Drop the pepper spray, pigs. He’s ready for this.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Notre Dame blogger Subway Domer. Like Run Up The Score, he doesn’t choose Changes In Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes for the answer to the dreaded Jimmy Buffett Challenge, and for this we salute him already. Enjoy.

One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Green? Notre Dame and the color green have had a long history together. That history has been both kind, and cursed. For years, the lore of green jersey games and of championships won by the players that wore them has been passed on from generation to generation.

However, there are several types of green that Notre Dame has seen over the past 30+ years. The menacing, yet ugly Kelly Green from the 1977 team that the 2007 team “honored” by having their asses handed to them by USC 38-0.

How about the Super Willingham Green that the Irish wore versus Boston College in 2002? (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Penn State blogger and zombie aficionado Run Up The Score. He doesn’t choose Changes In Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes for the answer to the dreaded Jimmy Buffett Challenge, and for this we salute him already. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Hunting jacket orange, the unofficial color of Pennsyltucky and Penn State fans who either forget or refuse to wear blue and white. Orange like the sunset of Joe Paterno’s coaching career at Penn State, which by practically all accounts seems destined to end after the 2008 season. Orange like the brilliant dawn of both the post-AnthonyMorelli era at quarterback and offensive [sic] coordinator [sic] Jay Paterno’s “Spread HD” offense. “HD”, presumably, an abbreviation for “Hilariously Disasterous.”

The last time Joe Pa had horses on offense: either 1994, or in his immortal quadri-car race with Bobby Bowden.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Canada, whenever. Always present but only occasionally entertaining. Happily and drunkenly punching around the periphery of relevance, desperately in need of a rival to provide moments of passion.(We respectfully disagree, sirs. Yours, the Canadian Foreign Ministry-ed.) (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the gang from Red Solo Cup. Please enjoy their repartee, moderately-priced-alcohol-fueled strings of profanity, and the only football highlight reel we’ve ever seen cross YouTube without a Slipknot soundtrack. For this, Red Solo Cup, we give thanks.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Safety orange. You know, the type that you find on reflectors, cones, and temporary road signs when construction is going on. Obviously there are some potholes being filled at and maybe some lanes being added to Vaught-Hemingway, but this is no new thoroughfare. No, the unfortunate and inconvenient news is that we’ll be needing to use this program while construction is going on. So, caution, because things might be running a little slow for a while.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Palestine (circa now). We may make a lot of noise, but, honestly, we’re not even on the map. We are undeterred (and for some of us, completely unaware) of this fact, and we don’t care how many guns, tanks, nuclear bombs, or fifth-string running backs you have Israel/LSU, we’re still gonna get up in your God/Allah/Yahweh-damned face.

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Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the boys from Rock M Nation, SBN’s fine Missouri blog. They slang it like Chase Daniels delivering pizzas or footballs, since we all know he is really a 35 year old pizza deliveryman moonlighting as a brilliant spread qb.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Well, if you happen to take a gander at this scoreboard, it might be easy to assume that Mizzou’s 2008 season could be construed as a certain shade of orange. But after what many perceived to be a golden season last year, that hue has started to fade as the fan base turns their attention to business in 2008. This year, it’s all about black and white. 12 wins were a thing of beauty for a fan base in desperate need of some success and some national spotlight, but this year, expectations are set. Win the Big 12 and be a player on the national stage - no shades of grey. And, if you want to take it out of context and use another form of black and white, who am I to judge?

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Missouri: smoking, full of potential.

This was a tough one, but I’ll stick by present day Emerging China. Both China and the Missouri football team are having to get a feel for new found power and respect, and a lot of eyes are focused their way waiting to see how they conduct their business. In addition, no one is quite sure what to expect from them in the future.

Case in point:

“Anyone who gives a straight-line prediction about where China will be in 20 years is making it up.” — Heritage.org

Anyone who can give you a prediction on where the Mizzou football program will be in 20 years is hitting a Missouri pride point a little too hard. Plus, if Missouri is going to emerge, it wants to do it with the borders sealed, monopolizing on its own people (especially since Missouri lacks a major D1 school in-state with which to compete).

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Everyone should know the names Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, and William Moore. All three are popping up on All-American lists across publications and Web sites everywhere. All three are important, and losing any of the three could be a devastating blow. (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Seth, the author of the fine Huskies-compatible blog Enjoy the Enjoyment and Executive Editor of the wonderful new publication Sports Northwest Magazine. A Napoleon Kaufman-esque performance follows. (Hey! He has mixed feelings on Rick Neuheisel! Imagine!)

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Fire Engine Red. Anyone who’s bothered to compile a pre-season “Coaches on the Hot Seat” list has Ty Willingham at the top of it. Mix that into a dish that includes Phil Steele ranking the Huskies’ schedule as the toughest in the nation (for the second consecutive year–thanks athletic department!) and pre-season injuries to key players, and you’ll understand why Willingham often has a sour look on his face–he tastes a set up. Many Husky fans would welcome Willingham’s firing, but some (i.e., me) see it as another step back for a program that’s rapidly devolving toward irrelevance.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Imperial Rome, Crisis of the Third Century.

After the relative peace and prosperity of the Owens/James/Lambright era (1957-1998), Willingham leads a shaky regime, populated by citizens who remember better times and haven’t come to terms with the outside forces (parity, the rise of the Oregon schools) that have beset their beloved empire. As a result, the Huskies have had four head men in just ten years, and another coup is imminent.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

HUGS FOR JAKEY! HIM LOVE THE HUGS!

QB Jake Locker: The Tim Tebow of the West. Locker shares Tebow’s speed, strength, and earnest whiteness. One major difference–Locker’s spending his summer playing amateur baseball, not circumcising Filipino boys. Locker set the official Pac-10 record for rushing yards by a QB last year, but also the unofficial record for most receivers left standing confused as a pass sailed 20 feet over their heads. The man’s acceleration and slipperyness in the open field are a joy to watch, but his accuracy must improve.

C Juan Garcia: He’s the guy fans look at and ask “is he STILL on the team?” (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Ryan and Mark, who author the proudly agricultural and technical Auburn blog The Auburner True to form, we think they beat any preview we would write about Auburn by a field goal.

Lil Wayne’s wrong, man: YOU’RE THE BEAST, TUBS! From the Tuberville classics thread.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We have two colors. Green and black. Our offense is green, because they are completely unproven: new offensive coordinator, new quarterback(s), and a completely new offensive scheme. Our defense is black because they are the mark of death for all who oppose and this will remain so no matter how many defensive coordinators we give to Texas.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

USA, present day. (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the Gutty Little Bruins, who helm the appropriately titled UCLA blog Gutty Little Bruins. They provide us with your thumbnail sketch of UCLA football and, in addition, also nail the finest answer to our irony-puncturing Jimmy Buffett challenge yet.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The UCLA season, and the program, is white. [*cough* --ed.] It’s a blank slate, with a new head coach, new players, and a new-HOLY-SHIT-NORM-CHOW-IS-OUR-OFFENSIVE-COORDINATOR-THANK-YOU-JESUS

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Germany, in the late 1800’s after Bismarck united the country. During the entirety of the Karl Dorrell era, UCLA fans fought amongst/embarrassed themselves by either defending or attacking Dorrell. Um…I’m not going to name names, but I’m of the opinion that some people took it a little too far. It’s college football. It’s not a goddam nuclear war.

Anyways, UCLA fans are all in the same boat for the first time since…ever. (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Our Visiting Lecturer Series today presents John Radcliff of Mountainlair.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Blue might work, but Old Gold is definitely out. My memory of West Virginia football dates back to attending games at Old Mountaineer Field, and I can say that this has been the absolute worst off season ever. Dark Slate Grey seems about right. It’s not quite as dark as coal, but close. Between the back stabbing comments from WVU and Rich Rodriguez going at it in the media, and the mad dash the Mountaineers are making at the Fulmer Cup, it’s hard to think about what an exciting football team this is. There are a lot of Victorian homes around here with the original slate roofs.You can look at them and tell they were something in their day, like the Mountaineers on game day. But right now they are an eye sore that needs to be fixed before irreparable damage is done.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Germany during World War II. It’s all about speed and firepower. West Virginia’s offense looks to create a weakness in the defense through formation and exploit it with speed and precision. Like Germany, West Virginia is known for having lethal offensive weapons that strike fear in their enemies. But their ability to stop opponents and hold their ground can be called into question. The run defense is always stout, but there are days that it seems we can’t cover our own shadows. And in a conference with so many capable quarterbacks, that could be a problem.

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Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Our Visiting Lecturer Series today presents burly seaman Chuck of Miami Hawk Talk, talkin’ Hawks.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

I suppose red would be the obvious choice here, but it’s too obvious. Another contender would be pink, reflecting our embarrassment over the Zach Marshall incident.

The color that best describes Miami football right now, though, is probably verdigris. Paint tinted with verdigris retains its color for centuries, but verdigris is also used as a fungicide. So what does that have to do with football? Well, after a couple seasons far below expectations, the conventional wisdom is that Coach Shane Montgomery is in his make-or-break year. Either he recaptures the glory of seasons past, or he gets the boot. So verdigris it is.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Belgium, today.

At Miami, we’re big on history. Most wins of any mid-major program, with even more than johnny-come-latelies like Florida or the University of Coral Gables. And, of course, there’s the Cradle of Coaches: Weeb Ewbank, Sid Gillman, Bo Schembechler, Woody Hayes, Ara Parseghian, Red Blaik, Paul Dietzel, [NAME REDACTED], Jim Tressel, Sean Payton, Randy Walker, and Terry Hoeppner, among others, spent time in the Miami football program as players or coaches.

Belgium? At their peak, the Phlegms controlled something like a full eighth of Africa. But since then, what have the Belgians done? Finished second to West Germany at Euro 1980. As much as I hate to admit it, Miami is like that too. The RedHawks have exactly one MAC title in the past 21 years. 2003 was a magical season, to be sure, but it was just one season. And in the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world of college football, 2003 is about as relevant as the Congo Free State. (Of course, Miami might make a splash in some unorthodox manner. Perhaps Butler County Area I Court will declare universal jurisdiction over crimes against sport and go after Jim Delaney.)

Miami: Nuremberg of the West?

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Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes the right honorable Joel of Rocky Top Talk to set us straight, or at least firmly crooked, on the prospects of the Tennessee Volunteers.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Opaque. Not exactly a color, I know, but the concept is similar. With the arrival of new offensive coordinator Dave Clawson, the offense is shrouded in mystery, and any attempt to penetrate it with light is thwarted by scattering or absorption. Nobody can see beyond the curtain.

Clawson was formerly the head coach for the Division I-AA Richmond Spiders, so good luck finding any tape on him. Just who is this guy? Nobody knows. How will quarterback Jonathan Crompton fit into the new system? Secret! What kind of offense does he run? A few daring souls have ventured a guess that it’s a west coast-ish spread-y-type thing that morphs into . . . something else depending on the personnel, but again, nobody really knows. Yeehaw for intrigue and woo-ish-y offense.

Practices are closed to the media, too, so the new offense won’t be unveiled until the big national showdown with UCLA on Labor Day.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

1930s USA, F.D.R.’s New Deal. The Papa has been either the offensive coordinator or the head coach for the Vols for nearly two decades. When Fulmer took over as head coach for good in 1993, he hired David Cutcliffe as his offensive coordinator. Cutcliffe held that role until 1999 and then took it up again from 2006 until this past off-season when he left for Duke. Randy Sanders served as OC in the interim, but most believe that he was essentially handcuffed to Fulmer’s offensive philosophy and scheme. So we’ve really had almost no change for almost twenty years. At first, Roaring ’20s, but then gradual decline, a Black Tuesday (2005), and a lingering depression, all of which sets the stage for this year’s New Deal.

This season, Fulmer hires mystery man Clawson, and this time, he’s reportedly going to give his young assistant free reign to reform the system and bring relief to needy Tennessee fans. Hey, we could use a new deal, and if we have to bankrupt the future to do it, well, we’ll just have to worry about that later.

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