Everyday Should Be Saturday

October 26, 2009

AT LEAST HE WOULD KEEP YOU WARM

We’re optimists at heart. While all others froze around you, you would take warmth from the abundant heat energy radiating from him. Additionally, you could keep snacks and other temperature-sensitive items warm beneath the overlap. (HT: RLBGator)

April 10, 2009

WE HAVE AN EXCITING NEW OFFER OF AWKWARD FOR YOU

Peyton Manning finally met Lane Kiffin. As Clay points out in his dialogue between the two, the meeting appeared to take place in one of Saddam’s palaces, or perhaps in David Bowman’s final room at the end of the universe from 2001.

lane-kiffin-peyton-manning-774062

There has been no picture of Kiffykins and Fulmer together, as the two have “missed each other” and haven’t had time to sit down and stare blankly at each other yet. (Awkward rating: somewhere above “discussing pregnancy with your wife’s real babydaddy in a legal setting, somewhere below “meeting the man who murdered your parents.”)

January 13, 2009

TAYLOR MAYS TO RETURN; JORVORSKIE LANE WEIGHS 295 POUNDS

For some reason, Taylor Mays is coming back to play football at USC. Why Mays would want to leave the idyllic, sun-dappled scene of USC, where he wakes each morning covered by a blanket of five to eight naked young women huddled around him for warmth, is beyond our understanding. Perhaps he believes he can improve on a laser-timed 4.32 40 yard dash. Perhaps he is limited in his actions by the demands of Directive 4, which keeps him from turning on the engineers who built him, or from bolting to the NFL until he absolutely has to. It’s scary either way.

Also, Jorvorskie Lane weighed 295 at his Shrine Bowl workout, but had good hands (for to catch the food! HAHAHAHAHA.)

December 23, 2008

JUNK FOOD: A VERY SPECIAL GIFT FOR NOTRE DAME FANS

LSUFreek wishes all of you a happy holidays, especially you, Notre Dame fans, who must console yourselves with the Hawaii Bowl and the sweet relief of junk…food.

It almost gets poignant around the 1:30 mark, doesn’t it? Well, we said almost.

November 3, 2008

FAT BOYZ IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT

Tennessee Football Offices. 11:30 a.m., November 4th, 2008.

Fulmer: Well, that does it. I’m off Atkins for the next month.

He takes a donut from green and white box. A solitary tear runs down his cheek.

PF: I just…what am I gonna do with the rest of my life?

[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]… (more…)

October 16, 2008

PHIL FULMER’S MORNING ROUTINE, INTERRUPTED

You realize that Phil Fulmer probably waddled strode confidently into his office this morning, grabbed his cup of coffee and slab of batter-fried venision bagel, and thought happy thoughts. Tough days make tough people, Phil. Tough people get through tough times. He probably checked the wall: yup, trophies still there. Looked in the mirror. Yup, Pumpkinhead Champion still looking back at him.

He reviewed the emails for the day. He perused some notes Chavis left for him, and then probably brought in Dave Clawson to slap him until his cheeks bled talk some third down strategy. Then a few recruiting calls: just a check-in, a little how ya’ doin’ with his cheat sheet in hand to remember who he was talking to and what they liked, being careful not to confuse them and insult the tender but unstable ego of the blue-chipper he was trying to woo to Knoxville.

Then, he looked through his mail and found an envelope. It was postmarked “Starkville,” and contained one thing: an 8 X 10 glossy:

And a note that read “YOU’RE NEXT.–CROOM”

Then the world grew cold, his blood coagulated to icy sludge in his veins, and for the first time Phil Fulmer knew fear, for it was holding him tight in his very arms like an arctic boa constrictor.

October 9, 2008

ALL YOU NEED IS GRUB

The constant use of fat jokes is really a pitiful crutch in the humor department. Half of all Americans are overweight, and thus make a facile target for the would-be junior varsity satirists of our nation. Really, how funny is it to point out something that shortens lives, lowers the quality of living for millions, and poses a grave threat to the integrity of our national health care systems, both private and public?

Really: how fair is it to mock a coach simply because their metabolism runs at a rate which, in another date and time, was actually an evolutionary advantage? Is it fair to make cheap comedic hash out of people who have become Darwin’s unwitting laughing stocks due to the caprices of fate and commercial farming practices? Is it fair, nay—is it even humane to do so?

LSUFreek has considered the question deeply, and has his thoughtful response and apology for years of fat jokes on this site. It is moving. It is challenging. It is necessary, and it is about time.

Normally scheduled fat-jokes will now resume with regularity and ferocity. Apologies. If you can get the vision of Phil Fulmer pulling beef tongue out of a cow’s head out of your brain, you have a more disciplined air traffic controller in your cerebral cortex than we’ve ever had.

September 19, 2008

HATE HATE HATE: THREATS, CONT’D

To cap off a lackluster hate week, we salvage by threatening each other with the worst tortures we can possibly think of. Enjoy?

Orson: Ready to hate?

Holly: It’s been too long since I was referred to as a “dick mitten.”

Holly: (yes. hateyourface.)

Orson: I will open this with: I will throw you in a closet full of BEES and name Dave Clawson as your offensive coordinator.

Holly: [yourpastorheardyousaythat'd]

Holly: I don’t even need to do anything to you. I will strand you, as is, in the Wisconsin student section. They’ll love your fluffy widdle fauxhawk.

Orson: I’ll die from the fumes first. SO….MUCH..BOOZE….

Holly: Or from the FREE HAM sign I will place about your neck.

Orson: Speaking of Booze: how is Johnny Majors? (more…)

April 2, 2008

STUFF ORANGE AND WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

As part of our ongoing ripoff of SWPL called “Stuff ____ and _______ People Like,” the EDSBS Staff presents “Stuff Orange and White People Like,” an analysis of things Tennessee Volunteer fans like. Enjoy.

Pitchforks and torches. A nine-win season is cause for satisfaction elsewhere in D-I, but in the SEC and Knoxville in particular, it’s a blight. Any win total under double digits lights up the AM radio dial with orange faithful ready to gut their coach like a catfish of astonishing proportions. Going 5-6 in 2005 brought, concurrently and consecutively, collective apoplexy and vows of silence—they still can’t talk about it. Bring up The Season Of Which We Do Not Speak to a Tennessee fan and his eyes will glaze over in rage or incomprehension. Either way, Does Not Compute.

Orson’s note: Wonder who those people in Frankenstein who, when confronted with a problem, immediately rush to get a.) an impaling instrument, and b.) fire? For any problem? Tennessee fans, that’s who. They’re threatening Frankenstein because, with some time in the weight room, he could be the next John Henderson, but noooooo, he wants to kidnap maidens and accidentally drown little girls in lakes all day like a bad monster.

John Henderson rocks fat titties all day, by the way, despite playing for a team we despise. “BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!” comes from his sideline rantings in college, and he also did this, which is now how we wake up every morning.

We do it just like that. Except the wife does it with a padded white glove, and she does it softly, so as not to knock my exfoliating facial mask off. Sometimes she gets a little too into it, and some of the dust lands on our white oxford shirt! It’s a funny time, the mornings in the Swindle house!

HFCS That’s high fructose corn syrup, friends, and it is a fact of natural law that the highest concentration of HFCS swollen people on the planet reside in Tennessee. (more…)

January 23, 2008

CURIOUS INDEX: 1/23/08

We’re all gonna run. Except for me, because I’d die. In response to freshman running back Darryl Vereen’s arrest for public intoxication on Monday, Phil Fulmer made the entire team take an early morning run, proof that if put in charge of this country, Phil Fulmer would make us all do a lot of running, himself excepted.

“Iraq? Four laps around the track!”

“Pakistan? Two laps at 5 a.m., Pervez!”

“Illegal immigrants? Wind sprints to the border!”

That’s how you know Fred Thompson and Phil Fulmer are NOT the same person, since this would have been a much more compelling campaign that anything Fred did on the campaign trail. We’ll assess points for Vereen later this morning, but getting the whole team to run for your freshman mistake is included nowhere in the official guide to teenage popularity.

Don’t get into fights in Utah. You knew that already from watching the scary Mormon Fundamentalists roll around in their Hummers on Big Love, but the details from a fight this weekend involving two Utah players and a recruit are indeed frightening:

Paul Kruger was stabbed in the ribs and abdomen with a knife, while Newman was stabbed twice in the back with a screwdriver. David Kruger was punched in the right cheek with a hard metal object, believed to be brass knuckles.

What does one tell a recruit after that? “You know, that doesn’t happen every day in Salt Lake City. Really, we promise. Now let’s enjoy the rest of this recruiting trip! Who wants pie?”

Well, that’s not very nice. Funny…a smidge. But even the most die-hard USC fan will admit the prospect of facing Norm Chow at the end of next season is a dreadful one. Not Chow at the beginning of the year–it takes time to crank up any new offensive system, and the uptake rate with Chow’s is certainly easier than the byzantine West Coast system they were running at UCLA.

Confirmed: Jamie Newberg is an excel spreadsheet with life-support system attached. He pegs a good sampling of the schools from SMQ’s analysis of recruiting rankings that excel in developing talent without blinking:

JN: I was a huge fan of Bobby Petrino at Louisville while he was there because I thought he did just that. I think Virginia Tech has consistently done that as well as anyone in terms of development. Wisconsin too. I think you can make a case for Missouri and Kansas based on what they did this past season.

246 wins. D-1AA Dayton’s coach Mike Kelly retires after 27 years. The record for the Flyers coach is fearsome: 246-54-1.

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