Navy @ #6 Ohio State

Terrelle Pryor IS Belle IN La Belle et la Bête. Not the Disney cartoon Beauty & the Beast, but the 1946 Cocteau version where everything is sepia-toned and miserable. (The rest of Columbus is the beast, whom la princesse charms with his gentle, caring ways and methed-up deer speed.) The Buckeyes are a three-touchdown favorite, but Navy has been popping up here and there as a trendy upset pick. This year, that’s a mistake. Niumatalolo is as wizardly as he is unpronounceable, but OSU actually looks to be fielding something on the order of a solid (no, really, for real this time) squad and Tressy has a sterling opening record. (If this were the Disney version, though, he’s so totally that matronly teapot.)

#13 Georgia @ #9 Oklahoma State

Mark Richt IS Obi-Wan Kenobi IN Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The East is down, but not out, you rebel scum. Though contractually obligated to take Georgia here, it’s not a bad bet. Even with a not-grievously-injured Zac Robinson and zippy Dez Bryant primed and ready, the Richt “We <3 U Lowered Expectations” party line is a party line for a reason. And while Okie State may not have to play the kind of frantic, tailspinny defense usually required of Big XII South squads, Georgia’s backfield woes have been unnecessarily exaggerated (even is Joe Cox is just wheezing back there and can barely lift his arm to hand off). Woe betide the rest of the SEC when they emerge from their summer cocoons, more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Nevada @ #23 Notre Dame

Jimmy Clausen IS Sonora Webster IN Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. It’s a dirty thrill a minute when you join up with Jolly Charlie’s Travelin’ Circus, but be warned — one instant you’re a diving girl in a pretty dress savoring the roar of the crowd, the next minute you remember you signed on to jump a goddamn horse off a high platform into a barrel and people paid good money to see your slender ass go through with it. Nine billionteen points later, knowing these two quarterbacks, will J-Claw be the toast of South Bend or blinded in a freak accident and reduced to learning the ways of life — and love — at the strong, silent hands of Al Carver? (In the movie. It happens in the movie.) My money’s on the other baby ostrich signal-caller, EDSBS favorite Colin Kaepernick. (Programming note: Just for giggles, I’ll be picking against the Irish for the entirety of the season, even when I don’t think they deserve it, just to see how long it takes for this one Y! commenter of mine to plant a bomb in my car. I explain this here because y’all have a singular ability, unparalleled anywhere else on God’s green internet, to take a joke with good cheer, and because Harrison Smith and Golden Tate are still my boys no matter the jersey colors. Although, for rills, we really think they might get outgamed tomorrow.)

(more…)

So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. (more…)

Hi. You know who I am. This thumb’s for you, Colt McCoy, because you’re a champion who takes my breath away and turns in slow motion away from onrushing defenders bent on crushing you. You took the highway to the danger zone but took the exit toward Victory Lane, and for that I’m buzzing your tower and oiling myself up for a one-on-one volleyball game. You’re invited.

No more playing with the boys, Colt: just you and me, a Colt and a Maverick out in the field doing what animals do. I’m bringing this thumb. Let’s role play: this time, you be Sam Bradford, and I’ll be Brian Orakpo and Sergio Kindle.

This is your open thread for the afternoon. We don’t judge you, whatever you’d like to do with or to Colt McCoy and the rest of the magnificent Texas Longhorns, who played the finest game of the year thus far against the Oklahoma Sooners. Boom. Motherfucker.

How did your Saturday go? Get some laundry done? Watch your team sputter for three quarters before waking up and going for the balls in the fourth quarter? Get caught in a class 2 sex act on national television during the Texas/UTEP game? You did? We think we saw that. (Warning: video shows no nudity, but instead just a blurry, suggestive motion of immense humorous content. Nevertheless, viewer discretion is advised.)

This video represents the greatest amount of fun anyone has ever had with a Bob Davie football-related event, though you wouldn’t know it from the guy’s relatively impassive face. Footbaw! (HT: Dave.)

Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods. So let us celebrate the struggle!

The official biography of Kim Jong-Il and Pete Carroll’s actual life inch closer together by the day:

First, Kim:

North Korean publications describe Kim Jong Il as a renaissance man who has flown fighter aircraft, written operas and shot 11 holes-in-one in his first try at golf.

And who can conjure food from his empty hands! Oh, wait…

And then there’s Pete Carroll, who unlike Kim actually does the things written about him. In the middle of communing with the People’s Spirit on Mount Paektu and writing three symphonies, each more beautiful than the other and more beautiful than any music ever composed before, Pete decided to take a little batting practice with predictable results at the Coliseum, which is being rigged into a baseball stadium for an exhibition game between the Red Sox and Dodgers.

Carroll and tight ends coach Brennan Carroll each drilled three homers over the 62-foot-high net down the 199-foot left field line, and quarterbacks assistant Yogi Roth hit the staff’s only other home run in the hour-long batting practice session.

Oh god! I haven’t been able to smell in thirty years! Hit another one, Pete! Hit another one!

Of course he did. Did you see the definition and perfect form in his swing? And fact that when he hit the ball, it flew into the net and TURNED INTO A DOVE OF HOLY PEACE? Pete Carroll is thinking about you right now, and knows you can be more as a person than you ever dreamed of being. Will you answer the challenge, grasshopper?

Keenan Jones of Hawaii has been arrested and charged with unauthorized entry into a motor vehicle and second-degree assault. The two counts are both felonies, and total seven points for Hawaii in the Fulmer Cup. Seven, you ask? Why add a bonus point on top of the three points a piece for the felonies? As usual: style, sir, sheer inescapable style, brought to this case by the inclusion of some low-quality PPV pr0n.

A court document on the latest charges noted “the catalyst” for the domestic problems between the two stems from Jones allegedly using the woman’s cable provider to rent 13 porn movies resulting in a bill of over $300.

Lady, you don’t understand: this is how the deal works. Keenan gets porn, you pay for it, and when you complain about it, I shut a door on your toes and break two of them, because your bill must be mistaken. And those charges must be from your chick movies like August Rush and shit, because everyone knows porno is free–you press a button and it just shows up there on the tv. Amy Adams, though…damn. That girl can play Keenan’s cello anytime. Or share the couch with me when I crack out the butter churn and get to work on the couch, which I would do with a towel under my ass just like a gentleman would. That’d be some positively Enchanted shit there.

Missouri’s Secret Shame, Volleyball Mascot: Miz Meow!

The Missouri Tigers went from the proverbial driver’s seat to riding in the bed of the pickup truck in three horrific hours on Saturday night. It’s tough medicine, to be sure, but it’s also no time for crying. No one wants to hear you whine about being left out of the BCS, Missouri. Your football program has been a joke for as long as we can remember and one good season does not afford you the respect you think you’re entitled to. This was a good season for you, so let’s not leave on bad terms. You were the #1 team in the country and had a chance to avenge your only loss of the season. You got an opportunity to show the nation that you were for real — and you blew it in spectacular fashion. Oklahoma pistol-whipped you, as evidenced by this animated drive chart . The Sooners used your carcass to convince me that they may actually be the best team in the country right now, so let this be a learning experience for your entire beleaguered state. If you want to be known for more than meth production and excessive Christianity, then I suggest you take a few plays off, look at what you’ve accomplished, and focus on beating a Nuttless Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl. Godspeed!

Mistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend’s vagina, but hey, that’s why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we’re getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it’s only when you’re down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you’re down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It’s like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.

Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)

I can feel the lack of trust. It’s OK. This is why I’m going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is… well forget that. Oregon isn’t looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That’s not going to happen again. Oregon’s playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops’ job. I’m sure they can’t wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it’s useless, and by the second half, they’ll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you’re already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.

West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)

The Mountaineers are coming to town and they’re bringing Steve Slaton, the nation’s #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with ‘em. They’ve outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD’s over those 2 games. I’m sure you saw West Virginia’s terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.

Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here’s what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn’t walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn’t walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn’t walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he’s fat. (more…)

Orson Swindle can’t be here today as he’s in the Himalayas attempting to become the first man to solo climb the North Ridge of K2 in chamois pants and a bucket hat. Please send him to the summit with your best thoughts. Guest hosting today and tomorrow will be EDSBS token double X chromosome, Holly, from Snarkastic and Ladies… and the lovely, talented, and startlingly virile jebushchrist from Black Heart Gold Pants.  Please feel free to treat them as you would Mr. Swindle, but with significantly diminished expectations of humor.

The Mgmt