Last Thursday, we reported that Tim Tebow had been named the spokesperson for the conservative action group Concerned Parents Against the New “Tween” Dora the Explorer (CPANTDE). Tebow declined CPANTDE’s invitation to be their spokesman, but did release a statement on the organization’s behalf urging Dora’s creators to give her a more modest wardrobe. We regret the error.

Everybody on your tummies!

In the Friday mini-post “Jock Makeovers,” we reported the secondhand news that Matthew Stafford pronounced his hair “off-limits” to Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova. “Hair” should have read “ass,” because the number one draft pick ain’t lettin’ anyone go two hole on him no matter how Moscow ghetto hot Miss Thing might be. Enrique might have been down with a trip to browntown, but Matt Stafford’s nobody’s finger puppet.

Friday’s piece, “Better Know A Big XII Spiritual Meltdown”, reported that Missouri’s Jeremy Maclin had been found to be living in the Tigers’ locker room after the conclusion of spring practices to escape the emotional rigors of the draft prep limelight. The stuffed rabbit Maclin was photographed clutching in his sleep, however, did not belong to him. It is a childhood treasure named Twinkles, on loan from a sympathetic strength coach. We regret the error.

In this week’s “What’s Your Coach Twittering?” feature, we attributed two messages to USC head coach Pete Carroll: ”If there’s one thing that gets me more excited than spring football, it’s waiting for tickets for the new Cannibal Corpse tour to go on sale” and “Guess some old ladies don’t appreciate being told ‘rub some dirt on it’ when you bump their Rascal scooter in the parking lot.” In fact, these messages were Twittered by former South Carolina coach and current ESPN commentator Lou Holtz. We apologize to Carroll, Holtz, and Cannibal Corpse for the mixup.

Monday’s Curious Index reported that a crackerjack research team at Duke University’s renowned biology laboratory has discovered Blue Devils head coach David Cutcliffe’s folksy chuckle can cure rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis in adult test subjects.  This was based on preliminary data, and neglected to include later findings that Cutcliffe’s laughter also was found to be an efficient means of pain management for lupus patients. We regret the error.

In our latest edition of The Week In Bowden Jurisprudence, we reported the arrest of Tommy Bowden for simple battery in a Birmingham Starbucks.  Law enforcement personnel have since confirmed that Bowden was actually detained for loitering, after spending several fruitless hours wandering the store, coughing conspicuously and typing exaggeratedly on his BlackBerry in a vain attempt to be acknowledged by another human being. We regret the error.

Monday’s interview with Florida Atlantic’s Howard Schnellenberger contained an incorrect inference on the part of our reporting staff. Although Schnellenberger spoke at great length about his interests in the healing powers of being immersed in water and the “laying on of hands”, he is not an ordained minister. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s editorial, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist” contained a typographical error in the headline, which should have read, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist, Bitches and Bitchfisters.” We regret the error.

Monday’s Jumpstart Previews included this quote from Paul Johnson recounting his early days at Georgia Tech:
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Monday’s cooking segment “In the Kitchen with the Texas Tech O-Line” contained several factual inaccuracies.  Contrary to stated remarks by left tackle Brandon “Mankind” Carter, it is not possible to become pregnant by ingesting whole quail eggs. Also, mussels that do not open when steamed can in fact cook through and are safe to eat. We regret the error.

A clarification is needed for a quote in Wednesdays’ “Spring Practice Capsules.” We quoted Steve Spurrier improperly due to a typographical error. The quote should have read:

We just fiddle around the wishbone in practice. It’s not for game situations, just something for the guys. The wishbone is strictly for the guys.

We apologize for any offense the gay community may have taken at the implications of the typo as it originally appeared in the piece. The wishbone is a football offense open to both straight and gay football players, and has no preferences no matter how many dive penetration jokes you make. We regret the error.

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In this morning’s Curious Index, we reported Johnny Majors was seen walking the sidelines at a recent Tennessee practice. Majors was in fact being wheeled about in an oak barrel full of corn liquor, his transport of choice since 2002. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “Workout Tips”, the Wisconsin Badgers’ strength and conditioning coaches did confirm that they had procured a WWE-style weight belt for the stated purpose of motivating their players to give championship efforts in spring and summer workouts.  They have not, however, hired Joey Styles to scream “OH MY GOD” at players during particularly intense workouts as reported on Tuesday.  We would like to state that the fact they haven’t is a goddamn shame, and we regret the error.

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In this week’s published excerpts from Brent Musberger’s forthcoming autobiography, his ABC broadcasting partner Kirk Herbstreit revealed that they train as triathletes in the offseason to stay in shape, and that Musberger has rescued Herbstreit from archaeopteryx attacks in open water on four separate occasions. We have since been informed that our transcript was in error, and that Musberger rescued Herbstreit from sharks. The archaeopteryx has been extinct for millions of years. We regret the error.

“Clever girl.”

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Last Friday’s “Where Are They About To Be Now?” feature reported that Tennessee sophomore Gerald Jones will spend his summer vacation in a traveling production of Avenue Q, to improve his agility and lung capacity. Jones will be featured as The Count in the more kid-friendly Sesame Street Live. We regret the error, and reiterate that the Jones family does not condone puppet sex in any form.

Ah-ah! [thunderclap]

Monday’s post entitled “Bret Bielema Shreds!”, we reported that Bret Bielema uses old karaoke tracks to provide the background for his series of moving interpretations of popular songs. He in fact constructs the song himself with MIDI instrument tracks, and then uploads them carefully at the end of a long day. We were accurate in reporting that his favorite track is “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog, because he gets to sing both parts.

Monday’s Better Know Your SEC Snack Foods mistakenly reported that gunpowder, a key ingredient in any crawfish boil, was invented by the Chinese in the tenth century.  (more…)

Tuesday’s article “Division I Coaches in the Top 40″ mistakenly claimed that Whitney Houston’s classic single “I Will Always Love You” was originally dedicated to Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio. The inspiration for the song was actually a torrid affair between Houston and Wisconsin’s Bret Bielema in the late 1980s. We regret the error.

You know good and well we could have run this photo unaltered and no one would’ve known the difference.

In Thursday’s review of Watchmen, EDSBS Senior Film Critic Sketch Diddlepants wrote:

“Dr. Manhattan is a glowing superhero who spends much of his screen time showing off his iridescent blue penis …”

This did not refer to Dr. Manhattan or Watchmen, and was instead incorrectly cut and pasted from a review of Tim Brando’s new off-Broadway one man show, “Brando: The Naked Truth.” We regret the error.

Last Friday’s Tennessee guest column “Goddamn You Dave Goddamn Clawson” suggested that the ousted Tennessee offensive coordinator was successful in his former position as head coach of the Richmond Spiders because “Division I-AA isn’t actual football”. (more…)

In Thursday’s Weather Schmeather Update, we erroneously predicted “blood rain, windy/  low of 38 degrees” for South Bend, Indiana. The low will actually be 17 degrees F. As a step to prevent further inaccuracies, Charlie Weis announced he will be predicting the weather himself for the 2009 season.

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On Tuesday we reported that firefighters had to be summoned to Dollywood to extract Lane Kiffin from the Waltzing Swinger ride, where his foot had become entangled in a chain.  The child retrieved from the swings was 8-year-old Charlie Moore of Sevierville, and no rescue workers were involved.  The fire crew in question actually extricated Kiffin from a slide in the Cascade Pool at nearby Dolly’s Splash Country, where his arm had gotten stuck in a drain. He was treated at a nearby hospital for superficial injuries and released. We regret the error.

In Thursday’s in-depth piece on Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney’s ongoing struggle with dissociative identity disorder, we reported that Swinney’s alter ego, “Trent,” murdered two prostitutes in Thailand in the summer of 2003. However, this information was erroneous: Swinney himself murdered the prostitutes, while Trent has maintained a loving 15-year marriage with Swinney’s wife, Kathleen, and raised the family’s three young sons. Trent was also the coach during Clemson’s 13-3 win over Virginia in November. We apologize to both Swinney and Trent, and regret the error.

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Monday’s Sherrill Cupdate, which tallies the offseason recruiting violations of Division I programs, reported that the University of Tennessee had utilized a smoke machine to simulate a gameday experience in Neyland Stadium for prospective players. We have since learned that the apparatus in question was not a smoke machine, but an active volcano created when recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron punched through the ground to the Earth’s molten core. We regret the error.

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