One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of colour.

LSU is crystal clear, as in our two BCS trophies and how it’s obvious by now that Les Miles knows more than you about coaching football. Make excuses or downplay all you want. Simple fact of the matter is that LSU among the tippy top of cfb elite and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, thanks largely to Miles’ ability to out recruit and out coach the rocket scientist you pay a South America defense budget for.

I challenge any man in this room to meet me in Kitchen Stadium. On the menu: your ass.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Cimmeria. Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aireus. It’s a great time to be a barbarian citizen of this Hyborean Age empire right now as the Tigers are enjoying their greatest stretch of success to date. A year like this used to be spent on the sidelines as we waited for new guys to mature for the next run. Now, extreme levels of talent and some of the best conditioning and coaching around have LSU always competitive, if not dominant. Upstart neighbors are brutally subjugated (Miss. St., Bama, Ole Miss) and we get the best of the serious competition, sometimes decidedly so.

Yeah, occasionally some wandering barbarian rhino out there might take time out of circumcisions to try and take a cut at us or some village idiot from the plains might to give us trouble, especially around the knees. But we know we have it good and we are enjoying it. It may crumble at some point, but we’ll be dead drunk or dead from being drunk or just drunk or dead from high cholesterol. Whatever the case, we’ll win plenty, drink a lot, eat a great deal and try to have fun, and almost definitely to our detriment:

A further close-up of what to our detriment usually means:

That dude turned up on a LSU message board. He got A LOT of stitches. Imagine that.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Charles Alexander is returns from injury at DT. He will be an unholy terror. No one will notice him because of Ricky Jean Francois (say it with me, /zshaun’ frahn swoi/) in his Oscar winning performance as Galactus, eater of worlds running backs, extra points and quarterbacks. I would like to use Orson’s moniker for him, the Haitian Sensation, but his LSU profile says his nickname is the Freak. I ain’t gonna argue. Also, do not be surprised by our new freshman corner, Patrick Peterson. You’re gonna know running backs Charles Murphy and Richard Scott. They’re pretty good, but they’ll look great behind a talented veteran offensive line that should clear the way.

With the departure of Perrilloux to fight terruh, we will feature a white, sorta slowish, inexperienced and hopefully as error free as possible qb.

And when I say inexperienced, think of yourself trying to undo that bra for the first time. It looks simple, you’ve seen it done, you know you can man up on it, but until you accomplish it, it can be startlingly elusive. This could be unsettling, until true freshman Jordan Jefferson takes over. He was a steal in recruiting (injured senior year, most schools laid off of him) and as long as he stays healthy, he could shine.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

The rematch with Florida in Atlanta for the SEC crown. And Auburn, that game almost always decides the SEC West and slakes your thirst for a bit of the ole ultraviolence. Have some milk with that.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Every game, but just the parts where your team interacts with our defensive line. We took Dr. Mindbender’s Serpentor approach and grabbed Glenn Dorsey’s DNA, combined that with a trapdoor spider’s, some of Mike the Tiger’s and whatever genetic material is extractable from Wild Turkey 101 in a medieval candlelit lab (candle tallow rendered from the flesh of hapless Mississippi State quarterbacks) and combined with the rage virus from 28 Days Later.

We put all that in a centrifuge or maybe we just wrapped it in bacon, then deep fried it, whatever. Then we cloned it and the result? The dline 2 deep: Charles Alexander, Marlon Favorite, Al Woods, Ricky Jean-Francois, Tyson Jackson, Drake Nevis, Rahim Alem, Kirston Pittman. You’d be happy to have any one of those guys start for your school. And they would. It’s not up for debate.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

The buckle itself, aka a quarterback with more than a quarter of experience and two pass attempts. But not so much really. LSU has won two SEC and MNC titles with quarterbacks who took care of the ball and not much else. So maybe we’ll just wander around without a buckle to that belt, like your fat uncle who’s always just sitting around with his pants unbuckled with the top button undone. Give him a break, he’s full and he is dominating that couch like you wish you could.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Werewolves of London

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fook’s
Going to get a big dish of beef chow mein
Werewolves of London

Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen
Doing the werewolves of London
I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the Queen
Doing the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
His hair was perfect
Werewolves of London again
Draw blood

Yeah, that’s Warren Zevon, but Buffet covered it and that makes it a Jimmy Buffet song, albeit on technicality. Ha HA! I defeated this diabolical trap! Anyway, it is quite apt for the LSU Fightin’ Tigers, for they will rip your lung out, maul old ladies and drink pina coladas.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

The handicappers will give the kneecappers the edge, but LSU will triumph in Auburn. The Tigers will then go 5-3 to win the West and battle for the SEC crown in Atlanta. Urban Meyer will bow his head in defeat to the Hat. It’ll be a. Great. Day.

LSUJoshua, fine work. The Library of Congress recommends that if you are truly interested in learning more about LSU Football, you just go to a game at Tiger Stadium and get mindfucked by the unreality of a big night game there proper-like. Books have nothing to do with this shit. You may read more about LSU Football at LSUTigerBait.com, and should.

Alanis wasn’t bad, but who doesn’t prefer Godspell’s creepy clown Jesus, eh?

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We’re not so big on color metaphor. Our lack of bigness on color metaphor requires us to state what may be obvious to everyone: Orange.

That the most obvious color would also be the most metaphorically appropriate color is nothing short of…high irony. Even Alanis Morisette herself (need I remind you she played GOD in a movie?) would be proud that the Beavers have risen from the ashes and ascended the ranks of the Pac-10–winning the 3rd most games of any conference team in the current century. Consider the color of the rising sun that must have awoken the Rip Van Winkle of College Football a decade ago. Consider the color of cones, hard hats, and that weird, plastic fencing they use at construction sites as required to replace or remodel every athletic facility in Beaverland (well, the stadium is 2/3 replaced–I assure you it is possibly the nicest half of a stadium for 3 BCS conference geographic footprints away…did someone say there’s French laundry in the Loge Level? Ooh la la, tres orange.) and to make them as delicious of a dish as you might find in any other fine Factorie du Football. Consider the color of hope. Consider: orange you glad we didn’t say banana?

But, what about TODAY? What has orange done for them lately? Actually, the Beavers have very quietly won the 2nd most games in the Pac-10 conference over the past two seasons (while also redshirting and grayshirting the most players in the conference). However, media perception has not caught up with this bold, new reality of Beaver Excellence. 2007 saw the Beavers replacing the most starters of any Pac-10 team, losing 2 All-American players to season-ending injuries in the 1st and 4th games (No, we’re not talking about Dennis Dixon-your-mouth. He played on the other team from our state–the one that wins less.) and still winning 9 games with two different first year starters at quarterbacks (something that is pretty hard to get away with in our conference). Many members of The ANTI-Blogalism Establishment seem to be coming late to the party by labeling 2008 as the rebuilding year for the Beavs and are picking them to go 6th in the conference this season….well, we call bullfeathers.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

England’s The Glorious Revolution is abundantly analogous. 1680’s England: After a lengthy period of strife (i.e.Vanderbilt’s losing season streak is closing in on our former streak), the monarchy was re-established as William of ORANGE (Mike Riley) returned from his exile in France (Coaching Ryan Leaf in San Diego, and then defensive backs for the Saints) to rule supremely at the head of the English Empire (Beaver Nation). William of Orange (Mike Riley) immediately strengthened the kingdom by instituting a vast array of changes (getting the ball in Steven Jackson’s hands, expanding the stadium, serving duck at the training table) which led to the sun never setting on the English Empire(it stays light out in Corvallis until past 9p in the summer). He subdued the beasts of his kingdom (such as the cougars, wildcats, bruins, and bears), cast out the devils, and fought the trojans to a standstill. He outlawed cardinal as a royal color, and kept a husky as a pet–for they are never coarse. All was right–and getting better–in the kingdom led by William of ORANGE (Mike Riley).

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Out of fear, two Sunday linemen get first nod: All-American LG Jeremy Perry: 6′2″ 340, pities the fool. Witness his sheer enormity WITHOUT pads. Also, OT Andy Levitre, who we’re guessing is the only player in the country with separate, tandem 5 minute youtube highlights from LEFT tackle as well as RIGHT tackle. He also has a mohawk. Enough with the beasts of burden, onward to the mancrush-worthy…

WR- Sammie “TNT” Stroughter, the aforementioned All-American wideout is a Maxwell watch-lister. Sammie led the Pac-10 with 1290 yards receiving in 2006. He was also one of the most lethal punt returners in the nation, averaging 15.7 yards per return–thrice scoring. 2007 was lost to a lacerated kidney suffered in an unfortunate accident involving a misplaced pitchfork at the Arizona State game. He has never performed any international circumcisions to my knowledge, though he is probably most famous for inspiring his teammates by handing each of them a David-style pebble to wear under their pads (I don’t get that part, but I don’t like Notre Dame, either…which just goes to show you what I know about applying Biblical metaphor to sporting contests.) before beating USC in ‘06, a game where he also starred on the field a wee bit. Yes, Sammie had a rock under his shoulder pad, or in his undies–or somewhere–all game. Again, not sure why. However, the venerable Maualuga was defeated in battle that day, so I don’t have to get it.

(Watch Sammie on this youtube featuring the sublime, hypnotic melodies of Gwen Stefani!)

CB- Brandon Hughes is SuperDuper, yet is under-appreciated even among Beaver fans simply because casual fans don’t notice that teams don’t throw to his side any more. He is one of the best in the country…I mean, one of the best on youtube, at least.

WR- James Rodgers led the Pac-10 in yards per carry last year, as a true freshman: 50 carries, 586 yards =11.8ypc. I think that’s a lot. Here is a youtube of one play where the opposing defensive coordinator said he knew what was coming and made the best defensive call to stop it. It’s hard to argue that he didn’t save our season last year. Not bad for a “1-star” who somehow only had one scholarship offer. His younger brother, Jacquizz, is the all-time TD record holder in Texas high school history and will be a true freshman with us this year. We look forward to writing a plea to their mother in this space next year, imploring her to consider the benefits of bearing further offspring so that we might raise them in a Soviet-style encampment for the betterment of our future football success. Da Comrade!

Oh…and DE- Victor Butler: 3rd in the country in total tackles for loss yardage and had 10.5 sacks last year–as a non-starter. Maybe he’s as fast as James Rodgers for, like, 2-4 steps? He will give you all you can handle, if you can handle well-dressed men.

That’s the majority of the playmakers. Also, continuing with our French theme, Le Coup de Grace: TE- Howard CROOOOOOOOM! Deny that you are in awe of our blood relative and heir to the Croom Dynasty. You. can. not.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Sep. 6th @ Penn State qualifies as a big game, I guess. It’s nice to play them in a year where 20% of their team has been charged with a crime, but also very unfortunate that they’ve lost 2 of their up-the-middle starters on defense already. I don’t even think it’s important to beat them, so much as to not lose another early season game on national television. We do great in bowl games, but tend to poop the bed in the ’summer bowl games’–we’ve gone on the road to play a top 10-15 team out of conference almost every year for the last 5 years or so. Losing those early games is really the only complaint that Beaver fans have with Mike Riley, but the entire Beaver Nation is really hoping and expecting that this will be the year that I don’t have such a bad hangover the day after our highest profile non-conference game.

Angry Chimp hitman demands you perform, Beavers.

Sep. 25th vs. USC is pretty big–not Beavers vs. Cocks big, this is the less fertile, less innuendo-boobytrapped contest of Beavers vs. Trojans. The Men of Troy are indefatigable, 70-pointing, terminators versus the SEC, but not so invincible in their 2 conference losses in each of the past 2 seasons. If there’s such a thing as a “down” year for them, it’s when they’re replacing a starting QB with one who has a trick kneecap, like this year. OSU is the only team in the Pac-10 with a winning home record versus the Trojans this decade. The last two games in Corvallis have both been decided by *punt return scores by All-American returners; Reggie Bush in ‘04, was probably the most amazing single play in the last decade of Pac-10 games; I think Sports Illustrated even wrote an article mostly about that play. Sammie Stroughter’s punt return against USC in ‘06 created the loudest and most excited crowd I’ve ever seen at a stadium in real life. It doesn’t get a whole lot more **exciting than that, folks.

*Past performance does not dictate future results. Punt return scores not guaranteed.
**Actual excitement may vary.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Nov 29th vs. Oregon: We have a pretty good non-conference schedule–they’ve all been to a BCS bowl in the last few years. Though I’m tempted to say Arizona or Washington State, I really have to go with the oregon game, since they’re not as competitive. oregon has only finished ahead of Oregon State twice in conference play during the current century. It used to be the best rivalry game in the conference, but not anymore. Since there’s now an entire generation of children being raised in eugene who don’t know that it’s possible for the ducks to even win in Corvallis–we kind of feel sorry for their little, yellow highlighter-costumed asses. What will really tug at the ol’ heartstrings is that now oregon fans attempt to assuage their wounds by denouncing their rivalry with the Beavers as unimportant in order to square their collective sites on declaring war on the woundedest program lining the bottom of the conference trash can: the six-foot-twenty, killing-for-fun, University of Washington. I can’t really blame university of oregon duck football fans for wanting to be able to beat someone with any sort of regularity, but it’s kind of hilarious how they’ve all quit caring about trying to beat a good team.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Umm…punter, right tackle, and uh…thinking……We have no returning starters from our defensive front seven. It’s not as bad as it looks–maybe. No? Beaver fans really think we have a good defensive scheme these days, they call it a ‘gap control’ defense and say that it’s very similar in concept to Ye Olde Desert fwarme days at Arizona. I don’t know about any of that, I just know that there was only 1 of those 7 who were drafted into the league of re-animated corpses whose bodies await reunion with their immortal soul until such a time as they return to regular tax brackets–many know it as the NFL (Joey LaRocque, 7th round-Chicago). Last year’s team was #8 in the nation in total defense, creating pressure by constantly shuffling 10(!) defensive linemen in situational packages–so even the backup defensive ends had 9 and 10.5 sacks, respectively. So there’s the departed starters, sure, but the optimist says that there are more than 11 players who ARE back and played–regularly, in real, non-garbage time–on what ended up as the #1 rushing defense in NCAA football. Also, we’re losing these 7 seniors and replacing them with 4 seniors, 2 juniors, and a sophomore with secondary-type speed playing linebacker, so it’s really not as bad as people like to make it sound. I went to practice on Saturday though, and we really do need an offensive right tackle. A lot.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

I can’t answer this question due to a conflict of interest: not only do I not have any interest in Jimmy Buffett, but he was also our special teams coordinator in 1986-7, and I can’t step on a man who has contributed so much. The main reason, however, is that I just don’t want to divulge this information in case someone takes my idea to play “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (and screw)?” from large, outboard-mounted speakers on my Mercury Sable (u KNOW! Cloth seats, tape deck, plastic hubcaps! We rollz like dis e’ery day! ) while cruising at 3 miles per hour through densely forested wetland areas just to see if it works. Heyyy, comeon, mang–how was I ever supposed to escape this sans requisite poorly executed, over-the-top beaver joke?

Seriously though, who the hell is Jimmy Buffett?

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

This is one of the truly noteworthy instances where Wesley Snipes said it best: “Always bet on black (….to cover the spread at home).” Reser Stadium will Croom you in your dreams.

-CV3000

Fine work, sir, even if you lose points for dodging the gauntlet of the Jimmy Buffett question. If you’re interested in reading more about Oregon State football, please see Building the Dam for all your needs.

Tailgunner Spongebob says UNC is lookin’ up.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

1. SpongeBob Yellow. This is to say that we are highly optimistic (and ready…and ready…) about our situation and potential despite the fact that, given the complete picture, things aren’t as hot as we believe. Nevertheless, SpongeBob is a very happy invertebrate. It’s all about perspective. And if all goes awry, we’ll just deploy the Conch Signal to Roy Williams come November. Tyler Hansbrough kinda looks like a fish anyway.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

2. Russia, 1996. Currently a chaotic irrelevance. Our victories and losses in battle have led to the fall and rise of programs (e.g. Florida State, Miami wins; Rutgers, USF losses). Once a rising power on the verge of being at the top, our efforts were thwarted by the capitalist pigs in Tallahassee. In 1996 and 1997, UNC went 21-3; two of those losses were to the Seminoles. I can never forgive FSU for November 8th, 1997. We were #5 in the nation, poised to make a run for the national championship. We had just beaten Clemson in Death Valley for the first time since the Lawrence Taylor era. We had the #2 team in the land on our own turf and on one else in our way. To this day it is the Kenan Stadium attendance record and the only time Lee Corso has ever set foot in the People’s Republic of Chapel Hill. We watched, poised to finally stamp our place in the national college football landscape. Then…disaster struck. We were crushed by a score of 20-3. Looking back, it’s ridiculous to be in the Orange Bowl if you have the two-QB system of Chris Keldorf and Oscar Davenport…but the #1 defense in the nation got lit up by Thad Busby! THAD —-ING BUSBY I TELL YOU!

Now is excuse to post Yeltsin drunk.

Much like the Kremlin, we’re having a bit of trouble letting go of the recent past…but I digress. Point is, we never were the same after that. Both the fearless leaders of the program and athletic department left, the broken republic was left in the hands of an incompetent buffoon (TORRRRRRRRRBUUUUUUUUSSSSSSHHH!!!) and what remained was an entity desperately clinging to relevance…give us a bowl game, any bowl game. By now the full fallout has become clear. But now some enterprising oligarchs are looking to make their money, and in doing so may one day bring us to prominence again. After a narrow overtime win against Duke, at HOME, there’s nowhere to go but up. And this time, capitalist pigs, we intend to beat you at your own game. ???? ????? ??????! (The Heels of the Tar Go!)

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Hakeem Nicks, WR-He is the closest that UNC has come to a 1,000 yard receiving season. That’s right, UNC has as many 1,000 yard receivers in their history as Joe Paterno has neurons that belong to his original body. (Because he’s a zombie! Get it?…/crickets) Nicks, with his spectacular agility, awareness, and Velcro hands will anchor a receiving corps that will make the job of T.J. Yates—or whomever plays QB this season—a bit easier.

Quantavius Sturdivant, LB-A highly touted freshman, Quantavius started the last five games for the Heels, and this year he is expected to fill the void at linebacker left by talented senior Durell Mapp. Linebacker is where UNC has the least amount of depth, so Quantavius may see every down this season and rack up more than 150 tackles. And if nothing else, he has the best full name of any player in the ACC. Calling him Quan is soooooooooo inside the box.

Deunta Williams, FS- 2nd team all-conference and ACC Defensive Freshman of the Year, Williams had 57 tackles and led the Heels in interceptions with three. That may not seem like much, but since the Julius Peppers era most of our defensive backs have had raw chickens for hands. He’s one of the best DBs UNC has had in a while.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Sept. 20th vs. Va. Tech-We were on the road against the ACC champions last year, playing badly, making all kinds of mistakes…and still came thisclose to beating the Hokies. Tech needs to be on upset alert for this one. It’s one of our three toughest games in 2008…and in the wide open (read: terrible) ACC landscape, it’s pretty winnable.

Nov. 22nd vs. NC State- HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE. Well, it’s not that we hate the Wolfpack per se-in fact, we’re technically part of the same University system. So really, they’re a brother to us. An odd, unkempt, ugly, “special” brother whom we would like to pummel given any opportune moment…but a brother nonetheless.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Nov. 29th vs. Duke. Don’t watch this game. It’s the law in Jefferson County, Kentucky.
Amongst the Mt. Rushmore of Duke jokes, the legal precedent of “Duke Sucks” has to be right up there with J.J. Redick’s poetry [http://tarheelmania.wordpress.com/], Kyle Singler’s addiction to puppy tartare, and Carl Franks.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Two things. First is anything resembling a running game. Despite having 27 1,000 yard rushing seasons in school history, we haven’t had such a running back since 1997. Greg Little and Jamal Womble may help fix that, but still…when you’re waxing nostalgic about John Linton, you’ve got issues.

Our second biggest weakness is at linebacker. Not so much for lack of production as lack of depth. Quantavius, Chase Rice, and Mark Paschal are all serviceable LB’s, but UNC has almost no experienced help behind them.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious, do it.

I’m not a Buffett aficionado, so I can only go by song titles. After much deliberation (10 minutes on Wikipedia), I’ll go with “Please Don’t Bring Me Candy.” Mostly because keeping Marvin Austin away from carbs is a pretty good idea.

If this were UVa, however, only one song is an acceptable answer: “Pencil Thin Moustache”.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

7. The Tar Heels will stay close in just about every game, within single digits either direction. However, they will manage to botch 2-3 of those games due to a singular act of stupidity, digging themselves in a deep hole to begin the game.

TJ YATES WILL NOT THROW A PICK ON THE OPENING DRIVE. TJ YATES WILL NOT THROW A PICK ON THE OPENING DRIVE. TJ YATES WILL NOT THROW A PICK ON THE OPENING DRIVE…

For further reading on the North Carolina Tar Heels, please check out Tarheel Mania. Marvin Austin does not at all kind of look like Tracy Chapman. Nope.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

In studies, workers in offices painted blue complained the room was too cold; when the same room was painted a warm peach, even though the temperature was the same, they tended to start removing jackets and sweaters.

Did someone say…blue?

Apologies–we couldn’t help ourselves. Good luck getting that out of your head. We recommend a claw hammer for the job.

For some USM partisans, blue — that is, the conservative, consistent, running-and-defense pastiche of the Jeff Bower era — was just fine. It was familiar, anyway, and could have been an awful lot worse. But for most, it was starting to get a little chilly in here, and theyÕre enthusiastically welcoming a coat of something that at least seems a little warmer. The temperature, or the talent, might not really be any different, but after eight years of diminishing returns in a conference the Eagles dominated in the first four-and-a-half years of its existence (USM won or shared three C-USA championships from 1996-99, but has only one since 2000), the new, more offensive-oriented Larry Fedora administration promises a sense of flamboyance and energy. It may be superficial, but Southern Miss might also be the most talented team in the league, and the coaching change was essentially a
bet that the new perspective in itself could bring a cozy but stagnant program out of its shell.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

World War I Holland/Netherlands. Small, respectable, but lacking the resources to avoid being caught up in the conflicts of stronger regional powers, or, in most cases, to keep them from trampling all over us. On a more modern note, like the Dutch following the tragic, high-profile murder of Theo Van Gogh by a Muslim extremist in 2004, the Bower Affair caused an identity crisis that threatened to cleave the people into hostile camps with wildly diverging values and interests.

Hattiesburg’s central location (90 minutes from New Orleans, Jackson, Mobile, Baton Rouge and Biloxi/Gulfport) also makes it a significant marijuana hub. I mean, that’s what I always heard.

No personal knowledge informs this opinion. None at all.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

RB Damion Fletcher: The offense’s first legitimate star in years, and the favorite to become the first Eagle to win C-USA’s offensive player of the year. Kinda small, kinda slow, and had some nagging injury problems as a freshman, but Fletch is versatile, a much stronger and tougher runner than his size suggests, and he’s decisive and correct on his cuts. Seventeen 100-yard games in two years can’t be wrong.

TE Shawn Nelson: Has caught somewhere in the 30-35-reception range for 500-ish yards three years in a row, which led the team in 2005 and 2006 and was second last year in an offense that historically ignored the tight end in the passing game. The hope is Fedora’s system will put his ability to better use — by all accounts, Nelson is a future NFL talent, but he’s always seemed to lurk just below the surface of his potential, coming up for a game or two and then submerging.

OL Calvin Wilson: Miss. State transfer is 6-6, 350 pounds. Likely an all-conference pick, maybe a draft pick, just for being a breathtakingly huge individual.

WR DeAndre Brown: A top five receiver prospect nationally, the first five-star recuit in Southern Miss or C-USA history. Against the predictions of jilted LSU fans, he finally qualified in full earlier this month, and unrealistic expectations are (of course) the order of the day — I watched him often in high school, on a team without even a prayer at quarterback, and his size, strength and body control easily justify the hype. The No. 2 guy for now, since everyone’s also high on sophomore Torris Magee, but USM hasn’t landed any player of Brown’s caliber in the past and almost definitely won’t be reeling in many more in the near future, so the pressure is on to make the most of this chance.

LB Gerald McRath: A fifth-year junior (redshirted because of injury in ‘04, suffered another early injury and earned a medical hardship in ‘05), and the fourth different USM linebacker to win C-USA defensive player of the year in five seasons (Rod Davis, Michael Boley, Kevis Coley). Depending on who you ask, he’d be one of the top three or four outside linebackers in next year’s draft — given his age and prospects, this is probably his last go-round.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

vs. Boise State (Oct. 11): I thought this would be a great game for both teams last year, but Southern was thoroughly humilated from the first snap of a nationally-televised, Thursday night debacle on the Blue Turf, one of two midweek losses (the other being the inexcusable home collapse against Rice the following week) that probably did more to bring the axe down on Jeff Bower than anything else. It’s not reasonable to expect much from the early trip to Auburn, but there shouldn’t be any significant talent gap here, so Fedora needs a much more competitive effort to solidify the sense of progress, optimism, etc.

vs. East Carolina (Nov. 15): East Carolina’s ascendency from doormat to division favorite under Skip Holtz began with an overtime upset in Hattiesburg in 2006, a loss that really made me sick and must be avenged. This is the most wide open division race in the short history of the format — USM, ECU, Memphis and defending champ Central Florida all have legitimate designs — and if the Eagles can get by UCF on Nov. 8, there’s a good chance this game could decide one of the berths in the C-USA Championship. USM won at ECU last year (the Eagles’ only win over another winning team), but the fact that the long-suffering Pirates managed to take down Boise in the bowl game, after the Broncos blew Southern Miss off the field a couple months earlier, only confirmed the urgency of a new direction. I’d say Fedora’s debut is a success if this game has meaningful implications.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

vs. UAB (Nov. 1): After the hell of losing to Rice, I certainly don’t want to tempt fate by taking the Blazers for granted — lord knows they’ve provided plenty of uncomfortably close games in the series — but Southern Miss is 8-0 against Birmingham since UAB moved up to C-USA in 2001. UAB went 1-7 in-conference last year and lost to Southern by 30 at home, and nobody yet seems to have discovered any reason the Blazers should be very improved.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

A quarterback with a career pass attempt. That’s not specifically true, since Martevious Young went 1-for-1 for two yards last year while instantly injuring himself in his only start, but it might as well be. Young actually seemed to lose ground in the spring, to both Austin Davis, a former walk-on who redshirted last year, and Bret Jefcoat, an incoming freshman who spurned, uh, Louisiana Tech. There are four new starters on the defensive line, too, which is a big deal, but with an unprecedented collection of skill talent on hand, finally, the complete lack of anyone to actually get them the ball is by far the greatest concern going into the season. The offense could be a revelation if one of these guys manages competence. They’ll carry the blame if not.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious, do it.

Buffett is an alum. Otherwise, I refuse to acknowledge his existence.

I mean, who?

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Find a USM fan and bet on the under for the final record. Odds are your pal is excited about Fedora, the skill talent on offense and the promise of the highest-rated recruiting class in school history (even excluding Brown, its initial grade is better than any of Bower’s classes by a couple miles), but it’s telling that virtually no one outside the program is biting on an immediate shot in the arm. Personally, I’d swallow the bait if not for the radioactive inexperience at quarterback. Even given the situation there, the rest of the conference is vulnerable enough that a division title wouldn’t be a surprise, but short of that, I’m less concerned about the record than I am about seeing some spark on offense and taking a fight to the tougher teams on the schedule (Auburn, Boise, UCF, East Carolina, even Memphis) — if you substitute Tennessee for Auburn, last year’s edition was 1-4 in that stretch, and was effectively blown out by Boise, UCF and the SEC heavy. Seven wins might be acceptable for a debut, given the quarterback/D-line situation, but multiple blowouts is not.

Phil Steele disagrees, but I’d also lay down a reasonable sum on another lower-tier bowl game, especially now that the conference has bought a guaranteed spot in six of them.

For further reading, we recommend SMQ on any subject whatsoever.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…

Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!

Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.

Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Dicky Lyons Jr. - Mr. Lyons, as I will ask you to call him this season, has developed quite nicely since he arrived on campus. Originally brought in and given the number 12 and the responsibility of trying to look like former Cat Derek Abney as much as possible, Mr. Lyons is now a serious threat at wideout. Plus, he’ll knock your block off. Now, after combining for over 100 catches, 1400 yards and 16 touchdowns the past two seasons, it’s time for Mr. Lyons to show whether or not he can lead an inexperienced cast of wideouts. The fate of Mr. Lyons might just be up to…
Mitus Harley – The quarterback competition between sophomore Michael Hartline and redshirt junior Curtis Pulley hasn’t left a clear-cut starter yet and that’s pretty ok with the staff. They’re toying with the idea of a two-quarterback system, or the super quarterback known as “Mitus Harley” for those of you TMZ addicts. Pulley’s scrambling ability is certainly intriguing, but failing to distinguish himself just like in 2006 with Andre Woodson makes you wonder if he’s better off with another year at WR. A developing story to keep your eye on.

Jeremy Jarmon -Being a talented defensive player at Kentucky can seem like a completely thankless job, especially with the wealth of talent employed by almost every university in the conference. However, Jarmon has elicited some offseason praise, after tallying nine sacks a year ago in his sophomore season. A prototypical speed-rusher, Jarmon comes off the corner, using his 4.7-40 time and strength to blaze his way to punishing quarterbacks.
Trevard Lindley -Lindley is the first true lock-down corner at Kentucky since, um, [error 404: file not found]. Another guy who is gathering some offseason pub, Lindley has been a terror at corner, even though he is often matched up with the opponents biggest threat receiver. Had a huge pick to lock up the Georgia upset his freshman year, and snagged one against LSU and Louisville as well.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Louisville: Never will you see a basketball state get so turned upside down for a football game. Even if Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale spewed their pro-ACC garbage at you for weeks, you still couldn’t get hyped for a Duke-North Carolina football game. Not the case with these two basketball schools. A definite sports boner for any Bluegrass resident.
Tennessee: Dear God, are you there? It’s me TJ. And I need a win against the Vols this year. Our beloved Cats have suffered 23 consecutive defeats [LOLZ!!1 --ed.] at the hands of the orange-clad inbreds from the south and it seems like each year they get closer and closer to breaking through. After a two-point loss in four overtimes last year, Kentucky can’t snatch defeat from jaws of victory again, can they? Either way, these games are usually close and passionate because of Senior Day, if nothing else. This year it will be at Tennessee, which means the players who haven’t been arrested yet will be honored.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Norfolk State. Don’t be confused by that 8-3 record from 2007. The Cats second opponent of the season played one team from a BCS conference last year (an overrated Rutgers team) and got pasted 59-0. At least Western Kentucky will bring a crowd that scores high on the tailgating and skirts scale. Norfolk State brings it weak.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Usually, when we were forced to read that trite hack Shakespeare in high school, every hero had one fatal flaw: hubris. However, for Kentucky, our fatal flaw in recent years has not been excessive pride, but an alarming lack thereof. That will happen when you’ve failed to beat your rival for over 20 years. Though confidence is intangible and thus impossible to carry in one’s toolbelt, it has certainly been lacking over the last few decades of Wildcat football. More recently, a belief that we can compete with the best has been apparent, and the results have been evident. That confidence must now continue to permeate the masses at Commonwealth—along with the Beam.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Ok, Jimmy Buffett sucks and I’ve tried to put all of his songs out of my head so I’m going to stray a bit. [Might I recommend "Truckstop Salvation"?  --ed.] Kentucky’s 2008 team can be best represented by Jermaine Jackson’s “Let’s Get Serious”. After decades of living in the shadow of the greatest of all-time (UK basketball) Kentucky football has decided to get S-E-R-I-O-U-S and start acting like an SEC team. Finally free of the shackles of probation and equipped with facilities that actually give off the illusion of program in the finest conference in the land, Kentucky is ready to make a statement. Let’s just hope that they make that statement and don’t disappear into oblivion after peaking at #8 like Jermaine’s song did back in 1980.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Bet on power, respect, hustle, heart and dedication. Believe in blue. Bet on another bowl for the Cats.

For further serious reading on Kentucky, the Library of Congress recommends Kentucky Sports Radio, which is a blog, we think. 

One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The color of the U’s 2008 campaign is definitely green. Not green, as in we get paid _____ by our local benefactors. and not green as in we like to smoke the _______, but green as in… Randy Shannon is putting the best players on the field regardless of age or gameday experience. Case in point:  Miami’s starting quarterback in 2008 will be either the redshirt freshman Robert Marve (who, it should be noted, broke every one of Orson’s boyfriend’s high school football records in the state of Florida) or… true freshman Jacory Harris, who, in addition to leading Miami Northwestern Senior High School to like 15 straight 6A state championships and a #1 national ranking in 2007, hasn’t lost a football game since the Clinton administration. Anyone who actually watched Miami play last year is well aware that the vast majority of Miami’s upper-classmen are just not that good at football. Randy has made no secret about the fact that, come August, the best players on the team are starting. Miami’s top talent is disproportionately found in its freshman and sophmore classes; hence, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes are green. Very, very fucking green.

Or black, if you want to be racialist about it.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

The historical nation and period that most resembles the U in 2008 would have to be the crepe-eating frogs across the pond, circa the 1790’s, shortly after King Louis XVI lost his noggin. You see, back then, the frogs were not the galactic pussies that we have come to know them as today. In fact, the frogs were irrational lunatics with an affinity for violence.  Back then, the frogs had been a global superpower for like several hundred years consecutively, only to fall from grace most unceremoniously in a rather short period of time. This downward spiral took place under the leadership of a really swell guy who everyone really liked, but sadly, he just kinda lacked the ability to break out the iron fist every once in a while and step on a few throats when the circumstances demanded it. Thus, the froggies’ leader, swell guy as he was, lost control of the froggie populace and next thing you knew… heads they were a-rolling. The frogs kinda went overboard in their bloodlust and lopped off a few more heads than they probably should have, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. After many a dome was lopped off, the frogs soon found themselves in this wierd place where they felt the need to go over the top in proving to one another, and to the world, that they were true frogs – frogs worthy of the legacy left by generations of great frogs that had come before them. soon these frogs found themselves under new leadership, only this time, their leader wasn’t some pussified frog-tamer brought in from outside; no, this new frog leader was a true frog raised in the very same swamp as many of his frog soldiers. After some initial hesitation, the frogs quickly embraced their new frog leader, they bought in to his system, and fought like crazed beasts for him. Under the tutelage of their swamp-bred frog leader, the frogs soon found themselves on the path back to being the fearsome, raping-and-pillaging frog empire that they had once been. And they all ate crepes and drank Evian and lived happily ever after. The end.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Graig Cooper (sophmore).

Graig Cooper (sophmore)

G-R-A-I-G…C-O-O-P-E-R

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Most of the country hates the U, so I’m sure you’ll all want to watch us get beat by Florida on September  6th.

Most of the country (”and Canada!” -Barstoolio) also hates Bobby Bowden, so I’m sure you’ll all want to watch Miami beat the ever living fuck out of Florida State on October 4th. 

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

I’d kinda prefer it if you all just didn’t watch the UF game on September 6.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Game day experience?

A senior class?

A wide receiver that can catch?

Ken Dorsey?

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Jimmy Buffet sings this right?

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
Everyone is saying that Marve is the favorite to get the starting gig. Blah blah, he’s been in Pat Nix’s system for a year, blah, blah, laser rocket arm. However…I attended Miami’s spring game and can tell you for a fact that Jacory Harris is the Black Ken Dorsey. He’s tall, he’s gangly, he can’t really put that much mustard on the ball, but fuck if he doesnt look smooth as silk in the pocket, and he puts the ball exactly where its supposed to be when its supposed to be there. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that by mid-October, the true freshman Jacory Harris will be under center for the U.

If you’re looking for, like, an actual wager wager, put a few bucks on Miami to take care of business at home against Virginia Tech  on November 13th. And none of this pussy shit where you’re getting 10 points and just need Miami to cover. Take the money line like a fucking man.

Enjoy the season.

Thank you, sir and madam. If you are interested in learning more about the University of Miami and its football, you are incorrect. All knowledge possibly known about Miami football is contained here in this space. If you absolutely must, just watch Cocaine Cowboys, and wherever it says “Griselda Blanco,” insert the name “Jimmy Johnson.”

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Yellow. It is the color of the flame on Mark Snyder’s hotseat- undoubtedly strong but not quite yet white-hot. The consensus seems to be that he needs at least a 6-6 finish in his fourth season to stay safe. Yellow is also the color of the caution tape around our optimism that this will be the year Snyder turns it around after three losing seasons.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Our history has a strong correlation to that of the Jews. (Really?–ed.) Both were exiled from their homeland (in Marshall’s case, the MAC in the late 60’s) before suffering a tragedy that threatened their very existence (the 1970 plane crash.) However, both managed to survive long enough to return to and utterly dominate their respective homelands in which they were now unbelievably hated (really, the MAC despised Marshall.) The 2002 game against Buffalo, in which at halftime, Marshall led 52-0 and Byron Leftwich had 447 passing yards, serves as a good parallel to the Six-Day War.

Fortunately for Israel, the comparison stops after 2004. They have yet to move out of their homeland and fail miserably over the last 3 years. For our current state, insert whatever “once was powerful but now isn’t” nation here. Argentina, post-Falklands, post-currency collapse–ed.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

DE #96 Albert McClellan

Our Conference USA 2006 defensive POY missed all of last year after going down in two-a-days. His presence alone would have won us a game or two more last year. We ranked dead last in turnovers forced thanks to no pressure on the quarterback.

TE #85 Cody Slate/ WR #1 Darius Passmore

The pass-catchers have to be our biggest strength. Slate is a junior who has been in the top 10 statistically among tight ends in his first two years. Passmore is a senior who brought back memories of Randy Moss wearing #88 last year.

QB # 10 Mark Cann

The key to our season. We had 5 QB’s looking to replace Bernie Morris, but the lefty redshirt freshman came out of spring as the strong favorite.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

- Cincinnati @ Marshall- Friday, October 3, 8:00 PM (ESPN)

Three reasons Marshall will win this game:

A) Home field advantage means everything. The Herd is 112-14 all time at home, and even our terrible defense on our awful 3-9 team last year was able to hold Pat White & company to 6 points in the first half in Huntington.

Quien es mas macho? Yo!

B) Brian Kelly is a cocky bastard. I don’t see his team being prepared for what they’re going to walk into. Last year, the Bearcats played in front of small crowds at San Diego State and Miami (Ohio) University. They’ll play Akron in the Rubber Bowl, one of the most awful venues in college football, six days before this one. Joan C. Edwards stadium will be by far the best non-BCS atmosphere these Bearcats have played in. Nothing gets us fired up like a nationally televised game against a BCS team, and unlike WVU and Kansas State in recent years, Cincy won’t have the advantage of a pre-noon kickoff. The crowd will be loud and likely larger than the capacity of the Bearcats’ own Nippert Stadium.

C) It’s a white-out! The latest success in our ongoing attempt to steal every single tradition from Penn State.

- Marshall @ West Virginia- September 27 (TV: TBA)

Yeah, you’ll come for the Pat White and Noel Devine, but you’ll stay for the national title hopes and couches going up in flames.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

- Marshall @ Wisconsin- September 6 (TV: TBA)

Defensive tackle was our biggest weakness last year, and new defensive coordinator Rick Minter is switching our defense to a 3-4. While it should be improved, I don’t see our defense being able to slow down the Badgers’ running game in our first game of the year against an FBS team.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Defensive tackle is still our biggest weakness until further notice. If Cann fails to deliver, inexperience at quarterback will be what bites us in the ass.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

“The only people that like Jimmy Buffett are frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the south.” – Eric Cartman

While I don’t fall into either of those categories, I would if you changed “chick” to “guy” and “south” to “kind-of-in-the-south.” Seriously, how the hell do you define West Virginia? No one here really knows. The state only exists because it didn’t want to be a secede from the Union. It was a northern state during the war, but most of it is below the Mason-Dixon line. I’ve heard it described as being in the South, Mid-Atlantic (despite not touching the ocean), and Midwest.

Anyway, I only know a couple Jimmy Buffett songs off the top of my head so I had to do some quick Wikipedia research and came up with “There’s Nothin’ Soft about Hard Times.” That’s probably more fitting for the fans, especially my age, who until the last three years, knew nothing but the happy sunshine and rainbows of I-AA championships, MAC titles, and Heisman trophy finalists when it came to Marshall football.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

For a single game, pick us straight up at home against Cincy for the reasons mentioned above. For the season, I’m gonna set the over-under at 7-5. Overly optimistic? Probably. There are signs of an impending turnaround though: a strong finish last year, improved depth, almost no losses at the skill positions outside of QB, the return of McClellan, and hey, Phil Steele has us as the 16th most improved team I think.

At Wisconsin and WVU are near-certain losses. At Southern Miss and East Carolina are likely losses. I think we have a good chance to run the table after that, but I’m gonna throw in one unexpected home loss or a flop at either UAB or Rice.

Thank you, Alex. For further reading on Marshall, the Library of Congress recommends the Torah, or Herd Nation.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes CockNFire from Garnet and Black Attack, the fine Sports Blog Nation journal of all things cock-related. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Orange. It might not be much of a metaphor, but the team’s fate will, as always, be decided by the Orange Crush at the end of the schedule. If they can manage to win every game they should win (always a stretch with the Gamecocks), where South Carolina falls between 7-5 and 10-2 will be decided in the Tennessee-(Arkansas)-Florida-Clemson meat grinder.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

America, late 1780s. Consider Lou Holtz the Articles of Confederation government — the main job was just to get the thing up and running. The brawl at Clemson is the Shays Rebellion, an uprising that convinced everyone it was time for a change. Like the Constitution, Spurrier’s arrival marked the introduction of a stronger system that the previous regime had resisted — in this case, the forward pass. Now, we wait to see if the program will hold together, as the reformed America did after some doubt-inducing struggles, or crash and burn.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

WR Kenny McKinley. McKinley doesn’t make as many impossible circus catches as Sidney Rice — who, I’m convinced, could catch a ball while being eating by a pack of wild hyenas — but he’s always there. McKinley has caught a ball in 33 straight games, set the school’s single-season reception record last year, and had 968 yards last year.

MLB Jasper Brinkley. If he’s as good as the Tyrone Nix apologists suggested last year, he will single-handedly tackle every runner behind the line of scrimmage. Here in the real world, he had 21 tackles and two interceptions in four games, and he didn’t really play any for any significant period of time against LSU.

SS Emanuel Cook. Leading the team in tackles last year with 92, he also had four sacks and three picks.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Sept. 13, vs. Georgia. The Gamecocks almost always play the spelling-challenged Dawgs well, and this will mark Georgia’s first true test before they journey cross-continent to play Arizona State. Will South Carolina lose? Almost certainly. But only after making it interesting.

Nov. 15, at Florida. Spurrier in the Swamp for the second time. You might remember the last time the two teams played, when the Face of Evil Jarvis Moss blocked a field goal at the last second, preserving the Florida win and sending the Gators to the annual Ohio State beatdown. Excuse me, national championship game.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Sept. 20, vs. Wofford. Don’t get me wrong. This will, given South Carolina’s history, likely be a tightly-contested game ending only on the final play, when some miracle (hopefully) saves the Gamecocks from calamity. ::knocks furiously on wood:: But it will be marked by horrible, horrible, sloppy play by South Carolina. This is just how things go for the Garnet and Black.

Yes. Another Downfall parody. Still: appropriate.–ed.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Nothing. We are a complete team. Sure, you kind of wish the two leading quarterbacks wouldn’t throw a combined eight interceptions in a spring game where the rules were rigged. Against the defense. Sure, you kind of wish the other leading quarterback could go a few months without having an urgent meeting with an employee of the Columbia Police Department…

::begins quietly weeping::

Please, please, someone give us a quarterback. We will all give our firstborn for a quarterback.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

One of more recent vintage: Playin’ the Loser Again, which goes in part:

Don’t give me hope
And take it away …
Don’t give me something
To build all around
And just for a thrill
You tear it all down

This is, essentially, the story of the last eight years of Gamecocks football. Just when they seem to be on the cusp of greatness, they do something like lose to Vanderbilt. (For the record, the last time the Gamecocks did that, they lost all 11 games that year. This is the only circumstance under which a loss to Vandy is acceptable.)

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

They will not cover the spread (if one exists) against Wofford. If one doesn’t exist, just bet someone South Carolina will not beat Wofford by ten or more. Somebody will take you up on it.

Google image result #7 for “ball state.”

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Sky blue… as in boundless, ridiculous optimism. It’s rare that a single 7-5 season and three-touchdown bowl loss will have that effect on a fan base. But the first winning season since Bob Dole was a presidential candidate will do that, as will returning all 11 starters on a high-powered offense, along with seven starters on defense. We’re only eight years removed from the true national laughingstock status of a 21-game losing skid (including a 76-0 thrashing at the hands of Kansas State), and we’re only three years removed from a textbook scandal that saw 15 starters sitting out the first four games of the season as we got beat by a combined 157-0 by Iowa, Auburn and Boston College to start the campaign. So you’ll have to forgive us if we’re all a bit “giggly” right now over Coach Brady Hoke’s squad, as Lou Piniella might say.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Luxembourg, 20th Century. Surrounded on three sides by more glamorous (and occasionally hostile and invading) neighbors, we nevertheless seek out our own niche, develop our own, smaller army and consume more alcohol per capita than the rest of the region (statistical anomaly or no). Sure, we’re likely to be overwhelmed by a larger nation with greater resources at some point, but we’ll put out an eye or two along the way.

The entire country of Luxembourg in one photo. Trust us, it’s all there.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

QB Nate Davis. Obviously. Landed in Muncie despite big-time h.s. credentials in Ohio, in large part due to OC Stan Parrish’s guile and a rare Jim Tressel brain cramp (Sweatervest reportedly wanted him to switch positions if he was offered a spot in Columbus). Easily the most talented quarterback in school history. Put simply, we’re going as far as his arm can take us. No pressure or anything, kid.

WR Dante Love: Largely passed over by BCS programs because of his 5-9 stature, Love is Davis’ favorite target and the team’s most versatile weapon (he’s often used as a slot back, returns kicks with reckless abandon, and occasionally lines up to take a direct snap from center… the latter a play we’re hoping Parrish will mothball this year, as it’s been well-scouted out by now and only resulted in near-decapitation of young Dante by the middle of last season). But what sets Love apart is his speed – holy-bejeezus, cheetah-on-greenies, afterburner-like speed. His jets have leveled the playing field for us against more than one higher-profile opponent and prevent them from simply selling out against our passing attack. Davis is the field general, but Love’s the heart of the team, no pun intended.

LB Wendell Brown: While some Cardinal backers are probably surprised to see me bypass our 6-6 tight end (and our most NFL-ready player, if the human hair helmet known as Mel Kiper is to be believed), Darius Hill, for this choice, it’s not done without rationale. Brown, who missed all of last season with a torn pectoral muscle (an injury every bit as painful as it sounds, apparently), was coming into his own at the end of the ’06 season, including a monster game against Michigan at the Big House. The BSU defense was laughably inept at stopping the run last year, and if the Cards are going to make the leap from good 7-5 bowl team to potentially great, nationally-ranked team this season, that has to change. Brown will be a key factor thereabouts.

Google image search result #9 for “ball state.”

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Vs. Navy (Sept. 5): It’s the nationally-televised Friday night game on ESPN, and we’re playing a service academy, so you’ll watch out of patriotism, and out of the curiosity of two wildly contrasting offensive styles (Navy’s methodical ground game vs. Ball State’s wide-open, anything-goes air attack). Last year’s game was pretty good, too, with Ball State winning in OT in Annapolis thanks to a blocked kick by our 32-year-old (that’s no typo, thirty-two) defensive end Brandon Crawford, a Marine veteran. Finally, any chance to see one of the smallest stadiums in Division I-A rocking shan’t be missed. That’s twenty-three-five all loud and up in yo’ grill, lawya!

At Central Michigan (Nov. 19): Last year’s contest featured 96 points, 1,027 yards of total offense and about a dozen cheap shots on both sides. And that was a three-TD win for CMU played in front of a sleepy crowd of about 10,000 at 11 a.m. Put the rematch under the lights, on national TV in front of a likely full house in Mount Pleasant, and let’s just say the “Q” value of this one rises a few points. I make no predictions other than “wildly entertaining with more fireworks than your drunk, redneck neighbor shot into your yard last weekend.” That is, unless we’re still unable to stop that little play-action QB draw that the Chippewas ran successfully about 32 times in their beatdown of us last year.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Vs. Northeastern (Aug. 28): Hopefully, we’ve finally moved past our propensity to lay eggs against 1-AA squads (our 2006 loss to North Dakota State was our third loss to a squad from the 63-scholarship division since 2000). Either way, it won’t be worth your time. Like this would be televised anyways.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Our offense looks to be okay, a veteran O-line, great talent at the skill positions. Our RB corps are a question mark, largely because they were decimated by injuries last year, but if fully recovered, should be a strength. Our areas of need are, as mentioned above, on defense. A run-stuffing DL, to be exact. And while our secondary is fast, they are undersized, which led to getting burned over the top a lot last season.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

I know all of three Buffett songs, and none of them are appropriate to this team. So I’m going to offer lyrics by the greatest band in rock history, The Replacements. I chose “Here Comes a Regular,” from the band’s underrated 1985 masterpiece album, Tim. MMMM. Dirge-y!—Ed.

The lyrics fit perfectly… depressing, like the Muncie economy, and betraying a world-weariness that has seen much heartache (and lousy attendance) over the years. But with a glimpse of hope that something better is on the way. Plus, it’s about drinking. Which Ball Staters enjoy. A lot.

“And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?

Well a drinkin’ buddy that’s bound to another town
Once the police made you go away
And even if you’re in the arms of someone’s baby now
I’ll take a great big whiskey to ya anyway…”

What’s that? You’re forcing me to pick a Buffett song? Aw, hell. Okay. Let’s go with “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw.” Because we’re BALL State, get it? Yeah, me neither.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

The heart wants to declare “11-1, a Top 25 ranking, MAC Championship and being the non-BCS ‘it’ team of 2008,” all topped with a set of jazz hands. (Growing up to be 2006 Boise State is what all non-BCS teams aspire to these days. Hey, it beats realizing you’re living off the mad coin that ten-buck single game tickets provide… dolla-dolla bill, y’all.) However, the brain says 9-3 or 8-4, due to our stunning ability to kick away two or three games per year that we shouldn’t. And as much as I’d like to proclaim this as the year that we finally vanquish That School in Bloomington, we always seem to gag mightily when facing Indiana, and thus, I’ve graduated to the “prove it to me, boys” stage before I’ll feel anything resembling confidence about that contest. Unfortunately, Indiana and Navy are our only non-conference tests of note this season, thanks to Purdue postponing a scheduled game to 2010, so there will be no national ESPN cut-ins to us scaring the holy hell out of a ranked powerhouse in our non-conference games, as happened during our visit to Ann Arbor in 2006 and our trip to Lincoln last year. If all key players remain healthy, however, there’s no reason this squad shouldn’t repeat as one of the MAC’s bowl entrants.

In fact, it’ll be a grand disappointment if they don’t. Even if we’re kinda used to that.

Superb work, Papa Lou. For further reading on Ball State, we recommend BSUFans.com for further information on Ball State football as well as classic Midwestern drink recipes.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Atomic Tangerine. Surely you remember Atomic Tangerine? Crayola started including it in the 72-crayon monster pack in about 1991. It was new. It was cool. It was…Atomic! Except it really wasn’t.

When I was in school, I would inevitably end up sitting next to one of those poor bastards whose family couldn’t afford any more than the 16-crayon pack. In an effort to show the ladies at my table that I was a giver, I’d allow the poor kid to borrow my crayons. For obvious reasons, the first one he would grab was Atomic Tangerine. After five minutes (or, in Iowa’s case, 2002-2004), he’d hand back the Atomic Tangerine and return to his own crayons. The moral of the story: No matter how you package Atomic Tangerine, eventually we all realize it’s just Chartreuse.

Crayola pimpin’: required to describe Iowa’s season.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Western Roman Empire, 5th Century A.D. Adrianople came in the form of the 2005 Iowa State game, and the fall of our once-mighty empire has continued unabated. We are now surrounded by enemies once thought inferior and subject to our dominance (Iowa State, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Northwestern, Illinois) who keep poking the bear, waiting for a response that never comes. While we used to strike with great vengeance against such pathetic opposition, now we’re making deals with barbarians like Bielema and the Zooker so they won’t hurt us. As we all know, it ends with the sacking of Rome; given our offensive line play last year, that seems fitting.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

I shall discuss them using solely their given nicknames.

DT Mitch King: Ill Mitch, MK-47, Du Hast Mitch, (when paired with co-defensive tackle Matt) Kroul and Unusual Punishment.

TE Tony Moeaki: The Flyin’ Hawaiian, The Rainbow Warrior (and, no, we don’t care if he’s actually from Illinois).

OLB A.J. Edds (pronounced “eeds”): A.J. the linebacker (we Iowans have to ration our nickname creativity, especially since the flood). A frequent BHGP commenter combined Edds’ name and a horrible Rob Schneider-centered SNL skit and came up with “You Can Put Your Edds in It.”

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Finding two watchable games on this pu-pu platter of a schedule is practically impossible.

@ Michigan State (Oct. 4): If the Hawkeyes are going to win 9+ games, they will have to show significant improvement on the road. That being said, Iowa hasn’t won a September road game against a bowl-eligible BCS conference school since they beat Penn State in 2002. Iowa hasn’t won a non-conference road game against a bowl-eligible now-BCS conference school since – get this – Penn State in 1983 (unless, of course, you want to count the 2004 Outback Bowl). I’m not saying the Pitt game isn’t important, but it might tell you more about Pitt than it does about Iowa.

Michigan State will show us far more about the Hawkeyes. Sparty is another projected middle-of-the-pack team, in the second game of what should be the easiest three-game stretch of their season. If Iowa goes to East Lansing and wins, the problems on the road might be solved. If Iowa loses close, we know nothing we didn’t know before. If Iowa gets killed, I’m leaving BHGP to write a blog about unicorns.

@ Minnesota (Nov. 22): Six years ago, Iowa went to Minnesota to win Floyd of Rosedale and finish its first undefeated Big Ten season in history. The game started at 11:00 AM. Oh, and they serve beer. Needless to say, it did not end well for the Metrodome.

This year, Iowa comes back for the final Gopher game ever played in the Hump Dump. The game is scheduled for 7:00 PM. Minnesota is beyond terrible. The schedule is bad enough that we might have an outside chance at January football. We still play for the pig. Oh, and they still serve beer. Did I mention the game is scheduled for 7:00? Iowa fans might leave the Metrodome looking like Dresden.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

@ Illinois (Nov. 1): Last year, Iowa got:
The best performance by any defense against Illinois all year (including USC)
The best performance by quarterback Jake Christensen all year
Home field advantage
A 10-minute edge in time of possession
143 yards rushing from two running backs who graduated
A series of inexplicable decisions by El Redacto (including accepting two separate penalties where declining would have left Iowa with a fourth down – one of which led to Iowa’s only touchdown – and substituting McGee for a healthy Juice WIlliams in the fourth quarter)
A fortunate ineligible receiver call which canceled an 80-yard touchdown catch by Arrelious Benn
…and they won 10-6. I have a feeling we might not get quite so many breaks this year. Plus, this comes between home games against Wisconsin and Penn State. Let’s just avoid this game, shall we?

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

If there’s one thing we’re not lacking, it’s tools. the offensive coordinator is a tool. The offensive line coach is a tool. The athletic director might be a bit of a tool. The stands are filled with tools who booed a graduating cornerback on senior day.

To be fair, the cornerback was a tool.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

“AIDSburger in Paradise”. Why? Because fuck you, Jimmy Buffett, you fucking suck! That’s why.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

The number of different starting tailbacks, over/under 3. The starter could be a former player who spent the past season at a community college without a football team and who was described this spring as “liking his television.” Or it could be a JUCO transfer who wouldn’t weigh 150 if he took the field in three sets of shoulder pads and the Tyra Banks fatsuit. Or it could be a true freshman who spent the past 4 years in the Wing T. Or it could be a walk-on named Paki. In other words, take the over. Take it to the bank.

Superb work. For further reading on the Iowa Hawkeyes, the Library of Congress recommends Schopenhauer, who wrote:

A fitting summary of Iowa football in the 21st Century. If you hate dead-end German philosophy, try Black Heart Gold Pants for all things Hawkeye.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Notre Dame blogger Subway Domer. Like Run Up The Score, he doesn’t choose Changes In Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes for the answer to the dreaded Jimmy Buffett Challenge, and for this we salute him already. Enjoy.

One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Green? Notre Dame and the color green have had a long history together. That history has been both kind, and cursed. For years, the lore of green jersey games and of championships won by the players that wore them has been passed on from generation to generation.

However, there are several types of green that Notre Dame has seen over the past 30+ years. The menacing, yet ugly Kelly Green from the 1977 team that the 2007 team “honored” by having their asses handed to them by USC 38-0.

How about the Super Willingham Green that the Irish wore versus Boston College in 2002? So bright and loud, it caused Pat Dillingham (former prom date to Ty’s daughter) to fumble the fucking game away.

No? Perhaps the closest shade of green for this season is that of its newest concoction and the one that I seem to favor the most, oddly enough. Adidas’s Corporate Appeasement Green. This shade almost gave the Irish victory versus USC in 2005 (Ban Bush!) and ended the losing streak in the green jerseys by crushing mighty Army in them before losing at USC in 2006. This is what the 2008 season very well may be: Corporate appeasement or otherwise titled: How To Win Enough Games To Justify National Broadcast Coverage.

Of course you could just say green. Plain old green… with envy.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

The British Empire. 1783.

This is kind of an easy one considering ND had its ass handed to them by the United States Armed Forces as well as those pesky redcoats. This was the beginning of the end of the “Empire”.

What may be more interesting is that Britain kept colonizing other territory, such as the whole of Africa. They had a great idea of making “nations” with “borders” out of huge tracts of land that held many different tribes of people that had been at war with one another for centuries. Brilliant!

That’s ND in a nice nutshell. The Fighting Irish went from one of the greatest programs in the country, to being humiliated by a bunch of “Americans”, to being right on the verge of fucking up an entire continent.

Hell yeah!

Seriously, you called down the thunder. I can’t hear you over all the shooting.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Free safety David Bruton (SR) may be Notre Dame’s only legitimate shot at an All-American this year. He is a very athletic player that is entering his senior year with the Irish. He should benefit greatly from the blitz packages that TAH-NOO-TAH is bringing with him. Basically, fluster the QB into making a mistake. That mistake was #27 flying down the sideline with a pick 6.

Running back Robert Hughes (SO). Hughes is a big body back with quick feet and surprising speed. The Irish will more than likely use 3 or even 4 backs this year, but Robert should see the bulk of the carries after 2 100 yard+ performances to end the season and a 125 yard day at the spring game. He will most certainly be the replacement for Travis Thomas as the short yardage back.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention EDSBS All-American Jimmy Clausen (SO). He is 100% healthy and looked very good in the spring. If the offensive line doesn’t get him killed, Jimmy should have a banner year. He has all but one of his top targets from last year back in 2008, and if the Irish can start running the ball more effectively, Jimmy will shine. Of course he can tank it and have the student body calling for Dayne Crist. Savages.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Because it is Notre Dame, you get the right to watch just about every game they play from almost anywhere in the universe. Picking two sounded tough at first, and then it all melted away into the two most obvious.

#1. September 13th VS. Michigan. Michigan has their own QB problems this year and lost almost everyone on offense from a year ago. They even lost a kid to Ohio State. Man they’re a bunch of losers. Because of this, and a new kind of offense, some prognosticators are pointing at the 2008 version of the Skunkbears (or Wolverines, if you prefer) to have a season very much like the 2007 ND squad. Not likely. Michigan still has a defense that can stop the run and two very good cover corners. This game is a must see, for it will tell the fortune of each teams entire season. And that’s a scientific fact.

#2. October 25th @ Washington. The media still can’t get enough of the Willingham Drama. Oh, poor Ty wanted to leave and then got fired and is getting paid larger than the ruler of Zamunda. Fuck him! Unfortunately for the Irish, Jake Locker is standing in Ty’s corner to help the Molder of Men have his revenge. This game is a must watch because of the dirty undertones of race and money. Weis can’t win even if the team does 46-12. But, he can save face for himself, the program, and the school by beating the shit out of the Huskies. BTW- This game comes after a bye week for the Irish, so expect any Irish news from October 12th to the 26th to contain bullshit about this game.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

October 4th VS. Stanford. Last years game was a mess and it may not get much better this year. The Irish won that sloppy ass game and here are some final awful stats by both teams: 9 personnel foul penalties. 6 turnovers. 5 missed field goals. 4 plays that were reversed after further review. 1 pissed off Harbaugh.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack.

Where do I begin? Oh, of course… the most obvious.

Notre Dame was the worst team last year in pass protection. The offensive line gave up 58 sacks and that my friends, was the worst in the country. So this is the most easily identifiable deficiency going into the 2008 season.

How in the hell is Jimmy going to win 3 Heisman’s, if he can’t stay off of his ass? Anyone?

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious-do it.

Notre Dame is all about tradition. But, with tradition, comes standards and expectations that are almost unfair. We talk about echoes… all the fucking time. Wake ‘em up! Well, why have they been sleeping? Anyways, this seemed very fitting. It’s from Banana Wind – False Echoes (Havana 1921).

Enduring echoes call out from his past
Time ain’t for savin’ no time’s not for that
Chasing false echoes like a lost legionnaire
He waltzes on memories while he fades like a flare

I’m not here to save him, Sheriff. I’m here to save you.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

All you have to do is listen to Phil Steele. Phil has the Fighting Irish playing Florida State in the Gator Bowl this year. But, i think Phil may have fell and bumped his head.

I do agree that Notre Dame should see a bowl game this year, but probably not that big of one. (Phil also had ND playing The “U” in the Gator bowl last year… ouch.) The bet should be that ND will finally overcome their bowl losing streak. Let’s just say that they will play in the PapaJohns.com Bowl. Awesome!

Of course you can make money on the Irish all year. They never cover the spread… ever!

If you would like to know more about Notre Dame, the Library of Congress recommends Subway Domer. If you would like to escape a bullet from Charlie Weis’ gun with your name on it, you might as well ask the sun not to rise.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Hunting jacket orange, the unofficial color of Pennsyltucky and Penn State fans who either forget or refuse to wear blue and white. Orange like the sunset of Joe Paterno’s coaching career at Penn State, which by practically all accounts seems destined to end after the 2008 season. Orange like the brilliant dawn of both the post-AnthonyMorelli era at quarterback and offensive [sic] coordinator [sic] Jay Paterno’s “Spread HD” offense. “HD”, presumably, an abbreviation for “Hilariously Disasterous.”

The last time Joe Pa had horses on offense: either 1994, or in his immortal quadri-car race with Bobby Bowden.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Canada, whenever. Always present but only occasionally entertaining. Happily and drunkenly punching around the periphery of relevance, desperately in need of a rival to provide moments of passion.(We respectfully disagree, sirs. Yours, the Canadian Foreign Ministry-ed.) The Big Ten tried to provide that rivalry when it linked Michigan State and Penn State in a season-ending game which never rotates off the schedule. The conference even invented The Land Grant Trophy, which appears to have been constructed by an eighth-grade shop class at St. Delany’s School For The Blind, Dumb, And Tasteless. In theory, it was a nice enough idea as an attempt to (1) gently nudge Sparty away from its eternal little brother status with respect to Michigan and (2) instantly provide Penn State with some form of dependable matchup that could someday be meaningful. Hasn’t happened yet.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Maurice Evans, defensive end: Penn State may be known as Linebacker U., but has also produced a rather stunning list of great collegiate defensive ends. Evans finished in the top 8 nationally in tackles for loss (21.5) and sacks (12.5), and he’ll be counted upon to provide pressure to help a secondary coping with the loss of cornerback Justin King.

Kevin Kelly, placekicker: What could be wrong with a guy who made 20-26 field goals and 44-45 extra points last season? Kelly has struggled throughout his career outside of 40 yards, making only two of eight attempts in 2007. He has the leg for the job, as his two makes from 40+ were both 50 yards long. Still, with a new quarterback, Penn State will have to make the most of its scoring
opportunities this season. Kelly will have to pull his weight when the offense bogs down between the 25 and 35 yard lines, or you’ll eventually see a lot of new quarterback Daryll Clark attempting to
scramble for short chunks of yards on 4th down conversions.

A.J. Wallace, cornerback: Wallace should be the full-time replacement for the aforementioned Justin King, and Penn State desperately needs him to live up to the hype of being the #8 cornerback coming out of high school (according to Scout). He’s been tremendous with the ball in his hands as Penn State’s kickoff returner and designated end-around carrier, but only started to flourish as a corner during the last few games of 2007. Penn State’s secondary looks to be the weakest part of its defense (even with LB Sean Lee’s ACL injury), and Wallace’s maturation into a lockdown corner is an absolute must if the Nittany Lions are to contend for anything other than the Outback or
Alamo Bowl.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

October 11 at Wisconsin. Penn State has been utterly dreadful on the road for the past few seasons, especially against decent-or-better competition. If Ohio State is indeed the runaway favorite in the Big Televen this year, PSU @ Wisconsin should go a very long way in determining who could conceivably sneak into a BCS at-large slot.

October 18 vs. Michigan. Ah, yes. Michigan. You may have heard that Penn State hasn’t beaten Michigan since 1996, prompting catcalls of “We Own…Penn State!” from Wolverine fans everywhere.

Ed: The only victory Penn State has been able to celebrate over Michigan’s may be seen below.

Rich Rodriguez has to implement a new offense while replacing Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, and Mario Manningham. So the question for Penn State is, “if not now, when?” Unfortunately, Joe Paterno gets even more conservative when he see the winged helmets — envision a combination
of Woody Hayes and Pat Buchanan. If this is really Paterno’s last shot at Michigan, here’s hoping he releases his inner, rabid brain-devouring, referee-chasing zombie for the occasion, and not the
inner zombie that politely nibbles around the clavicle.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

October 25 at Ohio State. But! But! This is a sorta-rivalry game between two high profile programs in neighboring states! Why shouldn’t you watch it? Allow me to present the results of every PSU-OSU game in Columbus since Penn State joined the conference in 1993:

9/23/2006 @ *Ohio State (12-1) L 6 – 28
10/30/2004 @ *Ohio State (8-4) L 10 – 21
10/26/2002 @ *Ohio State (14-0) L 7 – 13
9/23/2000 @ *Ohio State (8-4) L 6 – 45
10/3/1998 @ *Ohio State (11-1) L 9 – 28
10/5/1996 @ *Ohio State (11-1) L 7 – 38
10/30/1993 @ *Ohio State (10-1-1) L 6 – 24

Yes, that would be 7.28 points per game. Probably won’t get the job done this season, either.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Offensive cohesion. We have three wide receivers who will finish very high on the list of all-time receptions at Penn State, but two new quarterbacks vying for the starting position. Five returning starters on the offensive line, but two inexperienced running backs. If you subscribe to the Anybody But Morelli theory of quarterbacking, both of these problems could conceivably iron themselves out if opposing defenses are forced to respect the Penn State passing game. Stop laughing, pretty please.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Buffet and Pennsylvania don’t exactly go together like Smith and Wesson, but perhaps the most appropriate way to say farewell to the Paterno era is, “If The Phone Doesn’t Ring It’s Me”:

I’ve had good days and bad days
And going half mad days
I try to let go but you’re still on my mind
I’ve lost all the old ways
I’m searching for new plays
Putting it all on the line

Even when Paterno leaves, he’ll still be on our mind as we’re searching for new plays. Specific to this season, there will certainly be good days, bad days, and going half mad days — the types of days that are always associated with teams staring at that 8-4 or 9-3 range. Will the Lions put it all on the line against Michigan and Ohio State? History and an unbearably brutal October schedule says that Penn State will remain on the second tier of the conference for another season.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

The last time Penn State covered the spread in Columbus was never. At least since the Nitty Kitties joined the conference in 1993. Might want to keep that in mind when Ohio State is favored by aboot two touchdowns in October, Eh?

If you’d like to read more about Penn State football, we suggest you take every preview written about them for the past eight years, plug in new names, and then digest accordingly. However, if you’d like to know even more, you should visit Run Up the Score. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Safety orange. You know, the type that you find on reflectors, cones, and temporary road signs when construction is going on. Obviously there are some potholes being filled at and maybe some lanes being added to Vaught-Hemingway, but this is no new thoroughfare. No, the unfortunate and inconvenient news is that we’ll be needing to use this program while construction is going on. So, caution, because things might be running a little slow for a while.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Palestine (circa now). We may make a lot of noise, but, honestly, we’re not even on the map. We are undeterred (and for some of us, completely unaware) of this fact, and we don’t care how many guns, tanks, nuclear bombs, or fifth-string running backs you have Israel/LSU, we’re still gonna get up in your God/Allah/Yahweh-damned face.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Jevan Snead is the savior of Ole Miss football. There, we said it. I mean, he is a highly touted, dual-threat quarterback. You know, like Brent Schaeff… oh, oops, maybe more like Robert Lane… no? Fuck, shit, ummm, Michael Spurlock? You know what, just trust us on this one.

Greg Hardy is an all-American at defensive end and primadonna. People hate on Greg Hardy for his attitude and general demeanor, but you’d walk around with typical T.O. swagger if you were a potential first-rounder on the defensive line who caught touchdown passes – with an “s” – last season. Not only is he a beast as a pass-rusher, but he is also a legitimate red-zone threat.

Michael Oher didn’t write the book on being a left tackle (because he may be illiterate), but the book on left tackles, Michael Lewis’ The Blind Side, was written about him. Hey, Jesus didn’t actually write the Bible either. If Jevan Snead is going to perform well at quarterback, he will need a guy like Michael Oher protecting him.

Dexter McCluster is the player on the list about whom you probably know the least. McCluster is lightning in a glass bottle, but, unfortunately, his bones are made of the same material. He’s tough and never shies away from contact, but that’s been his downfall the last two seasons, as he has been injury-riddled. The reason you will know about him is that when we utilize Houston Nutt’s famous Wild Cat/Hawg/Rebel formation, Dex will line up under center.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Arkansas. There are few things crazier than Houston Nutt, but the atmosphere in Fayetteville the day he comes back should be one of them. Also, say what you will about Houston’s fitness to stand trial in a criminal proceeding, but he’s an honest, stand-up fella. Bobby Petrino is, on the other hand, a low-down, no-account, greasy, dastardly, hatin’, heinous, diabolical, unprincipled, scrub-like, pusillanimous rapscallion. On second thought, maybe it’s unfair to associate Bobby Petrino’s worst qualities with Arkansas. He may well no longer work there by October. Plus, we’re gonna beat their ass, ‘cuz they’re gonna suck balls this year (Casey Dick? SRSLY?)

And Alabama. Greg Hardy sacked Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson thrice in 2007. If Jerrell Powe qualifies and lives up to even HALF of the hype he’s garnered at defensive tackle/Godzilla stunt double, expect our defensive line to perform a four-way “Wobbly H” on JPW in front of 90,000 horrified Tide fans. What is a Wobbly H, you ask? Google it when the kids aren’t around.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

For your personal safety – Memphis. Science has proven that the crime rate in Oxford rises 400,000% every time the Tigers come to Vaught-Hemingway. If you dare watch, you might get shot at home … through the TV. Also, this is the last time that this “storied rivalry” will ever be played out, and we’re predicting a win. Keep in mind, even Hurricane Orgeron was a levee-busting 3-0 against Memphis.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

We’re carrying a typically Texas, six-shooter .45 in Jevan Snead, but we don’t have much in the way of ammo. If he were to go down, we would be hard pressed to find a suitable backup. Also, in the “cornerback” holser on our utility belt we’ve got a photograph of Calista Flockhart. Our starters are suitable at best, but after that we have true freshmen and converted wideouts. Ouch.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Nothing quite says Ole Miss-style nostalgia like “A Pirate Looks at Forty.”

“I’ve done a bit of smugglin’
I’ve run my share of grass.
I made enough money to buy Miami,
But I pissed it away so fast, (Exhibit A)
Never meant to last, never meant to last.
I have been drunk now for over two weeks,
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks,
But I’ve got to stop wishin’,
Got to go fishin’,
I’m down to rock bottom again. (Exhibit B)
Just a few friends, just a few friends.”

See Exhibit A. John Vaught won more SEC games than anyone except Bear Bryant. Since then, David Cutcliffe has been the best we could muster. Overnight, it seems, we went from national power to cellar-dweller. Little wonder we cling so tightly to tradition here. As for Exhibit B, if Ole Miss is going to be anything more than simply consistently better than State, we’ve got to stop practicing silly optimism (like experimenting with aggressive, young recruiters).

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Houston Nutt has only lost to State once in his career. We can guarantee he won’t get Croomed. Not this season, not ever.

If you’d like to read more about Washington football, the Library of Congress recommends that you stay the hell away from that poncey Faulkner asshole and pay a visit to Red Solo Cup. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Well, if you happen to take a gander at this scoreboard, it might be easy to assume that Mizzou’s 2008 season could be construed as a certain shade of orange. But after what many perceived to be a golden season last year, that hue has started to fade as the fan base turns their attention to business in 2008. This year, it’s all about black and white. 12 wins were a thing of beauty for a fan base in desperate need of some success and some national spotlight, but this year, expectations are set. Win the Big 12 and be a player on the national stage – no shades of grey. And, if you want to take it out of context and use another form of black and white, who am I to judge?

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Missouri: smoking, full of potential.

This was a tough one, but I’ll stick by present day Emerging China. Both China and the Missouri football team are having to get a feel for new found power and respect, and a lot of eyes are focused their way waiting to see how they conduct their business. In addition, no one is quite sure what to expect from them in the future.

Case in point:

“Anyone who gives a straight-line prediction about where China will be in 20 years is making it up.” — Heritage.org

Anyone who can give you a prediction on where the Mizzou football program will be in 20 years is hitting a Missouri pride point a little too hard. Plus, if Missouri is going to emerge, it wants to do it with the borders sealed, monopolizing on its own people (especially since Missouri lacks a major D1 school in-state with which to compete).

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Everyone should know the names Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, and William Moore. All three are popping up on All-American lists across publications and Web sites everywhere. All three are important, and losing any of the three could be a devastating blow.

Note: all three are UNLEASHED!–ed.

But other, under-the-radar names could tell the story of the season. Center Tim Barnes takes over for a position that has seen only three starters in the last 12 years. LB Sean Weatherspoon must fill in a defensive leadership gap left by the departures of DT Lorenzo Williams and S Pig Brown.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Aug. 30, vs. Illinois (in St. Louis) – The season opener is set for ESPN and brings national exposure to a matchup of two teams who stole some spotlight from the rest of the country last year. Missouri dominated the early part of the game last year before Rashard Mendenhall’s angry running and Eddie McGee’s relief effort at QB had Missouri fans (accustomed. to. heartache.) fearing the worst. This season, if Missouri’s at full throttle, it shouldn’t require a last minute interception for Mizzou to leave STL at 1-0.

Oct. 18, at Texas – If Mizzou takes care of business in St. Louis, exorcises demons in Lincoln against Nebraska, and avoids a home trap against OSU, the Tigers will be heading to Austin for their marquee matchup of the season. Mack, Colt, and crew will be coming off the Red River Shootout, and will either be on an extreme high or be extremely pissed off, neither of which could be good for Mizzou. Last year, Missouri hung tough with Oklahoma in Norman, which was a “moral victory” (if you believe in that type of thing) at the time. This season, hanging tough won’t cut it. The ‘Horns are Missouri’s biggest threat to running the table throughout the regular season.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Sept. 6, vs. Southeast Missouri State – I’m going to pretend like this game never happened. I welcome you to do the same.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Oddly enough, the biggest complaint you’ll hear out of Missouri’s circles is the major questions about, (dramatic pause….), the punting situation (GASP!). Departed Adam Crossett, at times, showed that he had a cannon of a leg but the accuracy of a spray bottle. The job seems wide open heading into the fall, and don’t be too surprised if Pinkel goes all “Mike Leach” by trusting his efficient offense more than he trusts his punter.

In addition, Missouri lacks the water from the River Styx, which would be extremely useful given the Tigers penchant for injury so far during the offseason (WR Danario Alexander, LB Sean Weatherspoon, LB Van Alexander).

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Unequivocally, it’s “Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude,” although the metaphor is slightly different. Missouri has never been at the latitude at which it currently stands. Mizzou is supposed to be the hunters, not the hunted. But the attitudes in the program and in the fan base are shifting. All of this is mounting on a fan base that, like I noted earlier, is nowhere near immune to sudden despair. When it comes to Missouri’s storied history of disappointment, “if we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”

“These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes,
Nothing remains quite the same.
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands,
If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane”

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

I’ll bet you $10 bucks that you can’t watch Jeremy “Percy Harvin of the Midwest” Maclin for an entire season and not develop a serious mancrush. Unless, of course, you hate speed. In which case, you can get the hell out of my country. If you don’t like America, then you can git out!

The Library of Congress has no comment on the state of Missouri due to a long-running spat between the state and our nation’s information repository over a prized copy of a Laura Ingalls Wilder sex lithograph. We, however, recommend that if you want to learn more about Missouri, you check out Rock M Nation.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Fire Engine Red. Anyone who’s bothered to compile a pre-season “Coaches on the Hot Seat” list has Ty Willingham at the top of it. Mix that into a dish that includes Phil Steele ranking the Huskies’ schedule as the toughest in the nation (for the second consecutive year–thanks athletic department!) and pre-season injuries to key players, and you’ll understand why Willingham often has a sour look on his face–he tastes a set up. Many Husky fans would welcome Willingham’s firing, but some (i.e., me) see it as another step back for a program that’s rapidly devolving toward irrelevance.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Imperial Rome, Crisis of the Third Century.

After the relative peace and prosperity of the Owens/James/Lambright era (1957-1998), Willingham leads a shaky regime, populated by citizens who remember better times and haven’t come to terms with the outside forces (parity, the rise of the Oregon schools) that have beset their beloved empire. As a result, the Huskies have had four head men in just ten years, and another coup is imminent.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

HUGS FOR JAKEY! HIM LOVE THE HUGS!

QB Jake Locker: The Tim Tebow of the West. Locker shares Tebow’s speed, strength, and earnest whiteness. One major difference–Locker’s spending his summer playing amateur baseball, not circumcising Filipino boys. Locker set the official Pac-10 record for rushing yards by a QB last year, but also the unofficial record for most receivers left standing confused as a pass sailed 20 feet over their heads. The man’s acceleration and slipperyness in the open field are a joy to watch, but his accuracy must improve.

C Juan Garcia: He’s the guy fans look at and ask “is he STILL on the team?” Garcia was recruited to UW by Rick Neuheisel. The only returning Husky to appear on an All-Pac-10 team last year, Garcia came back for a sixth year (he got two medical hardship waivers) to improve his pro prospects. Then, in ‘08 spring practice, he tore a ligament in his foot. Instead of having season-ending surgery, Garcia’s opted to hope that the ligament will heal itself by football season. Early reports are promising, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed, but it looks likely that the Huskies won’t have their second most-valuable player.

LB E.J. Savannah: The Huskies’ leading tackler last year (and sixth in the Pac-10) was suspended for part of spring practice for reasons that Ty Willingham wouldn’t identify. Then, early this month, Savannah broke his arm. How? While arm wrestling, according to the Seattle Times. To steal a joke from one of my blog commenters, looks like all the post-practice chocolate milk the Huskies were drinking didn’t strengthen their bones. Savannah’s out three months which (boop beep boop) could force him out of the season opener. Look for the Dawgs defense to improve once he gets back.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

vs. Notre Dame (Oct. 25): Willingham finally gets his chance to prove that black coaches are smarter than fat ones. Willingham typically displays about the same amount of emotion in public as Dick Cheney, but gets an unmistakable glint of anger in his eyes when Notre Dame comes up. If Willingham could suit up for this game, he probably would.

Neuheisel’s return will be a dramatic, gripping, and finely wrought performance.

vs. UCLA (Nov. 15): Slick Rick Neuheisel’s return to Husky Stadium will be the occasion for the most thorough booing since J.D. Drew’s first game in Philly. Husky fans may be divided about Ty Willingham, but we all despise Rick Neuheisel for running the program into the ground (more on that later).

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

vs. Stanford (Sept. 27): This game is usually close, but in the worst possible way–both teams seem to play down to each other. Two years ago the Dawgs lost by 17 points despite allowing just 7 first downs. Go figure that one out. Someone asked Willingham after that game what the problems were with the Husky offense. He said in his laconic way: “Throwing and catching. Blocking and running.”

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Any semblance of a defensive line. Three of four starters graduated, and the two top DEs on the depth chart have a combined three career tackles. This disastrous situation (hello? JC?) has led to speculation that new DC Ed Donatell, formerly of the Packers and Falcons, will install a 3-4. Mum’s the word, though, the better to surprise season-opening opponent Oregon.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Come Monday
I guess I never was meant for glitter rock and roll
And honey I didn’t know
That I’d be missin’ you so
…
California has worn me quite thin
I just can’t wait to see you again

In the late ’90s, the Huskies were rolling along smoothly under Husky lifer Jim Lambright, racking up annual bowl game appearances despite killer non-conference and Pac-10 schedules. But one 6-6 season got AD Barbara Hedges looking into UCLA-grad Rick Neuheisel’s dreamy blue eyes, and she was hooked on Rick. Lambright’s one-foot-in-front-of-the-other ways (he spent 23 years as an assistant before getting his shot at the head job) were cast aside for Neuheisel’s WIN! WITH! GLAMOUR! mentality. The program was already in decline before Neuheisel’s gambling got him canned (unfairly, a court later ruled, costing UW a $4.5 million settlement). With the talent cupboard bare due to Neuheisel’s disdain for unglamorous positions like lineman, the program went into freefall, and–just to show you how far we’ve come: that same 6-win season that cost Lambright his job in 1998 would, in 2008 Husky World, probably save Willingham’s.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Once per game, Jake Locker’s deceptive speed will cause a safety or linebacker to take a terrible angle, leaving him grasping desperately at Locker’s winged feet.

If you’d like to read more about Washington football, the Library of Congress recommends Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol. Oh, drat: we meant Enjoy the Enjoyment. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.