Everybody on your tummies!

In the Friday mini-post “Jock Makeovers,” we reported the secondhand news that Matthew Stafford pronounced his hair “off-limits” to Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova. “Hair” should have read “ass,” because the number one draft pick ain’t lettin’ anyone go two hole on him no matter how Moscow ghetto hot Miss Thing might be. Enrique might have been down with a trip to browntown, but Matt Stafford’s nobody’s finger puppet.

Friday’s piece, “Better Know A Big XII Spiritual Meltdown”, reported that Missouri’s Jeremy Maclin had been found to be living in the Tigers’ locker room after the conclusion of spring practices to escape the emotional rigors of the draft prep limelight. The stuffed rabbit Maclin was photographed clutching in his sleep, however, did not belong to him. It is a childhood treasure named Twinkles, on loan from a sympathetic strength coach. We regret the error.

In this week’s “What’s Your Coach Twittering?” feature, we attributed two messages to USC head coach Pete Carroll: ”If there’s one thing that gets me more excited than spring football, it’s waiting for tickets for the new Cannibal Corpse tour to go on sale” and “Guess some old ladies don’t appreciate being told ‘rub some dirt on it’ when you bump their Rascal scooter in the parking lot.” In fact, these messages were Twittered by former South Carolina coach and current ESPN commentator Lou Holtz. We apologize to Carroll, Holtz, and Cannibal Corpse for the mixup.

Monday’s Curious Index reported that a crackerjack research team at Duke University’s renowned biology laboratory has discovered Blue Devils head coach David Cutcliffe’s folksy chuckle can cure rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis in adult test subjects.  This was based on preliminary data, and neglected to include later findings that Cutcliffe’s laughter also was found to be an efficient means of pain management for lupus patients. We regret the error.

In our latest edition of The Week In Bowden Jurisprudence, we reported the arrest of Tommy Bowden for simple battery in a Birmingham Starbucks.  Law enforcement personnel have since confirmed that Bowden was actually detained for loitering, after spending several fruitless hours wandering the store, coughing conspicuously and typing exaggeratedly on his BlackBerry in a vain attempt to be acknowledged by another human being. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s editorial, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist” contained a typographical error in the headline, which should have read, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist, Bitches and Bitchfisters.” We regret the error.

Monday’s Jumpstart Previews included this quote from Paul Johnson recounting his early days at Georgia Tech:

Later on that same waitress told Johnson that she had heard that the new Georgia Tech head coach was in the restaurant.

“She pointed to a guy in the corner who looked like he was about 70,” said Johnson. “I figured and wasn’t as big a deal as I thought I was.”

This was in fact Paul Johnson, only in his doppleganger form, a seventy year old goldpanner named “Liftbottom Stipplecock.” He currently serves as Georgia Tech’s offensive coordinator and lives on a spacious mat in the pedestrian tunnel under I-75 between Georgia Tech and Midtown. We regret the error.

Photo Correction: This actually is Texas Strength and conditioning coach Jeff Madden catching a cab, but it is in Minsk, not Moscow. We regret the error.

In Thursday’s “Better Know An SEC Home Remedy”, we reported that the sheen of Tim Tebow’s forehead will “soothe and smooth even the unruliest of split ends.” We should have clarified this to indicate the cure is intended for hard-to-manage human hair, not quarrelsome X receivers. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we published a report that Rod Gilmore had submitted an extensive personals application to the website “J-Date.com” even though Gilmore himself is not Jewish. This was in accurate: the website in question was in fact ConjugalVisit.com, a service for men who volunteer to service incarcerated women. “I’m a giver, and I like ‘em rough,” said Gilmore in an interview on Friday morning. “Nothing to apologize for there.” We regret the error.

In Wedenesday’s “Legal Beagle” column, we mistakenly reported that Howard Schnellenberger had settled his copyright suit with Williams Street Productions for their use of a nightly Schnellenberger household ritual in an episode of the show Sealab 2021:

The FAU coach has not withdrawn his lawsuit, and plans to “Sue the bastards ’till they bleed from their flopholes.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s Curious Index reported that Illinois’ Ron Zook ate a handful of live bees as a motivational tactic during last week’s final practice. Coach Zook’s attention-grabbing snacks of choice are digger wasps. Further allegations that he then donned a bear costume and punched a female trainer in the face were accurate, however. We regret the error.

Friday’s Curious Index did not report the news that Dan Hawkins had closed Colorado practice due to too many strategic tweaks being leaked on line. This was clearly an error, as it will make Colorado’s inability to win ten games even funnier in retrospect in December. We regret the error.

In last Friday’s  “Ask A Texas Fan: Why Oklahoma Ruins Everything”, our guest columnist reported that Sooner quarterback Sam Bradford kills the popular character Hurley on a forthcoming episode of ABC’s LOST. Bradford’s shadow contract with ABC does not extend to scripted programming appearances and he has no plans to appear on the show. We regret the error, apologize to any fans fearing the show’s season finale had been spoiled, and hope you will enjoy next week’s column, “Ask An Auburn Fan: It’s 4:45 PM And Bear Bryant Is Still Dead.”

A clarification is needed for a quote in Wednesdays’ “Spring Practice Capsules.” We quoted Steve Spurrier improperly due to a typographical error. The quote should have read:

We just fiddle around the wishbone in practice. It’s not for game situations, just something for the guys. The wishbone is strictly for the guys.

We apologize for any offense the gay community may have taken at the implications of the typo as it originally appeared in the piece. The wishbone is a football offense open to both straight and gay football players, and has no preferences no matter how many dive penetration jokes you make. We regret the error.

In Wednesday’s Curious Index, we reported that Cincinnati’s Brian Kelly has no sensation of any kind on the entire left side of his face after an alleged one-night stand gone horribly wrong with ESPN’s Pam Ward. Coach Kelly’s agent informs us that Kelly only lost the ability to detect hot and cold sensations on his tongue, and that he and Ms. Ward remain on cordial terms. We regret the error.

In our piece Messin’ With the BCS, we misidentified Orrin Hatch as “Representative Hatch.” Hatch is in fact the senior Senator from the Great State of Utah, serving alongside junior Senator Elder Creepy Meltyface. Also, Orrin Hatch was not the inspiration for the film Crank, though he has had sex in public with Amy Smart to save someone’s life. We regret the error.

Yesterday’s feature, “Ron Franklin: The Man, The Myth, The Monotone” contained a quote from a coordinating producer at ESPN that was misinterpreted by our editorial staff. When Franklin’s unnamed colleague remarked that talking to Franklin was “like talking to the internet”, she meant to imply that Franklin made his coworkers laugh out loud, not that Franklin is a sexual predator. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s Block-Rockin’ Eats recipe for “Rich Rodriguez’s Wampus Burgers” read 8 pounds cat meat as printed. This was not specific enough, according both to dissatisfied readers who tried the recipe and to Michigan SID Steve Trackett. Trackett called after the piece was published and clarified,

For the gamey but delicious tang of prime cat, you should use nothing but 2-4 year old overweight tabby, as the marbling is what matters most. Enjoy!

Happy grilling! We regret the error.

Tuesday’s “Better Know An Androgynous ACC Coach” reported that Boston College’s Frank Spaziani was born with both male and female genitalia, and was raised as a girl until the age of twelve, winning four consecutive Little Miss crowns at the New Jersey State Fair. Coach Spaziani actually competed in the pageant’s Junior Miss division. We regret the error.

In Monday’s Curious Index, we cited a source identifying this as a video of [NAME REDACTED] getting his penis stuck in a metal park bench in Taipei, Taiwan.

The man has since been identified as Wei-Chuan Yang, a 38 year old programmer from Taoyuan, Taiwan. [NAME REDACTED] could not possibly have been in Taipei, as he has been coaching spring practice in Champaign-Urbana with his penis stuck in particularly sexy plastic deck chair for the past week, something he says he is “excited about” and is “showing real signs of getting better and better.” He has no plans to remove it in the foreseeable future.

We regret the error.

On Thursday, we reported that Steve Kragthorpe was excommunicated by the Catholic Church for the abortion he’s committed at Louisville. This was in error, as Kragthorpe is not a Catholic, and therefore not subject to the Vatican’s spiritual oversight. Louisville Bishop Thomas Kelly did clarify though by saying that if Kragthorpe were Catholic he would be excommunicated, because getting owned by Syracuse really is an unforgivable abortion under anyone’s laws, and that he’s likely due for a retro style smiting any second now.

Last Friday’s article “IT CAME FROM CORAL GABLES” misidentified a photo as University of Miami president Donna Shalala.

The image in question is in fact a poster from the 1958 horror classic starring Christopher Lee, and should have been captioned Count Dracula. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “Workout Tips”, the Wisconsin Badgers’ strength and conditioning coaches did confirm that they had procured a WWE-style weight belt for the stated purpose of motivating their players to give championship efforts in spring and summer workouts.  They have not, however, hired Joey Styles to scream “OH MY GOD” at players during particularly intense workouts as reported on Tuesday.  We would like to state that the fact they haven’t is a goddamn shame, and we regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “Better Know An ACC Interrogation Method”, Wake Forest head coach Jim Grobe was misquoted. “A bucket of water” is an excellent conductor of electricity, not “Steed Lobotzke”. We regret the error.

Monday’s “Kinks of the Mascots” section suggested that the Virginia Cavalier favored the submissive position in a BDSM relationship between two caring, sensitive mascots. This is inaccurate, as the Cavalier feels nothing but cold indifference unless he is the one holding a whip and inflicting the sweetest pain on another mascot. His preferred partner is Buzz from Georgia Tech, because “Shorty got an abdomen on her/he gonna pop a rubber band on her.” We regret the error.

Last week’s Hawkeye Crimeblotter quoted Kirk Ferentz as attributing the drop in arrests for Iowa players to a new locker room system where feuding teammates are urged to air their grievances in a safe, accepting environment on alternate Tuesdays.  Ferentz was joking when he told us of the program, and in a followup call, explains that this year’s low crime rate is due to the poor aim of the freshman class. He further assures EDSBS that the Iowa staff is working to correct this break with tradition. We regret the error.

Last week’s “Coaching Horoscopes” featured the following prediction:

Sagittarius: This would be a bad week for anything, as assassins are following your every move. Avoiding touching purple objects, as these will give you rapid and inoperable cancer immediately. The left-handed are bent on destroying you and all you stand for. Fear the number 7.

This was not actually a horoscope for Sagittarius, but rather for Libra–in particular, Houston Nutt (March 10), who really is followed everywhere by one-armed assassins from Arkansas who have lost limbs to their pet bears and spouses through the years. We regret the error.

Gary Barnett, mentioned in a Monday article about former coaches exploring second careers, is not “a children’s specialist” in the field of dentistry. We regret the error.

In Wednesday’s “Etiquette for the Gridiron,” we stated that when asking someone of advanced age about their retirement plan, extreme tact must be used. Many are anxious about this question, and in social situations the very topic can put many at ease. The euphemism “long-term financial planning” was suggested, but since the article’s publication football etiquette experts have suggested other terms. The most common? “Your lucrative late-career stint going 7-5 at South Carolina.” We now suggest the phrase for common usage, and regret the error.

Thursday’s Crossword solution page contained an inaccurate answer. 36-across, “delicate freshwater mollusk known for its pearls”, when solved correctly, should read “Sydney rock oyster”, not “Jimmy Clausen”. We regret the error.

This year’s EDSBS “Early Big Ten Peeking!” suggested that [NAME REDACTED]’s offseason ski accident was “a near-disaster.”

University missives this week said we were “in error” in our summary of the accident, which was instead “showing that the Coach keeps getting ‘better and better in each phase of his game, including skiing,’ and that he did not suffer ‘injuries, but what I like to call points of correction which can be corrected and are correctable.’ He’s not seeing a crash, but rather ‘a long, sometimes painful, bone-shattering but ultimately glorious descent’ into the prone, shit-pantsed, and weeping sprawl of the victorious.” We regret the error.

“Clever girl.”

Former Alabama lineman Andre Smith is not currently floating off the Straits of Hormuz as previously reported in Monday’s Curious Index. Smith is in fact feeding several hundred miles south of the Solomon Islands, and is neither blocking commercial shipping lanes nor infringing on any fishing grounds. Sailors are warned to steer clear of the waste release valve on his stern. Capsizing may be a danger for smaller vessels.

We regret the error.

To boost his draft standings following Wednesday’s Pro Day at Alabama, quarterback John Parker Wilson will release his own self-produced aerobics tape, but it will be titled the “Bama Bangs Blaster Workout”, not the “Toss Your Way To Shapelier Hips And Thighs With John Parker Wilson Workout” reported previously. We regret the error.

On Thursday, our interview with Ron Franklin alarmed some when a photo of Franklin on the sidelines of the 2000 Georgia/Auburn game appeared to show him urinating on the sidelines with his penis exposed for all to see. Franklin’s representatives called to clarify that Franklin was not urinating, and as a professional would never show disrespect for his hosts like that. Franklin suffers from the medical condition known as penile claustrophobia, however, and frequently has to ventilate his member in order to provide relief from the condition. Other notable celebrity sufferers have included Charles Haley, Terri Hatcher, the Reverend Charles Hagee, and Andy Richter.

As penance, this post is brought to you by the only drug on the market to help men face the demons of penile claustrophobia, Enclosium. Enclosium: because good fences make good neighbors.

We regret the error.

Contrary to information from Florida’s press office used in our “Better Know An SEC Lineman’s Religion”, the Koran does not promise 72 virgins in heaven to any player making a solo tackle. Urban Meyer makes this promise himself, and is said to select the virgins personally. We regret the error.

In Wednesday’s “Taigatin’ With O,” the koala fricassee recipe has been deleted, as koala is both a protected species per the CITES international compact, and is in fact too lean a meat for in the recipe. (In addition to this, those little bastards aren’t an easy slaughter. It’s like wrestling with a teddy bear made of switchblades.) Substitute braised condor or fatty aged panda in a pinch. We regret the error.

Thursday’s profile of Maryland head coach Ralph Friedgen described him as being “thicker at the bottom than at the top due to slow flow over centuries…an amorphous solid at room temperature”. This passage is actually lifted from the Encyclopedia Britannica’s article on stained glass. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, our profile of ERIN ANDREWS NAKED did not feature ERIN ANDREWS NAKED in any form, and was not an interview with ERIN ANDREWS NAKED. ERIN ANDREWS NAKED was not the topic of the post, which instead focused on Northwestern’s plan to take advantage of a more mobile group of quarterbacks in their offensive gameplanning. We regret tactics like using ERIN ANDREWS NAKED to mislead readers, and promise to continue our efforts in not blatantly catching eyes and search results with things like ERIN ANDREWS NAKED.

ERIN ANDREWS NAKED ERIN ANDREWS NAKED ERIN ANDREWS NAKED

Last Friday’s “ACC Voodo And You” feature claimed that Clemson quarterback Willy Korn is the Bell Witch. Although indescribably beautiful and known to appear in mirrors when his name is spoken, Willy Korn is not the Bell Witch.  We regret the error.

Typographical errors, cont’d. Evan Lawless, prize recruit of Texas’ 2010 class, wrote in to correct the spelling of his high school and their team. Lawless attended Canal High School in Houston, and played for the Warriors as a star running back. We misidentified this alma mater in a post that appeared Wednesday on this site.

We regret the error.

Ah-ah! [thunderclap]

Monday’s post entitled “Bret Bielema Shreds!”, we reported that Bret Bielema uses old karaoke tracks to provide the background for his series of moving interpretations of popular songs. He in fact constructs the song himself with MIDI instrument tracks, and then uploads them carefully at the end of a long day. We were accurate in reporting that his favorite track is “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog, because he gets to sing both parts.

Monday’s Better Know Your SEC Snack Foods mistakenly reported that gunpowder, a key ingredient in any crawfish boil, was invented by the Chinese in the tenth century.  Virginia Tech’s Frank Beamer is widely credited with the innovation in the early seventh century. We regret the error.

On Thursday’s “Mascot Watch,” we erroneously reported re: a criminal case involving Sparky, the Arizona State mascot. The United States does not recognize Burmese law, and has no extradition agreements with the military junta even if the case does involve 36 counts of sodomy, an accusation of methamphetamine smuggling, and 4 charges of extreme animal cruelty. The Sun Devil will remain in Tempe, and will be participating in the 7th annual “Devils 4 Kidz” benefit Saturday as planned. We regret the error.

Who wants a Mandalay Groin-hug? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Our most recent edition of This Week In Broadcasting Compulsions contained a trascription error. Our interview staff mistakenly transcribed a phrase in a recent sit-down with Mike Patrick. Patrick is a compulsive hoarder. We appear to have misheard Patrick in the initial publication, and regret the error.

Friday’s “Gossip Grrrrrl” column announced that Jesse Palmer was dating recently fired ESPN personality Stacey Dales. This was inaccurate; the two are “merely friends,” according to PR sources from both parties. Palmer remains single, though he admitted that he and Tennessee women’s basketball coach Pat Summitt “have been spending a lot of time together.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s interview with Johnny Majors did not contain any references to the former Tennessee coach’s hilarious battles with alcohol. We regret the omission, and apologize to any Tennessee fans who may have thought we were referring to another Johnny Majors in the absence of the “Johnny Majors has a drinking problem” tag.

Wednesday’s Mustache Wednesday referred to Gordon Lightfoot as “the grizzled Canadian Troubadour.” The American Council of Grizzle called our offices to clarify that Lightfoot has not passed muster for the rank of “grizzled,” and is instead merely “craggy, with a hint of wistful.” Recently promoted, however, was Howard Schnellenberger, who made grizzled rank ten with his remark that “the day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn’t.” We regret the error.

In yesterday’s Old-Tyme Kiddye Storye Hour with Dennis Erickson, the Arizona State coach took a factually inaccurate tangent during a reading of “Charlie The Friendliest Policeman”. Contrary to Erickson’s stated remarks, law enforcement personnel are not required to identify themselves as such when asked “Are you a cop?”.  We regret the error.

Thursday’s interview with Jeff Pearlman, author of Boys Will Be Boys, featured a claim that Michael Irvin was the author of the following quote.

“I’ve already told you: the only way to a woman’s heart is along the path of torment. I know none other as sure.”

In a phone interview earlier today (Friday), Irvin denied authorship of the quote. The actual author is the Marquis de Sade. Irvin also said that there were many other ways to a woman’s heart: wit, charm, good conversation, and a good ear to listen to her troubles with when she’s down and needs a friend. Irvin also said touching the anus during sex just right seems to work sometimes, too, but that you got to be real careful about that. We regret the error.

You know good and well we could have run this photo unaltered and no one would’ve known the difference.

In Thursday’s review of Watchmen, EDSBS Senior Film Critic Sketch Diddlepants wrote:

“Dr. Manhattan is a glowing superhero who spends much of his screen time showing off his iridescent blue penis …”

This did not refer to Dr. Manhattan or Watchmen, and was instead incorrectly cut and pasted from a review of Tim Brando’s new off-Broadway one man show, “Brando: The Naked Truth.” We regret the error.

Last Friday’s Tennessee guest column “Goddamn You Dave Goddamn Clawson” suggested that the ousted Tennessee offensive coordinator was successful in his former position as head coach of the Richmond Spiders because “Division I-AA isn’t actual football”. Further research on the part of our editorial staff has revealed that the success of the Spiders was due in large part to the repeated and thorough deployment of actual spiders in all gadget plays. We regret the error.

This Sunday’s Crossword featured a clue reading “a three-beat gait/Mark May’s role on College Football Live?” The punny answer is “C-A-N-T-E-R.” “C-U-N-T-E-R” is not a word or a horse gait, though it is a periodically accurate description of May’s work on the ESPN show.

Our regular Monday feature The Week In Steve Spurrier’s Catalog Of Neuroses contained a minor inaccuracy. We reported that the South Carolina head coach was the target of a weekend intervention, as family and friends grew concerned Spurrier was becoming withdrawn and distant and responsive only when speaking of his collection of antique teapots. Coach Spurrier collects tea towels. We regret the error.

On Monday, our Piece “Bodywork” included a piece entitled “The 700 Pound Deadlift: It’s Not Just for Football Players.” This should have read “…It’s Just For Football Players.” We regret the error, and apologize to Steve Slippert of Columbus, Ohio, who is recovering from his injuries at Ohio State University Hospital, and to Emily Garett, whose eye was put out by Slippert’s expelled vertebrae on its flight from his back across the gym into Garett’s eye socket. Hope the EDSBS t-shirts forestall any legal action on your part, and may every day be a Saturday for you!

Tuesday’s report on Rich Brooks’ most recent press conference contained an incomplete item. Our transcript detailed the explanation given by the Kentucky head coach for the dismissal of two wideouts last week (”And they fucking know why, the little bastards”), but neglected to mention that Brooks then stomped from the podium muttering about “those goddamn wasps”. We regret the error.

Thursday’s “Can You Believe This?” piece on Tennessee’s new DUI laws inaccurately stated the following:

A story Monday about the use of ignition interlock devices by people convicted of driving while intoxicated misstated which vehicles are covered by the existing state law. Any vehicle driven by the person required to use the device would have to have the device.

The revised legislation should now read:

A story Monday about the use of ignition interlock devices by people convicted of driving while intoxicated misstated which vehicles are covered by the existing state law. Any vehicle driven by the person required to use the device would have to have the device especially Johnny Majors, who needs one even for his commuter donkey.

We regret the error.

On Wednesday we reported that several BYU players have been implicated in the beating of a female student who had expressed interest in trying out for an open kicker spot on the Cougars’ scout team. The victim, Shelley Morrow, 19, was attacked after vocalizing her desire for a fulfilling career outside the home, but at no time mentioned football. She was treated for a broken collarbone and bruises. We regret the error.

On Friday, The Police Blotter listed a murder suspect as resembling the following:

5′10″ Duck wearing green and yellow, bent on slashing and shooting his way through all he sees until he slays whichever dies first: humanity, or his bloodlust.”

The Duck is actually 5′8″. He remains armed and extremely dangerous, and may be behind you right now.

The suspect seen here devouring a victim’s liver in a police image.

In Friday’s news, we reported the death of Sergey Tuganov, a Russian man who died after taking a whole bottle of Viagra and winning $4500 in a bet that he could satisfy two women at once. The story contained several inaccuracies. First, Mr. Tuganov is alive and well. Second, the man in question was in fact former Oklahoma coach and FOX commentator Barry Switzer, who is also alive and is recuperating at Rublyovka Hospital. The two women in the incident are in critical condition, and say that satisfied doesn’t cover how they feel at the moment. We regret the error.

Last Friday we ran an improperly sourced story that ESPN’s Bob Davie was arrested after attempting to break into the house of sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya. The reports that Davie was apprehended on the rose trellis of the house while wearing only a spangled cowboy hat and stragecigally placed whip were accurate; however, the house in question belonged to Davie’s former coworker Stacey Dales. We regret the error.

Wednesday’s “Well, So You Try It Mr. Smartypants” reported Rich Eisen’s 40 time to be a 6.3 something. This figure is correct, but we neglected to mention that with such a disgustingly slow time, he is in fact Orson’s bitch, joining Clay Travis as “People Who Are Slower Than A Guy Who Was In Band.”

Wednesday’s excerpt from a forthcoming biography of Dennis Erickson contained the following erroneous passage: “He was born in Portugal, but it was under the Spanish flag that he sailed in 1519 with the intention of reaching the Spice Islands by sailing west around South America.” This actually refers to the explorer Magellan, famed for his attempt to circumnavigate the globe in the 16th century. Dennis Erickson went 5-7 last season at Arizona State. We regret the error.

Last Monday’s Big XII crime blotter contained an incomplete item, noting that police had been summoned to Texas coach Mack Brown’s estate after neighbors complained of gunfire. The report omitted two key facts: that Coach Brown sent the officers away, telling them he had been firing at several nutria digging up his petunia beds, and that he failed to mention that the disturbances were actually caused by offensive stars Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley, who were tunneling through Brown’s lawn as part of a team-building exercise for an upcoming feature on Outside the Lines. We regret the error.

Our most recent This Week In Officiating Obits column reported that the ACC’s Ron Cherry was found dead of autoerotic asphixiation inside the tiger habitat at the San Diego Zoo. Cherry’s lifeless form was actually discovered in the panda exhibit. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s Better Know An Enemy Of The EDSBS State feature on Mitch Albom reported that the pocket-sized columnist has gained recent notoriety as the subject of a neighborhood petition to force him out of his Michigan home, after repeated accusations of hurling rocks at passing children and animals. The phrase “hurling rocks at passing children and animals” should read “serving as contributing editor to PARADE magazine”. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s Fulmer Cupdate, an incident involving Jesse Palmer last week did not merit points, but was inaccurately reported. Palmer was not the assailant in the assault of a Chick-Fil-A cow in Fredericksburg, MD. We regret the error. Palmer was detained by police for what eventually became a charge of “reckless public endangerment” in an incident where Palmer was waving a meat cleaver from the window from a car. �Palmer claims the incident was a misunderstanding, and issued the following quote: “It was a visual pun. Get it? Cutting wind? Too cosmopolitan for you? Well, I am Canadian.” Palmer will not face punishment from ESPN for the incident, nor will he miss any of his bookings as a part-time member of Cirque du Soleil’s “O”, where he plays an erotic clown.

In Thursday’s in-depth piece on Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney’s ongoing struggle with dissociative identity disorder, we reported that Swinney’s alter ego, “Trent,” murdered two prostitutes in Thailand in the summer of 2003. However, this information was erroneous: Swinney himself murdered the prostitutes, while Trent has maintained a loving 15-year marriage with Swinney’s wife, Kathleen, and raised the family’s three young sons. Trent was also the coach during Clemson’s 13-3 win over Virginia in November. We apologize to both Swinney and Trent, and regret the error.

In an article last week on proposed rule changes regarding dead-ball fouls, we related an incident from the 2007 Florida-Kentucky game in which referee Penn Wagers was said to have ejected Kentucky running back Tony Dixon for using “unreasonable aggression and intimidation” in his stiff-arm of a Florida defender. According to official records, Dixon was never ejected from the game but was rather placed in “time-out” by Wagers until he was “ready to say he was sorry.” Dixon did apologize and was allowed to return to the game in the fourth quarter. We regret the error.

This morning’s Curious Index included an item that grossly misinterpreted the Waco Tribune-Herald headline “Lou Holtz to lead Notre Dame legends against Japan”.� This was poorly fact-checked, and the staffer responsible has been reprimanded. The actual enterprise Holtz is leading entails a football game against a Japanese football team, not a suicide mission intent on repaying leftover debts and personal vendettas from World War II. Holtz has released a statement through a spokesman saying he would be content either way, but Notre Dame athletic department officials announced soon after that the game will proceed as planned. We regret the error.

Wednesday’s “Cookin’ with the Kragthorpe” column contained a misprint. The recipe for Steve Kragthorpe’s Gruyere and Scallion Frittata instructed readers to “gently whisk 6 eggs, tilting the bowl to aerate the eggs and make them light and fluffy”; Kragthorpe informs us that the step should’ve actually read “savagely beat 6 eggs in a metal bowl until they feel the pain I’ve felt for the past two years.” We regret the error, and hope that nobody’s breakfast was ruined.

Monday’s Mike Patrick Bizarre Disaster Roundup reported that the ESPN personality was discovered near death in his home by College Football Primetime colleague Holly Rowe after being nearly suffocated under a toppled ceiling-high stack of Cat Fancy magazines.� It was Patrick’s on-air partner Todd Blackledge who found him and alerted the authorities.� We regret the error.

In an article on the abrupt departure of defensive lineman Kellen Heard from the Texas A&M football program, one of our columnists referred to Heard as being “fatter and uglier than a C-130 cargo plane.” The airplane’s manufacturer, Lockheed Martin, objected to this description, informing us that the C-130’s fuselage width of 14 feet 3 inches is still several inches wider than Heard, further pointing out that “the C-130 family has more than 50 years of service to air forces around the globe in defense of freedom and democracy, and has never, to the best of our knowledge, been involved in any egregious late hits on freshman quarterbacks.” We apologize to the Lockheed Martin Corporation for the mischaracterization of their fine product.

Our “Before They Were Coaches” feature on Tuesday incorrectly identified Florida defensive coordinator Charlie Strong as “the 10th Wu-Tang” based on his appearance as a backup vocalist on Wu-Tang Clan’s 1993 debut Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers). Strong was never an “official” member of Wu-Tang but did release a pair of solo albums under the name Chuck Flex, one of which, Chuck Flex the Electric Sorcerer, was produced by Wu-Tang founder RZA. We apologize for the error and extend our thanks to RZA and the University of Florida Athletic Department for the clarification.

Yesterday we reported that University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans will not permit any Thursday games to be scheduled for the Bulldogs because he fears it will adversely affect the team’s academic schedules. We have since learned that Evans is merely making a concession to provisions in Mark Richt’s contract stating the coach will never be forced to miss Grey’s Anatomy. We regret the error.

Thanks to Georgia’s own Doug Gillett for filling in Swindle’s share of this week’s Corrections. He is not a dumb girl, but he might like some hatemail anyway.
And that’ll do it for this week. Many thanks to master tipsters Dave and RCR, and to Freek for all the nightmare fuel. Fearless Leader Swindle returns Monday.

In Wednesday’s Get Skintimate With the Stars Series, we inaccurately reported that USF coach Jim Leavitt uses “a combination scrub of Aveda’s Face Wash and Lush’s Cupcake face mask to care for his skin.” This is inaccurate, as Leavitt exfoliates solely with the use of a round of rock salt fired from the barrel of his custom built green, white, and yellow M4 Benelli Tactical Shotgun. It is Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino who uses the Aveda/Lush combo. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, we quoted commenter “THEOSUfann84″ as saying, “I’m sorry, but I hope Rich Rodgriguez stays at Michigan forever”. Further research by our staff indicates that not only is “THEOSUfann84″ not sorry, at all, but that living in Columbus has robbed him of all sense of time and space and thus the concept of infinity. This was clearly a poorly chosen source, and we regret the error.

A Monday piece entitled “Our Book: A Preview” included the following passage with some altered elements:

So even now with the cloud of fear around her, while he taunts her and abuses her – even now her pleasure is not mere mild enjoyment but the perennially re-created bliss, and chill waves shiver down her back as she sucks and sucks and sucks. She is not even surprised that the more he torments her scalp, the more he goads her with the detested “Irma,” the more gluttonous becomes her lust to swallow up his price, and when she ceases, just for an instant, and panting raises her head and gasps “Oh God, I love sucking you,” the words are uttered with the same uncomplicated and spontaneous ardor as before.

The passage is not from Orson Swindle’s unfinished but soon-to-be-published piece of football erotica entitled “Pornge and Blue,” and is in fact from William Styron’s Sophie’s Choice. Also, in the passage on Monday, “she/her” referred to Notre Dame, and “he/him” referred to USC. We did not realize the passage was plagiarized, and regret the error.

Thursday’s Foobaw Word Scramble solution was incorrectly revealed as STEED LOBOTZKE IS THE LIGHT. The correct answer is JOKER PHILLIPS IS THE LIGHT. We regret the error.

Friday’s Curious Index included a note on Lane Kiffin’s firings since he has become coach of the University of Tennessee. Those listed included:

24 secretaries
32 chauffeurs (his current one has been sewn to his seat, and is intubated for convenience)
2 University Presidents
7 Masseurs
9 Smokies
16 groundskeepers
1 Johnny Majors (five times from nonexistent positions)
1 Johnny Majors Drinking Problem
The moon
An employee of McDonald’s who mocked him for ordering a McGriddle
The McGriddle
Shoeshine Johnnie (NOOOOO! NOT SHOESHINE JOHNNIE!!!)

Lane Kiffin has in fact fired no one, though he did kick a snack machine so hard he got a free bag of Baked Lay’s this week, and that should have sent a clear enough message to everyone that he’s TUFF GRR.

On seventeen separate occasions this week, a staffer referred to Florida State University as “Where Talent Goes To Die”. The slogan was unintentionally abbreviated in the EDSBS Stylebook, and should read “Florida State: Where Talent and Jimbo Fisher Go To Die.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s profile of Jesse Palmer should have listed his favorite flavor of soda as “Grape.” We regret the omission of the ‘G,’ and apologize for any emotional distress this has caused Palmer and his family. We deeply regret the error.

ADDENDUM: In this morning’s first edition of the Corrections, we reported that Ed Orgeron constructed a live volcano in Neyland Stadium to use as a recruiting tool. We have since received new information indicating that Orgeron was not aware of the geological havoc he had wrought, and thought it merely an unseasonably warm afternoon. Further reports indicate that he has decided to employ the volcano in sprint workouts, and that fifty-six players and support staffers have perished in the last three hours. Orgeron attributes these deaths to a lack of conditioning, something he intends to rectify within the coming months. We regret the error.

In Friday’s “POOF! There it is: Coaching Magic Tricks in 5 Minutes” piece, we incorrectly identified a simple card illusion performed by new coach Lane Kiffin as “How to Shove Twelve and a Half Inches of Blustery Overexcitement Up Your Own Rectum So Far You Taste The Foretip fo the Cock Of Failure in The Back Of Your Throat In Just 45 Easy Seconds.”

The actual name of the illusion is the “Elmsley Pass.” Also, Kiffin’s representatives were adamant that we refer to it not as a “trick” but instead as “an illusion.” We regret both errors.

Last night’s You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me Thursday lead item failed to suggest that Google News headline “Nutt picks up huge commit in Cotton” carried with it any sort of hideously inappropriate sexual connotation. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s Fidgeting Digits Column misapplied the laws of genetics in working out a hypothetical blood type problem using Bobby Petrino. We listed Petrino’s hypothetical children as having AB-, when in fact the various combinations of both parents would in fact lead to a child with O+ blood. (Thanks to Dr. Meltzer at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital for clearing this up.) Also, we would stress the hypothetical portion of this piece, as it is commonly acknowedged that Bobby Petrino’s veins contain not blood, but an acidic solvent capable of liquefying human skin in seconds.

On Monday, sister site Every Day Should Be Sunday’s Super Bowl Notebook reported that a Comcast affiliate in Arizona had accidentally aired several minutes of a hard-core pornographic film, in which an unsimulated oral sex act took place, during Super Bowl XLIII. In fact, the program that they accidentally switched to was ‘College Recruiting Update with Tom Lemming: Where Are They Now?,’ and the sex act in question was merely Lemming engaging in a very graphic sex act with Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen. We congratulate Clausen, and regret the error.

On Wednesday, we referred to Coach Rich Rodriguez’s hobbies as “spelunking, raffle-crashing, and collecting miniatures.” Michigan representatives clarified two points:

1. That should have read “miniature running backs.”

2. Coach Rodriguez is also fond of the art and science of metal detecting.

Per the release: “Mrs. Rodriguez is proud of the weight Coach Rodriguez has lost following a stressful recruiting season, and especially proud of the massive, $35K engagement ring he found for her on a drifter’s long-abandoned corpse.” We regret the error, and congratulate Coach Rodriguez on the weight loss and the purchase of his metal detector.

Wednesday’s profile of blue-chip recruit Barkevious Mingo contained the following erroneous paragraph: “He was sent to the Chesterfield School in 1741 and in 1750 became a student at St John’s College, Cambridge, where he studied classics and mathematics. He held the Exeter scholarship there and wrote a poem on the death of Frederick, prince of Wales, in 1751 (which was published in the European Magazine in 1795). While a student at Cambridge he travelled to London to attend the lectures of the surgeon William Hunter. From 1753 to 1756 he studied medicine in Edinburgh which was, at that time, a major centre for medical education in Europe. He took his MB degree from Cambridge in 1755.”� This passage should have included reference to Mingo’s fondness for trout fishing, kite flying, and raising purebred white tigers in the halcyon days of his youth. We regret the error.

A Signing Day Liveblog misidentified an anonymous recruit from Albany, Georgia as being “Mongolian.” We meant to type “Mongoloid,” and stand by our scouts’ estimates of his intelligence. We regret the error, even though he can’t read this.

During our Signing Day Liveblog Impromptu Pop Quiz, we mistakenly indicated that Dre Kirkpatrick mistook his Texas cap for an Alabama cap because he’s an arrogant little dicksmack. Dre Kirkpatrick mistook his Texas cap for an Alabama cap because he cannot read. We regret the error.

Thursday’s Final EDSBS HOT 172 1/2 listed the bottom ten in the incorrect order. The corrected order follows:

163. Buffalo
164. Ezell Road First Baptist Church and 15 Minute Embroidery Shop
165. Air Force (The actual Air Force)
166. Army (The Football team.)
167. Bun B’s Green Milers, High Stylers, and Billion Dolla Bitchez.
168. The Gays (publicly reported; real totals estimated to be much higher.)
169. Army (The actual Army)
170. Al-Qaeda
171. Lupus
172. Syracuse
172 1/2. Shreveport, Louisiana.

We regret the error.

Booorrrrrn freeeeee…..

Tuesday’s “Profiles in Cocksmack” listed the title of Les Miles’ forthcoming autobiography as White Hunter Black Heart, owing to the LSU head coach’s fondness for Clint Eastwood. The actual working title is Hat ‘em High. We regret the error.

On Wednesday, we wrote the following: “The Stanford band was banned from playing at Notre Dame after performing a parody of the Irish Potato Famine in 2004.” The Stanford Band contacted us and wrote: “We were not performing a parody of the Irish Potato Famine, but were instead saluting its accomplishments with a tribute to it.” �We regret the error.

In Monday’s Fulmer Cupdate, we reported that South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia spent last weekend in Columbia City Jail after attempting to rob an area bank while wearing a chicken suit. Garcia is actually being detained in Lexington County Jail. Tiny Floating Matthew McConaughey was unavailable for comment. We regret the error

Bret Bielema’s new goatee was referred to on this website as “prison pussy” by commenter Oops Pow Surprise. While the opinions of our commenters do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this website, we would like to apologize for this comment, as it clearly crossed the line. From this point out, we will instead refer to it as “The Madison Fly Catcher.”

This morning’s “Today in Pac-10 Irreversible Facial Mutilations” contained an item suggesting that USC’s Pete Carroll is sporting a fresh teardrop tattoo a a result of junior quarterback Mark Sanchez’s decision to forgo his senior season for the draft. Coach Carroll was in fact given the tattoo after losing new offensive coordinator John Morton to a street gang in a dice game in east Los Angeles. Morton’s whereabouts remain unknown. We regret the error.

In our “Mixin’ It Up! Celebrity Edition,” Chris Spielman’s favorite cocktail was listed as a an “Old-Fashioned.” This is incorrect: Spielman’s favorite cocktail is a creation of his own making, “The ‘Woody-Maker.” The recipe follows: two parts Lee Labrada ProV60 Meal Replacement shake, two parts grain alcohol, one part Ephedra, one part kerosene, and then top off with ginger beer. Float with 151 Rum, and garnish with lit roadflare. Drink at room temperature without stirring. We regret the error.

Wednesday’s “Recruiting Roundup” included a quote from a Tom Lemming report suggesting that “Notre Dame has not…” The words “not” nor any other negative words have ever appeared in the same sentence re: Notre Dame in a Tom Lemming report. Myron Rolle, currently in prison for human trafficking and shoe theft, wailed “If I’d only listened to you, I’d have been a Rhodes Scholar and future first round NFL draft pick!” �We regret the error.

Friday’s profile of Tennessee’s returning starters contained a passage attributed to Eric Berry in which he compared himself to The Grapes of Wrath’s Tom Joad. The player stating “Wherever there’s suffering, I’ll be there” was actually Jonathan Crompton, and he didn’t mean it in a good way.� Eric Berry identifies more with the Turtle, supplying the only memorable moments in a filthy plodding mess of enterprise. We regret the error.

Wednesday’s analysis of the Big East recruiting power structure implied that Mountaineers head coach Bill Stewart is the Mothman, an apocryphal creature allegedly responsible for several terrible accidents in West Virginia’s history, including the collapse of the Silver Bridge in 1967. EDSBS Labs scientists have since ruled out this possibility, explaining that the pain wreaked by Stewart is brought on more by inaction and incompetence than outright malice.

Brian Kelly is the� Mothman. We regret the error.

Thursday’s “Hits and Missus” family advice column cited the example of Chris Dalman as someone who chose family over football, as he quit the Stanford football staff to “spend more time with his wife and kids.” Dalman’s representatives called this week to clarify Dalman’s reasons for leaving, which should have read as the following.

Chris Dalman is leaving Stanford to spend more time with your wife and his kids.

We regret the error and wish Coach Dalman luck in his future endeavours.

Tuesday’s Curious Index included an item implying that Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin is part unicorn.� We have since been provided with a file photo revealing the horn in question is actually an egg tooth. Kiffin’s mother assures us it fell off in early adolescence. We regret the error.

Push, little one!

Wednesday’s horoscopes feature advised readers born under the sign of the Bull to “take a cue from fellow Tauran Ed Orgeron and refrain from throwing any coffee tables while visiting strange living rooms this week.”� Coach Orgeron, born July 27th, is actually a Leo.� We regret the error, though we maintain this is good advice in any case.

Wednesday’s profile of the Tennessee-Kentucky series stated that, in the interest of heightening publicity for the rivalry, school officials have decided to refer to the annual game in all literature as the Moonshine Cup, a nod to the proud alcoholic nature of both teams.� This morning we received the following statement from Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton: “While grain alcohol certainly plays an important role in this historic series, we have decided in the interest of modern parlance to title our contest the Methamphetamine Cup.” We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “Catching up with Beano,” we attributed the following quote to Beano Cook:

�There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit�I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. The odor of a beer shit like that spread all around and stayed for a good hour-and-a-half. It made you realize that you were really alive.�

This was misattributed. It is from Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski, and was written by the boozing author himself. It was, however, inspired by a particularly burly beer-induced bowel movement taken by Cook at Bukowski’s residence in 1980. Bukowski was forced to rehang the wallpaper in the apartment after the resulting stench stripped it from the walls.

On Thursday we reported that former Nebraska quarterback Eric Crouch has been earning a living since the collapse of the All American Football League by penning a series of paperback romance novels under the name Sebastian Sharpspear. This story was based on poor sourcing, and we have since learned Mr. Crouch’s nom de plume is actually Dash Steelmidnight. We regret the error.

Friday’s “Cars of the Coaches” featured a Saturn Sky Roadster mistakenly labeled as belonging to Les Miles. Miles and his staff do not drive Saturn products, and instead travel on official business exclusively in perpetually flipping vintage Chevrolet muscle cars surrounded by balls of constantly burning fire.

Miles and assistant coach Gary Crowton seen here on a recruiting trip to Lake Charles, Louisiana.

We regret the error.

On Monday, we reported that Ron Zook has accepted an offseason endorsement deal with the Hollister clothing company, and that his shirtless billboard campaign has been the source of much consternation among U of I boosters. Coach Zook’s contract is with Abercrombie & Fitch. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, we reported that former SEC announcer Ron Franklin had been arrested for public intoxication in his hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. Franklin was in actuality arrested for armed robbery. We regret the error.

On Wednesday, the caption for the following photo was listed incorrectly.

It is not, as we listed, the “Jungle House” in the Dominican Republic that former coach Bobby Pruett used to entertain Marshall football recruits. The real “Jungle House” had a helipad and one of those windtunnel phone booths filled with cash used in radio promos, along with many hot tubs filled with naked local women. The house pictured actually belongs to Space Emperor and Michigan punter Zoltan Mesko, who just dares you to try to come within five miles of its impregnable defenses.

On Tuesday we reported that Navy head coach Ken Niumatalolo has accepted an offer to join the Broadway cast of Wicked following the 2008 football season. Coach Niumatalolo explains in a follow-up interview in this week’s EDSBS THE MAGAZINE that while he was thrilled to be approached, he feels his voice is better suited to legit pop than belting and wants to preserve his talents to record a solo album. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s “Trends and Friends” segment mistakenly identified the motto for this season’s Texas Tech Raiders as “We ARRRRRRRRR Texas Tech.” They have no official motto for the 2008 campaign. We regret the error.

In Wednesday’s interview with Nate Longshore, we reported that the Cal quarterback can frequently be seen on campus engaging in vigorous energy policy debates with his imaginary friend, a unicorn named Fizzywinkles. Mr. Longshore’s companion is called Merriman Poole. We regret the error.

On the contrary, whether you favor the cap-and-trade model or a carbon tax, you miss the central impediment, which is to say, either could be ineffectual due to substandard implementation and design.

In Thursday’s piece “Tim Tebow: The Contract Rider”, our staff made several erroneous inferences. “Fluffernutters and The Sound of Music” refers simply to the fact that Mr. Tebow enjoys relaxing in his dressing room after appearances with a Fluffernutter sandwich and VHS copy of the classic musical. Any other implications are factual inaccuracies on our part. We regret the error.

This concludes the Corrections for this offseason. Real, actual football discussion based on actual football games being played, actually, will be the order of the day by this time next week. Thanks to Pam Ward, without whose unfortunate verbal meanderings (”He’s out of this week’s game with some criminal trouble…I’m sorry, that’s a hamstring”) this feature would not have been hatched. And for the last time, Columbia, South Carolina is the maw of Hell. — Not an error.