Teams: there are a lot of ‘em. In our ongoing attempt to bring you the most outstanding mediocre coverage of college football as we know it, we bring on visiting lecturer LSUJoshua, who will lecture today on Dr. Miles’ School for the Garishly Attired and Athletically Gifted. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of colour.

LSU is crystal clear, as in our two BCS trophies and how it’s obvious by now that Les Miles knows more than you about coaching football. Make excuses or downplay all you want. Simple fact of the matter is that LSU among the tippy top of cfb elite and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, thanks largely to Miles’ ability to out recruit and out coach the rocket scientist you pay a South America defense budget for.

I challenge any man in this room to meet me in Kitchen Stadium. On the menu: your ass.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Cimmeria. Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aireus. It’s a great time to be a barbarian citizen of this Hyborean Age empire right now as the Tigers are enjoying their greatest stretch of success to date. A year like this used to be spent on the sidelines as we waited for new guys to mature for the next run. Now, extreme levels of talent and some of the best conditioning and coaching around have LSU always competitive, if not dominant. Upstart neighbors are brutally subjugated (Miss. St., Bama, Ole Miss) and we get the best of the serious competition, sometimes decidedly so.

Yeah, occasionally some wandering barbarian rhino out there might take time out of circumcisions to try and take a cut at us or some village idiot from the plains might to give us trouble, especially around the knees. (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. We offer up CV3000’s estimates from Building the Dam, who would like to tell you about Oregon State, Sammie Stroughter, and on the art of not making beaver jokes every single day of your life as an Oregon State fan.

Alanis wasn’t bad, but who doesn’t prefer Godspell’s creepy clown Jesus, eh?

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We’re not so big on color metaphor. Our lack of bigness on color metaphor requires us to state what may be obvious to everyone: Orange.

That the most obvious color would also be the most metaphorically appropriate color is nothing short of…high irony. Even Alanis Morisette herself (need I remind you she played GOD in a movie?) would be proud that the Beavers have risen from the ashes and ascended the ranks of the Pac-10–winning the 3rd most games of any conference team in the current century. Consider the color of the rising sun that must have awoken the Rip Van Winkle of College Football a decade ago. Consider the color of cones, hard hats, and that weird, plastic fencing they use at construction sites as required to replace or remodel every athletic facility in Beaverland (well, the stadium is 2/3 replaced–I assure you it is possibly the nicest half of a stadium for 3 BCS conference geographic footprints away…did someone say there’s French laundry in the Loge Level? Ooh la la, tres orange.) and to make them as delicious of a dish as you might find in any other fine Factorie du Football. Consider the color of hope. Consider: orange you glad we didn’t say banana?

But, what about TODAY? What has orange done for them lately? (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. North Carolina is one of them, here previewed by Mike of Tarheel Mania, a man who thanks to years of John Bunting appreciates a good mustache like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed appreciates a good waterboarding. Enjoy.

Tailgunner Spongebob says UNC is lookin’ up.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

1. SpongeBob Yellow. This is to say that we are highly optimistic (and ready…and ready…) about our situation and potential despite the fact that, given the complete picture, things aren’t as hot as we believe. Nevertheless, SpongeBob is a very happy invertebrate. It’s all about perspective. And if all goes awry, we’ll just deploy the Conch Signal to Roy Williams come November. Tyler Hansbrough kinda looks like a fish anyway.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now? (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. Consider Southern Miss, here previewed by Matt Hinton, a.k.a. SMQ, who we’re gonna go ahead and run while he’s still free content. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

In studies, workers in offices painted blue complained the room was too cold; when the same room was painted a warm peach, even though the temperature was the same, they tended to start removing jackets and sweaters.

Did someone say…blue?

Apologies–we couldn’t help ourselves. Good luck getting that out of your head. We recommend a claw hammer for the job.

For some USM partisans, blue — that is, the conservative, consistent, running-and-defense pastiche of the Jeff Bower era — was just fine. (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Evan and Thomas from something called Kentucky Sports Radio.  Below, their bullet-point primer of the Mildcats.  Do enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…

Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!

Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.

Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…

(more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Lieutenant Winslow, who brings us the only review of DA U you need to read ever for any reason. Get out the tubes and drop your pants: your mind-colonic starts now. Featuring assists by the Great Barstoolio.

One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The color of the U’s 2008 campaign is definitely green. Not green, as in we get paid _____ by our local benefactors. and not green as in we like to smoke the _______, but green as in… Randy Shannon is putting the best players on the field regardless of age or gameday experience. Case in point:  Miami’s starting quarterback in 2008 will be either the redshirt freshman Robert Marve (who, it should be noted, broke every one of Orson’s boyfriend’s high school football records in the state of Florida) or… true freshman Jacory Harris, who, in addition to leading Miami Northwestern Senior High School to like 15 straight 6A state championships and a #1 national ranking in 2007, hasn’t lost a football game since the Clinton administration. Anyone who actually watched Miami play last year is well aware that the vast majority of Miami’s upper-classmen are just not that good at football. Randy has made no secret about the fact that, come August, the best players on the team are starting. Miami’s top talent is disproportionately found in its freshman and sophmore classes; hence, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes are green. Very, very fucking green.

Or black, if you want to be racialist about it.

(more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Marshall University fan Alex, who provides us with an appropriately thunderous preview. For today, HE. ARE. MARSHALL. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Yellow. It is the color of the flame on Mark Snyder’s hotseat- undoubtedly strong but not quite yet white-hot. The consensus seems to be that he needs at least a 6-6 finish in his fourth season to stay safe. Yellow is also the color of the caution tape around our optimism that this will be the year Snyder turns it around after three losing seasons.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Our history has a strong correlation to that of the Jews. (Really?–ed.) Both were exiled from their homeland (in Marshall’s case, the MAC in the late 60’s) before suffering a tragedy that threatened their very existence (the 1970 plane crash.) However, both managed to survive long enough to return to and utterly dominate their respective homelands in which they were now unbelievably hated (really, the MAC despised Marshall.) The 2002 game against Buffalo, in which at halftime, Marshall led 52-0 and Byron Leftwich had 447 passing yards, serves as a good parallel to the Six-Day War.

Fortunately for Israel, the comparison stops after 2004. (more…)

Former South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, depicted seconds before his tragic death.

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes CockNFire from Garnet and Black Attack, the fine Sports Blog Nation journal of all things cock-related. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Orange. It might not be much of a metaphor, but the team’s fate will, as always, be decided by the Orange Crush at the end of the schedule. If they can manage to win every game they should win (always a stretch with the Gamecocks), where South Carolina falls between 7-5 and 10-2 will be decided in the Tennessee-(Arkansas)-Florida-Clemson meat grinder.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

America, late 1780s. Consider Lou Holtz the Articles of Confederation government — the main job was just to get the thing up and running. The brawl at Clemson is the Shays Rebellion, an uprising that convinced everyone it was time for a change. Like the Constitution, Spurrier’s arrival marked the introduction of a stronger system that the previous regime had resisted — in this case, the forward pass. Now, we wait to see if the program will hold together, as the reformed America did after some doubt-inducing struggles, or crash and burn.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

WR Kenny McKinley. McKinley doesn’t make as many impossible circus catches as Sidney Rice (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Ball State fan and longtime EDSBS commenter Papa Lou B.S.U., who has for over two decades bravely downed a shot and stuck his head in the sweet guillotine of Ball State fandom. Enjoy.

Google image result #7 for “ball state.”

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Sky blue… as in boundless, ridiculous optimism. It’s rare that a single 7-5 season and three-touchdown bowl loss will have that effect on a fan base. But the first winning season since Bob Dole was a presidential candidate will do that, as will returning all 11 starters on a high-powered offense, along with seven starters on defense. We’re only eight years removed from the true national laughingstock status of a 21-game losing skid (including a 76-0 thrashing at the hands of Kansas State), and we’re only three years removed from a textbook scandal that saw 15 starters sitting out the first four games of the season as we got beat by a combined 157-0 by Iowa, Auburn and Boston College to start the campaign. So you’ll have to forgive us if we’re all a bit “giggly” right now over Coach Brady Hoke’s squad, as Lou Piniella might say.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Luxembourg, 20th Century. (more…)

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Iowa Hawkeye blogger and Black Heart Gold Pantser Hawkeye State on Hawkeyes 2008. When you get “AIDSburger in Paradise” stuck in your head, blame him.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Atomic Tangerine. Surely you remember Atomic Tangerine? Crayola started including it in the 72-crayon monster pack in about 1991. It was new. It was cool. It was…Atomic! Except it really wasn’t.

When I was in school, I would inevitably end up sitting next to one of those poor bastards whose family couldn’t afford any more than the 16-crayon pack. In an effort to show the ladies at my table that I was a giver, I’d allow the poor kid to borrow my crayons. For obvious reasons, the first one he would grab was Atomic Tangerine. After five minutes (or, in Iowa’s case, 2002-2004), he’d hand back the Atomic Tangerine and return to his own crayons. The moral of the story: No matter how you package Atomic Tangerine, eventually we all realize it’s just Chartreuse.

Crayola pimpin’: required to describe Iowa’s season.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Western Roman Empire, 5th Century A.D. (more…)