Pitt redshirt senior Adam Gunn earned the rare sixth year of eligibility from the NCAA after suffering a broken vertebra in his neck on a hit against Bowling Green. The helmet-to-helmet collision gave him a concussion and a fracture of the C-5 vertebra in his neck, eventually requiring surgery to fuse it to the C-4, put Gunn in a neck brace, and file the appeal for extra year.

Gunn may have decided to begin this second chance at football and a senior year as a starting linebacker by running headlong into the arms of the police and tackling an impressive array of charges: resisting arrest, failure to disperse, disorderly conduct, and public drunkeness, all done on Sunday morning in what reeks of a FnDC/Nightlife Decathlete case. As all are misdemeanors, so it’s four more points for Pitt, a school making a di-dangity-dang-dang strong run in the offseason-long barfight of the Fulmer Cup.

ps. Bonus fun comment from Pitt Sports Blather!

keep getting in trouble guys – anything to get the wannstache fired! Please!

So…cold…at…this…thought…no…Wannstache….in…life…we actually shudder at the thought of this happening. Pitt fans might not, but life without the Wannstache seems like a poorer, less macho place to be.

Assistant: Coach! Guess who’s going pro?

Wannstedt: [pauses]

Assistant: Come on…the running back?

Wannstedt: [pauses]

Assistant: The one who only averaged 23 carries a game? Carried our team? MVP of our year, essentially?

Wannstedt: GOSH THIS IS HARD OWWWWWWWW.

Assistant: Whoa, coach. You better relax and have some tea. Want me to get you some chamomile.

Wannstedt: Yeah, buddy. That would be great. But tell me: who is it?

Assistant: LeSean McCoy.

Wannstedt: Who?

Assistant: Our running back?

Wannstedt: I…I only know the numbers.

Assistant: Number 25, sir.

Wannstedt: DAMMIT THINKBALL!!! THINK FASTER TIME NEXT!!! STUPID WANNSTEDT THINKBALL!!!

Assistant: I’ll be back with that tea, coach.

Oh, you might have thought you were just talking about Notre Dame, or Nebraska, or whatever doomed team you were trying to hype into believing they could beat a far superior team. But in reality, Lou, we were all taking a knee and drinking it in like wide-eyed freshmen. Like them, for one fateful instant, we believed.

Now you’re Dr. Lou…which forces us to sing songs of lament and instant nostalgia.

(HT: OPS and Holly on the Holtzfarks.)

God forbid you take a second off that spreadsheet, but if your boss is a Mark May-scale dick and won’t let you take two minutes to watch a fine internet production, listen or download below. Boston Market has a great dinner special for $6.99.

MP3 File

Image from Souf Oaklin’, who feels the power of the Wannstache deeply.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color.

Blue or bluish-purple. As in everyone is turning that color from holding their breath about this season. Is this the season everyone thinks it could be? Will the injuries devastate the team once more? Just how crazy are we to put all this faith in the Wannstache?

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

It depends on whether I’m on my meds or not.

With Zoloft: United States, circa 1983. Ronald Reagan came into office after the malaise of Jimmy Carter. Reagan came in making Americans feel good about themselves and the country. He promised growth and prosperity. He pushed through tax cuts, expanded spending on Defense. But there was no change. It just didn’t seem to be happening. In his first couple years, the country was still in the doldrums. There were problems. Reaganomics, indeed, looked like voodoo economics. Internationally, the Cold War looked worse than ever. While people liked and wanted to like Reagan, his administration seemed clueless.

Then things seemed to change overnight. The economy took off. Unemployment fell. We kicked Grenada’s butt. The old men in charge of the USSR kept dying, and that defense build-up could not be matched by the Soviets helping their decline and collapse. Suddenly it was Morning in America.

Without: The decline stage of the Byzantine Empire , 1180-1204. An old power. It’s old rival -– Western Roman Empire/Western Europe had been the weak sister, but had reasserted itself causing Byzantium problems. With the right leadership Byzantium could have saved itself and prospered. Instead, it was beset on all sides (Christian Crusaders/WVU, Johnny Turk/South Florida, tOSU, PSU, etc) and the weak leaders that followed in succession allowed it to be over run and destroyed (losing and losing top recruits from its own backyard).

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

LeSean McCoy, RB — Picked up close to 1300 yards without an O-line, an experienced (or accurate) QB. That he could continue to run the ball effectively when everybody knew what was coming is still a wonder.

There are better videos of McCoy, but this one is set to “Bombtrack,” so therefore there are no better videos of McCoy running into eight man fronts and winning.–ed.

Scott McKillop, MLB — 151 tackles when no other Pitt player had more than 60. The good news will be if he doesn’t average over 12 tackles/game this year. That means the D-line is more active and not relying on the linebackers to shore up the run defense.

Greg Romeus, DE — The Dave Wannstedt/old school Miami defense ideal. Strong and fast off the corner. Everyone is thinking he takes a big leap in his sophomore year.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

August 30, Bowling Green. The season opener against possibly the best team in the MAC that has 17 returning starters. The kind of game that could be taken too lightly and result in an upset and destroy all hope right off the bat.

November 28, West Virginia. After what happened last year, there just might be some interest in the 101st Backyard Brawl. Plus it’s a noon game on Friday after Thanksgiving, so what else are you going to do? Go shopping?

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

September 27 @ Syracuse. As disappointing as Pitt has been the past few years, there’s a reminder right in the conference that things could always be worse.

Yes, this is true.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

The same thing we’ve lacked every year, Pinky… an O-line.

There are just too many “ifs” on the offensive line to feel confident. If Robb Houser (JUCO) can shore up the center spot. If Jason Pinkston comes back from his injury. If Chris Jacobson is healthy. If Lucas Nix can come in and seize a starting spot on the line. If Joe Thomas can stay healthy. If the back-ups actually develop to provide depth.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

I know, Pencil Thin Mustache is the obvious choice here when the team is coached by the Wannstache. Plus there’s the addition of a power-mustache from new DC Phil Bennett (late of the SMU HC), and two other mustaches on the defensive side. Still, only Linebacker Coach Joe Tumpkin has the “Pencil Thin” version. Instead, I’m going with Beyond the End.

Mayan moon was burning
We saw visions
Of the past returning
On the shore
The band was playing
We all heard
What the moon was saying

Wannstedt was hired and spoke from day 1 about winning big at Pitt. About bringing this team back to the dominance of the late-70s and early-80s. Heading into this season, buoyed by the solid recruiting the past few years and with that one single win over WVU in December — it seems as if it is all getting close. Of course, it could all be a hallucination fueled by way too much Yuengling (look, I know I’m supposed to type Iron City there, but the stuff sucks).

Seconds away from crushing your windpipe for saying that, Chas.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Whatever Vegas installs as the over/under on the number of times the Wannstedt says, “It is what it is,” or some variation — take the over.

Thanks, Chas. For further reading on Pitt football, the Library of Congress recommends Pitt Sports Blather or The Temple of the Golden Pavillion by Yukio Mishima.

The Wannstache likely gets one more year of cruising cool in his Camaro with the re-hiring of Steve Pederson, recently canned Nebraska AD and former Pitt Athletic Director. Pederson’s first tenure at Pitt was eventful: he demolished Pitt Stadium (singlehandedly! not really!), built a new basketball arena, and oversaw one of the worst logo redos in college history:

Pederson commissioned a triangular logo of a panther that, at a distance, resembled a pit bull, or a bust of George Washington. This logo is not found on the front page of Pitt’s athletic Web site and has not been used since 2005.

One horrifying quote from the article: if Wannstedt were fired, one leading candidate for the job would be HRF3242 Beta Model 4, the cyborg known as Bill Callahan.

That’s college football’s most Dadaist rivalry trophy, the River City Rivalry, being hoisted in triumph by its unlikely holders, the Pitt Panthers. Pitt upset Cincy in the game, thus delighting long-suffering Pitt fan Chas and further stunting the hype surrounding 2007 Cincinnati’s renaissance.

It also means Pitt gets to hold the strange trophy for a year. What the hell they’ll do with it is anyone’s guess since it seems to be designed to be both impractical and unwieldy all at the same time. We can only guess at its uses, and what they’re saying at this happy, joyous moment in Pitt’s recently dismal football history.

“WOOOOO! We’re turning this party all the way up to PITT!”

“Hey! HEY! What the hell am I supposed to do with this hunk of shit? GUYS!”

Leave your own below.

(We would have had this up sooner, but our server had a stroke. It’s doing fine and resting comfortably now.)

10. The many poses of Dave Wannstedt, pt. 1: “I’d hit that.”

Seriously. I would.

9. Wannstedt has already demanded 28 points from his offense. He has also requested that Firefly be brought back on air. He’s just in a demanding kind of mood today.

8. Navy quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada and his name, which is Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, which will be pronounced with glee by the announcers every shot they get.

7. Davis/Holtz/May will call the game, meaning that with the inclusion of Holtz, the broadcast to this game just went from “scattered amusement” to “partly amusing with a 75% chance of being totally fucking surreal.”

6. The many looks of Dave Wannstedt, part two: “Dave Sings Benny Mardones.”

I’d pick youuuuuuuu up…and take you into the night….

5. Watch for mention of Pitt running back LaRod Stephens-Howling, the most aristocratic name in all of college football who should be sitting on the bench sipping a Pimm’s while clipping the thorns off his prize rose bushes.

4. Navy’s defense gave up 46 to Duke, so Pitt definitely stands a chance of putting up 20. Maybe.

3. The many looks of Dave Wannstedt, part 3: “The whole right side of my face is going numb!”

2. Again. Lou Holtz is calling this game. He may say anything or do anything. He can do magic. He can even dance, as evidenced by the end of this clip.

1. Navy runs the triple option, and we adore cromag football. It doesn’t get more cromag than that.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

The ladies from the appropriately named Ladies… took our challenge of stating their team of allegiance, creating a custom cocktail for each one of their teams, and then stating how many of each would get them a.) friendly, b.) fightin’, and c.) fuckin’.

Cocktails, Mr. O’Toole?

We give our own examples to lead off.

The Runnin’ Rhino, Florida. Take eight parts pure Vodka. Whoa, doctor, that’s some liquor. Temper with lime juice, a splash of tonic, and a whole bottle of Visine. Whoa, doctor, that’s something you’ll need a doctor for, since like the UF offense, you’ll be punching out sternums all day like Tony Jaa scoring points; and yet, like the potentially porous UF pass defense, you’ll be shitting away said advantage like a sick mink thanks to the visine.

Serve in coconut with loaded AK-47 as stirrer. An intoxicating and deadly brew, potentially! Or you can try…

The Morellitini, Penn State. Mix classic martini (2.5 oz gin/vodka, 0.5 oz vermouth) in shake with ice. Once the entire mixture has reached icy Pennsylvania winter temperatures, pour in martini glass and garnish with wedge of human brain. Immediately throw entire mixture over shoulder, onto shirt, over head, directly at someone else…just make sure that it goes nowhere near the intended target half the time you throw it.

Orson cruising ratings on all:

Friendly drunk: two drinks.

Drunk: four drinks.

Fightin’ drunk: 25 drinks. That’s an exact number.

“Compliant”: 0 drinks. (Only in hypothetical arena of sexual possibility, honey! But yes, we’re male, and therefore a complete slut, alcohol or no. One very married slut who looks like Dwight Schrute, which helps with the whole “remaining married” thing.)

And now…the Ladies present their cocktails for 2007.

The Starter Wife’s “Matt Leinart’s Who Needs A Trojan When You Can Ride It Bareback”

Wet the rim of a martini glass with tears from 2006 UCLA loss, and dip in an a 50/50 mix of cocaine and AP Pollster mind-numbing pixie dust.

Mix in cocktail shaker with ice –
3 oz Stoli Elit
2 oz Goldschlager
2 drops red food dye, or 3 drops of blood from a virgin Alpha Chi Omega

Strain and garnish with Daddy’s money, and serve with authentic Gucci napkin.

Friendly = 1 ½ Drinks “Ooh my gosh! I love Gehry too!�

Drunk = 2 ¼ Drinks “Yaaa knooow, I have a screenplay.�

Fighting Drunk = 4 Drinks “Fuck yoou. You only got in because you’re last name is ‘Annananananenberg’.�

Compliant = 5 Drinks “Does your BMW make me look fat?�

SA – Rusty Nail (Michigan)

Sometimes it’s hard being a Michigan fan. The Rose Bowl losses. The end of season losses to tOSU. The stagnant offense. There are times when you can be watching the game today and swear you are in 1975. Michigan is tradition. And more tradition. And more tradition. So a team like us need a drink that can get us through that one bad loss on our record.

And that’s why I’m giving you…the Rusty Nail. Scotch baby. With more Scotch. Or Drambuie if you like. Cause Lord knows we’re going to need it. That less than easy victory over a subpar Michigan State team that decides to play their best game against us. The way too close of a call against Illinois (although I’ve heard they’re getting better). Having to see Sweatervest with his…sweatervest. That’s a lot of work. And that’s not taking into consideration the November weather. It’s cold in Michigan. You need something to warm you up while you’re in The Big House. You want sweet and fruity, go to the Pac-10. We need something to make it through those 14-12 Big Ten games.

I don’t drink. But I do have a pretty good guestimate on how many of these it would take to get:

Friendly-A sip or two

Drunk-1

Fightin Drunk-2

Compliant-sipping down the third drink

Clare – Imp ‘n’ Arn (Pitt)

No Pitt Panther tailgate is complete without three things: 1) Portable beer pong table, 2) ‘DVE blasting from your car speakers, and 3) Imp ‘n’ Arn. The Imp ‘n’ Arn, in its classical form, is a shot of Imperial whiskey chased with a pint of Iron City, but the gameday Imp ‘n’ Arn doesn’t stand on ceremony. It’s a slug of warm rotgut whiskey from the plastic 750 ml bottle your buddy’s been carrying around for three hours in his pants pocket and a red Solo cup of whatever macrobrew you’ve got in the keg. It doesn’t taste good, but it gets you riled up for THE WANNSTACHE.

Friendly: 2
Fiesty: 7
Compliant: 5

Metschick – Manhattan (Rutgers)

I’ve thought about it long and hard, (that’s what she said!) about what alcoholic drink the Rutgers Scarlet Knights would be. It has to be something that’s been around forever (it’s a point of pride amongst the Knights that the first college football game was between the Knights and the Princeton Tigers – and Rutgers won!), something that’s bad, but has enjoyed a renaissance of sorts. Let’s see how long RU is in vogue before returning to Teh Suck. Keeping all these things in mind, it came down to this drink: The Manhattan. I’ve never even had a Manhattan (fitting – I hadn’t been to a Rutgers football game till September 06; that’s how they had sucked in the past), so I can’t even tell you what it tastes like. But that’s okay. Ask the average New Jerseyan about Rutgers, and all you’ll get is “Uh, R-U!” And it even has a cherry to put the scarlet in Scarlet Knights.

Friendly: 3/4; I’m already friendly as it is.

Drunk: 5+

Fighting Drunk: N/A. I’m a calm drunk. As a matter of fact, when I’m really drunk, I become introverted, so as not to give away the fact that I’m drunk.
Compliant: 1/2; I’m pretty damn close to compliant while sober, so just give me a few minutes.

Andrea – Black & Gold Bomb (Iowa)

1/2 pint glass Budweiser
1/2 pint glass stout (preferrably Guinness)
1 shot Hawkeye Vodka with an ear of baby corn inside

This drink must be enjoyed in a group of 4, with everyone wearing Hayden Fry aviator sunglasses and chomping on gum a la Kirk Ferentz. Fill half the pint glass with good ol’ Budweiser (no light beer), then layer the Guinness on top. Fill a shot glass with Hawkeye Vodka and an ear of baby corn (only Hawkeye Vodka will do, no substitutes). Drop the shot into the beer while singing, “In heaven there is no beer (NO BEER?), that’s why we drink it here!” then chug the drink, chewing the baby corn. Whoever finishes first out of the foursome should slam his or her drink down and shout “I” and each subsequent finisher can continue with “O,” “W,” and “A.” Continue chant for a few rounds.

This sounds like a drink that will both be potent and hard on the stomach. So, here are my numbers:

a. Friendly: 0. I’m always friendly.

b. Drunk: 3, maybe 4

c. Fighting Drunk: 0. I’m not a fighting drunk. But after 5-6, I’d become Lovey Drunk.

d. Compliant: I also call this phase “I’d sleep with Robert Gallery.” Probably 7 or 8.

J-Money – The “I Never Really Wanted To Coach Alabama” Slammer (West Fuckin’ Virginia)

OK, Mountaineers fans, let’s clear the carburetor off the kitchen table and start making drinks. We’ll limit the ingredients to things you probably have around the house: grain alcohol, buckshot, a handful of Sudafed, and a block of Velveeta.

1. To get an ‘Eer friendly, gently heat the beverage over a burning sofa and strike up a conversation using an icebreaker like “Who’s better, Slaton or Zereoue?” or “Does this look like Lyme disease to you?”

2. To get ‘em drunk, casually mention the 1988 Fiesta Bowl, then get out of the way as said Mountaineer consumes an entire pitcher of them, choking out the words “Major Harris” between crying jags, then throws up in your Crock Pot.

3. Normally, WVU fans can hold their liquor, but they’ll get fighting mad *without* drinking if you ever say any of the following:

“Mountaineers? I love Appalachian State!”
“Don Nehlen was overrated.”
“God, that John Denver song sucks.”
“Buckskin is sooo last year.”
“Want to go see We Are Marshall?”
“Black lung is for pussies.”

4. Compliant is easy. Hand your desired Mountaineer a “Pitt Eats Shit” tumbler, fill it to the brim, then casually suggest that you’d like to take them home to, ahem, adjust their rabbit ears. The next day, the only thing burning hotter than your couch will be your inflamed genitals.

Holly – Pound the Rock (Tennessee)

Let’s kick off the season with a celebration of Tennessee’s vaunted(ly ineffectual) running game–a simple, brutal cocktail that’s deeply flawed but will kill your ass done right.

* Fill a mason jar with one (very large) part moonshine.
* Add a splash of Big K orange soda (just a splash, mind–you want color, not flavor).
* Grind any available crystal meth to a fine powder, sprinkle on rim of jar.
* Stand back and have your nearest cousin throw the entire thing at your head, jar and all. Straight up the middle, right, Jimmy Ray?

Friendly: Have we met? I’m always friendly. What switchblade? Don’t be so dramatic.

Drunk: 1/2

Fighting Drunk: 3/4

Compliant: 2, plus a frying pan to the face.

Dave Wannstedt actually causes mustaches to appear on everyone around him. It’s a physical law, like gravity.

Notes:

Florida bumps up a few points thanks to the admirable and sadly illegal thievery of a dreaded UPD boot from Dorian Munroe’s car by one Dorian Munroe. We still await the popular uprising by Florida students to get Munroe’s felony charges dismissed in the case, since, as commenter DogtownGator pointed out, stealing a police boot is sticking it to the man hard like Turk 182 would. Dorian should wear the V mask during games next season just to boost his rep as Florida’s Antiauthoritarian People’s Champion.

Dorian Munroe, you’re not alone.

Henry Melton ran wild in the streets of Austin this past Friday morning, a violation of public safety applicable for both the Austin Police Department and local animal control authorities. Melton, a defensive end who served as the 270-pound Awesomeback for the Longhorns in goal-line situations in 2005, was arrested for DWI after police noticed him driving erratically through the Sixth Street entertainment district.

His lawyers plan to defend the case by claiming he was woozy from a tranq dart fired at him from a nearby helicopter of wildlife specialists and documentarians from Animal Planet. Two points for Texas, for the DWI, which we’ll happily remove on the condition that Mack Brown move Melton’s majestic bulk back to running back where it belongs.

There’s a run on tight end mischief in the ‘07 Copa, and not just at Purdue, where they run that place. Pitt TE Darrell Strong tested the limits of cellphone durability by damaging his ex-girlfriend’s phone and purse during an argument, for which he earned criminal mischief (tee-HEE!) and trespassing charges and two points for Pitt.Strong, 21, of Sunrise, Fla., is accused of damaging the woman’s purse and cell phone during the altercation that began in an apartment and moved to a fast-food restaurant in the Waterfront complex where police were called at 7:55 p.m. Monday, Homestead police Chief Jeffrey DeSimone said.

So the script ran something like this:

(Scene: apartment.)

Strong: I am so angry at you.

Girlfriend: I, too, return your anger, but suggest we eat first, and then see if this whole tiff is just low blood sugar or something.

(They leave. Scene changes to local Wendy’s.)

Strong: That Spicy Chicken Sandwich was superb.

Girlfriend: My baked potato was excellent, as well, and affordable as it is one of several great values on the dollar menu. Still mad?

Strong: Enraged, in fact. Give me your cell phone and purse. I will damage them to show you the depth of my passions.

(They fight.)

Strong was also suspended for two games last season for making an obscene gesture to South Florida fans, presumably to show them, too, the depth of his passions.

When you’re around the Wannstache this much, it’s hard not to be passionate.

Finally, you’d think we’d assess points for [NAME REDACTED] butchering “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” Instead, we’d like to point out that we told you he was magical, and you didn’t believe us. Yet there he is, with a cheat sheet in front of him to get through the lyrics…and actually using it. If magic is a crime, then arrest him…if you dare, earthling or Illini fan. It’s your 8-5 ceiling to lose.