killed by Pittsburgh police while “holding [a] meat cleaver and mumbling with a vacant look in his eyes” as the troubled former LSU quarterback. This story was based on inaccurate (though entirely plausible) sourcing, and we regret the error.

On Wednesday, we reported that during a blocking drill in a Notre Dame defensive practice, a collision occurred between Pat Kuntz and co-defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta. The description follows:

…he decelerated from 120 miles per hour to 0 in 1.4 seconds, and gained two huge black eyes from the force of his own slammed-forward eyeballs punching him on the inside of the face. The impact blinded him for two days, during which we must imagine his response was to walk around and simply dare the world to put things in his way. Oh, and he also broke his back, arm, wrist, lost six fillings and the icing on the cake? He got a hernia.

This came not from any actual description of reality, but from a Cracked.com top six list describing the exploits of rocket tester John Paul Stapp. Stapp survived these injuries. Kuntz, however, died on impact with Tenuta. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s Pac-10 Offseason Roundup reported that senior USC linebacker Rey Maualuga was being held without bail in a West Virginia detention facility after being charged with biting a twelve-year-old girl’s arm in a Wal-Mart. Megan Templeton was, in fact, stung by a scorpion that had stowed away in a shipment of watermelons. We regret the error.

Monday featured a “Halcyon Tussles of Too-Recent Yesteryear”
segment on the combatants in the 2003 Iowa/Iowa State game. In the report, we listed the weather in Ames as “overcast with scattered showers and hovering in the high seventies.” This was inaccurate; as several readers pointed out, the usual all-season conditions in Ames involve “biting daggerwind laced with ribbons of pissfire, a rain of burning slagshit, and periodic storms of boulder-sized burning balls of yak hair tumbling from the angry, indifferent heavens.” Thanks to reader Ted for pointing this out and providing the vivid description. We regret the error.

In Monday’s Where Are They Now feature, former Michigan linebacker Pierre Woods was inaccurately quoted as saying he intends to seek a job in broadcast journalism after retiring from professional football. Woods is in fact intent on pursuing a literary career and will self-publish his first book, A Children’s Treasury of Side-Boob, in September. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we reported that Phil Fulmer placed fourth in the money stakes for the King Crab season on this year’s The Deadliest Catch. This was inaccurate, as Fulmer performed better than that, finishing second, especially impressive since he catches and holds his crab-haul without the benefit of a boat. Corrected standings follow.

1. Time Bandit, $1.3 million
2. Phil Fulmer, $1.1 million
3. Northwestern, $929,000
4. Cornelia Marie $815,000
5. Ralph Friedgen, $542,000 (-$325,000 lost to “snacking.”)

We regret the error. Edgar Hansen rules.

On Wednesday this publication mistranslated an Agence France-Presse story on the spread of hepatitis and HIV in Iran. The Iranian government blames the country’s skyrocketing narcotic addiction rates on “the common border with opium-producing Afghanistan”, not “Bobby Petrino”. We regret the error.

On Monday, we reported that Auburn’s Sen’Derrick Marks had turned down the opportunity to be the cover story for SI this fall. This was incorrect; in fact, he has already agreed to the profile, and has completed his photography for the cover. (more…)

Peter’s ill, so no EDSBS Live for tonight. A thousand apologies, but he’s our engineer, and without him doing the show would be like going for it on 4th and 8 against a blitzing Ram Vela.

Monday’s Curious Index contained an item referring to the Kent State Golden Flashes as “the stupidest team name in Division I football.” The Kent State Golden Flashes is, in fact, the stupidest name for anything, ever. We regret the error.

Thursday we posted a video we claimed was Matthew Stafford doing a keg stand. We clearly misidentified him here.

We regret the error.

A Wednesday night news bulletin showed video footage of obliterated dock pilings on Alabama’s Lake Martin, and attributed the collapse to “flash flooding”. The cause of damage has since been identified as “Auburn University’s offensive line.” We regret the error.

On Monday, we labeled the 1971 Nebraska/Oklahoma game as the “Game of the Century.” This was inaccurate, as the universally recognized “Game of the Century” was the 2004 Colorado/Colorado State game, where Bradlee “Dr. Kannenpeniz” Van Pelt, a.k.a. the Banging Dutchman, (more…)

Mistakes: we make ‘em. Please accept our apologies for the errors we make, and this week’s corrections.

Monday’s Curious Index identified the phrase “AXYDLBAAXR IS LONGFELLOW” as the motto of The University of South Carolina. This is, in fact, the universal example for a Cryptoquote answer key as featured in any number of popular daily newspaper nationwide. The actual motto for the University of South Carolina is Emollit mores nec sinit esse feros, or “Learning humanizes character and does not permit it to be cruel, unless we’re talking bout cockfights and they’s just ROCK BALLS CAN AH GET A HELL YEAH!”

An overnight report stating that California head coach Jeff Tedford had leveled downtown Berkeley with drills for his new offensive scheme “Falken’s Maze” was inaccurate, and was confused with a late-night TBS showing of the 1983 Matthew Broderick movie War Games. The city remains unharmed, and the only winning move is not to play. We regret the error.

How about a nice game of chess?

Wednesday’s piece “Wherefore Art Thou, Leviathan? listed a major concern for Kansas State football its continuing reliance on “midget running backs no taller than 5′7″.” This is an error, as the backfield of Kansas State are recruited from the Baka people of Cameroon, formerly referred to by the perjorative “pygmy,” who despise being associated with “dirty herpefied carnies like midgets.” We regret the error.

Monday’s Better Know The Big East quiz stated that the basic unit of currency in West Virginia is C), “tarp”. The correct answer is A), “gravel”. We regret the error.

Thursday’s report that the annual All-SEC Freshman Team boat party was cut short after the boat sustained extensive damage from cannon fire was inaccurate. The holes in the hull were the work of Georgia’s Knowshon Moreno playing a particularly enthusiastic game of Sharks And Minnows. We regret the error.

Brent Musburger is not, as reported in the Thursday edition of the Curious Index, a sufferer of restless legs syndrome. Musburger explains he just likes the sudden and irresistable urge to gamble that Mirapex gives him, and would like to get back to the tables ASAP, thank you very much. He does want to mention the negative effects of a drink he likes to call Scotchinex, available over the counter at any package store, which has “a fucking terrible side effect of ‘restless balls syndrome,’ pardner.”

Yesterday’s report that Penn State coach Joe Paterno has been hospitalized for apparent dehydration ran with an incorrect photo. The image we published depicted The Cryptkeeper, host of the popular television program Tales From The Crypt. The correct photograph is below. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s Where Are They Now? segment reported that former Ole Miss head coach Ed Orgeron will discontinue public tours of his extensive collection of Princess Diana memorabilia in the wake of several unfortunate episodes of vandalism. Coach Orgeron plans to leave the exhibit open until the August anniversary of Diana’s death, but asks that all visitors please keep off his begonias. We regret the error.

YABORNINNABARNYASUMBITCH? RESPEKDAPEEPLSPRINCISS!