Tuesday’s Curious Index included an item implying that Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio beats his wife. We apologize for this grievous mischaracterization and any pain it may have caused the Dantonio family. The offending passage should have indicated that Mark Dantonio beats the wife of any man who crosses him. We regret the error.
In Friday’s “POOF! There it is: Coaching Magic Tricks in 5 Minutes” piece, we incorrectly identified a simple card illusion performed by new coach Lane Kiffin as “How to Shove Twelve and a Half Inches of Blustery Overexcitement Up Your Own Rectum So Far You Taste The Foretip fo the Cock Of Failure in The Back Of Your Throat In Just 45 Easy Seconds.”
The actual name of the illusion is the “Elmsley Pass.” Also, Kiffin’s representatives were adamant that we refer to it not as a “trick” but instead as “an illusion.” We regret both errors.
Last night’s You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me Thursday lead item failed to suggest that Google News headline “Nutt picks up huge commit in Cotton” carried with it any sort of hideously inappropriate sexual connotation. We regret the error.
Tuesday’s Fidgeting Digits Column misapplied the laws of genetics in working out a hypothetical blood type problem using Bobby Petrino. (more…)
On Thursday in the Curious Index, we included to the following quote: “He is very socialized, very affectionate,” said Barbara Burk. “If he wanted to, he probably could kill me. He has never given me any reason to be worried, but I always have to think that possibility is there.” This was quoted in reference to USC linebacker Brian Cushing, but instead refers to a 100 pound Siberian lynx named “Sasha.” Brian Cushing is not socialized. We regret the error.
Booorrrrrn freeeeee…..
Tuesday’s “Profiles in Cocksmack” listed the title of Les Miles’ forthcoming autobiography as White Hunter Black Heart, owing to the LSU head coach’s fondness for Clint Eastwood. The actual working title is Hat ‘em High. We regret the error.
Last Monday, we ran an AP wire item stating that the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 was caused when a Canadian goose was sucked into the plane’s air intake. The unfortunate critter has since been re-identified as former Syracuse coach Greg “GERG” Robinson. We regret the error, and wish the Michigan football family all the best as they move forward with a new defensive coordinator that best resembles a fine pink mist.
Thursday’s “Hits and Missus” family advice column cited the example of Chris Dalman as someone who chose family over football, as he quit the Stanford football staff to “spend more time with his wife and kids.” Dalman’s representatives called this week to clarify Dalman’s reasons for leaving, which should have read as the following.
Chris Dalman is leaving Stanford to spend more time with your wife and his kids.
We regret the error and wish Coach Dalman luck in his future endeavours.
Tuesday’s Curious Index included an item implying that Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin is part unicorn. We have since been provided with a file photo revealing the horn in question is actually an egg tooth. Kiffin’s mother assures us it fell off in early adolescence. We regret the error.
On Monday, we reported that Ron Zook has accepted an offseason endorsement deal with the Hollister clothing company, and that his shirtless billboard campaign has been the source of much consternation among U of I boosters. Coach Zook’s contract is with Abercrombie & Fitch. We regret the error.
On Tuesday, we reported that former SEC announcer Ron Franklin had been arrested for public intoxication in his hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. Franklin was in actuality arrested for armed robbery. We regret the error.
An item in Monday’s Curious Index referred to television presence Pam Ward as a “football analyst”. We realize this may have given our readers the impression that Pam Ward provides analysis of football games or speaks cogently (or even coherently) on football-related topics. This impression is patently inaccurate, and we regret the error.
On Wednesday, the caption for the following photo was listed incorrectly.
It is not, as we listed, the “Jungle House” in the Dominican Republic that former coach Bobby Pruett used to entertain Marshall football recruits. (more…)
LATE-BREAKING CORRECTION: During last night’s EDSBS Trans-Oceanic Olympic liveblog, one of our correspondents in Beijing reported that Purdue coach Joe Tiller had strangled NBC anchor Bob Costas on live television following the conclusion of the women’s all-around gymnastics final. The perpetrator, as reported in media outlets around the globe this morning, was former gymnastics coach Bela Karolyi. We regret the error, and extend our heartfelt snickering sympathies to Costas’ loved ones and the entire NBC family.
Счастливо усик Среда, motherfuckers.
An item in Monday’s Curious Index stated that Rudy Carpenter’s father has admitted to taking out a six-figure insurance policy on the beleagured Arizona State quarterback. This is unequivocally false. Rudy Carpenter’s position coach has taken out the policy. We regret the error.
Last week’s interview with West Virginia’s Steve Slaton inaccurately labeled the following passage as a quote about Slaton’s roommate and teammate Pat White:
The alarm goes off once, but if you hit snooze he jumps off your nightstand (up to 3 feet) and wheels around your room looking for a place to hide before he sounds the alarm a second time. The snooze time can be set from 0-9 minutes, so if you set it at 0 he runs right away. Nothing like a little hide-and-seek to get you going in the morning.
Wheee!
In fact, White had merely purchased a Clocky Runaway Alarm Clock for his roommate to speed their departure for early practices. We regret the error.
In Monday’s exclusive preview of our forthcoming Tim Tebow biography, it has come to our attention that our staff may have inadvertently but falsely inflated the hopes of many of our young readers. Mr. Tebow, as of press time, is not in the habit of punching out loose teeth of wee Gator fans as they sleep and leaving money under their pillows, nor is he currently employed as a spy, astronaut, cowboy, railroad engineer, or dinosaur hunter (although the latter would be a stone awesome premise for a TV show). We regret the error.
An item in Monday’s Curious Index reported that snack-sized LSU sprinter Trindon Holliday has been clocked in the school’s by school scientists running a sub-4.0 40 in full pads and cleats. We neglected to fully source the circumstances of this athletic feat, and have since learned that Holliday may have accomplished this time with what the biology department is calling “gravitational assistance.”
We regret the error.
On Wednesday, we reported that Mullah Ibn-Al Ali Qutewa of Pakistan, a radical Muslim cleric currently believed to be residing somewhere in the Hunza valley according to the CIA, had pronounced a fatwa and called for the death of Texas Tech head football coach Mike Leach. This was an error in translation, as “dirka dirka jihad football coach” actually translates to “Wipeout host John Henson, who according to Qutewa “is no Vic Fucking Romano or Kenny Blankenship, and will never be, you revisionist infidel assholes.”
Leach has since spoken to Qutewa, and will take an ultralight to visit the fugitive cleric in the pre-bowl season break, inshallah. Henson, meanwhile, is “safely ensconced inside an elaborate obstacle course,” according to ABC officials.
We regret the error.
Monday’s biographical profile of USC head coach Pete Carroll (more…)
According to the Charleston Gazette, the Fulmer Cup scoreboard is due for a major correction in the case of Kendall Washington, the redshirt freshman wide receiver who broke, entered, and feloniously assaulted a man in putting the ‘Eers on top…for a hot minute, that is, since Washington wasn’t even on the team.
This was evidently a point of confusion for more than just your average sloppy blogger:
According to the story, “it’s unclear what this means for his football future at West Virginia University, where the 6-foot-2, 192-pound Washington was in the mix to be a receiver for the nationally ranked Mountaineers this season.”
Uh, not exactly. Yes, Washington was a member of the Mountaineer football team last season. He even caught a 4-yard touchdown pass in the spring game from backup QB Jarrett Brown.
There was additional confusion with the listed rosters for West Virginia, as well; Yahoo had him, then didn’t have him, Rivals didn’t have him, and so on into mediocre confusion, etcetera. Consider all of the points for Washington’s offense removed from WVU’s record, thus returning them to their prior total of nineteen points.
Additional revisions: Georgia’s Clint Boling had a DUI reduced to reckless driving, meaning his ability to convince the judge he was merely “operating a vehicle in a frisky fashion” and not “driving drunk” equals a reduction of one point for UGA. In response to emailers: Jeremy Lomax’s weapons charge has already been removed from the total, and should be correct. If not, we will penalize other teams for no good reason and even things up in the second half.
Monday’s Getting to Know U: Pac-10 profile of Cal quarterback Nate Longshore contained the following inaccurate paragraph: “Nate Longshore is a British Overseas Territory, 16 miles long, and 3 miles at her widest point. Boasting 33 white sand beaches with crystal clear waters, a contemporary international style, extraordinary vistas, world-class accommodations and mouth-watering cuisine, he is the culmination of your search for the idyllic tropical escape”. The passage actually describes the island of Anguilla, and should have read, “Nate Longshore ranks fourth all-time at Cal in passing efficiency (133.1), sixth in passing touchdowns (62) and seventh in passing yardage (5,732). He has 18 victories as a starting quarterback, second in Cal history, and also owns the top bench press of all-time by a Cal quarterback at 370 pounds.” We regret the error.
In Tuesday’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter, we misidentified the victim of a threatening incident at a Utah intersection as Utes coach Kyle Whittingham. This was based on inaccurate sourcing, as Whittingham was at the Mountain West press day that day, and is strictly a French’s yellow mustard man who describes Grey Poupon as “a bitch’s condiment.” We regret the error.
Also, last week’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter reported that police in Boca Raton, Florida raided the summer home of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, recovering more than $8,000 worth of stolen women’s undergarments. Photographic evidence has since emerged indicating the home in question belongs to Ohio State University coach Jim Tressel. We regret the error.
I regret nothing!!
Wednesday also featured a reference to Howard Schnellenberger’s “invasion” of the Philippines. (more…)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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