The official biography of Kim Jong-Il and Pete Carroll’s actual life inch closer together by the day:
First, Kim:
North Korean publications describe Kim Jong Il as a renaissance man who has flown fighter aircraft, written operas and shot 11 holes-in-one in his first try at golf.
And who can conjure food from his empty hands! Oh, wait…
And then there’s Pete Carroll, who unlike Kim actually does the things written about him. In the middle of communing with the People’s Spirit on Mount Paektu and writing three symphonies, each more beautiful than the other and more beautiful than any music ever composed before, Pete decided to take a little batting practice with predictable results at the Coliseum, which is being rigged into a baseball stadium for an exhibition game between the Red Sox and Dodgers.
Carroll and tight ends coach Brennan Carroll each drilled three homers over the 62-foot-high net down the 199-foot left field line, and quarterbacks assistant Yogi Roth hit the staff’s only other home run in the hour-long batting practice session.
Oh god! I haven’t been able to smell in thirty years! Hit another one, Pete! Hit another one!
Of course he did. Did you see the definition and perfect form in his swing? And fact that when he hit the ball, it flew into the net and TURNED INTO A DOVE OF HOLY PEACE? Pete Carroll is thinking about you right now, and knows you can be more as a person than you ever dreamed of being. Will you answer the challenge, grasshopper?
With the towel, like a gentleman. Keenan Jones of Hawaii has been arrested and charged with unauthorized entry into a motor vehicle and second-degree assault. The two counts are both felonies, and total seven points for Hawaii in the Fulmer Cup. Seven, you ask? Why add a bonus point on top of the three points a piece for the felonies? As usual: style, sir, sheer inescapable style, brought to this case by the inclusion of some low-quality PPV pr0n.
A court document on the latest charges noted “the catalyst” for the domestic problems between the two stems from Jones allegedly using the woman’s cable provider to rent 13 porn movies resulting in a bill of over $300.
Lady, you don’t understand: this is how the deal works. Keenan gets porn, you pay for it, and when you complain about it, I shut a door on your toes and break two of them, because your bill must be mistaken. And those charges must be from your chick movies like August Rush and shit, because everyone knows porno is free–you press a button and it just shows up there on the tv. Amy Adams, though…damn. That girl can play Keenan’s cello anytime. Or share the couch with me when I crack out the butter churn and get to work on the couch, which I would do with a towel under my ass just like a gentleman would. That’d be some positively Enchanted shit there.
Missouri’s Secret Shame, Volleyball Mascot: Miz Meow!
The Missouri Tigers went from the proverbial driver’s seat to riding in the bed of the pickup truck in three horrific hours on Saturday night. It’s tough medicine, to be sure, but it’s also no time for crying. No one wants to hear you whine about being left out of the BCS, Missouri. Your football program has been a joke for as long as we can remember and one good season does not afford you the respect you think you’re entitled to. This was a good season for you, so let’s not leave on bad terms. You were the #1 team in the country and had a chance to avenge your only loss of the season. You got an opportunity to show the nation that you were for real — and you blew it in spectacular fashion. Oklahoma pistol-whipped you, as evidenced by this
animated drive chart . The Sooners used your carcass to convince me that they may actually be the best team in the country right now, so let this be a learning experience for your entire beleaguered state. If you want to be known for more than meth production and
excessive Christianity, then I suggest you take a few plays off, look at what you’ve accomplished, and focus on beating a Nuttless Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl. Godspeed!
Mistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend’s vagina, but hey, that’s why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we’re getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it’s only when you’re down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you’re down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It’s like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.
Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)
I can feel the lack of trust. It’s OK. This is why I’m going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is… well forget that. Oregon isn’t looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That’s not going to happen again. Oregon’s playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops’ job. I’m sure they can’t wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it’s useless, and by the second half, they’ll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you’re already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.
West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)
The Mountaineers are coming to town and they’re bringing Steve Slaton, the nation’s #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with ‘em. They’ve outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD’s over those 2 games. I’m sure you saw West Virginia’s terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.
Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here’s what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn’t walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn’t walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn’t walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he’s fat. (more…)
Orson Swindle can’t be here today as he’s in the Himalayas attempting to become the first man to solo climb the North Ridge of K2 in chamois pants and a bucket hat. Please send him to the summit with your best thoughts. Guest hosting today and tomorrow will be EDSBS token double X chromosome, Holly, from Snarkastic and Ladies… and the lovely, talented, and startlingly virile jebushchrist from Black Heart Gold Pants.  Please feel free to treat them as you would Mr. Swindle, but with significantly diminished expectations of humor.
The MgmtÂ
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