Monday’s profile of Alabama athletic director Mal Moore listed online roleplaying games among his many hobbies and described him as a “tenth level Elf-Dragon”. Mr. Moore is actually an extremely accomplished paladin, and there is also no such thing as an Elf-Dragon. We regret the error.

Roll Tide!

On Tuesday, we reported that the University of Tennessee had, following the firing of Johnny Majors, considered attempting to hire Florida coach Steve Spurrier to replace the longtime Vol coach. This was inaccurate; Tennessee made no such attempt, a point clarified to us at great length in a phone call from Tennessee officials earlier this week. The candidate Tennessee wanted most to replace Johnny Majors was not Spurrier, but rather country music legend David Allen Coe. We regret the error.

Monday’s continuing series on the struggle to rebuild Columbus following last year’s Ohio State-Michigan victory celebrations misidentified an image as a neighborhood just south of campus. The photo in question is actually of a Beirut bomb crater. We regret the error.

O-H!

Monday’s “Where Are They Now?” segment featured a collection of inaccuracies we would like to address here. Purdue is located in West Lafayette, Indiana, not Louisiana. The Heisman Trophy was, until 2001, awarded annually not at Radio City Music Hall, but at the Downtown Athletic Club. And finally, Eric Crouch played at Nebraska, not at Iowa State, and at no point in his adult life fought a crippling addiction to drinking window cleaner he consumed to quiet the voices of relentless murder in his head. We regret the error.

He does, however, have unusually silky dark brown hair and particularly delicate, almost feminine eyelashes his female friends just can’t stop gushing over. His secret pride in this forces him to question his understanding of his own masculinity.

The Tuesday Grid-Iron Crossword had an ambiguous clue under “14 letter word for former coach at Texas A&M and Mississippi State.” Both the words “Jackie Sherrill” and “Piglickingcheat” fit the slot in the puzzle, causing some consternation among our readers, especially as “piglickingcheat” contains more letters than “Jackie Sherrill.” We regret the error, and clearly have no place assembling crossword puzzles in the first place.

A Wednesday evening news flash reported that former Kentucky coach Hal Mumme was among a band of notorious pirates captured by peacekeeping troops in April off the coast of Mozambique. Mr. Mumme has since been located, and apparently serves as the head football coach at “New Mexico State University”. We regret the error.

The lead story “Sean McDonough: Announcer at Large” on Monday inaccurately described McDonough as being “three apples high.” This refers to the apocryphal height of smurfs, not McDonough. The announcer himself is easily five apples high, and will kick a fucking Smurf in the teeth without hesitation, especially if shirtless white-pant wearing punk suckas walk up on him and take him seven-on-one again like they did after the Continental Tire Bowl BECAUSE THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF PUNK SHIT YOU FRENCH SURRENDER MIDGETS PULL, DON’T YOU SMURFS? WHAT? HUH? YEAH! GARGAMEL AIN’T GOT SHIT ON THIS! BRANG YO BEST, LAWYA!

We regret the error.

Our lead post on Thursday stated that an EDSBS staffer was critically injured after being lured into an open rain gutter with promises of a shiny balloon. The report further named the assailant as Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt. The perpetrator has since been correctly identified as Pennywise the Dancing Clown. The Turtle cannot help us, and we regret the error.

Monday’s piece dealing with booster concerns in Knoxville over player discipline reported that Tennessee punter Britton Colquitt has been ordered to hand-wash coach Phillip Fulmer’s car after repeated alcohol-related violations. Colquitt is to wash Coach Fulmer’s wife’s car. Additionally, a quote from Florida coach Urban Meyer calling the punishment “harsh” was not included. We regret the error and the omission.

Tuesday’s “Players who have never, ever, ever smoked marijuana EVER” piece listed Ryan Perrilloux as one of “college football’s most stalwart anti-reefer crusaders struggling to save youth from the smoky stinking menace of cannabis.” We are obviously wrong here, and we regret the error.

An interview with Mark Richt credited the Georgia head coach’s unnaturally taut and shiny complexion to candle wax drippings. Coach Richt favors paraffin to keep his pores filled and shimmering. We regret the error

Shiny!

On Thursday we mentioned that Chris Fowler had dropped to a 4-day low of 0.9203 against the Indonesian rupiah in early Asian trading on Monday, and that the rupiah-Fowler pair was worth 0.9178 at Friday’s close. (more…)

Yesterday we reported that, in the wake of their smash hit calendar, University of Oregon linemen will be sponsored in the 2008-2009 season by furniture retailer IKEA. The deal has, in fact, been brokered with West Elm. We regret the error.

Can you spot the difference? Us neither.

Tuesday’s “Stuff Purple and White People Like” reported that Northwestern football fans liked something. As the sample size is both too small and too busy telling everyone how they went to Northwestern, and then explaining where it is, and that it’s just an amazing school, and I can’t believe how you’ve never heard of it, the list is declared invalid. We regret the error.

Monday’s Ryan Perrilloux Blotter Roundup reported that the troubled LSU quarterback was again questioned by Baton Rouge law enforcement officials on suspicion of assault on a federal officer. Perrilloux was cited for fishing without a license. We regret the error.

On Monday, we reported that the Missouri Tigers had taken the lead in the Fulmer Cup on a weed arrest of Austin Wuebbels. Wuebbels called our offices on Thursday and corrected us: he was not arrested for weed possession, but for riding dirty. He then went on to explain, and we print his description of the scene in its entirety.

They see me rollin’–they hatin’. Patrolling, they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty. Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty. Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty. Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty. Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty.

Wuebbels then informed us he was going to have to “Laugh at you, then I’mma have to cruise, because I’m in number two on some more DJ Screw.” We regret the error, and thank Wuebbels for the clarification.

A Thursday news bulletin reported that Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach has been facing harsh criticism for a training exercise called “Walk the Plank”, in which blindfolded receivers are made to stand on a swimming pool diving board and bombarded from all sides with footballs until they either make a two-handed catch or are knocked into the water. The game is called “Pieces of Eight.” We regret the error.

On Wednesday, we stated that former University of Miami receiver and fired color commentator Lamar Thomas’ favorite sexual finishing move was an Alabama Hot Pocket. This is incorrect; it is actually an Alligator Fuckhouse. We regret the error.

Wednesday’s investigation into the new offense at West Virginia contained numerous innacurate accounts of new head coach Bill Stewart’s bizarre behavior since arriving in Morgantown. We reported that he has cut and dyed his hair to match that of his predecessor, Rick Rodriguez, and also published allegations that he had thrown the Rodriguez’ s new puppy from a highrise window. These are plot elements from the film Single White Female, and according to a followup survey of Mountaineer players and assistants, do not paint an accurate portrait of life in the new Stewart regime. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s “Coaches in Media” report incorrectly identified Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson as the face of the Dos Equis “The Most Interesting Man In The World” campaign. As of press time, Coach Erickson is not affiliated with Dos Equis in any professional capacity. We regret the error.

Our Wednesday profile piece on Mike Patrick described his hobbies as baking, reading the early poetry of Wordsworth, and rubbing his dirty underwear on public drinking fountains when no one is looking. One of these is inaccurate; we regret the error.

A Monday night editorial took the position that University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow would make a terrible companion in an adventure film, as his do-gooder nature would press him to ensure that any treasure discovered under the sea/in the desert/in the jungle would make its way to the descendants of worthy indigenous peoples and not to finance a sweet houseboat. Upon being informed of Mister Tebow’s medical prowess, however, it is the position of the EDSBS staff that his skill in dressing and suturing field wounds would prove invaluable and that his squinty blue eyes would look totally boss gazing into the distant sunset on the one-sheet. We regret the error. He’s so dreamy! In an unforgiving, all-slaughtering Christian gladiator kind of way–ed.

Tuesday’s Curious Index identified the Zodiac Killer as former UCLA coach Terry Donohue. This is inaccurate, as we all know it was Lil’ Red. We regret the error.

Because man is the most dangerous animal…

Wednesday’s bulletin stating that the Iowa Hawkeyes have canceled spring practices was inaccurate. The management, while standing by our reporter’s account of empty locker rooms and silent practice fields, concedes that it is possible there may exist players not yet arrested or dismissed from the team, perhaps frightened by strangers into hiding under benches. We regret the error.

A dispatch from South Carolina’s spring practices on Thursday stated, “There is evil there that does not sleep. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.” This is a passage from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord Of The Rings, and was improperly attributed to the city of Columbia instead of the hellish inferno of Mordor. We regret the error.

Mordor’s architecture is far superior. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “The People In Your Neighborhood” interview, a Starbucks barista who regularly serves Washington Huskies coach Ty Willingham recounted his stormy dissatisfaction with the chain’s new Pikes Place brew. This was based on false information and bad sourcing. A spokeswoman for the UW athletic department released a statement stating that while Coach Willingham is not a fan of the lighter roast, he recognizes that the baristas can only do so much with the quality of beans available to them. We regret the error.

Mistakes: we make ‘em. The corrections for the week of 4/11/08 follow.

Serbian, not Macedonian.

In a news bulletin last Monday, we stated that Penn State head coach Joe Paterno has retained the services of a Madeconian organized crime enforcer, Anton Yiminev, to ensure his players adhere to strict disciplinary guidelines for the remainder of the offseason. Mister Yiminev is from Serbia. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, we covered the story of a tiny stray dog named Winkie. Winkie was found under an overpass, encrusted with filth and malnourished to a frightening degree. Winkie has also lost a leg, was frightened of thunder, and demonstrated stress-related incontinence and heartworm. EDSBS apologizes for misidentifying Winkie, whose actual name is “The Temple Football Program.” We regret the error.

Texas DC Will Muschamp was quoted Wednesday as telling straggling safeties their tears tasted “like hot buttered taffy.” Mr. Muschamp’s assertion was, in fact, that the tears tasted “like hot buttered titties.” We regret the error.

On Tuesday, We referred to the founding date of the University of Kansas as 1865. This was an inaccuracy; the University of Kansas was founded in 832 B.C. by a band of passionately intellectual Cantonese monks with horrific senses of direction. This explains the Kansan tradition of eating barbecued dogs on sunny Wednesdays and the cheer “Rock Chalk Jayhawk,” which comes from the Cantonese “Rok Chok Jai Hok, roughly translated as “Next time bring a fucking compass, turtle egg bastardman.”

An interview with Clemson coach Tommy Bowden in Sunday’s CFB Style section listed his favorite television show as “Baywatch”. Coach Bowden’s favorite program is “Baywatch Nights.”

A feature on spring practice highlights listed the only touchdown of Florida’s final scrimmage as being thrown by Cameron Newton. The touchdown was actually thrown by Broadway star Carol Channing, who then delighted onlookers with a rousing rendition of Hello, Dolly. We regret the error.

Former Tennessee quarterback Casey Clausen was not, as we reported Tuesday morning, found dead of autoerotic asphyxiation in a Gatlinburg motel room. Mr. Clausen currently sells insurance in his native state of California. We regret the error.

Yesterday on this site, we published a speculative piece on Pete Carroll’s sudden need for batteries. Additional research has determined that the batteries are, in fact, a vital piece of the freshman conditioning program at USC.

We regret the error. The goldfish regrets not hiding in the plastic treasure chest in the pet shop aquarium.

On Wednesday, in our interview with BYU legend and Heisman Winner Ty Detmer, we identified the interviewee as “Ty Detmer, BYU Legend and Heisman winner.” In actuality, in the interview took place between Orson Swindle and Leonard “T-Money” Jerrell, a sketchy black dude who hangs out at the Citgo at the corner of Atlanta Road and Dekalb Avenue in Decatur, GA. Ty Detmer does not approve of your ass, ma’am, or at least because he has not seen it, though he is sure that it is a fine ass, if a bit large for his taste. Nor does he identify his chief interests as “ballin, and runnin’ this shit like the Dean of the Dec, lawya.” Ty Detmer has no wish to Ball or Run Shit. We regret the error.

Mistakes: we make them. The corrections for the week of 3/31–4/4/08 follow.

–On Thursday, in our piece on the spread option, we suggested that Rich Rodgriguez played the lead role in the 1992 horror film Dr. Giggles. This role was played by Larry Drake. We regret the error.

We regret the error.

–Earlier in the week, we reported that Rick Neuheisel was seen escorting a dozen rising high school seniors to Scores, a downtown Los Angeles strip club. They were actually spotted at Spearmint Rhino. We regret the error.

–We also reported that UCLA “may have serious offensive line depth issues.” This was inaccurate, and we apologize. UCLA has no offensive line, and therefore no issues.

–In a piece on Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen, we reported that his early spring passes “fluttered through the air like the flight patterns of his totem, the emu.” The emu is a flightless bird. We regret the error.

–On Monday, we listed Frank Beamer’s hometown as “Mt. Airy, North Carolina.” There is no such state as North Carolina, and as it turns out, no such town as Mt. Airy. His true hometown is Gritnails, West Virginia, a small town outside of Barbedwiredsburg. We regret the error.

–In our weekly ACC roundup, we reported that Virginia’s Al Groh took the news of his players’ latest legal woes in silence, with merely a raised eyebrow. Further research indicated that Coach Groh was actually sleeping at the time and dreaming of a particularly intriguing dish of tapioca. We regret the error.

–Yesterday’s Daily Ryan Perrilloux Blotter post reported that the LSU quarterback’s latest banishment from the practice field resulted from his hijacking of a paddle-wheel boat in a nearby bayou last weekend. The vessel in question was a pontoon boat. We regret the error.

–On Wednesday, we showed video of old Michigan workout routines. We apologize: this footage was actually from Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” video. The correct footage is posted below.

–Tuesday’s spring practice report stated that Seminoles head coach Bobby Bowden has been teaching flat-footed receivers to dance the Maypole to improve agility. The players have been learning “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.” We regret the error.

Monday’s “TV Bulletin” reported that the Miami/Florida game on September 6th has been moved to 6 p.m., EST. This is incorrect. A representative from the Miami program requested a move to kickoff the game at “10:00 p.m. or so-ish” in order to allow locals to be on time and lookin’ right and shit. We regret the error.

We all make mistakes. In fact, some of us specialize in them. Thus, we present the EDSBS Corrections for the week through 3/28/08.

Mistakes: we make ‘em.

On Tuesday, we mentioned that Bo Pelini’s middle name was “Steven.” This is incorrect: Pelini’s middle name is Wrathhammer. We regret the error.

On Monday, we quoted the number of sacks allowed by Notre Dame last year as 58. This was correct, but left out the other stat lines.

Pressures: 324

Disembowelments: 15

Decapitations: 7

Drawn and Quartered: 9

Thrown off cliff in Iraq by U.S. soldiers: 3

Strapped in chair and forced to watch Ang Lee’s The Hulk: 1

Again, we regret the error.

On Wednesday, we referred to Bobby Bowden as a former lover of Rudolf Nuryev and “one of the most notorious power bottoms in the Castro’s jet-set weekend crew in the 70s” This was based on false information and bad sourcing, and we regret the error.

Also on Wednesday, we implicated Bobby Bowden in the shooting of Tupac Shakur. This, too, was based on bad information. (Thank god we didn’t actually do that…unlike the LA Times actually did to someone.)

On Tuesday, we referred to our consumption of Tylenol Orange Flavored Cough Medicine in Las Vegas. This was a misrepresentation. We were actually smoking moonrock and huffing benzene at the time and chasing it with the Orange Drank. We regret the error.

On Monday, we suggested that Rutgers coach Greg Schiano was lactose-intolerant. This is not accurate. He is just naturally gassy and has a problem processing complex starches. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we reported on the death of Brent Musberger in a Texas hotel room following a squabble with Mexican drug dealers and an unstoppable, shadowy killer fond of coin flips. This did not actually happen, and was instead the plot of the Oscar-winning No Country For Old Men with the words “Brent Musburger” put in place of “Josh Brolin.” Again, we regret the error.