Pitt redshirt senior Adam Gunn earned the rare sixth year of eligibility from the NCAA after suffering a broken vertebra in his neck on a hit against Bowling Green. The helmet-to-helmet collision gave him a concussion and a fracture of the C-5 vertebra in his neck, eventually requiring surgery to fuse it to the C-4, put Gunn in a neck brace, and file the appeal for extra year.
Gunn may have decided to begin this second chance at football and a senior year as a starting linebacker by running headlong into the arms of the police and tackling an impressive array of charges: resisting arrest, failure to disperse, disorderly conduct, and public drunkeness, all done on Sunday morning in what reeks of a FnDC/Nightlife Decathlete case. As all are misdemeanors, so it’s four more points for Pitt, a school making a di-dangity-dang-dang strong run in the offseason-long barfight of the Fulmer Cup.
ps. Bonus fun comment from Pitt Sports Blather!
keep getting in trouble guys – anything to get the wannstache fired! Please!
So…cold…at…this…thought…no…Wannstache….in…life…we actually shudder at the thought of this happening. Pitt fans might not, but life without the Wannstache seems like a poorer, less macho place to be.
Lou, you tried. They gave you nothing, but you tried. You were stuck out there with a few props, a whistle, and a Starter cap, and you made magic happen. Now they’ve put you in a suit, forced you to commit a felony by impersonating a doctor, and robbed you of your opportunity to look your team–that team, by the way, being AMERICA–and pump us up for the hard week ahead.
Oh, you might have thought you were just talking about Notre Dame, or Nebraska, or whatever doomed team you were trying to hype into believing they could beat a far superior team. But in reality, Lou, we were all taking a knee and drinking it in like wide-eyed freshmen. Like them, for one fateful instant, we believed.
Now you’re Dr. Lou…which forces us to sing songs of lament and instant nostalgia.
God forbid you take a second off that spreadsheet, but if your boss is a Mark May-scale dick and won’t let you take two minutes to watch a fine internet production, listen or download below. Boston Market has a great dinner special for $6.99.
Teams: there are a lot of them. To help provide you with the most outstandingly mediocre coverage of college football, we have Chas from Pitt Sports Blather and the Fanhouse to tell you all one should need to know about the Wannstache, the destructive ball of yardage known as LeSean McCoy, and Pitt football. Enjoy.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color.
Blue or bluish-purple. As in everyone is turning that color from holding their breath about this season. Is this the season everyone thinks it could be? Will the injuries devastate the team once more? Just how crazy are we to put all this faith in the Wannstache?
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Petrino on Monday, though, hinted that while he’d love for every Hog he’s inherited from the Houston Nutt regime to bond together with their teammates, develop a trust with one another and stick with the new program through what promises to be a strenuous off-season, “we may lose one or two along the way.”
The salary cap’s a bitch, Bobby. Commence the hog-killin’! And please, no one tell him there’s no cap, do not allow him to use a state cellphone, limit all contact between him and anyone he calls his agent. Now given all that: who in the SEC West remains unterrified at the prospect of Petrino’s offense in two years, once he “begs Casey Dick to stay” by throwing him in a deep fryer and hitting the recruiting trail for a qb? The man has an almost unparalleled knowledge of how to make 18-22 year old defenders look stupid, meaning he’s the offensive version of Kevin Cosgrove, but in a positive sense.
Pitt: It’s time. There’s just way too much talent to not have a productive year. Thanks to a few years of the Big East’s best recruiting classes, the Panthers have the potential to finally turn the corner with four non-bowl teams to start out the year and with West Virginia, Louisville and Rutgers coming to Heinz Field.
Au contraire: there’s never too much talent to make squandering it unavoidable, especially when you’re breaking in a new defensive coordinator. And we haven’t even discussed the fact that their coach IS DAVE WANNSTEDT, who will look great racking up a 5-0 record early before ordering a Purdue slider down to the 7-5ish Gailey couch of their final record. You don’t tell Dave Wannstedt he can’t go 7-5, sir. You just don’t.
This child and Dana Jacobson would get along like gangbusters, especially if the kid’s into public binge drinking. And most three year olds totally are. From SECFootballBlogger’s collection of hate videos:
How old is that child? We’re scared of old people, children, and amputees, so therefore have no idea. When we’re asked if we want to hold babies, we’re that asshole who says, “Um, no. I don’t know what to do with them, and they make me uncomfortable.” Boarding school, Mortimer: they’ll raise them for you!
The entire Iowa team is being sent to Gitmo. Well, there’s reasons. Remember, though: if you do send them a care package, declare it to the NCAA before doing so lest they get a recruiting violation, but just waterboard the living fuck out of them when you get the urge. It’s not torture, and is full of vitamins!
PSU TE Andrew Quarless…suspended. Bill Cowher denies even knowing who Quarless is, and reiterates that he won’t be suspending anyone as coach anywhere next season.
Pederson commissioned a triangular logo of a panther that, at a distance, resembled a pit bull, or a bust of George Washington. This logo is not found on the front page of Pitt’s athletic Web site and has not been used since 2005.
One horrifying quote from the article: if Wannstedt were fired, one leading candidate for the job would be HRF3242 Beta Model 4, the cyborg known as Bill Callahan.
That’s college football’s most Dadaist rivalry trophy, the River City Rivalry, being hoisted in triumph by its unlikely holders, the Pitt Panthers. Pitt upset Cincy in the game, thus delighting long-suffering Pitt fan Chas and further stunting the hype surrounding 2007 Cincinnati’s renaissance.
It also means Pitt gets to hold the strange trophy for a year. What the hell they’ll do with it is anyone’s guess since it seems to be designed to be both impractical and unwieldy all at the same time. We can only guess at its uses, and what they’re saying at this happy, joyous moment in Pitt’s recently dismal football history.
“WOOOOO! We’re turning this party all the way up to PITT!”
“And now Marco…summon the Old Ones! Now!”
“Who left the blue-whale-sized rectal thermometer out here?”
“Help! It’s getting warm and vibrating! Someone help!”
“Look! ON! Wannstache. OFF! No Wannstache. ON! Wannstache! OFF! No Wannstache.”
“Hey! HEY! What the hell am I supposed to do with this hunk of shit? GUYS!”
Wednesday night and football go together like the Tilt-A-Whirl and a belly full of suspect, past-date chicken wings and jello shots. Yet here they are, slammed into the middle of the week whether you like it or not, and you will watch because it’s YAY FOODBALL!!! and therefore at least worthy of a peek. You’ve already wasted half the week–why stop now?
(We would have had this up sooner, but our server had a stroke. It’s doing fine and resting comfortably now.)
10. The many poses of Dave Wannstedt, pt. 1: “I’d hit that.”
8. Navy quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada and his name, which is Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, which will be pronounced with glee by the announcers every shot they get.
7. Davis/Holtz/May will call the game, meaning that with the inclusion of Holtz, the broadcast to this game just went from “scattered amusement” to “partly amusing with a 75% chance of being totally fucking surreal.”
6. The many looks of Dave Wannstedt, part two: “Dave Sings Benny Mardones.”
I’d pick youuuuuuuu up…and take you into the night….
5. Watch for mention of Pitt running back LaRod Stephens-Howling, the most aristocratic name in all of college football who should be sitting on the bench sipping a Pimm’s while clipping the thorns off his prize rose bushes.
4. Navy’s defense gave up 46 to Duke, so Pitt definitely stands a chance of putting up 20. Maybe.
3. The many looks of Dave Wannstedt, part 3: “The whole right side of my face is going numb!”
2. Again. Lou Holtz is calling this game. He may say anything or do anything. He can do magic. He can even dance, as evidenced by the end of this clip.
1. Navy runs the triple option, and we adore cromag football. It doesn’t get more cromag than that.
1. You could just go ahead and call someone a shitbag, but that removes elegant fun from the equation. Or you could write what Paul Finebaum wrote about South Carolina’s president Andrew Sorensen, the source of last week’s brouhaha with Spurrier over disqualifying two of Spurrier’s hard-earned recruits after they met NCAA qualifying minimums. He was at UF when we were, and is an adult man who wears a bowtie and does not work in the gaming industry. This may be all you have to know about him, really, something Finebaum himself proposes.
2. DerrickDarrell Kinder’s ACL decided to take the 2007 season off due to snapping in half, leaving Pitt sans their number one wide receiver for the year. Peter King, a pro football writer and amateur male gigolo, once opined that Dave Wannstedt was a fantastic hire at the college level. He then made a remark about coffee, Brett Favre being awesome, and his daughter’s wretched and interminable field hockey career.
Feel it!
Wannstedt went 5-6, then 6-6, and just lost his number one receiver. Aside from breaking even on the field, they’re down in the standings in the ticket sales department, offering up season ticket packages at rock bottom rates–$120 for seven games, and another whole set for $10. Their defense, Wannstedt’s specialty as an assistant with the Cowboys et al,
ranked 87th last year, finishing just behind Fresno State and UAB in total defense. They suffered crushing defeats to West Virginia and Louisville to end 2006, and according to Chas, who would really, really know about this by now, they both don’t and can’t tackle on defense.
Eyeball this year’s schedule, and you’re looking at…um, 6-6. Wannstedt can recruit, but once the talent gets to Pitt, it moulders, and rarely goes to the NFL (two draft picks this year, though, a 3rd and a 6th rounder.) But…um…hey look here’s a shot of Ironhead Heyward trucking a safety in 1987! ROAAARRRGHGH!!!
3. You’ve got a fast car, fast enough that we can fly away.
Having made that joke, we will now run to the west and away from Marvin Austin for the rest of our natural lives and perhaps afterward, as well.
4. Perverse logic reigns. The best two quarterbacks in the SEC may be at Vanderbilt and Kentucky. When the moon runs red with blood later tonight, don’t blame us–blame Michael, who brought this up during a phone conversation this weekend. In fact, per his calculations for a college fantasy league, Nickson ranked higher in his methodology than John David Booty in terms of absolute value, especially in terms of big plays. Nickson is a classic whack-a-mole qb; seemingly pounded for a loss, then popping up from certain death for a first down or worse. Dameyune Craig is not an inaccurate comparison.
Nickson should mean more, of course. He’s got significantly less talent surrounding him than Booty, who’s nose deep in blue-chip accomplices. Yet the falloff from Jay Cutler was briefer than one might have suspected at Vandy, who we’ve always respected since they seem to save their best game each year for Florida and play like possessed dervishes against the Gators. Beating Georgia was no coincidence. They’ll slip a crap burrito into someone’s diet this year again. We can only hope it’s not Florida at home.
Michael’s also got his Charles Rogers Theorem ‘07 ready to go after it suffered a fair reaming last year. His overrated pick for ‘06? Florida.
5. Notre Dame sings! Hat tip to Kevin from Fanblogs for the video of Notre Dame freshmen forced to sing the alma mater at practice. Compared to drinking a “crack shot” for freshman lacrosse players or whatever godforsaken homoerotic torture rugby players put noobs through, freshman initiation for football players seems downright genteel in comparison.
6.Watching:Big Love on DVD, notable for a few reasons.
One, Chloe Sevigny has not performed oral sex on anyone on camera yet. It’s just a matter of time.
Bill Paxton: American Hero.
Two, we will watch anything with Bill Paxton in it, since he won our hearts as Hudson in Aliens and has been on a rip through the dark, brilliant heart of American cinema ever since. Regardez:Navy Seals,Mighty Joe Young,True Lies,Weird Science, Commando, Tombstone, Spy Kids 2, Twister, Near Dark… everything the man touches turns to velvet-covered platinum awesome ballsness. This can’t be different. It’s a law of the universe. There should be statues of this man in public places gesturing boldly to the future with an outstretched hand like Jebediah Springfield.
Three, we want to put jorts on Jeanne Tripplehorn and rip them off her manually. We cannot explain this–she’s older, has no bunda to speak of, and spends a good bit of the series looking pensively out the window while scrubbing something. Whatever. Polygamy seems insane when you’ve got Barb ready to meet you at the Fields of Distinction for some lunchtime furniture stress testing.
8. Your HE’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLAYER THAN THE ONE YOU SAW EIGHT MONTHS AGO story of the day: Anthony Morelli. The market scoffs at your feeble concern for Morelli’s foibles last season: Notre Dame/Penn State’s average ticket price on the “it’s new to you!” market of scalperdom still hovers somewhere around the $1000 mark per ticket.
9. Currently reading: This morning? Michael Statsny’s take on Black Swan. Because we love to read things we don’t really understand in the least, especially when it relates to something we don’t really have: money.
10.We watched Tim Brando, Spencer Tillman, and Terry Bowden do some one-off preview show on CSS this weekend, and noticed that Terry Bowden remains nearly perfectly spherical. Matt Hayes from The Sporting News was on there, and displayed his usual shocking lack of convention by picking USC and LSU 1-2 in the nation. He also chose UCLA as his dark horse, meaning UCLA fans should begin drinking heavily five minutes ago.
We bring you two great tastes that taste together: hope and mustaches. Not that Pitt fans display a lot of hope these days: they’re having such difficulty selling season tickets that if you purchase one full slate of seven games for $120, you can get a second set for just ten dollars. IT’S JUST THAT EASY!!! One operator named Dave Wannstedt standing by, drumming his fingers and looking for a new recruit to replace Pat Bostic and keep himself from telling trippy ghost stories about Ricky Williams to blue-chip qbs.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Image from Souf Oaklin’, who 
WOOF! MEOW! I CANNOT TELL A LIE!
Feel it!
Bill Paxton: American Hero.
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