[click to embiggen]

That would be Armanti Edwards of Appalachian State, he who gave Michigan such fits in the portentous 2007 season opener, and who despite GETTING HIS FOOT CAUGHT IN A LAWN MOWER is expected to make a full and speedy recovery in time for kickoff.  Details at this point are sketchy, other than there being a LAWN MOWER involved, but we hope you’ll find our artist’s rendering as entirely plausible as we do:

Quoth ‘Freek: “Revenge is a dish best served cold, and usually from  lawnmowers and woodchippers.”  Carr’s got nothing but time, man. Nothing. But. Time. [SFX: meeeeowwwSNAP!]

Play me off for 6-8 weeks, Keyboard Cat.

No permanent or lasting damage, as the piece of angry, disunited bones in my back aren’t load bearing. They do hurt like I swallowed a plugged-in soldering gun, which is why I’m waking up in a few hours to dust off some more delicious, nutritious Percocet.

Thanks to all the well-wishers on Twitter and Facebook. (Our phone doesn’t work, as the iPhone battery died last night, too.) It’s pill and sleep time, and we’ll see what “we” feel like tomorrow.

(The only catch: Now it’s stuck. Quickly! To the Daft Punk atrium!)

L’affaire Kiffykins, part eleventeen in an infinite series. Tennessee racks up its third straight itty-bitty-ole recruiting violation under the Lanelet’s reign.  A week ago, we may have sighed, rolled our eyes, and resumed knitting that orange-and-white checkerboard cozy for our iced tea maker, but emboldened by our new marching orders, we say ONE VIOLATION FOR EVERY FIRST QUARTER TOUCHDOWN WE SCORE ON ALABAMA SON HOME SWEET HOME TO MAAAAAAAAAY [runs around in circles, passes out]

Wanted: “It” new video game to fill void left by decreasing utility of Rock Band jokes. Georgia LB Marcus Washington simultaneously sprains both wrists while lifting. Takeaway quote: “When asked if that was a common injury, he couldn’t help but laugh.  “Nope,” he said.”

Just typing here to have some bold text in front of it because nothing could improve upon this quote OK go: “Surprisingly, another thing that helped in Wood’s development was head coach Bobby Petrino’s resignation after his sophomore season.”

And Bill Callahan is sorry he hit you, baby, but if you could just hear him out (and quit burning dinner)… Cupid is a Husker Fan!

Festival of love, my ass—nothing chills to the core faster than the thought of Little Red armed and given the power of flight. ]]> http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/02/16/curious-index-2162009/feed/ 28 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/01/05/elec-tri-ci-ty-all-hail-mighty-catlab/ http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/01/05/elec-tri-ci-ty-all-hail-mighty-catlab/#comments Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:22:25 +0000 Orson Swindle http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=8407 Oh, there’s so much to cover: a Fiesta Bowl liveblog tonight, Oklahoma players “grabbing the chainsaw” by saying Tim Tebow would be the fourth best qb in the Big 12, Boston College displaying excellence in human resources by threatening to fire Jeff Jagodzinski…so much madness to cover, but first one must be in the right frame of mind. And the right frame of mind to consider the final four days of the college football season requires this:

ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.

Rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. By all means, enjoy yourselves.

Player, injury: Jake Locker, Washington. Broken right thumb. In case 0-4 by wide margins doesn’t convince you that Washington is in an “abandon all hope” stage of existence, perhaps this will: Jake Locker, in addition to being out 6-8 weeks, might not even come back at the same position:

“It is possible,” Willingham said. “I can’t tell you where right now. But he is a tremendous athlete, and the ability to play five, six, seven positions exists.”

Net loss: Realistically, nothing. This flaming corpsepile of a season just gets one more body thrown on it for Washington. It’s a particularly tough nail in the coffin of the Willingham era.

Tray Blackmon, Auburn. Broken Wrist. Tommy Tuberville says Blackmon will likely play with a cast on his hand.

Net loss: None whatsover, since any reduction in grip and tackling will be made up for now that someone who borrows the nickname “Little Ball of Hate” will now have a club on the end of his arm. That’s a push at worst for someone who once knocked the sex midget out of Kenny Irons.

Jahvid Best, Cal. Dislocated left elbow. Elbows aren’t one of the joints you think about coming out of joint, but in football kinetic force loosens even the most stubborn of limb-junctures. Best will miss the game this week against Arizona State due to the injury suffered against Colorado State.

Net loss: Substantial for one game, but not disastrous, as Best in on pace to return against Arizona. You’ll have to find your green-vomiting football player fetishes elsewhere until then.

Tyler Lorenzen, Connecticut. Broken right foot. Connecticut’s starter yielded the spot to Zach Fraser after injuring the foot against Louisville this past Friday night. He’ll be out for six to eight weeks depending on how long it takes for his traitorous foot to heal.

Net loss: None for Donald Brown, at least: the nation’s leading rusher–and no, you did not know that–will eat up even more digits in play selection now that the starting qb is out.

Knowshon Moreno, Dannell Ellerbe, Tripp Chandler, Georgia. Bruised elbow, sprained knee, shoulder. Ellerbe and Moreno are “questionable” (will be out there) while Chandler is “doubtful” (doubtful.)

Net loss: Their opponent, the bye, will challenge them–especially with Athens’ forever tempting traffic violations scene, where daredevil kids attempt to outdo each other in racking up meaningless tickets with multiple infractions. STOP THE MADNESS.

Florida: Jim Tartt, Emmanuel Moody, Ryan Stamper, Marcus Gilbert. Ankle X 4.
All ankles, all from the Ole Miss game.

Net loss: Bad, but it will be against Arkansas, so only slightly bad. Unless Arkansas, you know, throws a streak route against the Florida defense and then completely blows the mind of Major Wright.

Notre Dame: QB Jimmy Clausen, split ends. Game-time decision.

Ohio State: Beanie Wells, Foot. He will play, but will wear a protective chinstrap beard as a precaution.

Better safe than sorry: strap it on, Beanie.

South Florida: Jim Leavitt, fractured vocal cords. Day-to-day.

Oklahoma: No injuries. Assholes.

Maryland: QB Chris Turner, severe stroke. Expected to play with no visible effects against Cal.

Missouri: QB Chase Daniel, gout, lumbago, and arthritis. Expected to play.

Syracuse: Syracuse. Out four months at least.

Tennessee: RB Arian Foster: Seventh Day Adventist, out indefinitely. Jonathan Crompton: evolution. Expected to play.

West Virginia: 3rd degree burns to dignity. Expected to play.

Virginia Tech: FB Devin Perez, food poisoning. No, really: food poisoning. It takes serious, doo-doo meat gut-rot to keep you out this long, like the kind you get by mistakenly ordering Wendy’s new U-238 Burger: guaranteed to give you Das Boot.